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SALMAGUNDI 



BY 

WASHINGTON IRVING 



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00]:^TENTS. 



VOLUME I. 

No. PAOE 

I. Saturday, January 24, 1807 5 

Publisher's Notice. Shakespeare Gallery, New York 6 

From the Elbow-Chair of Launcelot Langstaff, Esq 7 

Theatrics— ContainiDg the Qtiintessence of Modern Criticism. By William 

Wizard, Esq 12 

New Yorl Assembly. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 14 

II. JiDNKSDAY, February 4, 1807.— From the Elbow-Chair of Launcelot Lang- 

staff , Esq 18 

.Jr. Wilson's Concert. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 22 

Oocklof t Family 24 

To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq 27 

Advertisement : 29 

III. Friday, February 13, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 31 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Kahn, Captain of a Ketch, to Asem 
Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of 

Tripoli 33 

Fashions. By Anthony Evergreen, G«nt 36 

Proclamation from, the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 41 

W. Tuesday, February 24, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 44 

Memorandums for a Tour to be entitled, "The Stranger in New Jersey; 

or, Cockney Travelling." By Jeremy Cockloft, the Younger 46 

V. Saturday, March 7, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 51 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan to Abdallah Eb'n Al Rahab, 
surnamed the Snorer, Military Sentinel at the Gate of his Highness's 

Palace 51 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 59 

To the Ladies. From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 63 

VI. Friday, March 20, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 66 

Theatrics, By William Wizard, Esq 74 

VII. Saturday, April 4, 1807.— Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, to 

Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw 

of Tripoli 80 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. Notes by William Wizard, Esq ... 87 

Vm. Saturday, April 18, 1807.— By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 91 

On Style. By William Wizard, Esq 97 

To Correspondents 10^ 



W0Hl9ftB'3S 



■?y 



4 CONTENTS. 

No. PAGB 

IX. Satttrda?, April 25, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 105 

From my Elbow-Chair 1 jq 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Kali Khan, Captain of a Ketch, to Asem 
Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of 

Tripoli Ijl 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 117 

X. Saturday, May 16, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 122 

To Launcelot Langstaflf, Esq 123 

VOLUME II. 

Note 129 

XI. Tuesday, June 2, 1807.— Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, Cap- 

tain of a Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his High- 
ness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 131 

From my Elbow-Chair. Mine Uncle John 138 

XII. Saturday, June 27, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 144 

The Stranger at Home ; or, A Tour in Broadway. By Jeremy Cockloft, 

the Younger o». •« , * 150 

From my Elbow-Chair ^^'t..:.: '.!,JZ .!::!^t"!!!; 156 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq '. 157 

XIII. Friday, August 14, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 161 

Plans for Defending our Harbor. By William Wizard, Esq 164 

Fi-om my Elbow Chair. A Retrospect ; or, " What you Will " 169 

To Readers and Correspondents 177 

XIV. Saturday, September 16, 1807.— Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli 

Khan to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the 

Bashaw of Tripoli , 179 

Cockloft Hall. By Launcelot Langstaff, Esq 186 

Theatrical Intelligence. By William Wizard, Esq 193 

XV. Thursday, October 1, 1807.— Sketches from Nature. By Anthony Ever- 

green, Gent 197 

On Greatness. By Launcelot LangstafiP, Esq 202 

XVI. Thursday, October 15, 1807.— Style at Ballston. By William Wizard, Esq. 209 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Princi- 
pal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 214 

XVII. Wednesday, November 11, 1807.— Autumnal Reflections. By Launcelot 

Langstaff , Esq 221 

By Launcelot Langstaflf, Esq 225 

Chap. CIX.— Of the Chronicles of the Renowned and Ancient City of 

Gotham 228 

XVIII. Tuesday, November 24, 1807.— The Little Man in Black. By Launcelot 

Lang.staflf , Esq 231 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Principal 
Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 240 

XIX. Thursday, December 31, 1807.— From my Elbow-Chair 246 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan to Muley Helim al Raggi, 

surnaraed the Agreeable Ragamuffin, chief Mounte-bank and Buffa- 

dancer to his Highness 247 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 254 

Tea: A Poem 259 

XX. Monday, January 25, 1808.— From my Elbow Chair 268 

To the Ladies. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 269 

Farewell , 274 



SALMAGUNDI. 



VOLUME FIRST. 



NO. l.-SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. 

As every body knows, or ought to know, what a Salmagundi 
is, we shall spare ourselves the trouble of an explanation — be- 
sides, we despise trouble as we do every thing that is low and 
mean ; and hold the man who would incur it unnecessarily, as 
an object worthy our highest pity and contempt. Neither will 
we puzzle our heads to give an account of ourselves, for two 
reasons; first, because it is nobody's business; secondly, be- 
cause if it were, we do not hold ourselves bound to attend to 
any body's business but our own; and even that we take the 
liberty of neglecting when it suits our inclination. To these 
we might add a third, that very few men can give a tolerable 
account of thejnselves, let them try ever so hard ; but this rea- 
son, we candidly avow, would not hold good with ourselves. 

There are, however, two or three pieces of information which 
we bestow gratis on the public, chiefly because it suits our own 
pleasure and convenience that they should be known, and 
partly because we do not wish that there should be any ill will 
between us at the commencement of our acquaintance. 

Our intention is simply to instruct the young, reform the old, 
correct the town, and castigate the age; this is an arduous 
task, and, therefore, we undertake it with confidence. We in- 
tend for this purpose to present a striking picture of the town; 
and as every body is anxious to see his own phiz on canvas, 
however stupid oi* ugly it may be, we have no doubt but the 
whole town will flock to our exhibition. Our picture will 
necessarily include a vast variety of figures : and should any 
gentleman or lady be displeased with the inveterate truth of 



g SALMAGUNDI. 

their likenesses, they may ease their spleen by laughing at 
those of their neighbours— this being what we understand by 

POETICAL JUSTICE. 

Like all true and able editors, we consider ourselves infalli- 
ble, and, therefore, with the customary diffidence of our breth- 
ren of the quill, we shall take the hberty of interfering in all 
matters either of a public or private nature. We are critics, 
amateurs, dilettanti, and cognoscenti ; and as we know ' ' by 
the pricking of our thumbs," that every opinion which we may 
advance in either of those characters will be correct, we are 
determined, though it may be questioned, contradicted, or even 
controverted, yet it shall never be revoked. 

We beg the public particularly to understand that we solicit 
no patronage. We are determined, on the contrary, that the 
patronage shall be entirely on our side. We have nothing to 
do with the pecuniary concerns of the paper; its success will 
yield us neither pride nor profit — nor will its failure occasion 
to us either loss or mortification. We advise the public, there- 
fore, to purchase our numbers merely for their own sakes:— if 
they do not, let them settle the affair with their consciences 
and posterity. 

To conclude, we invite all editors of newspapers and literary 
journals to praise us heartily in advance, as we assure them 
that we intend to deserve their praises. To our next-door 
neighbour " Town," we hold out a hand of amity, declaring to 
him that, after ours, his paper will stand the best chance for 
immortality. We proffer an exchange of civilities; he shall 
furnish us with notices of epic poems and tobacco ; — and we in 
return will enrich him with original speculations on all manner 
of subjects; together with "the rummaging of my grandfath- 
er's mahogany chest of drawers," "the life and amours of 
mine uncle John," "anecdotes of the Cockloft family," and 
learned quotations from that unheard-of writer of fohos, 
Linkum Fidelius. 



PUBLISHER'S NOTICE. 

This work will be published and sold by D. Longworth. It 
will be printed on hot prest vellum paper, as that is Jield in 
highest estimation for buckling up young ladies' hair— a pur- 
pose to which similar works are usually appropriated ; it will 



SALMAGUNDI. 7 

be a small, neat duodecimo size, so that when enough numbers 
are written, it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be 
carried in old ladies' pockets and young ladies' work-bags. 

As the above work will not come out at stated periods, notice 
will be given when another number will be pubhshed. The 
price will depend on the size of the nmnber, and must be paid 
on delivery. The publisher professes the same sublime con- 
tempt for money as his authors. The liberal patronage be- 
stowed by his discerning fellow-citizens on various works of 
taste which he has published, has left him no inclijiation to 
ask for further favours at their hands ; and be pubhshes this 
work in the mere hope of requiting their bounty.* 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANG- 
STAFF, ESQ. 

We were a considerable time in deciding whether we should 
be at the pains of introducing ourselves to the public. As we 
care for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, we do not 
feel bound to hold up our hands and answer to our names. 

Willing, however, to gain at once that frank, confidential 
footing, which we are certain of ultimately possessing in this, 
doubtless, ' ' best of all possible cities ;" and, anxious to spare its 
worthy inhabitants the trouble of making a thousand wise 
conjectures, not one of which would be worth a ' ' tobacco- 
stopper," Ave have thought it in some degree a necessary exer- 
tion of charitable condescension to furnish them with a slight 
clue to the truth. 

Before we proceed further, however, we advise every body, 
man, woman, and child, that can read, or get any friend to 
read for them, to purchase this paper: — not that we write for 
money ; — for, -in common with all philosophical wiseacres, from 
Solomon downwards, we hold it in supreme contempt. The 
public are welcome to buy this work, or not, just as they 
choose. If it be purchased freely, so much the better for the 
public— and the publisher:— we gain not a stiver. If it be not 

* It was not originally the intention of the authors to insert the above address in 
the work ; but, unwilling that a morceau so precious should be lost to posterity, 
they have been induced to alter their minds. This will account for any repetition 
of idea that may appear in the introductory essay. 



g . SALMAQUNDI. 

purchased we give fair warning— we shall burn all our essays, 
critiques, and epigrams, in one promiscuous blaze; and, like 
the books of the sybils, and the Alexandrian library, they will 
be lost for ever to posterity. For the sake, therefore, of our 
publisher, for the sake of the public, and for the sake of the 
public's children, to the nineteenth generation, we advise them 
to purchase our paper. We beg the respectable old matrons 
of this city, not to be alarmed at the appearance we make ; we 
are none of those outlandish geniuses who swarm in New- 
York, who live by their wits, or rather by the little wit of 
their neighbours; and who spoil the genuine honest American 
tastes of their daughters, with French slops and fricasseed 
sentiment. 

We have said we do not write for money ;— neither do we 
write for fame :— we know too well the variable nature of pub- 
lic opinion to build our hopes upon it— we care not what the 
public think of us ; and we suspect, before we reach the tenth 
number, they will not know what to think of us. In two 
words— we write for no other earthly purpose but to please 
ourselves— and this we shall be sure of doing; for we are all 
three of us determined beforehand to be pleased with what we- 
write. If, in the course of this work, we edify and instruct 
and amuse the public, so much the better for the public :— but 
we frankly acknowledge that so soon as we get tired of read- 
ing our own works, we shall discontinue them without the 
least remorse; whatever the public may think of it. — While 
we continue to go on, we will go on merrily : — if we moralize, 
it shall be but seldom; and, on all occasions, we shall be more 
solicitous to make our readers laugh than cry; for we are 
laughing philosophers, and clearly of opinion, that wisdom, 
true wisdom, is a plump, joUy dame, who sits in her arm- 
chair, laughs right merrily at the farce of life — and takes the 
world as it goes. 

We intend particularly to notice the conduct of the fashion- 
able world : nor in this shall we be governed by that carping 
spirit with which narrow-minded book-worm cynics squint at 
the little extravagances of the ton ; but with that liberal tolera- 
tion which actuates every man of fashion. While we keep 
more than a Cerberus watch over the guardian rules of female 
delicacy and decorum — we shall not discourage any little 
sprighthness of demeanour, or innocent vivacity of character. 
Before we advance one line further we must let it be under^ 
stood, as our firm opinion, void of all prejudice or partiality, 



SALMAGUNDI. 9 

that the ladies of New-York are the fairest, the finest, the 
most accompHshed, the most bewitching, the most ineffable 
beings, that walk, creep, crawl, swim, fly, float, or vegetate in 
any or all of the four elements ; and that they only want to be 
cured of certain whims, eccentricities, and unseemly conceits, 
by our superintending cares, to render them absolutely per- 
fect. They will, therefore, receive a large portion of those at- 
tentions directed to the fashionable world ; — nor will the gentle 
men, who doze away their time in the cii'cles of the haut-ton, 
escape our currying. We mean those stupid fellows who sit 
stock still upon their chairs, without saying a word, and then 

complain how damned stupid it»was-at Miss 's party. 

This department will be under the pecuhar dii^ection and 
control of Anthony Evergreen, gent., to whom all communi- 
cations on this subject are to be addressed. This gentleman, 
from his long experience in the routine of balls, tea-parties, 
and assemblies, is eminently qualified for the task he has 
undertaken. He is a kind of patriarch in the fashionable 
world; and has seen generation after generation pass away 
into the silent tomb of matrunony while he remains unchange- 
ably the same. He can recount the amours and courtships of 
the fathers, mothers, uncles and aunts, and even the gran- 
dames, of all the belles of the present day; provided their 
pedigrees extend so far back without being lost in obscurity. 
As, however, treating of pedigrees is rather an ungrateful task 
in this city, and as we mean to be perfectly good-natured, he 
has promised to be cautious in this particular. He recollects 
perfectly the time when young ladies used to go sleigh-riding 
at night, without their mammas or grandmammas ; in short, 
without being matronized at all: and can relate a thousand 
pleasant stories about Kissing-bridge. He likewise remembers 
the time when ladies paid tea-visits at three in the afternoon, 
and returned before dark to see that the house was shut up 
and the servants on duty. He has often played cricket in the 
orchard in the rear of old Vauxhall, and remembers when the 
Bull's-head was quite out of town. Though he has slowly and 
gradually given into modern fashions, and still flourishes in 
the beaii-monde, yet he seems a little prejudiced in favor of the 
dress and manners of the old school ; and his chief commenda- 
tion of a new mode is "that it is the same good old fashion we 
had before the war." It has cost us much trouble to make 
him confess that a cotillion is superior to a minuet, or an un- 
adorned crop to a pigtail and powder. Custom and fashion 



10 SALMAGUNDI. 

have, however, had more effect on him than all our lectures ; 
and he tempers, so happily, the grave and ceremonious gallan- 
try of the old school with the " hail fellow" familiarity of the 
new, that, we trust, on a little acquaintance, and making 
allowance for his old-fashioned prejudices, he will become a 
very considerable favourite with our readers; — if not, the 
worse for themselves ; as they will have to endure his com- 
pany. 

In the territory of criticism, William Wizard, Esq., has 
undertaken to preside ; and though we may all dabble in it a 
little by turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all discre- 
tionary powers in this respect, though Will has not had the 
advantage of an education at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at 
Edinburgh, or Aberdeen, and though he is but little versed in 
Hebrew, yet we have no doubt he will be found fully competent 
to the undertaking. He has improved his taste by a long resi- 
dence abroad, particularly at Canton, Calcutta, and the gay 
and polished court of Hayti. He has also had an opportunity 
of seeing the best singing-girls and tragedians of China, is a 
great connoisseur in mandarine dresses, and porcelain, and 
particularly values himself on his intimate knowledge of the 
buffalo, and war dances of the northern Indians. He is hke- 
wise promised the assistance of a gentleman, lately from 
London, who was bom and bred in that centre of science and 
bongout, the vicinity of Fleetmarket, where he has been edified, 
man and boy, these six-and-twenty years, with the harmonious 
jingle of Bow-beUs. His taste, therefore, has attained to such 
an exquisite pitch of refinement that there are few exhibitions 
of any kind which do not put him in a fever. He has assured 
Will, that if Mr. Cooper emphasises "and" instead of "fewf — 
or Mrs. Oldmixon pins her kerchief a hair's breadth awry— or 
Mrs. Darley offers to dare to look less than the " daughter of a 
senator of Venice"— the standard of a senator's daughter being 
exactly six feet— they shall all hear of it in good time. We 
have, however, advised Will Wizard to keep his friend in check, 
lest by opening the eyes of the public to the wretchedness of 
the actors by whom they have hitherto been entertained, he 
might cut off one source of amusement from our fellow-citizens. 
We hereby give notice, that we have taken the whole corps, 
from the manager in his mantle of gorgeous copper-lace, to 
honest John in his green coat and black breeches, under our 
wing — and wo be unto him who injures a hair of their heads. 
As we have no design against the patience of our fellow-citizens, 



salMaoundi. 11 

we shall not dose them with copious draughts of theatrical 
criticism; we well know that they have already been well 
physicked with them of late ; our theatrics shall take up but a 
small part of our paper ; nor shall they be altogether confined 
to the stage, but extend from time to time, to those incorrigible 
offenders against the peace of society, the stage-critics, who not 
unfrequently create the fault they find, in order to yield an 
opening for their witticisms — censure an actor for a gesture he 
never made, or an emphasis h 3 never gave ; and, in their at- 
tempt to show off new readings, make the sweet swan of Avon 
cackle like a goose. If any one should feel himself offended by 
our remarks, let him attack us in return — we shall not wince 
from the combat. If his passes be successful, we will be the 
first to cry out, a hit ! a hit ! and we doubt not we shall fre- 
quently lay ourselves open to the weapons of our assailants. 
But let them have a care how they run a- tilting with us — they 
have to deal with stubborn foes, who can bear a world of pum- 
meHng ; we will be relentless in our vengeance, and will fight 
"till from our bones the flesh be hackt." 

What other subjects we shall include in the range of our ob- 
servations, we have not determined, or rather we shall not 
trouble ourselves to detail. The public have already more in- 
formation concerning us, than we intended to impart. We 
owe them no favours, neither do we ask any. We again advise 
them, for their own sakes, to read our papers when they come 
out. We recommend to all mothers to purchase them for their 
daughters, who will be taught the true line of propriety, and 
the most advisable method of managing their beaux. We ad- 
vise all daughters to purchase them for the sake of their 
mothers, who shall be initiated into the arcana of the bon ton, 
and cured of aU those rusty old notions which they acquired 
during the last century : parents shall be taught how to govern 
their children, girls how to get husbands, and old maids how to 
do without them. 

As we do not measure our wits by the yard or the bushel, 
and as they do not flow periodically nor constantly, we shall 
not restrict our paper as to size or the time of its appearance. 
It will be pubUshed whenever we have sufficient matter to con- 
stitute a number, and the size of the number shall depend on 
the stock in hand. This will best suit our neghgent habits, 
and leave us that full liberty and independence which is the 
joy and pride of our souls. As we have before hinted, that we 
do not concern ourselves about the pecuniary matters of our 



12 Salmagundi 

paper, we leave its price to be regulated by our publishei*, 
only recommending him for his own interest, and the honour 
of his authors, not to sell their invaluable productions too 
cheap. 

Is there any one who wishes to know more about us? — let 
him read Salmagundi, and grow wise apace. Thus much we 
will say — there are three of us, "Bardolph, Peto, and I," all 
townsmen good and true ; — many a time and oft have we three 
amused the town without its knowing to whom it was indebted ; 
and many a time have we seen the midnight lamp twinkle 
faintly on our studious phizes, and heard the morning saluta- 
tion of "past three o'clock," before we sought our pillows. The 
result of these midnight studies is now offered to the public ; 
and little as we care for the opinion of this exceedingly stupid 
world, we shall take care, as far as lies in our careless natures, 
to fulfil the promises made in this introduction ; if we do not, 
we shall have so many examples to justify us, that we feel 
little soUcitude on that account. 



THEATRICS. 



CONTAINING THE QUINTESSENCE OF MODERN CRITICISM. BY 
WILLIA3I WIZARD, ESQ. 

Macbeth was performed to a very crowded house, and much 
to our satisfaction. As, however, our neighbor Town has been 
very voluminous already in his criticisms on this play, we 
shall make but few remarks. Having never seen Kemble in 
this character, we are absolutely at a loss to say whether Mr, 
Cooper performed it well or not. We think, however, there 
was an error in his costume^ as the learned Linkum Fidelius is 
of opinion, that in the time of Macbeth the Scots did not wear 
sandals, but wooden shoes. Macbeth also was noted for wear- 
ing his jacket open, that he might play the Scotch fiddle more 
conveniently ; — that being an hereditary accomplishment in the 
Gkimis family. 

We have seen this character performed in China by the cele- 
brated Chow-Choic, the Roscius of that great empire, who in 
the dagger scene always electrified the audience by blowing his 
jiose like a trumpet. Chow-Chow, in compliance with the 



SALMAGUNDI 13 

opinion of the sage Linkum Fidelius, performed Macbeth in 
wooden shoes; this gave him an opportunity of producing 
great effect, for on first seeing the "air-drawn dagger," he 
always cut a prodigious high caper, and kicked his shoes into 
the pit at the heads of the critics; whereupon the audience 
were marvellously delighted, flourished their hands, and 
stroked their whiskers three times, and the matter was care- 
fully recorded in the next number of a paper called the flim 
flam. (English— town.) 

We were much pleased with Mrs. Villiers in Lady Mac- 
beth ; but we think she would have given a greater effect to the 
night-scene, if, instead of holding the candle in her hand or 
setting it down on the table, which is sagaciously censured by 
neighbour Town, she had stuck it in her night-cap. This 
would have been extremely picturesque, and would have 
marked more strongly the derangement of her mind. 

Mrs. Villiers, however, is not by any means large enough 
for the character ; Lady Macbeth having been, in our opinion, 
a woman of extraordinary size, and of the race of the giants, 
notwithstanding what she says of her "little hand" — which 
being said in her sleep, passes for nothing. We should be 
happy to see this character in the hands of the lady who 
played Glumdalca, queen of the giants, in Tom Thumb ; she is 
exactly of imperial dimensions; and, provided she is well 
shaved, of a most interesting physiognomy ; as she appears like- 
wise to be a lady of some nerve, I dare engage she will read a 
letter about witches vanishing in air, and such common occur- 
rences^ without being unnaturally surprised, to the annoyance 
of honest "Town." 

We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper profits by the in- 
structions of friend Town, and does not dip the daggers in 
blood so deep as formerly by a matter of an inch or two. This 
was a violent outrage upon our immortal bard. We differ 
with Mr. Town in his reading of the words, ' ' this is a sorry 
sight. " We are of opinion the force of the sentence should be 
thrown on the word sight, because Macbeth, having been 
shortly before most confoundedly humbugged with an aerial 
dagger, was in doubt whether the daggers actually in his 
hands were real, or whether they were not mere shadows, or 
as the old English may have termed it, syghtes ; (this, at any 
rate, will establish our skill in neiv readings.) Though we 
differ in this respect from our neighbour Town, yet we heart- 
ily agree with him in censuring Mr. Cooper for omitting that 



14 SALMAGUNDI. 

passage so remarkable for "beauty of imagery," &c., begin- 
ning with " and pity, like a naked, new-born babe," &c. It is 
one of those passages of Shakspeare which should always be 
retained, for the purpose of showing how sometimes that 
great poet could talk like a buzzard ; or, to speak more plainly, 
like the famous mad poet Nat Lee. 

As it is the first duty of a friend to advise — and as we pro- 
fess and do actually feel a friendship for honest " Town"— we 
warn hira, never in his criticisms to meddle with a lady's 
"petticoats," or to quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he 
may " catch a tartar;" and in the second, the ass's head may 
rise up in judgment against him ; and when it is once afloat 
there is no knowing where some unlucky hand may place it. 
We would not, for aU the money in our pockets, see Town 
flourishing his critical quill under the auspices of an ass's head, 
like the great Franklin in his Monterio Cap, 



NEW-YOEK ASSEMBLY. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The assemblies this year have gained a great accession of 
beauty. Several brilliant stars have arisen from the east and 
from the north to brighten the firmament of fashion ; among 
the number I have discovered another planet, which rivals 
even Venus in lustre, and I claim equal honour with Herschel 
for my discovery. I shall take some future opportunity to 
describe this planet, and the numei;ous satellites which revolve 
around it. 

At the last assembly the company began to make some show 
about eight, but the most fashionable delayed their appearance 
until about nine— nine being the number of the muses, and 
therefore the best possible hour for beginning to exhibit the 
graces. (This is meant for a pretty play upon words, and I 
assure my readers that I think it very tolerable.) 

Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I hold in special 
consideration, even with his half century of experience, would 
have been puzzled to point out the humours of a lady by her 
prevailing colours; for the "rival queens" of fashion, Mrs. 
TooLE and Madame Bouchard, appeared to have exhausted 



SALMAGUNDI. 15 

their wonderful inventions in the different disposition, varia- 
tion, and combination of tints and shades. The philosopher 
who maintained that black was white, and that of course there 
was no such colour as white, might have given some colour to 
his theory on this occasion, by the absence of poor forsaken 
white musUn. I was, however, much pleased to see that red 
maintains its ground against all other colom^s, because red is 
the colour of Mr. Jefferson's ***** *^ Tom Paine's nose, 
and my slippers. 

Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, who cultivate 
taste among books, cobwebs, and spiders, rail at the extrava- 
gance of the age ; for my part, I was dehghted with the magic 
of the scene, and as the ladies tripped through the mazes of 
the dance, sparkling and glowing and dazzHng, I, hke the hon- 
est Chinese, thanked them heartily for the jewels and finery 
with which they loaded themselves, merely .for the entertain- 
ment of by-standers, and blessed my stars that I was a 
bachelor. 

The gentlemen were considerably numerous, and being as 
usual equipt in their appropriate black uniforms, constituted 
a sable regiment which contributed not a Httle to the briUiant 
gayety of the ball-room. I must confess I am indebted for 
this remark to our friend, the cockney, Mr. 'Sbidlikensflash, 
or 'Sbidlikens, as he is called S©r shortness. He is a fellow of 
infinite verbosity— stands in high favour— with himself— and, 
Hke Caleb Quotem, is "up to every thing." I remember when 
a comfortable, plumb-looking citizen led into the room a fair 
damsel, who looked for all the world like the personification 
of a rainbow : 'Sbidlikens observed that it reminded him of a 
fable, which he had read somewhere, of the marriage of an 
honest, painstaking snail ; who had once walked six feet in an 
hour for a wager, to a butterfly whom he used to gallant by 
the elbow, with the aid of much pufling and exertion. On 
being called upon to tell where he had come across this story, 
'Sbidlikens absolutely refused to answer. 

It would but be repeating an old story to say, that the ladies 
of New- York dance well ;— and well may they, since they learn 
it scientifically, and begin their lessons before they have quit 
fcheir swaddling clothes. The immortal Duport has usurped 
despotic sway over all the female heads and heels in this city ; 
—hornbooks, primers, and pianos are neglected to attend to 
his positions ; and poor Chilton, with his pots and kettles and 
chemical crockery, finds him a more potent enemy than the 



1(5 SALMAGUNDI. 

whole collective force of the "North Eiver Society." 'Sbid- 
likens insists that this dancing mania will inevitably continue 
as long as a dancing-master will charge the fashionable price 
of five-and-twenty dollars a quarter and all the other accom- 
phshments are so vulgar as to be attainable at "half the 
money;"— but I put no faith in 'Sbidlikens' candour in this 
particular. Among his infinitude of endowments he is but a 
poor proficient in dancing; and though he often flounders 
through a cotiUion, yet he never cut a pigeon-wing in his life. 

In my mind there's no position more positive and unexcep- 
tionable than that most Frenchmen, dead or alive, are born 
dancers. I came pounce upon this discovery at the assembly, 
and I unmediately noted it down in my register of indisputable 
facts : — the public shall know all about it. As I never dance 
cotillions, holding them to be monstrous distorters of the 
human frame, and tantamount in their operations to being 
broken and dislocated on the wheel, I generally take occasion, 
while they are going on, to make my remarks on the company. 
In the course of these observations I was struck with the ener- 
gy and eloquence of sundry limbs, which seemed to be flourish- 
ing about without appertaining to any body. After much in- 
vestigation and difiiculty, I at length traced them to their re- 
spective owners, whom I found to be all Frenchmen to a man. 
Art may have meddled somewhat in these affairs, but nature 
certainly did more. I have since been considerably employed 
in calculations on this subject ; and by the most accurate com- 
putation I have determined that a Frenchman passes at least 
three-fifths of his time between the heavens and the earth, and 
partakes eminently of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. 
One of these jack-o'-lantern heroes, in taking a figure which 
neither Euchd or Pythagoras himself could demonstrate, unfor- 
tunately wound himself — I mean his feet, his better part— into a 
lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at the instant, he 
set himself a spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled his 
step without omitting one angle or curve, and extricated him- 
self without breaking a thread of the lady's dress! he then 
sprung up, hke a sturgeon, crossed his feet four times, and fin- 
ished this wonderful evolution by quivering his left leg, as a 
cat does her paw when she has accidentally dipped it in water. 
No man "of woman born," who was not a Frenchman or a 
mountebank, could have done the like. 

Among the new faces, I remarked a blooming nymph, who 
has brought a fresh supply of roses from the country to adorn 



SALMAGUNDI. 17 

the wreath of beauty, where Ulies too much predominate. As 
I wish well to every sweet face under heaven, T sincerely hope 
her roses may survive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and 
lose nothing by a comparison with the loveliest offerings of the 
spring. 'Sbidlikens, to whom I made similar remarks, assured 
me that they were very just, and very prettily exprest ; and 
that the lady in question was a prodigious fine piece of flesh 
and blood. Now could I find it in my heart to baste these 
cockneys Uke their own roast-beef — they can make no distinc- 
tion between a fine woman and a fine horse. 

I would praise the sylph-like grace with which another young 
lady acquitted herself in the dance, but that she excels in far 
more valuable accomplishments. Who praises the rose for its 
beauty, even though it is beautiful. 

The company retired at the customary hour to the supper- 
room, where the tables were laid out with their usual splen- 
dour and profusion. My friend, 'SbidUkens, with the native 
forethought of a cockney, had carefully stowed his pocket with 
cheese and crackers, that he might not be tempted again to 
venture his limbs in the crowd of hungry fair ones who throng 
the supper-room door ; his precaution was unnecessary, for the 
company entered the room with surprising order and decorum. 
No gowns were torn—no ladies fainted— no noses bled — nor was 
there any need of the interference of either managers or peace 
ofiScers. 



IS SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. II.-WEDNESDAY, FEB'Y 4, 1807. 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANG- 
STAFF, ESQ. 

In the conduct of an epic poem, it has been the custom, from 
time immemorial, for the poet occasionally to introduce his 
reader to an intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his story, 
by conducting him into their tents, and giving him an oppor- 
tunity of observing them in their night-gown and slippers. 
However I despise the servile genius that would descend to fol- 
low a precedent, though furnished by Homer himself, and con- 
sider him as on a par with the cart that follows at the heels of 
the horse, without ever taking the lead, yet at the present mo- 
ment my whim is opposed to my opinion ; and whenever this 
is the case, my opinion generally surrenders at discretion. I 
am determined, therefore, to give the town a peep into our 
divan ; and I shall repeat it as often as I please, to show that I 
intend to be sociable. 

The other night Will Wizard and Evergreen called upon me, 
to pass away a few hours in social chat and hold a kind of 
council of war. To give a zest to our evening I uncorked a 
bottle of London particular, which has grown old with myself, 
and which never fails to excite a smile in the countenances of 
my old cronies, to whom alone it is devoted. Afler some little 
time the conversation turned on the effect produced by our 
first number ; every one had his budget of information, and I 
assure my readers that we laughed most unceremoniously at 
their expense ; they will excuse us for our merriment — 'tis a 
way we've got. Evergreen, who iS equally a favourite and 
companion of young and old, was particularly satisfactory in 
his details ; and it was highly amusing to hear- how different 
characters were tickled with different passages. The old folks 
were delighted to find there was a bias in our junto towards 



SALMAGUNDI. 10 

the "good old times;" and he particularly noticed a worthy- 
old gentleman of his acquaintance, who had been somewhat a 
beau in his day, whose eyes brightened at the bare mention of 
Kissing-bridge. It recalled to his recollection several of his 
youthful exploits, at that celebrated pass, on which he seemed 
to dwell with great pleasure a^d self-complacency ; — he hoped, 
he said, that the bridge might be preserved for the benefit @f 
posterity, and as a monument of the gallantry of their grand- 
fathers ; and even hinted at the expediency of erecting a toll- 
gate, to collect the forfeits of the ladies. But the most flatter- 
ing testimony of approbation, which our work has received, 
was from an old lady, who never laughed but once in her life, 
and that was at the conclusion of the last war. She was de- 
tected by friend Anthony in the very fact of laughing most 
obstreporously at the description of the little dancing French- 
man. Now it glads my very heart to find our effusions have 
such a pleasing effect. I venerate the aged, and joy whenever 
it is in my power to scatter a few flowers in their path. 

The young people were particularly interested in the account 
of the assembly. There was some difference of opinion re- 
specting the new planet, and the blooming nymph from the 
country; but as to thecomphment paid to the fascinating little 
sylph who danced so gracefully— every lady modestly took 
that to herself. 

Evergreen mentioned also that the young ladies were ex- 
tremely anxious to learn the true mode of managing their 
beaux; and Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as an 
icicle, has seen a few superfluous winters pass over her head, 
and boasts of having slain her thousands, wished to know how 
old maids were to do without husbands ;— not that she was 
very curious about the matter, she " only asked for informa- 
tion." Several ladies expressed their earnest desire that we 
would not spare those wooden gentlemen who perform the 
parts of mutes, or stalking horses, in their drawing-rooms; 
and their mothers were equally anxious that we would show 
no quarter to those lads of spirit, who now and then cut their 
bottles to enhven a tea-party with the humours of the dinner- 
table. 

Will Wizard was not a little chagrined at having been mis- 
taken for a gentleman, "who is no more like me," said Will, 
"than I like Hercules."—"! was well assured," continued 
Will, "that as our characters were drawn from nature, the 
originals would be found in every society. And so it has hap- 



20 ^ALMAGUym. 

pened — every little circle has it? "Sbidlikens : and the cockney, 
intended mei*ely as the repi-esentative of his species, has 
dwindled into an insignificant individual, who having rec<)g- 
nised his own likeness, hn.s foohshly appropriated to himself a 
picture for which he never sat. Sncb. too. has been the case 
with Drs'G-DOXG. who has kindly undertaken to be my repre- 
sentative :— not that I care much about the matter, for it must 
be acknowledged that the animal is a good animal enough : — 
and what is morc. a fashionable animal— and this is saying 
more than to call him a conjurer. But. I am much mistaken 
if he can claim any affinity to the Wizard family. — Siu-ely 
every body knows Ding-dong, the gentle Ding-dong, who per- 
vades all space, who is here and there and every where : no 
tea-party can be complete without Ding-dong— and his appear- 
ance is sui*e to occasion a smile. Ding-dong has been the 
occasion of much wit in his day. I have even seen many 
whipsters attempt to be dull at his expense, who were as much 
. inferior to him as the gad-fly is to the ox that he buzzes about. 
Does any witling want to distress the company with a misera- 
ble pun? nobody's name presents sooner than Ding-dong's; 
and it has been played upon with equal skill and equal enter- 
tainment to the by-standers as Ti-inity-bells. Ding-dong is 
profoundly devoted to the ladies, and highly entitled to their 
regard : for I know no man who makes a better bow. or talks 
less to the purpose than Ding-dong. Ding-dong has acquired a 
prodigious fund of knowledge by reading Dilworth when a 
boy : and the other day, on Ijeing asked who was the author 
of Macbeth, answered, without the least hesitation— Shak- 
speare I Ding-dong has a quotation for ever^' day of the year, 
and every hour of the day. and every minute of the hour ; 'but 
he often commits pettylarcenies on the poets— plucks the gray 
hairs of old Chaucer's head, and claps them on the chin of 
Pope: and filches Johnson's wig, to cover the bald pate of 
Homer;— but his blundei*s pass imdetected by one-half of his 
hearers. Ding-dong, it is true, though he has long wrangled 
at our bar. cannot boast much of his legal knowledge, nor does 
his forensic eloquence entitle hun to rank with a Cicero or a 
Demosthenes : but bating his professional deficiencies, he is a 
man of most delectable discourse, and can hold forth for an 
hour upon the colour of a riband or the construction of a work- 
bag. Ding-dong is now in his fortieth year, or perhaps a little 
more — rivals all the httle beaujs: in the town, in his attentions 
to the ladies — ^is in a state of rapid improvement : and there is 



SALMAOryBI. ^1 

no doubt but that by the time he arrives at years of discretion, 
he will be a very accomplished, agreeable young fellow."' — I 
advise all clever, good-for-nothing, "learned and authentic 
gentlemen," to take care how they wear this cap, however 
well it fits; and to bear in mind, that our characters are not 
indiWduals, but species: if, after this warning, any person 
chooses to represent Mr. Ding-dong, the sin is at his own door; 
we wash our hands of it. 

We all sympathized with Wizard, that he should be mis- 
taken for a person so very different ; and I hereby assure my 
readers, that William Wizard is no other person in the whole 
world but William Wizard : so I beg I may hear no more con- 
jectm^es on the subject. Will is. in fact, a wiseacre by inherit- 
ance. The Wizard family has long been celebrated for know- 
ing more than their neighbours, particularly concerning their 
neighbours' aifairs. They were anciently called Josseles' : but 
Will's great uncle, by the father's side, having been accident- 
ally burnt for a witch in Connecticut, in consequence of blow- 
ing up his own house in a philosophical experiment, the 
family, in order to perpetuate the recollection of this memora- 
ble circumstance, assumed the name and arms of Wizard : and 
have borne them ever since. 

In the coiu*se of my customary morning's walk. I stopped in 
a book-store, which is noted for being the favourite haunt of a 
niunber of hterati. some of whom rank high in the opinion of 
the world, and others rsmk equally high in their o^ti. Here I 
found a knot of queer fellows listening to one of their com- 
pany who was reading our paper : I particularly noticed Mr. 
IcHABOD FryGUS among the number. 

Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddling quidnuncs, with 
which this unhappy city is pestered: one of your "Q in a 
comer fellows. "' who speaks volumes with a wink : — conveys 
most portentous Information, by laying his finger beside his 
nose, — and is always smelling a rat in the most trifling occur- 
rence. He listened to our work with the most frigid gravity — 
every now and then gave a mysterious shrug — a humph — or a 
screw of the mouth : and on being asked his opinion at the 
conclusion, said, he did not know what to think of it: — he 
hoped it did not mean any thing against- the government— that 
no lurking treason was couched in all this talk. These were 
dangerous times— times of plot and conspiracy: he did not at 
all like those stars after ^Ir. Jefferson's name, they had an air 
of concealment. Dick Paddle, who was one of the gi'oup, 



^^ 8ALMAQVNDL 

undertook our cause. Dick is known to the world, as being a 
most knowing genius, who can see as far as any body — into a 
millstone; maintains, in the teeth of all argument, that a 
spade is a spade; and will labour a good half hour by St. 
Paul's clock, to establish a self-evident fact. Dick assured old 
Fungus, that those stars merely stood for Mr. Jefferson's red 
what -d^ye-call-' ems ; and that so far from a conspiracy against 
their peace and prosperity, the authors, whom he knew very 
well, were only expressing their high respect for them. The old 
man shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, gave a mysteri- 
ous Lord Burleigh nod, said he hoped it might be so ; but he 
was by no means satisfied with this attack upon the Presi- 
dent's breeches, as "thereby hangs a tale." 



MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. 

3Y ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

In my register of indisputable facts I have noted it conspicu- 
ously that all modern music is but the mere dregs and drain- 
ing of the ancient, and that all the spirit and vigour of har- 
mony has entirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. Oh ! for 
the chant of the Naiades, and Dryades, the shell of the Tritons, 
and the sweet warblings of the Mermaids of ancient days! 
where now shall we seek the Amphion, who built walls with a 
turn of his hurdy-gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones to 
whistle about his ears, and trees hop in a country dance, by 
the mere quavering of his fiddle-stick ! ah ! had I the power of 
the former how soon would I build up the new City -Hall, and 
save the cash and credit of the Corporation ; and how much 
sooner would I build myself a snug house in Broadway:— nor 
would it be the first time a house has been obtained there for a 
song. In my opinion, the Scotch bag-pipe is the only instru- 
ment that rivals the ancient lyre ; and I am surprised it should 
be almost the only one entirely excluded from our concerts. 

Talking of concerts reminds me of that given a few nights 
since by Mr. Wilson ; at which I had the misfortune of being 
present. It was attended by a numerous company, and gave 
great satisfaction, if I may be allowed to judge from the 
frequent gapings of the audience ; though I will not risk my 



SALMAGUNDI. 28 

credit as a connoisseur, by saying whether they proceeded 
from wonder or a violent inclination to doze. I was dehghted 
to find in the mazes of the crowd, my particular friend 
Snivers, who had put on his cognoscenti phiz— he being, 
according to his own account, a profound adept in the science 
of music. He can tell a crotchet at first sight ; and, like a true 
Englishman, is delighted with the plum-pudding rotundity of 
a semibref; and, in short, boasts of having incontinently 
climbed up Paff 's musical tree, which hangs every day upon 
the poplar, from the fundamental concord, to the fundamental 
major discord; and so on from branch to branch, until he 
reached the very top, where he sung "Rule Britannia," 
clapped his wings, and then— came down again. Like all true 
trans-atlantic judges, he suffers most horribly at our musical 
entertainments, and assures me, that what with the con- 
founded scraping, and scratching, and grating of our fiddlers, 
he thinks the sitting out one of our concerts tantamount to the 
punishment of that unfortunate saint, who was frittered in 
two with a hand-saw. 

The concert was given in the tea-room, at the City-Hotel ; an 
apartment admirably calculated, by its dingy walls, beauti- 
fully marbled with smoke, to show off the dresses and com- 
plexions of the ladies; and by the flatness of its ceiling to 
repress those impertinent reverberations of the music, which, 
whatever others may foolishly assert, are, as Snivers says, 
"no better than repetitions of old stories." 

Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction by the gentility of 
his demeanour, and the roguish looks he now and then cast at 
the ladies, but we fear his excessive modesty threw him into 
some little confusion, for he absolutely foi'got himself, and in 
the whole course of his entrances and exits, never once made 
his bow to the audience. On the whole, however, I think he 
has a fine voice, sings with great taste, and is a very modest, 
good-looking little man ; but I beg leave to repeat the advice so 
often given by the illustrious tenants of the theatrical sky- 
parlour, to the gentlemen who are charged with the "nice 
conduct" of chairs and tables— "make a bow, Johnny- 
Johnny, make a bow !" 

I cannot, on this occasion, but express my surprise that cer- 
tain amateui-s should be so frequently at concerts, considering 
what agonies they suffer while a piece of music is playing. 
I defy any man of common humanity, and who has not the 
heart of a Choctaw, to contemplate the countenance of one of 



24 SALMAGUNDI. 

these unhappy victims of a fiddle-stick without feeling a s^iti^ 
ment of compassion. His whole visage is distorted ; he rolls 
up his eyes, as M'Sycophant says, "like a duck in thunder,'' 
and the music seems to operate upon him like a fit of the 
cohc : his very bowels seem to sympathize at every twang of 
the cat-gut, as if he heard at that moment the waiLings of the 
helpless animal that had been sacrificed to harmony. Nor 
does the hero of the orchestra seem less affected ; as soon as 
the signal is given, he seizes his fiddle-stick, makes a most 
horrible grimace, scowls fiercely upon his music-book, as 
though he would grin every crotchet and quaver out of counte- 
nance. I have sometimes particularly noticed a hungry -looking 
Gaul, who torments a huge bass-viol, and who is, doubtless, the 
original of the famous " Raw-head-and-bloody-bones, " so potent 
in frightening naughty children. 

The person who played the French-horn was very excellent 
in his way, but Snivers could not relish his performance, hav- 
ing sometime since heard a gentleman amateur in Gotham 
play a solo on his proboscis, in a style infinitely superior ; — 
Snout, the bellows-mender, never turned his wind instrument 
more musically; nor did the celebrated " knight of the burn- 
ing lamp," ever yield more exquisite entertainment with his 
nose; this gentleman had latterly ceased to exhibit this pro- 
digious accomplishment, having, it was whispered, hired out 
his snout to a ferryman, who had lost his conch-shell ;— the 
consequence was that he did not show his nose in company so 
frequently as before. 



Sitting late the other evening in my elbow-chair, indulging 
in that kind of indolent meditation, which I consider the per- 
fection of hrnnan bliss, I was roused from my reverie by the 
entrance of an old servant in the Cockloft livery, who handed 
me a letter, containing the following address from my cousin 
and old college chum, Pindar Cockloft. 

Honest Andrew, as he delivered it, informed me that his 
master, who resides a little way from town, on reading a small 
pamphlet in a neat yellow cover, rubbed his hands with 
symptoms of great satisfaction, called for his favourite 
Chinese inkstand, with two sprawling Mandarines for its sup- 
porters, and wrote the letter which he had the honour to 
present me. 



SALMAGUNDI 25 

As I foresee my cousin will one day become a great favourite 
with the public, and as I know him to be somewhat punctilious 
as it respects etiquette, I shall take this opportunity to gratify 
the old gentleman by giving him a proper introduction to the 
fashionable world. The Cockloft family, to which I have the 
comfort of being related, has been fruitful in old bachelors 
and humourists, as will be perceived when I come to treat 
more of its history. My cousin Pindar is one of its most con- 
spicuous members— he is now in his fifty-eighth year — is a 
bachelor, partly through choice, and partly through chance, 
and an oddity of the first water. Half his life has been em- 
ployed in writing odes, sonnets, epigrams, and elegies, which 
he seldom shows to any body but myself after they are 
written ; and all the old chests, drawers, and chair-bottoms in 
the house, teem with his productions. 

In his younger days he figured as a dashing blade in the 
great world ; and no young fellow of the town wore a longer 
pig-tail, or carried more buckram in his skirts. From sixteen 
to thirty he was continually in love, and during that period, 
to use his own words, he be-scribbled more paper than would 
serve the theatre for snow-storms a whole season. The even- 
ing of his thirtieth birthday, as he sat by the fireside, as much 
in love as ever was man in the world and writing the name of 
his mistress in the ashes, with an old tongs that had lost one 
of its legs, he was seized with a whim-w^ham that he was an 
old fool to be in love at his time of life. It was ever one of 
the Cockloft characteristics to strike to whim ; and had Pindar 
stood out on this occasion he would have brought the reputa- 
tion of his mother in question. From that time he gave up all 
particular attentions to the ladies ; and though he still loves 
their company, he has never been known to exceed the bounds 
of common courtesy in his intercourse with them. He was 
the life and ornament of our family circle in town, until the 
epoch of the French revolution, which sent so many unfor- 
tunate dancing-masters from their country to polish and en- 
lighten our hemisphere. This was a sad time for Pindar, who 
had taken a genuine Cockloft prejudice against ev«ry thing 
French, ever since he was brought to death's door by a ragout: 
he groaned at Ca Ira, and the Marseilles Hymn had much the 
same effect upon him that sharpening a knife on a dry whet- 
stone has upon some people; — it set his teeth chattering. He 
might in time have been reconciled to these rubs, had not the 
introduction of French cockades on the hats of our citizens 



^6 SALMAGUNDI. 

absolutely thrown him into a fever. The first time he saw an 
instance of this kind, he came home with great precipitation, 
packed up his trunk, his old-fashioned writiag-desk, and his 
Chinese ink-stand, and made a kind of growhng retreat to 
Cockloft-Hall, where he has resided ever stace. 

My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition, — a humour- 
ist without ill-nature — he is of the true gim-powder temper ; — 
one flash and all is over. It is true when the wind is easterly^ 
or the gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears of any new 
successes of the French, he will become a little splenetic ; and 
heaven help the man, and more particularly the woman, that 
crosses his humour at that moment ;— she is sure to receive no 
quarter. These are the most sublime moments of Pindar. I 
swear to you, dear ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one 
of these splenetic bursts for the best wig in my wardrobe; 
even though it were proved to be the identical wig worn by 
the sage Linkum Fidelius, when he demonstrated before the 
whole university of Leyden, that it was possible to make 
bricks without straw. I have seen the old gentleman blaze 
forth such a volcanic explosion of wit, ridicule, and satire, 
that I was almost tempted to believe him inspired. But these 
sallies only lasted for a moment, and passed like siunmei 
clouds over the benevolent sunshine which ever warmed his 
heart and lighted up his countenance. 

Time, though it has dealt roughly with his person, has 
passed lightly over the graces of his mind, and left him in full 
possession of all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at 
the relation of a noble and generous action, his heart melts at 
the story of distress, and he is still a warm admirer of the 
fair. Like all old bachelors, however, he looks back with a 
fond and Ungering eye on the period of his boyhood; and 
would sooner suffer the pangs of matrimony than acknowl- 
edge that the world, or any thing in it, is half so clever as it 
was in those good old times that are "gone by." 

I believe I have already mentioned, that with all his good 
qualities he is a humourist, and a humourist of the highest 
order. He has some of the most intolerable whim-whams I 
ever met with in my life, and his oddities are sufficient to eke 
out a hundred tolerable originals. But I will not enlarge on 
them — enough has been told to excite a desire to know more ; 
and I am much mistaken, if in the course of half a dozen of 
our numbers, he don't tickle, plague, please, and perplex the 
whole town, and completely establish his claim to the laure- 



SALMAGUNDI. 27 

ateship he has solicited, and with which we hereby invest 
him, recommending him and his effusions to pubUc reverence 
and respect. 

Launcelot Langstaff. 



TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ^Q. 

Dear Launce, 

As I find you have taken the quill. 
To put our gay town, and its fair under drill 
I offer my hopes for success to your cause, 
And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. 

Ah, Launce, this poor town has been wofiilly f ash'd ; 
Has long been be-Frenchman'd, be-cockney'd, be-trash'd ; 
And our ladies be-devil'd, bewilder'd astray, 
From the rules of there grandames have wander'd away. 
No longer that modest demeanour we meet. 
Which whilom the eyes of our fathers did greet ;- 
No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, be-quill'd, 
Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd, and be-frill'd, — 
No longer our fair ones their grograms display. 
And stiff in brocade, strut '^ like castles" away. 

Oh, how fondly my soul forms departed have traced, 
When our ladies in stays, and in boddice well laced, 
When bishop'd, and cushion'd, and hoop'd to the chin. 
Well callash'd without, and well bolster'd within ; 
All cased in their buckrams, from crown down to tail. 
Like O'Brallagan's mistress, were shaped like a pail. 

Well — peace to those fashions — the joy of our eyes— 
Tempora mutantur,— new follies will rise; 
Yet, ' ' like joys that are past, " they still crowd on the mind. 
In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. 

Sweet days, of our boyhood, gone by, my dear Launce, 
Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a trance ; 
Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, 
Nos mutamur, 'tis true— but those visions remain 
I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep. 
When some dehcate foot from its chamber would peep ; 
And when I a neat stocking'd ankle could spy, 
—By the sages of old, I was rapt to the sky.' 



98 SALMAGUNDI. 

All then was retiring — was modest — discreet ; 

The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit ; 

To the visions which fancy would form in her eye, 

Of graces that snug in soft ambush would lie ; 

And the heart, like the poets, in thought would pursue 

The elysium of bhss, which was veil'd from its view. 

We are old-f ashion'd fellows, our nieces will say : 
Old-fashion'd, indeed, coz — and swear it they may — 
For I freely confess that it yields me no pride. 
To see them all blaze what their mothers would hide ; 
To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's day, 
So lavish their beauties and graces display, 
And give to each fopling that offers his hand, 
Like Moses from Pisgah — a peep at the land. 

But a truce with complaining— the object in view 
Is to offer my help in the work you pursue ; 
And as your effusions and labours sublime, 
May need, now and then, a few touches of rhyme, 
I hmnbly solicit, as cousin and friend, 
A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send : 
Or should you a laureate want in your plan, 
By the muff of my grandmother, I am your man ! 
You must know I have got a poetical mill. 
Which with odd lines, and couplets, and triplits I fill ; 
And a poem I grind, as from rags white and blue 
The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. 
I can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, 
Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song: 
As to dull hudibrastic, so boasted of late. 
The doggerel discharge of some muddled brain'd pate, 
I can grind it by wholesale— and give it its point, 
With billingsgate dish'd up in rhymes out of joint. 

I have read all the poets— and got them by heart. 
Can slit them, and twist them, and take them apart ; 
Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds. 
To muddle my readers, and bother their heads. 
Old Homer, and Virgil, and Ovid I scan, 
Anacreon, and Sappho, who changed to a swan; — 
Iambics and sapphics I grind at my will, 
And with ditties of love every noddle can fill. 

Oh, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to see my mill 
grind 
Old stuff into verses, and poems refin'd \ — 



SALMAGUNDI. 29 

Dan Spencer, Dan Chaucer, those poets of old, 
Though cover'd with dust, are yet true sterUng gold ; 
I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to view. 
New modell'd, new miird, and improved in their hue. 

But I promise no more — only give me the place. 
And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace ; 
By the Uvlng ! I'll figure and cut you a dash 
—As bold as Will Wizard, or 'Sbidlikens-flash ! 

Pindar Cockloft. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 

Perhaps the most fruitful source of mortification to a merry 
writer who, for the amuseroent of himself and the pubhc, 
employs his leisure in sketching odd characters from imagina- 
tion, is, that he cannot flourish liis pen, but every Jack-pud- 
ding imagines it is pointed directly at himself: — he camiot, 
in his gambols, throw a fool's cap among the crowd, but every 
queer fellow insists upon puttng it on his own head ; or chalk 
an outlandish figure, but every outlandish genius is eager to 
write his own name under it. However we may be mortified, 
that these men should each individually think himself of suffi- 
cient consequence to engage our attention, we should not care 
a rush about it, if they did not get into a passion and com- 
plain of having been ill-used. 

It is not in our hearts to hurt the feelings of one single 
mortal, by holding him up to pubhc ridicule ; and if it were, 
we lay it down as one tl our indisputable facts, that no man 
can be made ridiculous but by his own foUy. As, however, 
we are aware that when a man by chance gets a thwack in the 
crowd, he is apt to suppose V;he blow was intended exclusively 
for himself, and so fall into unreasonable anger, we have de- 
termined to let these crusty gentry know what kind of satis- 
faction they are to expect from us. We are resolved not to 
fight, for three special reasons ; first, because fighting is at all 
events extremely troublesome and inconvenient, particularly 
at this season of the year; second, because if either of us 
should happen to be killed, it would be a great loss to the 
pubhc, and rob them of many a good laugh we have in store 
for their amusement ; and third, because if we should chance 
to kill our adversary, as is most likely, for we can every one 



30 SALMAGUNDI 

of us split balls upon razors, and snuff candles, it would be a 
loss to our publisher, by depriving him of a good customer. 
If any gentleman casuist will give three as good reasons for 
fighting, we promise him a complete set of Salmagundi for 
nothing. 

But though we do not fight in our own proper persons, let it 
not be supposed that we will not give ample satisfaction to all 
those who may choose to demand it — for this would be a mis- 
take of the first magnitude, and lead very valiant gentlemen per- 
haps into what is called a quandary. It would be a thousand 
and one pities, that any honest man, after taking to himself 
the cap and beUs which we merely offered to his acceptance, 
should not have the privilege of being cudgeled into the bar- 
gain. We pride ourselves upon giving satisfaction in every 
department of our paper ; and to fill that of fighting have en- 
gaged two of those strapping heroes of the theatre, who figure 
in the retinues of our ginger-bread kings and queens; now 
hurry an old stuff petticoat on their backs, and strut senators 
of Eome, or aldermen of London ; — and now be- whisker their 
muffin faces with burnt cork, and swagger right valiant war- 
riors, armed cap-a-pie, in buckram. Should, therefore, any 
great little man about town, take offence at our good-natured- 
villainy, though we intend to offend nobody under heaven, h^ 
will please to apply at any hour after twelve o'clock, as our 
champions will then be off duty at the theatre and ready for 
anything. They have promised to fight "with or without 
balls," — to give two tweaks of the nose for one — ^to submit to 
be kicked, and to cudgel their applicant most heartily in re- 
turn; this being what we understand by " the satisfaction of a 
gentleman." 



SALMAGUNDI 31 



NO. III.-FRIDAY. FEBRUARY 13, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

As I delight in every thing novel and eccentric, and would 
at any time give an old coat for a new idea, I am particularly 
attentive to the manners and conversation of strangers, and 
scarcely ever a traveler enters this city, whose appearance 
promises any thing original, but by some means or another I 
form an acquaintance with him. I must confess I often suffer 
manifold afliictions from the intimacies thus contracted : my 
curiosity is frequently punished by the stupid details of a 
blockhead, or the shallow verbosity of a coxcomb. Now I 
would prefer at any time to travel with an ox-team through a 
Carolina sand-flat rather than plod through a heavy unmean- 
ing conversation with the former ; and as to the latter, I would 
sooner hold sweet converse with the wheel of a knife grinder 
than endure his monotonous chattering. In fact, the strangers 
who flock to this most pleasant of all earthly cities, are gener- 
ally mere birds of passage whose plumage is often gay enough, 
I own, but their notes, "heaven save the mark," are as un- 
musical as those of that classic night bird, which the ancients 
humorously selected as the emblem of wisdom. Those from 
the south, it is true, entertain me with their horses, equipages, 
and puns : and it is excessively pleasant to hear a couple of 
these four in hand gentlemen detail their exploits over a 
bottle. Those from the east have often induced me to doubt 
the existence of the wise men of yore, who are said to have 
flourished in that quarter ; and as for those from parts beyond 
seas — oh! my masters, ye shall hear more from me anon. 
Heaven help this unhappy town !— hath it not goslings enow 
of its own hatching and rearing, that it must be overwhelmed 
by such an inundation of ganders from other climes? I would 
not have any of my courteous and gentle readers suppose that 



32 SALMAGUNDI. 

I am running a muck, full tilt, cut and slash upon all foreign- 
ers indiscriminately. I have no national antipathies, though 
related to the Cockloft family. As to honest John Bull, I 
shake him heartily by the hand, assuring him that I love his 
jolly countenance, and moreover am lineally descended from 
him ; in proof of which I allege my invincible predilection for 
roast beef and pudding. I therefore look upon all his children 
as my kinsmen ; and I beg when I tackle a cockney I may not 
be understood as trimming an Englislmian ; they being very 
distinct animals, as I shall clearly demonstrate in a future 
number. If any one wishes to know my opinion of the Irish 
and Scotch, he may find it in the characters of those two 
nations, drawn by the first advocate of the age. But the 
French, I must confess, are my favourites ; and I have taken 
more pains to argue my cousin Pindar out of his antipathy to 
them, than I ever did about any other thing. When, there- 
fore, I choose to hunt a Monsieur for my own particular 
amusement, I beg it may not be asserted that I intend him 
as a representative of his countrymen at large. Far from this 
— I love the nation, as being a nation of right merry fellows, 
possessing the true secret of being happy ; which is nothing 
more than thinking of nothing, talking about any thing, and 
laughing at every thing. I mean only to tune up those little 
thing-o-mys, who represent nobody but themselves ; who have 
no national trait about them but their language, and who hop 
about our town in swarms like little toads after a shower. 

Among the few strangers whose acquaintance has enter- 
tained me, I particularly rank the magnanimous Mustapha 
Rub-a-dub Keli Kha.n, a most illustrious captain of a ketch, 
who figured some time since, in our fashionable circles, at the 
head of a ragged regiment of Tripolitan prisoners. His con- 
versation was to me a perpetual feast ; — I chuckled with in- 
ward pleasure at his whimsical mistakes and unaffected ob- 
servations on men and manners ; and I rolled each odd con= 
ceit "like a sweet morsel under my tongue." 

Whether Mustapha was captivated by my iron-bound 
physiognomy, or flattered by the attentions which I paid him, 
I won't determine ; but I so far gained his confidence, that, at 
his departure, he presented me with a bundle of papers, con- 
taining, among other articles, several copies of letters, which 
he had written to his friends at Tripoli. — The following is a 
translation of one of them.— The original is in Arabic-Greek; 
but by the assistance of Will Wizard, who understands all 



SALMAGUNDI 33 

languages, not excepting that manufactured by Psalmanzar, I 
have been enabled to accomplish a tolerable translation. We 
should have found little difficulty in rendering it into English, 
had it not been for Mustapha's confounded pot-hooks and 
trammels. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OP TRIPOLI. 

Thou wilt learn from this letter, most illustrious disciple of 
Mahomet, that I have for some time resided in New- York; 
the most polished, vast, and magnificent city of the United 
States of America. But what to me are its delights ! I wan- 
der a captive through its splendid streets, I turn a heavy eye 
on every rising day that beholds me banished from my coun- 
try. The Christian husbands here lament most bitterly any 
short absence from home, though they leave but one wofe be- 
hind to lament their departure ; — what then must be the feel- 
ings of thy unhappy kinsman, while thus lingering at an im- 
measurable distance from three-and-twenty of the most lovely 
and obedient wives in all Tripoli ! Oh, Allah ! shall thy servant 
never again return to his native land, nor behold his beloved 
wives, who beam on his memory beautiful as the rosy morn of 
the east, and graceful as Mahomet's camel I 

Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave-driver, as are my 
wives, they are far exceeded by the women of this country. 
Even those who run about the streets with bare arms and necks 
{et cetera) whose habiliments gpre too scanty to protect them 
either from the inclemency of the season, or the scrutinizing 
glances of the curious, and who it would seem belong to no- 
body, are lovely as the houris that people the elysium of true 
believers. If, then, such as rim wild in the highways, and 
whom no one cares to appropriate, are thus beauteous ; what 
must be the charms of those who are shut up in the seraglios 
and never permitted to go abroad ! surely the region of beauty, 
the valley of the graces, can contain nothing so inimitably fair ! 

But, notwithstanding the charms of these infidel women, 
they are apt to have one fault, which is extremely troublesome 
and inconvenient. Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I have 



34 SALMAGUNDI. 

been positively assured by a famous dervise, or doctor as he is 
here called, that at least one-fifth part of them— have souls ! 
incredible as it may seem to thee, I am the more incUned to 
believe them in possession of this monstrous superfluity, from 
my own little experience, and from the information which I 
have derived from others. In walking the streets I have 
actually seen an e^'ceedingly good-looking woman with soul 
enough to box her husband's ears to his heart's content, and 
my very whiskers trembled with indignation at the abject 
state of these wi-etched infidels. I am told, moreover, that 
some of the women have soul enough to usurp the breeches of 
the men, but these I suppose are married and kept close ; for I 
have not, in my rambles, met with any so extravagantly 
accoutred ; others, I am informed, have soul enough to swear ! 
— yea! by the beard of the great Omar, who prayed three 
times to each of the one hundred and twenty-four thousand 
prophets of our most holy faith, and who never swore but 
once in his life— they actually swear ! 

Get thee to the mosque, good Asem ! return thanks to our 
most holy prophet that he has been thus mindful of the com- 
fort of all true Mussulmen, and has given them wives with no 
more souls than cats and dogs and other necessary animals of 
the household. 

Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn our reception in this 
country, and how we were treated by a people whom we have 
been accustomed to consider as unenlightened barbarians. 

On landing, we were waited upon to our lodgings, I suppose 
according to the directions of the municipahty, by a vast and 
respectable escort of boys and negroes; who shouted and 
threw up their hats, doubtless to do honour to the magnani- 
mous Mustapha, captain of a ketch ; they were somewhat rag- 
ged and dirty in their equipments, but this we attributed to 
their republican simplicity. One of them, in the zeal of ad- 
miration, threw an old shoe, which gave thy friend rather an 
ungentle salutation on one side of the head, whereat I was not 
a little offended, until the interpreter informed us that this 
was the customary manner in which great men were honoured 
in this country ; and that the more distinguished they were, 
the more they were subjected to the attacks and peltings of 
the mob. Upon this I bowed my head three times, with my 
hands to my turban, and made a speech in Arabic-Greek, w^hich 
gave great satisfaction and occasioned a shower of old shoes, 
hats, and so forth, that was exceedingly refreshing to us all. 



SALMAGUNDI. 35 

Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should give thee an 
account of ttie laws and politics of this country. I will reserve 
them for some future letter, when I shall be more experienced 
in their complicated and seemingly contradictory nature. 

This empire is governed by a grand and most puissant ba- 
shaw, whom they dignify with the title of president. He is 
chosen by persons who are chosen by an assembly elected by 
the people — hence the mob is called the sovereign people; and 
the country, free ; the body politic doubtless resembling a ves- 
sel, which is best governed by its tail. The present bashaw is 
a very plain old gentleman— something, they say, of a humour- 
ist, as he amuses himself with impahng butterflies and pickhng 
tadpoles; he is rather declining in popularity, having given 
great offence by wearing red breeches, and tying his horse to a 
post. The people of the United States have assured me that 
they themselves are the most enlightened nation under the 
sun ; but thou knowest that the barbarians of the desert, who 
assemble at the summer solstice to shoot their arrows at that 
glorious luminary, in order to extinguish his burning rays, 
make precisely the same boast ;— which of them have the supe- 
rior claim, I shall not attempt to decide. 

I have observed, with some degree of surprise, that the men 
of this country do not seem in haste to accommodate them- 
selves even with the single wife which alone the laws permit 
them to marry ; this backwardness is probably owing to the 
misfortune of their absolutely having no female mutes among 
them. Thou knowest how invaluable are these silent compan- 
ions ;— what a price is given for them in the east, and what en- 
tertaining wives they make. What delightful entertainment 
arises from beholding the silent eloquence of their signs and 
gestures; but a wife possessed both of a tongue and a soul— 
monstrous! monstrous! is it astonishing that these unhappy 
infidels should shrink from a union with a woman so prepos- 
terously endowed. 

Thou hast doubtless read in the works of Abul Faraj, the 
Arabian historian, the tradition which mentions that the 
muses were once upon the point of faUing together by the ears 
about the admission of a tenth among their number, until she 
assured them by signs that she was dumb ; whereupon they 
received her with great rejoicing. I should, perhaps, inform 
thee that there are but nine Christian muses, who were for- 
merly pagans, but have since been converted, and that in this 
country we never hear of a tenth, unless some crazy poet 



36 SALMAGUNDI. 

wishes to pay a hyperbolical compliment to his mistress; on 
which occasion it goes hard, but she figures as a. tenth muse, 
or fourth grace, even though she should be more illiterate than 
a Hottentot, and more ungraceful than a dancing-bear ! Since 
my arrival in this country I have met with not less than a 
hundred of these supernumerary muses and graces — and may 
Allah preserve me from ever meeting with any more ! 

When I have studied this people more profoundly, I will 
write thee again; in the mean time, watch ov^er my house- 
hold, and do not beat my beloved wives unless you catch them 
with their noses out at the window. Though far distant and a 
slave, let me live in thy heart as thou livest in mine : — think 
not, O friend of my soul, that the splendours of this luxurious 
capital, its gorgeous palaces, its stupendous masques, and the 
beautiful females who run wild in herds about its streets, can 
obliterate thee from my remembrance. Thy name shall still 
be mentioned in the five-and-tAventy prayers which I offer up 
daily ; and may our great prophet, after bestowing on thee all 
the blessings of this life, at length, in good old age, lead thee 
gently by the hand to enjoy the dignity of bashaw of three 
tails in the bhssful bowers of Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 



FASHIONS. 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent. 

the following article is furnished me by a young lady of 
unquestionable taste, and who is the oracle of fashion 
and frippery, being deeply initiated into all the mys- 
teries of the toilet, she has promised me from time to 
time a similar detail. 

Mrs. Toole has for some time reigned unrivalled in the 
fashionable world, and had the supreme direction of caps, bon- 
nets, feathers, flowers, and tinsel. She has dressed and un- 
dressed our ladies just as she pleased; now loading them with 
velvet and wadding, now turning them adrift upon the world 
to run shivering through the streets with scarcely a covering 

to their ^backs ; and now obliging them to drag a long train 

at their heels, like the tail of a paper kite. Her despotic sway, 
however, threatens to be limited. A dangerous rival has 



SALMAGUNDI. 37 

sprung up in the person of Madame Bouchard, an intrepid 
little woman, fresh from the headquarters of fashion and 
folly, and who has burst, like a second Bonaparte, upon the 
fashionable world. — Mrs. Toole, notwithstanding, seems de- 
termined to dispute her ground bravely for the honour of old 
England. The ladies have begun to arrange themselves under 
the banner of one or other of these heroines of the needle, and 
everything portends open war. Madame Bouchard marches 
gallantly to the field, flourishing a flaming red robe for a 
standard, "flouting the skies;" and Mrs. Toole, no ways dis- 
mayed, sallies out under cover of a forest of artificial flowers, 
like Malcolm's host. Both parties possess great merit, and 
botli deserve the victory. Mrs. Toole charges the highest — ^but 
Madame Bouchard makes the lowest courtesy. Madame 
Bouchard is a little short lady — nor is there mij hope of her 
growing larger; but then she is perfectly genteel, and so is 
Mrs. Toole. Mrs. Toole lives in Broadway, and Madame 
Bouchard in Courtlandt-street ; but Madame atones for the in- 
feriority of her stand by making two courtesies to Mrs. Toole's 
one, and talking French like an angel. Mrs. Toole is the best 
looking — but Madame Bouchard wears a most bewitching little 
scrubby wig. —Mrs. Toole is the tallest — but Madame Bouchard 
has the longest nose. — Mrs. Toole is fond of roast beef— but 
Madame is loyal in her adhei-ence to onions : in short, so equal- 
ly are the merits of i\e two ladies balanced, that there is no 
judging wdiich will ' ' kick the beam. " It, however, seems to 
be the prevailing opinion that Madame Bouchard will carry 
the day, because she wears a wig, has a long nose, talks 
French, loves onions, and does not charge above ten times as 
much for a thing as it is worth. 

UNDER THE DIRECTION OF THESE HIGH PRIESTESSES OF THE 
BEAU-MONDE, THE FOLLOWING IS THE FASHIONABLE MORNING 
' DRESS FOR WALKING. 

If the weather be very cold, a thin muslin gown, or frock, is 
most advisable ; because it agrees with the season, being per- 
fectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows bare, 
in order that they may be agreeably painted and mottled by 
.Mr. John Frost, nose-painter-general, of the colour of Castile 
soap. Shoes of kid, the thinnest that can possibly be procured 
—as they tend to promote colds, and make a lady look interest- 
ing— (*. e., grizzly.) Picnic silk stockings, with lace clocks. 



38 SALMAGUNDI. 

flesh-coloured are most fashionable, as they have the appear- 
ance of bare legs — nudity being all the rage. The stockings 
carelessly bespattered with mud, to agree with the gown, which 
should be bordered about three inches deep with the most fash- 
ionable coloured mud that can be found : the ladies permitted 
to hold up their trains, after they have swept two or three 

streets, in order to show the clocks of their stockings. The 

shawl, scarlet, crimson, flame, orange, salmon, or any other 
combustible or brimstone colour, thrown over one shoulder; 
like an Indian blanket, with one end dragging on the ground. 

N. B. If the ladies have not a red shawl at hand, a red petti- 
coat turned topsy-turvy, over the shoulders, would do just as 
well. This is called being dressed a la drabble. 

When the ladies do not go abroad of a morning, the usual 
chimney-corner dress is a dotted, spotted, striped, or cross- 
barred gown;— a yellowish, whitish, smokish, dirty-coloured 
shawl, and the hair curiously ornamented with little bits of 
newspapers, or pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This is 
called the " Cinderella-dress." 

The recipe for a full dress is as follows : take of spider-net, 
crape, satin, gymp, cat-gut, gauze, whale-bone, lace, bobbin, 
ribands, and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out the con- 
gregation of a village church ; to these, add as many spangles, 
beads, and gew-gaws, as would be sufficient to turn the heads 
of all the fashionable fair ones of Noqtka-sound. Let Mrs. 
Toole or Madame Bouchard patch all these articles together, 
one upon another, dash them plentifully over with stars, 
bugles, and tinsel, and they will altogether form a. dress, 
which hung upon a lady's back, cannot fail of supplying the 
place of beauty, youth, and grace, and of reminding the spec- 
tator of that celebrated region of finery, called Rag Fair. 



One of the greatest sources of amusement incident to our 
humourous knight errantry, is to ramble about and hear the 
various conjectures of the town respecting our worships, whom 
every body pretends to know as well as Falstaff did Prin 3e Hal 
at Gads-hill. We have sometimes seen a sapient, sleepy fellow, 
on being tickled with a straw, make a furious effort and fancy 
he had fairly caught a gnat in his grasp; so, that many-headed 
monster, the public, who, with all its heads, is, we fear, sadly 
off for brains, has, after long hovering, come souse down, like 



SALMAGUNDI. 39 

a king-fisher, on the authors of Sahnagiirdi, and caught them 
as certainly as the aforesaid honest fellow caught the gnat. 

Would that we were rich enough to give every one of our 
numerous readers a cent, as a reward for their ingenuity ! not 
that they have really conjectured within a thousand leagues of 
the truth, but that we consider it a great stretch of ingenuity 
even to have guessed wrong ; and that we hold ourselves much 
obhged to them for having taken the trouble to guess at all. 

One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous pleasures of this 
life is to laugh in one's sleeve— to sit snug in the corner, un- 
noticed and unknown, and hear the wise men of Gotham, who 
are profound judges of horse-flesh, pronounce, from the style 
of our work, who are the authors. This listening incog. , and 
receiving a hearty praise over another man's back, is a situa- 
tion so celestially whimsical, that we have done Httle else than 
laugh in our sleeve ever since our first nmnber was published. 

The town has at length allayed the titilations of curiosity, 
by fixing on two young gentlemen of literary talents — that is 
to say, they are equal to the composition of a newspaper squib, 
a hodge podge criticism, or some such trifle, and may occasion- 
ally raise a smile by their effusions ; but pardon us, sweet sirs, 
if we modestly doubt your capability of supporting the burthen 
of Salmagundi, or of keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, 
as we have done, and intend to do, until the whole town 
becomes a community of laughing philosophers like ourselves. 
We have no intention, however, of undervaluing the abflities 
of these two young men, whom we verily beheve, according to 
common acceptation, young men of promise. 

Were we ill-natured, we might pubHsh something that 
would get our representatives into difficulties; but far be it 
from us to do anything to the injury of persons to whom we 
are under such obligations. 

While they stand before us, we, hke httle Teucer, behind the 
sevenfold shield of Ajax, can launch unseen our sportive 
arrows, which we trust will never inflict a wound, unless like 
his they fly "heaven directed," to some conscious-struck 
bosom. 

Another marvellous great source of pleasure to us, is the 
abuse our work has received from several wooden gentlemen, 
whose censures we covet more than ever we did any thing in 
our hves. The moment we declared open war against folly 
and stupidness, we expected no quarter ; and to provoke a con 
federacy of all the blockheads in town. For it is one of our 



40 SALMAGUNDI 

indisputable facts that so sure as you catch a gander by the 
tail, the whole flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have a fellow- 
feeling on the occasion, and begin to cackle and hiss like so many 
devils bewitched. As we have a profound respect for these 
ancient and respectable birds, on the score of their once having 
saved the capitol, we hereby declare that we mean no offence 
to the aforesaid confederacy. We have heard in our walks 
such criticisms on Salmagundi, as almost induced a belief that 
folly had here, as in the east, her moments of inspired idiot- 
ism. Every silly royster has, as if by an instinctive sense of 
anticipated danger, joined in the cry; and condemned us 
without mercy. All is thus as it should be. it would have 
mortified us very sensibly, had we been disappointed in this 
particular, as we should have been apprehensive that our 
shafts had fallen to the gi'ound, innocent of the "blood or 
brains" of a single numbskull. Our efforts have been crowned 
with wonderful success. All the queer fish, the grubs, the 
flats, the noddies, and the live oak and timber gentlemen, are 
pointing their empty guns at us : and we are threatened with a 
most puissant confederacy of the "pigmies and cranes," and 
other " light militia," backed by the heavy armed artillery of 
dullness and stupidity. The veriest dreams of our most san- 
guine moments are thus realized. We have no fear of the 
censures of the wise, the good, or the fair; for they ^dll ever be 
sacred from our attacks. We reverence the wise, love the 
good, and adore the fair ; we declare ourselves champions in 
their cause; — in the cause of morality; — and we throw our 
gauntlet to all the world besides. 

While we profess and feel the same indifference to pul)lic 
applause as at first, we most earnestly invite the attacks and 
censures of all the wooden warriors of this sensible city ; and 
especially of that distinguished and learned body, heretofore 
celebrated under the appellation of " the North-river society." 

The thrice valiant and renowned Don Quixote never made 
such work among the wool-clad warriors of Trapoban, or the 
puppets of the itinerant showman, as we promise to make 
among these fine fellows; and we pledge ourselves to the 
public in general, arid the Albany skippers in particular, that 
the North river shall not be set on fire this winter at least, for 
we shall give the authoi's of that nefarious scheme, ample em» 
ployment for some time to come. 



SALMAGUNDI. 41 

PROCLAMATION, 

FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

To all the young belles who enliven our scene, 
From ripe five-and-f orty , to blooming fifteen ; 
Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays, 
Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days: 
Who conquer all hearts, with a shot from the eye, 
Who freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a sigh: — 
To all those bright youths who embeUish the age. 
Whether young boys, or old boys, or numskull or sage : 
Whether dull dogs, who cringe at their mistress' feet, 
Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look sweet ; 
Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock still in a row 
And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for a show ; 
Or SAD DOGS, who glory in running their rigs. 
Now dash in their sleighs, and now whirl in their gigs ; 
Who riot at Dyde's on imperial champaign. 
And then scour our city — the peace to maintain : 

To whoe'er it concerns or may happen to meet. 
By these presente their worships I lovingly greet. 
Now KNOW YE, that I, Pindar Cockloft, esquire, 
Am laureate, appointed at special desire ; — 
A censor, self-dubb'd, to admonish the fair. 
And tenderly take the town under my care. 

I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has said — 
A remnant of habits long vanish'd and dead : 
But still, though my heart dwells with rapture sublime. 
On the fashions and customs which reign'd in my prime, 
I yet can perceive— and still candidly praise. 
Some maxims and manners of these ' ' latter days ; '* 
Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears, 
Though almost entomb'd in the rubbish of years. 

No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, 
Who frown on each foible I chance to espy ; 
Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite, 
And tear up a victim through malice or spite : 
Who expose to the scoffs of an iU-natured crew, 
A trembler for starting a whim that is new. 



42 SALMAGUNDI. 

No, no— I shall cautiously hold up my glass, 
To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass ; 
My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend, 
Nor so vague as to miss their benevolent end : 
Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway ; 
New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway : 
Bed hats and red shawls still illumine the town, 
And each belle, like a bon-fire, blaze up and down. 
Fair spirits, who brighten the gloom of our days, 
Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly rays. 
No mortal can love you more firmly and true. 
From the crown of the head, to the sole of your shoe. 
I'm old fashioned, 'tis true,— but still runs in my heart 
That affectionate stream, to which youth gave the starts 
More calm in its current— yet potent in force ; 
Less ruffled by gales— but still stedfast in course. 
Though the lover, enraptur'd, no longer appears,— 
'Tis the guide and the guardian enhghten'd by years. 
All ripen'd, and mellow'd, and soften'd by time, 
The asperities polish'd which chafed in my prime ; 
I am fully prepared for that dehcate end. 
The fair one's instructor, companion and friend. 
—And should I perceive you in fashion's gay dance, 
Allured by the frippery mongers of France, 
Expose your weak frames to a chill wintry sky. 
To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the eye; 
My soft admonitions shall fall on your ear- 
Shall whisper those parents to whom you are dear- 
Shall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, 
And sing of those fair ones whom frost has undone; 
Bright suns that would scarce on our horizon dawn, 
Ere shrouded from sight, they were early withdrawn; 
Gay sylphs, who have floated in circles below, 
As puBC in their souls, and as transient as snow; 
Sweet roses, that bloom'd and decay'd to my eye, 
And of forms that have flitted and pass'd to the sky. 
But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town. 
Those spiigs of the ton who run decency down; 
Who lounge and who lout, and who booby about. 
No knowledge within, and no manners without; 
Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes; 
Who rail at those morals their fathers would prize; 



BALMAGUNi)!. 40 

Who are loud at the play — and who impiously dare 

To come in their cups to the routs of the fair ; 

I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey 

The figures they cut as they dash it away : 

Should my good-humoured verse no amendment produce, 

Like scare-crows, at least, they shall still be of lise ; 

I shall stitch them, in effigy, up in my rhyme, 

And hold them aloft through the progress of time, 

As figures of fun to make the folks laugh, 

Like that b h of an angel erected by Paff, 

"What shtops," as he says, " all de people what come* 
What smiles on dem all, and what peats on de trum." 



44 BALMAQUNBl. 



NO. IV.-TUESDAY, FEimUARY 24, ISOT. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Perhaps there is no class of men to which the curious and 
literary are more indebted than travellers; — I mean travel- 
mongers, who write whole volumes about themselves, their 
horses and their servants, interspersed with anecdotes of inn- 
keepers, — droll sayings of stage-drivers, and interesting mem- 
oirs of — the Lord knows who. They will give you a full 
account of a city, its manners, customs, and manufactures; 
though, perhaps, all their knowledge of it was obtained by a 
peep from their inn-windows, and an interesting conversation 
with the landlord or the waiter. America has had its share 
of these buzzards; and in the name of my countrymen I 
return them profound thanks for the compliments they have 
lavished upon us, and the variety of particulars concerning 
our own country, which we should never have discovered 
without their assistance. 

Influenced by sucti sentiments, I am delighted to find that 
the Cockloft family, among its other whimsical and monstrous 
productions, is about to be enriched with a genuine travel- 
writer. This is no less a personage than Mr. Jeremy Cock- 
loft, the only son and darling pride of my cousin, Mr. 
Christopher Cockloft. I should have said Jeremy Cockloft, 
the younger^ as he so styles himself, by way of distinguishing 
him from II Signore Jeremy Cockloftico, a gouty old 
gentleman, who flourished about the time that Phny the elder 
was smoked to death with the fire and brimstone of Vesuvius ; 
and whose travels, if he ever wrote any, are now lost for ever 
to the world. Jeremy is at present in his one-and-tAventieth 
year, and a young fellow of wonderful quick parts, if you 
will trust to the word of his father, who, having begotten him, 
should be ^he best judge of the matter. He is the oracle of 



SALMA G UNBI. 45 

the family, dictates to his sisters on every occasion, though 
they are some dozen or more years older than himself : — and 
never did son give mother better advice than Jeremy. 

As old Cockloft was determined his son should be both a 
scholar and a gentleman, he took great pains with his educa- 
tion, which was completed at our university, where he became 
exceedingly expert in quizzing his teachers and playing biL 
hards. No student made better squibs and crackers to blow 
up the chemical professor; no one chalked more ludicrous 
caricatures on the walls of the college ; and none were more 
adroit in shaving pigs and climbing lightning-rods. He more- 
over learned all the letters of the Greek alphabet ; could demon- 
strate that water never ''of its own accord" rose above the 
level of its source, and that air was certainly the principle of 
hfe ; for he had been entertained with the humane experiment 
of a cat worried to death in an air-pump. He once shook 
down the ash-house, by an artificial earthquake; and nearly 
blew his sister Barbara, and her cat, out of the window with 
thimdering powder. He likewise boasts exceedingly of being 
thorouglily acquainted with the composition of Lacedemonian 
black broth ; and once made a pot of it, which had well-nigh 
poisoned the whole family, and actually threw the cook-maid 
into convulsions. But above all, he values himself upon his 
logic, has the old college conundrum of the cat with three tails 
at his finger's ends, and often hampers his father with his syl- 
logisms, to the great delight of the old gentleman ; who con- 
siders the major, minor, and conclusions, as almost equal in 
argument to the pulley, the wedge, and the lever, in mechanics. 
In fact, my cousin Cockloft was once nearly annihilated with 
astonishment, on hearing Jeremy trace his derivation of Mango 
from Jeremiah King ;— as Jeremiah King, Jerry King ! Jerkin 
Girkin ! cucumber. Mango ! in short, had Jeremy been a student 
at Oxford or Cambridge, he Avould, in all probability, have been 
promoted to the dignity of a senior lorangler. By this sketch, I 
mean no disparagement to the abilities of other students of our 
college, for I have no doubt that every commencement ushers 
into society luminaries full as brilliant as Jeremy Cockloft the 
younger. 

Having made a very pretty speech on graduating, to a numer- 
ous assemblage of old folks and young ladies, who all declared 
that he was a very fine young man, and made very handsome 
gestures, Jeremy was seized with a great desire to see, or rather 
to be seen bv the world ; and as his father was anxious to give 



46 BALMAGUNDL 

him every possible advantage, it was determined Jeremy should 
visit foreign parts. In consequence of this resolution, he has 
spent a matter of three or four months in visiting strange 
places ; and in the course of his travels has tarried some few 
days at the splendid metropolis' of Albany and Philadelphia, 

Jeremy has travelled as every modern man of sense should 
do ; that is, he judges of things by the sample next at hand ; if 
he has ever any doubt on a subject, always decides against the 
city where he happens to sojourn ; and invariably takes home, 
as the standard by which to direct his judgment. 

Going into his room the other day, when he happened to be 
absent, I found a manuscript volume lying on his table ; and 
was overjoyed to find it contained notes and hints for a book 
of travels which he intends publishing. He seems to have 
taken a late fashionable travel-monger for his model, and I 
have no doubt his work will be equally instructive and amusing 
with that of his prototype. The following are some extracts, 
which may not prove uninteresting to my readers. 



MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR, TO BE ENTITLED "THE 
STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY; OR, COCKNEY TRAVEL- 
LING." 

BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 

Chapter I. 

The man in the moon * — preparations for departure— hints to 
travellers about packing their trunks +— straps, buckles, and 
bed-cords— case of pistols, a la cockney— five, trunks— three 
bandboxes— a cocked hat— and a medicine chest, a la Francaise 
— parting advice of my two sisters — quere, why old maids are 
so particular in their cautions against naughty women— descrip- 
tion of Powles-Hook ferry-boats— might be converted into gun- 
boats, and defend our port equally well with Albany sloops— 
Brom, the black ferryman— Charon — river Styx— ghosts ;— 
major Hunt— good story— ferryage nine-pence ;— city of Harsi- 
mus— built on the spot where the folk once danced on their 
stumps, whUe the devil fiddled ;— quere, why do the Harsimites 



* vide Carr's Stranger in Ireland. t vide Weld. 



BALMAGVTWI. 47 

talk Dutch?— story of the tower of Babel, and confusion of 
tongues— get into the stage — driver a wag— famous fellow for 
running stage races— killed three passengers and cripjDled nine 
in the course of his practice — philosophical reasons why stage 
drivers love grog— causeway —ditch on each side for folk to 
tumble into— famous place for sMlly-pots ; Philadelphians call 
'em tarapins — roast them under the ashes as we do potatoes— 
quere, may not this be the reason that the Philadelphians are 
all turtle-heads ?— Hackensack bridge— good painting of a blue 
horse jumping over a mountain — wonder who it was painted 
by ; — mem. to ask the Baron de Gusto about it on my return ; 
— Rattle-snake hill, so called from abounding with butterflies ; 
— salt marsh, surmounted here and there by a sohtary hay- 
stack ; — more tarapins — wonder why the Philadelphians don't 
establish a fishery here, and get a patent for it ; — bridge over 
the Passaic — rate of toll — description of toll-boards — to!^ man 
had but one eye — story how it is possible he may have lost the 
other — pence-table, etc.* 



Chapter II. 

Newark— noted for its fine breed of fat mosquitoes— sting 
through the thickest boot f— story about Gall ynijjers— Archer 
Grifford and his man Cahban— jolly fat fellows;— a knowing 
traveller always judges of every thing by the inn-keepers and 
waiters;! set down Newark people all fat as butter— learned 
dissertation on Archer Gilford's green coat, with philosophical 
reasons why the Newarkites wear red worsted* night-caps, and 
tm-n their noses to the south when the wind blows— Newark 
academy full of windows— sunshine excellent to make little 
boys grow— Ehzabeth-town— fine girls- vile mosquitoes— plenty 
of oysters-quere, have oysters any feeling ?— good story about 
the fox catching them by his tail— ergo, foxes might be of great 
use in the pearl-fishery ; -landlord member of the legislature- 
treats every body who has a vote— mem., all the inn-keepers 
members of legislature in New-Jersey ; Bridge-town, vulgarly 
caUed Sioank-town, from a story of a quondam parson and his 
wife— real name, according to Linkum Fidehus, Bridge-town, 
from bridge, a contrivance to get dry shod over a river or 



*t;tdeCarr. tmde Weld. 

t vide Carr. v/de Moore, wde Weld, mde Parkinson. t?zde Priest, vide Linkum 
Fidehus, and vide Messrs, Tag, Rag, and Bobtail. 



48 SALMAGUNDI. 

brook ; and toicn, an appellation given in America to the acci- 
dental assemblage of a church, a tavern, and a blacksmith's 
shop— Linkum as right as my left leg;— Rahway-river— good 
place for gun-boats — wonder why Mr. Jefferson don't send a 
river fleet there to protect the hay- vessels ? — Woodbridge — land- 
lady mending her husband's breeches — sublime aiiostrophe to 
conjugal affection and the fair sex ;* — Woodbridge famous for 
its crab-fishery — sentimental correspondence between a crab 
and a lobster — digression to Abelard and Eloisa ; — mem. , when 
the moon is in Pisces^ she plays the devil with the crabs. 

Chapter III. 

Brunswick — oldest town in the state — division-line between 
two counties in the middle of the street ;— posed a lawyer with 
the case of a man standing with one foot in each county — 
wanted to know in which he was domicil — lawyer couldn't tell 
for the soul of him — mem., all the New- Jersey lawyers nums.; 
— Miss Hay's boarding-school — young ladies not allowed to eat 
mustard— and why? — fat story of a mustard-pot, with a good 
saying of Ding-Dong's ;— Vernon's tavern — fine place to sleep, 
if the noise would let you— another Caliban !— Vernon slew-eyed 
— people of Brunswick, of course, all squint ; — Drake's tavern 
— fine old blade — wears square buckles in his shoes — tells 
bloody long stories about last war — people, of course, all do the 
same ; Hook'em Snivy, the famous fortune-teller, born here — 
cotemporary with mother Shoulders — particulars of his his- 
tory — died one 'day — lines to his memory, which found their 
2vay into my pocket -book ; i — melancholy reflections on the 
death of great men — beautiful epitaph on myself. 

Chapter IV. 

Princeton — college — professors wear boots! — students fa- 
mous for their love of a jest— set the college on fire, and burnt 
out the professors ; an excellent joke, but not worth repeating 
— mem., American students very much addicted to burning 
down colleges— reminds me of a good story, nothing at all to 
the purpose — two societies in the college — good notion — en- 
courages emulation, and makes little boys fight; — students 
famous for their eating and erudition — saw two at the tavern, 

* vide The Sentimental Kotzebue. 
t vide Carr and Blind Bet ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 49 

who had just got their allowance of spending-money — laid it 

all out in a supper— got fuddled, and d d the professors for 

nincoms. N. B. Southern gentlemen — Church-yard— apos- 
trophe to grim death — saw a cow feeding on a grave— metem- 
psychosis — ^who knows but the cow may have been eating up 
the soul of one of my ancestors — made me melancholy and 
pensive for fifteen minutes;— man planting cabbages* — won- 
dered how he could plant them so straight— method of mole- 
catching — and all that— quere, whether it would not be a good 
notion to ring their noses as we do pigs— mem., to propose it to 
the American Agricultural Society— get a premium, perhaps ; 
— commencement — students give a ball and supper — company 
from New- York, Philadelphia, and Albany— great contest 
which spoke the best English— Albanians vociferous in then* 
demand for sturgeon — Philadelphians gave the preference to 
racoon f and splacnuncs — gave them a long dissertation on the 
phlegmatic nature of a goose's gizzard — students can't dance- 
always set off with the wrong foot foremost — Duport's opinion 
on that subject — Sir Christopher Hatton the first man who 
ever turned out his toes in dancing — gi^eat favourite with 
Queen Bess on that account— Sir Walter Raleigh — good story 
about his smoldng — his descent into New Spain — El Dorado — 
Candid— Dr. Pangloss— Miss Cunegunde — earthquake at Lis- 
bon — Baron of Thundertentronck — Jesuits — Monks — Cardinal 
Woolsey — Pope Joan — Tom Jefferson— Tom Paine, and Tom 
the whew ! N.B.- -Students got drunk as usual. 

Chapter V. 

Left Princeton— country finely diversified with sheep and 
hay-stacks X — saw a man riding alone in a wagon ! why the 
deuce didn't the blockhead ride in a chair? fellow must be a 
fool— particular account of the construction of wagons— carts, 
wheelbarrows and quail-traps— saw a large flock of crows — 
concluded there must be a dead horse in the neighbourhood- 
mem, country remarkable for croAvs — won't let the horses die 
in peace — anecdote of a jury of crows— stopped to give the 
horses water — good-looking man came up, and asked me if I 
had seen his wife? heavens! thought I, how strange it is that 
this virtuous man should ask me about his wife— story of Cain 
and Abel— stage-driver took a swig—meni. set down all the 



* vide Carr. t vide Priest. % vide Carr. 



50 SALMAGUNDX^ 

people as drunkards— old house had moss on the top— swallows 
built in the roof— better place than old men's beards— story 
about that— derivation of words kippy, hippy ^ Tcippy and shoo- 
pig *— negro driver could not write liis own name— languishing 
state of hterature in this country ; t— pbilosophical inquiry of 
'Sbidhkens, why the Americans are so much inferior to the 
nobility of Cheapside and Shoreditch, aiidwhy they do not eat 
plum-pudding on Sundays ;— superfine reflections about any 
thing. 

Chapter VI. 

Trenton — built above the head of navigation to encourage 
commerce — capital of the State J— only wants a castle, a bay, a 
mountain, a sea, and a volcano, to bear a strong resemblance 
to the Bay of Naples— supreme court sitting — fat chief justice- 
used to get asleep on the bench after dinner- — gave judgment, 
I suppose, like Pilate's wife, from his dreams— reminded me of 
Justice Bridlegoose deciding by a throw of a die, and of the 
oracle of the holy bottle— attempted to kiss the chambermaid 
—boxed my ears till they rung hke our the atre-bell — girl had 
lost one tooth— mem. all the American ladies prudes, and have 
bad teeth; — Anacreon Moore's opinion on the matter. — State- 
house — fine place to see the sturgeons jump up -quere, whether 
sturgeons jump up by an unpulse of the tail, or whether they 
bounce up from the bottom by the elasticity of their noses — 
Linkum Fidelius of the latter opinion — I too — sturgeons' nose 
capital for tennis-balls— learnt that at school — wont to a ball — 
negro wench principal musician ! — N.B. People of America have 
no fiddlers but females !— origin of the phrase, ' ' fiddle of your 
heart" — reasons why men fiddle better than wi:)men; — expe- 
dient of the Amazons who were expert at the bow : — waiter at 
the city-tavern— good story of his — nothing to the pm-pose — 
never mind — fill up my book like Carr — make it eell; Saw a 
democrat get into the stage followed by his dog.§ N.B, This 
town remarkable for dogs and democrats— superfine isentiment i| 
—good story from Joe Miller— ode to a piggin of butter— pen- 
sive meditations on a mouse-hole— make a book as clear as a 
whistle ! 



* vide Carr's learned derivation of gee and whoa. 
t Moore. X Carr. § Moore. || Carr. 



SALMAGUNDI gj 



NO. V.-SATURDAY, MARCH T, ISOT. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The following letter of my friend Mustapha appears to have 
been written some time subsequent to the one already pub- 
lished. Were I to judge from its contents, I should suppose it 
was suggested by the splendid review of the twenty-fifth of 
last November; when a pair of colours was presented at the 
City-Hall, to the regiments of artillery ; and when a huge din- 
ner was devoured, by our corporation, in the honourable re- 
membrance of the evacuation of this city. I am happy to find 
that the laudable spirit of military emulation which prevails 
in our city has attracted the attention of a stranger of Musta- 
pha's sagacity; by military emulation I mean that spirited 
rivalry in the size of a hat, the length of a feather, and the 
gingerbread finery of a sword belt. 

LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ABDALLAH EB'N AL RAHAB, SURNAMED THE SNORER, MILI- 
TARY SENTINEL AT THE GATE OF HIS HIGHNESS' PALACE. 

Thou hast heard, oh Abdallah, of the great magician, Muley 
Fuz, who could change a blooming land, blessed with all the 
elysian charms of hill and dale, of glade and grove, of fruit 
and flower, into a desert, frightful, soUtary, and forlorn;— 
who with the wave of his wand could transform even the dis- 
ciples of Mahomet into grinning apes and chattering monkeys. 
Surely, thought I to myself this morning, the dreadful Muley 
has been exercising his infernal enchantments on these un- 
happy infidels. Listen, oh Abdallah, and wonder ! Last night 
I committed myself to tranquil slumber, encompassed with all 
the monotonous tokens of peace, and this morning I awoke 
enveloped in the noise, the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts 



5^ SALMAOUNDL 

of war. Every thing was changed as if by magic. An im- 
mense army had sprung up, Hke mushrooms, in a night ; and 
all the cobblers, tailors, and tinkers of the city had mounted 
the nodding plume ; had become, in the twinkling of an ey^, 
helmetted heroes and war-worn veterans. 

Alarmed at the beating of drums, the braying of trumpets, 
and the shouting of the multitude, I dressed myself in haste, 
sallied forth, and followed a prodigious crowd of people to a 
place called the battery. This is so denominated, I am told, 
from having once been defended with formidable wooden bul- 
warks which in the course of a hard winter were thriftily 
pulled to pieces by an economic corporation, to be distributed 
for fire-wood among the poor; this was done at the hint of a 
cunning old engineer, who assured them it was the only way 
in which their fortifications would ever be able to keep up a 
warm fire. Economic, my friend, is the watch-word of this 
nation ; I have been studjdng for a month past to divine its 
meaning, but truly am as much perplexed as ever. It is a 
kind of national starvation ; an experiment how many com- 
forts and necessaries the body politic can be deprived of before 
it perishes. It has already arrived to a lamentable degree of 
debility, and promises to share the fate of the Arabian philo- 
sopher, who proved that he could live without food, but un- 
fortunately died just as he had brought his experiment to 
perfection. 

On arriving at the battery, I found an immense army of six 
HUNDRED MEN, drawn up in a true Mussulman crescent. At 
first I supposed this was in compliment to myself, but my 
interpreter informed me that it was done merely for want of 
room ; the corporation not being able to afford them sufficient 
to display in a straight line. As I expected a display of some 
grand evolutions, and military manoeuvres, I determined to 
remain a tranquil spectator, in hopes tha,t I might possibly 
collect some hints which might be of service to his highness. 

This great body of men I perceived was under the command 
of a small bashaiv, in yellow and gold, with white nodding 
plumes, and most formidable whiskers ; which, contrary to the 
Tripolitan fashion, were in the neighbourhood of his ears 
instead of his nose. He had two attendants called aid-de- 
camps, (or tails) being similar to a bashaw with two tails. 
The bashaw, though commander-in-chief, seemed to have little 
more to do than myself ; he was a spectator within the fines 
and I without : he was clear of the rabble and I was encom- 



SALMAGUNDI. 53 

passed by them; this was the only difference between us, 
except that he had the best opportunity of showing his clothes. 
I waited an hour or two with exemplary patience, expecting 
to see some grand mihtary evolutions or a sham battle ex- 
hibited; but no such thing took place; the men stood stock 
still, supporting their arms, groaning under the fatigues of 
war, and now and then sending out a foraging pai:ty to levy 
contributions of beer and a favourite beverage which they 
denominate grog. As I perceived the crowd very active in 
examining the line, from one extreme to the other, and as I 
could see no other purpose for which these sunshine warriors 
should be exposed so long to the merciless attacks of wind and 
weather, I of course concluded that this must be the j^evieiv. 

In about two hours the army was put in motion, and 
marched through some narrow streets, where the economic 
corporation had carefully provided a soft carpet of mud, to a 
magnificent castle of painted brick, decorated with grand 
pillars of pine boards. By the ardor which brightened in each 
countenance, I soon perceived that this castle was to undergo 
a vigorous attack. As the ordnance of the castle was perfectly 
silent, and as they had nothing but a straight street to advance 
through, they made their approaches with great courage and 
admirable regularity, until within about a hundred feet of the 
castle a pump opposed a formidable obstacle in their way, and 
put the whole army to a nonplus. The circumstance Avas sud- 
den and urilooked for ; the commanding officer ran over all the 
military tactics with which his head was crammed, but none 
offered any expedient for the present awful emergency. The 
pump maintained its post, and so did the commander; there 
was no knowing which was most at a stand. The command- 
ing officer ordered his men to wheel and take it in flank ;— the 
army accordingly wheeled and came full butt against it in the 
rear, exactly as they were before.— ''Wheel to the left!" cried 
the officer; they did so, and again as before the inveterate 
pump intercepted their progress. "Eight about face!" cried 
the officer ; the men obeyed, but bungled ; — they faced hack to 
hack. Upon this the bashaw with two tails, with great cool- 
ness, undauntedly ordered his men to push right forward, 
pell-mell, pump or no pump ; they gallantly obeyed ; after un- 
heard-of acts of braver}^ the pump was carried, without the 
loss of a man, and the army firmly entrenched itself under the 
very walls of the castle. The bashaw had then a coimcil of 
war with his officers; the most vigorous measures were re- 



54 SALMAGtrNDi. 

solved on. An advance guard of musicians were ordered to 
attack the cas le without mercy. Then the whole band opened 
a most tremendous battery of di-ums, fifes, tambourines, and 
trumpets, and kept up a thundering assault, as if the castle, 
like the walls of Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish chronicles, 
would tumble down at the blowing of rams' horns. After 
some time a parley ensued. The grand bashaw of the city 
appeared on the battlements of the castle, and as far as I could 
understand from circumstances, dared the little bashaw of two 
tails to single combat ; — this thou knowest was in the style of 
ancient chivalry;— the little bashaw dismounted with great 
intrepidity, and ascended the battlements of the castle, where 
the great bashaw waited to receive him, attended by numerous 
dignitaries and worthies of his court, one of whom bore the 
splendid banners of the castle. The battle was carried on 
entirely by words, according to the universal custom of this 
country, of which I shall speak to thee more fully hereafter. 
The grand bashaw made a furious attack- in a speech of con- 
siderable length; the httle bashaw, by no means appalled, 
retorted with great spirit. The grand bashaw attempted to 
rip him up with an argument, or stun him with a solid fact 
but the little bashaw parried them both with admirable adroit- 
ness, and run him clean through and through with a syllogism. 
The grand bashaw was overthrown, the banners of the castle 
yielded up to the little bashaw, and the castle surrendered 
after a vigorous defence of three hours, — during which the 
besieger suffered great extremity from muddy streets and a 
drizzling atmosphere. 

On returning to dinner I soon discovered that as usual I had 
been indulging in a great mistake. The matter was all clearly 
explained to me by a fellow lodger, who on ordinary occasions 
moves in the humble character of a tailor, but in the present 
instance figured in a high military station denominated coi^- 
poral. He informed me that what I had mistaken for a castle 
was the splendid palace of the municipality, and that the sup- 
posed attack was nothing more than the delivery of a flag 
given by the authorities, to the amiy, for its magnanimous de- 
fence of the town for upwards of twenty years past, that is, 
ever since the last war. Oh ! my friend, surely every thing in 

this country is on a great scale ! the conversation insensibly 

turned upon the military establishment of the nation ; and I do 
assure thee that my friend, the tailor, though being, according 
to a national proverb, but the ninth part of a man, yet acquit- 



SALMAGUNDI. 55 

ted himself on military concerns as ably as the grand bashaw 
of the empire himself. He observed that their rulers had de- 
cided that wars were very useless and expensive, and ill befit- 
ting an economic, philosophic nation ; they had therefore made 
up their minds never to have any wars, and consequently 
there was no need of soldiers or military discipline. As, how- 
ever, it was thought highly ornamental to a city to have a 
number of men drest in fine clothes and feathers, strutting 
about the streets on a hohday — and as the women and children 
were particularly fond of such raree shows, it was ordered that 
the tailors of the different cities throughout the empire should, 
forthwith, go to work, and cut out and manufacture soldiers, 
as fast as their shears and needles would permit. 

These soldiers have no pecuniary pay ; and their only recom- 
pense for the immense services which they render their coun- 
try, in their voluntary parades, is the plunder of smiles, and 
winks, and nods which they extort from the ladies. As they 
have no opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making in- 
roads on their neighbors; and as it is necessary to keep up 
their mihtary spirit, the town is therefore now and then, but 
particularly on two days of the year, given up to their ravages. 
The arrangements are contrived with admirable address, so 
that every officer, from the bashaw down to the drum-major, 
the chief of the eunuchs, or musicians, shall have his share of 
that invaluable booty, the admiration of the fair. As to the 
soldiers, poor annuals, they, like the privates in all great ar- 
mies, have to bear the brimt of danger and fatigue, while their 
officers receive all the glory and reward. The narrative of a 
parade day will exemphfy this more clearly. 

The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his authority, orders a 
grand review of the whole army at two o'clock. The bashaw 
with two tails, that he may have an opportunity of vapouring 
about as greatest man on the field, orders the army to assemble 
at twelve. The kiaya, or colonel, as he is called, that is, com- 
mander of one hundred and twenty men, orders his regiment 
or tribe to collect one mile at least from the place of parade at 
eleven. Each captain, or fag-rag as we term them, commands 
his squad to meet at ten at least a half mile from the regimen- 
tal parade ; and to close all, the chief of the eunuchs orders his 
infernal concert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and kettle-drums 
to assemble at ten! from that moment the city receives no 
quarter. All is noise, hooting, hubbub, and combustion. Every 
window, door, crack, and loop-hole, from the garret to the 



56 SALMAGUNDI. 

cellar, is crowded with the fascinating fair of all ages and of 
all complexions. The mistress smiles through the windows of 
the drawing-room ; the chubby chambermaid lolls out of the 
attic casement, and a host of sooty wenches roll their white 
eyes and grin and chatter from the cellar door. Every nymph 
seems anxious to yield voluntarily that tribute which the 
heroes of their country demand. First struts the chief eu- 
nuch, or drum-major, at the head of his sable band, magnifi 
cently arrayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander himself could 
not have spurned the earth more superbly. A host of ragged 
boys shout in his train, and inflate the bosom of the warrior 
with tenfold self-complacency. After he has rattled his kettle- 
drums through the town, and swelled and swaggered like a 
turkey-cock before all the dingy Floras, and Dinahs, and Ju- 
noes, and Didoes of his acquaintance, he repairs to his place of 
destination loaded with a rich booty of smiles and approbation. 
Next comes the Fag-ra.g, or captain, at the head of his mighty 
band, consisting of one lieutenant, one ensign, or mute, four 
sergeants, four corporals, one drummer, one fifer, and if he 
has any privates, so much the better for himself. In march- 
ing to the regimental parade he is sure to paddle through the 
street or lane which is honoured ^vith the residence of his mis- 
tress or intended, whom he resolutely lays under a heavy con- 
tribution. Truly it is delectable to behold these heroes, as they 
march along, cast side glances at the upper windows ; to col- 
lect the smiles, the nods, and the winks, which the enraptured 
fair ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous defenders of 
their country. 

The Fag-rags having conducted their squads to their respec- 
tive regiments, then comes the turn of the colonel, a bashaw 
with no tails, for all eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag- 
rags, and the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, having had 
their hour of notoriety, are confound and lost in the military 
crowd. The colonel sets his whole regiment in motion ; and, 
mounted on a mettlesome charger, frisks and fidgets, and 
capers, and plunges in front, to the great entertaimnent of the 
multitude and the great hazard of himself and his neighbours. 
Having displayed himself, his trappings, his horse, and his 
horsemanship, he at length arrives at the place of general 
rendezvous ; blessed with the universal admiration of his coun 
try -women. I should perhaps mention a squadron of hardy 
veterans, most of whom have seen a deal of service diu'ing the 
nineteen or twenty years of their existence, and who, most 



. SALMAGUNDI ^f 

gorgeously equipped in tight green jackets and breeches, trot 
and amble, and gallop and scamper hke little devils through 
every street and nook and corner and poke-hole of the city, to 
the great dread of all old people and sage matrons with young 
children. This is truly sublime ! this is what I call making a 
mountain out of a mole-hill. Oh, my friend, on what a great 
scale is every thing in this country. It is in the style of the 
wandering Arabs of the desert El-tih. Is a village to be at- 
tacked, or a hamlet to' be plundered, the whole desert, for 
weeks beforehand, is in a buzz ; — such marching and counter- 
marching, ere they can concentrate their ragged force ! and the 
consequence is, that before they can bring their troops into 
action, the whole enterprise is blowm. 

The army being all happily collected on the battery, though, 
perhaps, two houi*s after the time appointed, it is now the turn 
of the bashaw, with two tails, to distinguish himself. Ambi- 
tion, my friend, is implanted alike in every heart ; it pervades 
each bosom, from the bashaw to the drum-major. This is a 
sage truism, and I trust, therefore, it will not be disputed. 
The bashaw, fired with that thii'st for glory, inseparable from 
the noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share of the laurels of 
the day and bear off his portion of female plunder. The drums 
beat, the fifes whistle, the standards wave proudly in the air. 
The signal is given ! thunder roars the cannon ! away goes the 
bashaw, and away go the tails! The review finished, evolu- 
tions and military manoeuvres are generally dispensed with for 
three excellent reasons; first, because the army knows very 
little about them ; second, because as the country has deter- 
mined to remain always at peace, there is no necessity for 
them to know any thing about them ; and third, as it is grow- 
ing late, the bashaw must despatch, or it will be too dark 
for him to get his quota of the plunder. He of course orders 
the whole army to march: and now, my friend, now come 
the tug of war, now is the city completely sacked. Open fly 
the battery-gates, forth sallies the bashaw with his two tails, 
surrounded by a shouting body-guard of boys and negroes! 
then pour forth his legions, potent as the pismires of the 
desert ! the customary salutations of the comitry commence — 
those tokens of joy and admiration which so much annoyed 
me on first landing : the air is darkened with old hats, shoes, 
and dead cats ; they fly in showers like the arrows of the Par- 
thians. The soldiers, no ways disheartened, like the intrepid 
followers of Leonidas, march gallantly under their shade. On 



58 SALMAGUNDI , 

they push splash dash, mud or no mud. Down one lane, up 
another; the martial music resounds tlii'ough every street; 
the fair ones throng to their windows, — the soldiers look 
every way but straight forward. "Carry arms," cries the 
bashaw — "tanta ra-ra," brays the trumpet — "rub-a-dub," 
foars the drum — "hurraw," shout the ragamuffins. The 
bashaw smiles with exultation — every fag-rag feels himself a 
hero — "none but the brave deserve the fair!" head of the im- 
mortal Amrou, on what a great scale is every thing in this 
country. 

Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that the officers should 
share all the sports while the privates undergo all the fatigue? 
truly, my friend, I indulged the same idea, and pitied from 
my heart the poor fellows who had to drabble through the 
mud and the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, which 
seemed as unwieldy and cumbrous as the shell which the snail 
lumbers along on his back. I soon found out, however, that 
they have their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army 
is dismissed, the city swarms with littte scouting parties, who 
fire off their guns at every corner, to he great delight of all the 
women and children in their vicinity ; and wo unto any dog, 
or pig, or hog, that falls in the way of these magnanimous war- 
riors ; they are shown no quarter. Every gentle swain repairs 
to pass the evening at the feet of his dulcinea, to play ' ' the 
soldier tired of war's alarms, " and to captivate her with the 
glare of his regimentals ; excepting some ambitious heroes who 
strut to the theatre, flame away in the front boxes, and hector 
every old apple-woman in the lobbies. 

Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this nation, and 
its faculty of swelling up nothings into importance. Our 
bashaw of Tripoli will review his troops, of some thousands, 
by an early hour in the morning. Here a review of six hun- 
dred men is made the mighty work of a day ! with us a bashaw 
of two tails is never appointed to a command of less than ten 
thousand men; but here we behold every grade, from the 
bashaw down to the drum-major, in a force of less than one- 
tenth of the number. By the beard of Mahomet, but every 
thing here is indeed on a great scale ! 



^ALMAQUNDl 59 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

I WAS not a little surprised the other morning at a request 
from Will Wizard that I would accompany him that evening 

to Mrs. 's ball. The request was simple enough in itself, it 

was only singular as coming from Will ; — of all my acquaint- 
ance Wizard is the least calculated and disposed for the society 
of ladies — not that he dislikes their company ; on the contrary, 
like every man of pith and marrow, he is a professed admirer 
of the sex ; and had he been born a poet, would undoubtedly 
have bespattered and be-rhymed some hard-named goddess, 
until she became as famous as Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's 
Sacharissa ; but Will is such a confounded bungler at a bow, 
has" so many odd bachelor habits, and finds it so troublesome 
to be gallant, that he generally prefers smoking his segar and 
telling his story among cronies of his own gender : — and thun- 
dering long stories they are, let me tell you ; — set Will once a 
going about China or Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and 
heaven help the poor victim who has to endure his prolixity ; 
he might better be tied to the tail of a jack-o'-lantern. In one 
word — WiU talks like a traveller. • Being well acquainted with 
liis character, I was the more alarmed at his inchnation to 
visit a party ; since he has often assured me, that he considered 
it as equivalent to being stuck up for three hours in a steam- 
engine. I even wondered how he had received an invitation ; — 
this he soon accounted for. It seems WiU, on his last arrival 
from Canton, had made a present of a case of tea to a lady for 
whom he had once entertained a sneaking kindness when at 
grammar school ; and she in return had invited him to come 
and drink some of it ; a cheap way enough of paying off little 
obligations. I readily acceded to Will's proposition, expecting 
much entertainment from his eccentric remarks; and as he 
has been absent some few yeai'S, I anticipated his surprise at 
the splendour and elegance of a modern rout. 

On calling for WiU in the evening, I found him full dressed, 
waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute dismay. 
As he still retained a spark of regard for the lady who once 
reigned in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in 
decorating his person, and broke upon my sight arrayed in the 
the true style that prevailed among our beaux some years 
ago. His hair was turned up and tufted at the top, frizzled 



g^ SALMAGUNDI. 

out at the ears, a profusion of powder puffed over the whole, 
and a long plaited club swung gi-acefully from shoulder to 
shoulder, describing a pleasing semicircle of powder and poma- 
tum. His claret-coloured coat was decorated with a profusion 
of gilt buttons, and reached to his calves. His white casimere 
small-clothes were so tight that he seemed to have grown up 
in them ; and his ponderous legs, which are the thickest part 
of his body, were beautifully clothed in sky-blue silk stock- 
ings, once considered so becoming. But above all, he prided 
hunself upon his waistcoat of China silk, which might almost 
have served a good housewife for a shortgown; and he 
boasted that the roses and tulips upon it were the work of 
Nang Fou, daughter of the great Chin-Chin-Fou, who had 
fallen in love with the graces of his person, and sent it to him 
as a parting present ; he assured me she was a remarkable 
beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, and a foot no larger 
than the thumb of an alderman;— he then dilated most 
copiously on his silver-sprigged dickey, which he assured me 
was quite the rage among the dashing young mandarins of 
Canton. 

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man out of conceit 
with himself ; so, though I would willingly have made a little 
alteration in my friend Wizard's picturesque costume, yet I 
politely complimented him on his rakish appearance. 

On entering the room I kept a good look-out on Will, ex- 
pecting to see him exhibit signs of surprise ; but he is one of 
those knowing fellows who are never surprised at any thing, 
or at least will never acknowledge it. He took his stand in 
the middle of the floor, playing with his great steel watch- 
chain ; and looking around on the company, the furniture, and 

the pictures, with the air of a man " who had seen d d finer 

things in his time ;" and to my utter confusion and dismay, I 
saw him coolly pull out his villainous old japanned tobacco- 
box, ornamented with a bottle, a pipe, and a scurvy motto, 
and help himself to a quid in face of all the company. 

I knew it was all in vain to find fault with a fellow of Will's 
socratic turn, who is never to be put out of humour with him- 
self ; so, after he had given his box its prescriptive rap and 
returned it to his pocket, I drew him into a corner where he 
might observe the company without being prominent objects 
ourselves. 

"And pray who is that stylish figure," said Will, "who 
blazes away in red, like a volcano, and who seems wrapped in 



SALMAGUNDI. 61 

flames like a fiery dragon?"— That, cried I, is Miss Laurelia 
DASHiiWAY; — she is the highest flash of the ton— has much 
whim and more eccentricity, and has reduced many an un- 
happy gentleman to stupidity by her charms; you see she 
holds out the red flag in token of "no quarter." "Then keep 
me safe out of the sphere of her attractions, " cried Will. "I 
would not e'en come in contact with her train, lest it should 

scorch me like the tail of a comet. But who, I beg of you, 

is that amiable youth who is handing along a young lady, and 
at the same contemplating his sweet person in a mirror, as he 
passes?" His name, said I, is Billy Dimple;— he is a univer- 
sal smiler, and would travel from Dan to Beersheba and smile 
on every body as he passed. Dimple is a slave to the ladies — 
a hero at tea-parties, and is famous at the pirouet and the 
pigeon-wing ; a fiddle-stick is his idol, and a dance his elysium, 
" A very pretty young gentleman, truly," cried Wizard; " he 
reminds me of a cotemporary beau at Hayti. You must know 
that the magnanimous Dessalines gave a great ball to his ccui-t 
one fine sultry summer's evening ; Dessy and me were great 
cronies; — hand and glove:— one of the most condescending 
great men I ever knew. Such a display of black and yellow 
beauties! such a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red beads, 
cock's-tails and peacock's feathers! — it was, as here, who 
should wear the highest top-knot, drag the longest tails, or 
exhibit the greatest variety of combs, colours and gew-gaws. 
In the middle of the rout, when all was buzz, slip-shod, clack, 
and perfume, who should enter but Tucky Squash! The 
yellow beauties blushed blue, and the black ones blushed as 
red as they could, ^vith pleasure ; and there was a universal 
agitation of fans ; every eye brightened and whitened to see 
Tucky ; for he was the pride cf the court, the pink of courtesy, 
the mirror of fashion, the adoration of all the sable fair ones 
of Hayti. Such breadth of nose, such exuberance of lip ! his 
shins had the true cucumber curve ; his face in dancing shone 
hke a kettle ; and, provided you kept to windward of him in 
summer, I do not known a sweeter youth in all Hayti than 
Tucky Squash. When he laughed, there appeared from ear 
to ear a chevaux-de-frize of teeth, that rivalled the shark's in 
whiteness; he could whistle like a north-wester; play on a 
three-stringed fiddle IfKe Apollo ; and as to dancing, no Long- 
Island negro could shuffle you " double-trouble," or "hoe corn 
and dig potatoes" more scientifically :— in short, he was a 
second Lothario. And the dusky nymphs of Hayti, one and 



62 8ALMA0UNDL 

all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky walked about, 
whistling to himself, without regarding any body; and his 
fwnchalance was irresistible." 

I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his travel' 
lers' stories ; and there is no knowing how far he would have 
run his parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had 
not the music struck up, from an adjoining apartment, and 
summoned the company to the dance. The sound seemed to 
have an inspiring effect on honest Will, and he procured the 
hand of an old acquaintance for a country dance. It hap- 
pened to be the fashionable one of "the Devil among the 
tailors," which is so vociferously demanded at every ball and 
assembly : and many a torn gown, and many an unfortunate 
toe did rue the dancing of that night; for Will, thundering 
down the dance like a coach and six, sometimes right, some- 
wrong; now running over half a score of little Frenchmen, 
and now making sad inroads into ladies' cobweb muslins and 
spangled tails. As every part of Will's body partook of the 
exertion, he shook from his capacious head such volumes of 
powder, that like pious Eneas on the first interview with 
Queen Dido, he might be said to have been enveloped in a 
cloud. Nor was Will's partner an insignificant figure in the 
scene ; she was a young lady of most voluminous proportions, 
that quivered at every skip; and being braced up in the 
fashionable style with whalebone, stay -tape, and buckram, 
looked like an apple-pudding tied in the middle ; or, taking her 
flaming dress into consideration, hke a bed and bolsters rolled 
up in a suit of red curtains. The dance finished — I would 
gladly have taken Will off, but no ; — he was now in one of his 
happy moods, and there was no doing any thing with him. 
He insisted on my introducing him to Miss Sophy Sparkle, 
a young lady unrivalled for playful wit and innocent vivacity, 
and who, like a brilliant, adds lustre to the front of fashion. 
I accordingly presented him to her, and began a conversation 
in which, I thought, he might take a share; but no such 
thing. Will took his stand before her, straddling like a 
Colossus, with his hands in his pockets, and an air of the most 
profound attention; nor did he pretend to open his lips for 
some time, until, upon some Hvely sally of hers, he electrified 
the whole company with a most intolerable burst of laughter. 
What was to be done with such an incorrigible fellow? — to 
add to my distress, the first word he spoke was to tell. Miss 
Sparkle that sonxething she said reminded him of a circum- 



j!Pfcance that happwhod to him in China; — and at it he went, in 
the true traveller style— described the Chinese mode of eating 
rice with chop-sticks;- -entered into a long eulogium on the 
succulent qualities of boiled bird's nests; and I made my 
escape at the very moment when he was on the point of 
squatting down on the floor, to show how the little Chines© 
Joshes sit cross-legged. 



TO THE LADIES. 



PROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Though jogging down the hill of life, 
Without the comfort of a wife ; 
And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, 
To stock my house and mend my hose ; 
With care my person to adorn, 
And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; — 
Still do I love the gentle sex. 
And still with cares my brain perplex 
To keep the fair ones of the age 
Unsullied as the spotless page*; 
All pure, all simple, all refined, 
The sweetest solace of mankind. 

I hate the loose, insidious jest 
To beauty's modest ear addrest. 
And hold that frowns should never fail 
To check each smooth, but fulsome tale ; 
But he whose impious pen should dare 
Invade the morals of the fair; 
To taint that purity divine 
Which should each female heart enshrine ; 
Though soft his vicious strains should, swell. 
As those which erst from Gabriel fell. 
Should yet be held aloft to shame, 
And foul dishonour shade his name. 
Judge, then, my friends, of my surprise, 
The ire that kindled in my eyes, 
When I relate, that t'other day 
I went a morning-caU to pay, 



64 SALMAOrrNDI. 

On two young nieces : just come down 

To take the polish of the town. 

By which I mean no more or less 

Than a la Francaise to undress ; 

To whirl the modest waltz' rounds, 

Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds. 

To thump and thunder through a song, 

Play fortes soft and dolce's strong ; 

Exhibit loud piano feats, 

Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz i 

To drive the rose-bloom from the face, 

And fix the lily in its place ; 

To doff the white, and in its stead 

To bounce about in brazen red. 

While in the parlour I delay 'd. 
Till they their persons had array'd, 
A dapper volume caught jnj eye, 
That on the window chanced to he : 
A book's a friend — I always choose 
To turn its pages and peruse : — 
It proved those poems known to fame 
For praising every cyprian dame ; — 
The bantlings of a dapper youth, 
Renown'd for gratitude and truth : 
A little pest, hight Tommy Moore, 
Who hopp'd and skipp'd our country o'er? 
Who sipp'd our tea and lived on sops, 
Eevell'd on syllabubs and slops, 
And when his brain, of cobweb fine, 
Was fuddled with five drops of wine, 
Would all his puny loves rehearse. 
And many a maid debauch — in versCo 
Surprised to meet in open view, 
A book of such lascivious hue, 
I chid my nieces — but they say, 
'Tis all the passion of the day ; — 
That many a fashionable belle 
Will with enraptured accents dwell 
On the sweet morceau she has found 
In this delicious, curst, compound ! 

Soft do the tinkling numbers roll. 
And lure to vice the unthinking soul ; ^ 



SALMAGUNDI. (55 

They tempt by softest sounds away, 
They lead entranced the heart astray ; 
And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing, 
As with a seraph's heavenly string. 
Such sounds, so good, old Homer sung, 
Once warbled from the Syren's tongue ;— 
Sweet melting tones wei'e heard to pour 
Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; 
Seductive strains in eether float, 
And every wild deceitful note 
That could the yielding heart assail, 
Were wafted on the breathing gale ; — 
And every gentle accent bland 
To tempt Ulysses to their strand. 
And can it be this book so base, 
Is laid on every window-case? 
Oh ! fair ones, if you will profane 
Those breasts wj^ere heaven itself should reign' 
And throw those pure recesses wide, 
Where peace and virtue should reside 
To let the holy pile admit 
A guest unhallowed and unfit ; 
Pray, Uke the frail ones of the night, 
Who hide their wanderings from the light, 
So let your errors secret be, , 

And hide, at least, your fault from me : 
Seek some by corner to explore 
The smooth, polluted pages o'er. 
There drink the insidious poison in. 
There slyly nurse your souls for sin : 
And while that purity you blight 
Which stamps you messengers of light, 
And sap those mounds the gods bestow^ 
To keep you spotless here below ; 
Still in compassion to our race, 
Who joy, not only in the face, 
But in that more exalted part. 
The sacred temple of the heart ; 
Oh ! hide for ever from our view, 
The fatal mischief you pursue : — 
Let MEN your praises still exalt. 
And none but angels mourn your fault. 



QQ SALMAGUNDI, 



NO. VI.-FRIDAY MARCH 20, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The Cockloft family, of which I have made such frequent 
mention, is of great antiquity, if there be any truth in the 
genealogical tree which hangs up in my cousin's hbrary. They 
trace their descent from a celebrated Roman knight, cousin to 
the progenitor of his majesty of Britain, who left his native 
country on occasion of some disgust ; and coming into Wales 
became a great favourite of prince Madoc, and accompanied 
that famous argonaut in the voyage which ended in the dis- 
covery of this continent. Though a member of the family, I 
have sometimes ventured to doubt the authenticity of this por- 
tion of their annals, to the great vexation of cousin Christopher : 
who is looked up to as the head of our house ; and who, though 
as orthodox as a bishop, would sooner give up the whole deca- 
logue than lop off a single limb of the family tree. From time 
immemorial, it has been the rule for the Cocklofts to marry 
one of their own name ; and as they always bred like rabbits, 
the family has increased and multiplied like that of Adam and 
Eve. In truth, their number is almost incredible ; and you can 
hardly _ go into any part of the country without starting 
a warren of genuine Cocklofts. Every person of the least 
observation or experience must have observed that where 
this practice of marrying cousins and second cousins pre- 
vails in a family, every member in the course of a few gen- 
erations becomes queer, humourous, and original ; as much dis- 
tinguished from the common race of mongrels as if he was 
of a different species. This has happened in our family, 
and particularly in that branch of it of which Mr. Christopher 
Cockloft, or, to do him justice, Mr. Christopher Cockloft, Esq., 
is the head. Christopher is, in fact, the only married man of 
the name who resides in town ; his family is small, having lost 



^jiLMAGUNDI. 67 

most of his children when young, by the excessive care he took 
to bring them up like vegetables. This .was one of his first 
whim-whams, and a confounded one it was, as his children 
might have told, had they not fallen victims to this expeiiment 
before they could talk. He had got from some quack philoso- 
pher or other a notion that there was a complete analogy be- 
tween children and plants, and that they ought to be both 
reared ahke. Accordingly, he sprinkled them every morning 
with water, laid them out in the sun, as he did his geraniums ; 
and if the season was remarkably dry, repeated this wise ex- 
periment three or four times of a morning. The consequence 
was, the poor Uttle souls died one after the other, except Jer- 
emy and his two sisters, who, to be sure, are a trio of as odd, 
runty, mummy-looking originals as ever Hogarth fancied in 
his most happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger if not the 
better half of my cousin, often remonstrated against this vege- 
table theory; and even brought the parson of the parish in 
which my cousin's country house is situated to her aid, but in 
vain: Christopher persisted, and attributed the failure of his 
plan to its not having been exactly conformed to. As I have 
mentioned Mrs. Cockloft, I may as weU say a little more about 
her while I am in the humour. She is a lady of wonderful no- 
tability, a warm admirer of sliining mahogany, clean hearths, 
and her husband ; who she considers the wisest man in the 
world, bating Will Wizard and the parson of our parish ; the 
last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. She goes constant- 
ly to church every Sunday and Saints-day ; and insists upon it 
that no man is entitled to ascend a pulpit unless he has been 
ordained by a bishop ; nay, so far does she carry her orthodoxy, 
that all the argiunent in the world will never persuade her that 
a Presbyterian or Baptist, or even a Calvinist, has any possible 
chance of going to heaven. Above every thing else, however, 
she abhors paganism. Can scarcely refrain from laying vio- 
lent hands on a pantheon when she meets with it ; and was 
very nigh going into hysterics when my cousin insisted one of 
his boys should be christened after our laureate : because the 
parson of the parish had told her that Pindar was the name 
of a pagan writer, famous for his love of boxing matches, 
wrestling, and horse-racing. To sum up all her qualifications 
in the shortest possible way, Mrs. Cockloft is, in the true sense 
of the phrase, a good sort of woman ; and I often congratulate 
my cousin on possessing her. The rest of the family consists 
of Jeremy Cockloft the younger, who has already been men- 



68 SALMAGUNDI. 

tioned, and the two Miss Cocklofts, or rather the young ladies, 
as they have been called by the servants, thne out of mind ; not 
that they are really young, the younger being somewhat on the 
shady side of thirty, but it has ever been the custom to call 
every member of the family young under fifty. In the south- 
east comer of the house, I hold quiet possession of an old- 
fashioned apartment, where myself and my elbow-chair are 
suffered to amuse ourselves undisturbed, save at meal times. 
This apartment old Cockloft has facetiously denominated 
cousin Launce's paradise ; and the good old gentleman has two 
or three favourite jokes about it, which are served up as reg- 
ularly as the standing family dish of beef-steaks and onions, 
which every day maintains its station at the foot of the table, 
in defiance of mutton," poultry, or even venison itself. 

Though the family is apparently small, yet, like most old es- 
tablishments of the kind, it does not want for honorary mem- 
bers. It is the city rendezvous of the Cocklofts ; and we are 
continually enlivened by the company of half a score of uncles, 
aunts, and cousins, in the fortieth remove, from all parts of 
the country, who profess a wonderful regard for cousin Chris- 
topher, and overwhelm every member of his household, down 
to the cook in the kitchen, with their attentions. We have for 
three weeks past been greeted with the company of two worthy 
old spinsters, who came down from the country to settle a law- 
suit. They have done little else but retail stories of their vil- 
lage neighbours, knit stockings, and take snuff all the time they 
have been here ; the whole family are bewildered with church- 
yard tales of sheeted ghosts, white horses without heads and 
with large goggle eyes in their buttocks ; and not one of the 
old servants dare budge an inch after dark without a numerous 
company at his heels. My cousin's visitors, however, always 
return his hospitahty with due gratitude, and now and then re- 
mind him of their fraternal regard by a present of a pot of 
apple-sweetmeats or a barrel of sour cider at Christmas. Jere- 
my displays himself to great advantage among his country re- 
lations, who all think him a prodigy, and often stand astound- 
ed, in "gaping wonderment," at his natural philosophy. He 
lately frightened a simple old uncle almost out of his wits, 
by giving it as his opinion that the earth would one day be 
scorched to ashes by the eccentric gambols of the famous 
comet, so much talked of; and positively asserted that this 
world revolved round the sun, and that the moon was certain- 
ly inhabited. 



SALMAGUNDI. gg 

The family mansion bears equal marks of antiquity with its 
inhabitants. As the Cocklofts are remarkable for their attach- 
ment to every thing that has remained long in the family, they 
are bigoted towards theii- old edifice, and I dare say would 
sooner have it crumble about their ears than abandon it. The 
consequence is^ it has been so patched up and repaired, that it 
has become as full of whims and oddities as its tenants ; re= 
quires to be nursed and hmnoured like a gouty old codger of 
an alderman, and reminds one of the famous ship in which a 
certain admiral circumnavigated the globe, which was so 
patched and timbered, in order to preserve so great a curi- 
osity, that at length not a particle of the original remained. 
Whenever the wind blows, the old mansion makes a most 
perilous groaning ; and every storm is sure to make a day's 
work for the carpenter, who attends upon it as regularly as the 
family physician. This predilection for every thing that has 
been long in the family shows itself in every particular. The 
domestics are all grown gray in the service of our house. We 
have a little, old, crusty, grey-headed negro, who has hved 
through two or three generations of the Cocklofts; and, of 
course, has become a personage of no little importance in the 
household. He calls all the family by their Christian names ; 
tells long stories about how he dandled them on his knee when 
they were children ; and is a complete Cockloft chronicle for 
the last seventy years. The family carriage was made in the 
last French war, and the old horses were most indubitably 
foaled in Noah's ark : resembling marvellously, in gravity of 
demeanour, those sober animals which may be seen any day 
of the year in the streets of Philadelphia, walking their snail's 
pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously jingling their beUs. 
Whim- whams are the inheritance of the Cocklofts, and every 
member of the household is a humourist sui generis, from the 
master down to the footman. The very cats and dogs are hu- 
mourists ; and we have a little, runty scoundrel of a cur, who, 
whenever the church-bells ring, will run to the street-door, 
turn up his nose in the wind, and howl most piteously. Jere- 
my insists that this is owing to a peculiar delicacy in the or- 
ganization of his ears, and supports his position by many 
learned arguments which nobody can understand ; but I am of 
opinion that it is a mere Cockloft whim-wham, which the little 
cur indulges, being descended from a race of dogs which has 
flourished in the family ever since the time of my grandfather. 
A propensity to save every thing that bears the stamp of fam- 



70 SALMAGUNDI. 

ily antiquity, has accumulated an abundance of trumpery and 
rubbish with which the house is encumbered from the cellar to 
the garret ; and every room and closet, and corner is crammed 
with three-legged chairs, clocks without hands, swords without 
scabbards, cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and looking- 
glasses with frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered 
sheep, woolly birds, and other animals that have no name save 
in books of heraldry. The ponderous mahogany chairs in the 
parlour are of such unwieldy proportions that it is quite a seri- 
ous imdertaking to gallant one of them across the room ; and 
sometimes make a most equivocal noise when you set down in 
a hurry; the mantel-piece is decorated with little lacquered 
earthern shepherdesses : some of which are without toes, and 
others without noses ; and the fire-place is garnished out with 
Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great variety of scripture pieces, which 
my good old soul of a cousin takes infinite delight in explain- 
ing. — Poor Jeremy hates them as he does poison; for while a 
yonker, he was obliged by his mother to learn the history of a 
tile every Sunday morning before she would permit him to 
join his playmates ; this was a terrible affair for Jeremy, who, 
by the time he had learned the last had forgotten the first, and 
was obliged to begin again. He assured me the other day, with 
a round college oath, that if the old house stood out till he in- 
herited it, he would have these tiles taken out and ground into 
powder, for the perfect hatred he bore them. 

My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited authority in the 
mansion ot his forefathers ; he is truly what may be termed 
a hearty old blade, has a florid, sunshine countenance ; and if 
you will only praise his wine, and laugh at his long stories, 
himself and his house are heartily at your service.— The first 
condition is indeed easily complied with, for, to tell the truth, 
his wine is excellent ; but his stories, being not of the best, and 
often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn ; being, 
in addition to their other qualities, most unreasonably long. 
His prolixity is the more afflicting to me, since I have all his 
stories by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me 
of Newark causeway, where the traveller sees the end at the 
distance of several miles. To the great misfortune of all his 
acquaintance, cousin Cockloft is blest with a most provoking- 
ly retentive memory ; and can give day and date, and name 
and age and circumstance, with the most unfeeling preci- 
sion. These, however, are but trivial foibles, forgotten, or 
remembered, only with a kind of tender, respectful pity, by 



SALAfAGUNBL 71 

those who know with what a rich redundant harvest of kind- 
ness and generosity his heart is stored. It would dehght you 
to see with what social gladness he welcomes a visitor into his 
house; and the poorest man that enters his door never leaves 
it without a cordial invitation to sit down and drink a glass of 
wine. By the honest farmers round his country-seat, he is 
looked up to with love and reverence ; they never pass him by 
without his inciuiring after the welfare of their families, and 
receiving a cordial shake of his hberal hand. There are but 
two classes of people who are thrown out of the reach of his 
hospitality, and these are Frenchmen and democrats. The old 
gentleman considers it treason against the majesty of good 
breeding to speak to any visitor with his hat on ; but, the mo- 
ment a democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids his man 
Pompey bring his hat, puts it on his head, and salutes him 
with an appalling "well, sir, what do you want with me?" 

He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly be- 
Heves, that they eat nothing but frogs and soup-maigre in 
their own country. This unluckly prejudice is partly owing 
to my great aunt, Pamela, having been many years ago, run 
away with by a French Count, who turned out to be the son 
of a generation of barbers ; — and partly to a httle vivid spark 
of toryism, which burns in a secret corner of his heart. He 
was a loyal subject of the crown, has hardly yet recovered the 
shock of independence ; and, though he does not care to own 
it, always does honour to his majesty's birth-day, by inviting 
a few cavaliers, like himself, to dinner ; and gracing his table 
with more than ordinary festivity. If by chance the revolu- 
tion is mentioned before him, my cousin shakes his head ; and 
you may see, if you take good note, a lurking smile of con- 
tempt in the corner of his eye, which marks a decided disap- 
probation of the sound. He once, in the fulness of his heart, 
observed to me that green peas were a month later than they 
were under the old government. But the most eccentric mani- 
festation of loyalty he ever gave, was making a voyage to Hali- 
fax for no other icason under heaven but to hear his Majesty 
prayed for in church, is he used to be here formerly. This he 
never could, be brought fairly to acknowledge; but ii. is a cer- 
tain fact, I assure you. It is not a little singular th.'t a per- 
son, so much given to long story-telling as my cousin, should 
take a hking to another of the same character ; but so it is 
with the old gentleman : — his prime favourite and companion 
is Will Wizard, who is almost a member of the family ; and 



7g SALMAGUNDI. 

will sit before the fire, with his feet on the massy andirons, 
and smoke his segar, and screw his phiz, and spin away tre- 
mendous long stories of his travels, for a whole evening, to the 
great delight of the old gentleman and lady ; and especially of 
the young ladies, who, like Desdemona, do "seriously incline," 
and listen to him with innumerable "O dears," "is it possi- 
bles," "goody graciouses," and look upon him as a second Sin- 
bad the sailor. 

The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave for not having 
particularly introduced them before, are a pair of delectable 
damsels ; who, having purloined and locked up the family-Bible, 
pass for just what age they please to plead guilty to. Bar- 
bara, the eldest, has long since resigned the character of a 
belle, and adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuff -taking air be- 
coming her years and discretion. She is a good-natured soul, 
whom I never saw in a passion but once ; and that was occa- 
sioned by seeing an old favorite beau of hers, kiss the hand 
of a pretty blooming girl ; and, in truth, she only got angry 
because, as she very properly said, it was spoiling the child. 
Her sister Margery, or Maggie, as she is familiarly termed, 
seemed disposed to maintain her post as a belle, until a few 
months since; when accidently hearing a gentleman observe 
that she broke very fast, she suddenly left off going to the as- 
sembly, took a cat into high favour, and began to rail at the 
forward pertness of young misses. From that moment I set 
her down for an old maid; and so she is, "by the hand of my 
body." The young ladies are still visited by some half dozen 
of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished in the haut ton, 
when the Miss Cocklofts were quite children ; but have been 
brushed rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the 
truth, can do almost any thing but make people young. They 
are, notwithstanding, still warm candidates for female favour ; 
look venerably tender, and repeat over and over the same 
honeyed speeches and sugared sentiments to the little belles 
that they poured so profusely into the ears of their mothers. 
I beg leave here to give notice, that by this sketch, I mean no 
reflection on old bachelors; on the contrary, I hold that 
next to a fine lady, the ne phis ultra, an old bachelor to be the 
most charming being upon earth ; in as much as by living in 
"single blessedness," he of course does just as he pleases; and 
if he has any genius, must acquire a plentiful stock of whims, 
and oddities, and whalebone habits ; without which I esteem a 
man to be mere beef without mustard ; good for nothing at all, 



SALMAGUNDI. 73 

but to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and 
act the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in 
the streets. I merely speak of these old boys who infest pub- 
lic walks, pounce upon ladies from every corner of the street, 
and worry and frisk and amble, and caper before, behind, and 
round about the fashionable belles, hke old ponies in a pasture, 
striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity, 
by grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have some- 
times seen one of these "reverend youths'' endeavoring to ele- 
vate his wintry passions into something like love, by basking 
in the sunshine of beauty; and it did remind me of an old 
moth attempting to fly through a pane of glass towards a 
light, without ever approaching near enough to warm itself, 
or scorch its wings. 

Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went 
more by tangents than the Cocklofts. Every thing is gov- 
erned by whim ; and if one member starts a new freak, away 
all the rest follow on like wild geese in a string. As the 
family, the servants, the horses, cats, and dogs, have all grown 
old together, they have accommodated themselves to each 
other's habits completely ; and though every body of them is 
full of odd points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet, 
some how or other, they harmonize together like so many 
straight lines ; and it is truly a grateful and refreshing sight 
to see them agree so well. Should one, however, get out of 
tune, it is like a cracked fiddle : the whole concert is ajar ; you 
perceive a cloud over every brow in the house, and even the 
old chairs seem to creak affetuosso. If my cousin, as he is 
rather apt to do, betray any symptoms of vexation or uneasi- 
ness, no matter about what, he is worried to death with in- 
quiries, which answer no other end but to demonstrate the 
good-will of the inquirer, and put him in a passion : for every 
body knows how provoking it is to be cut short in a fit of the 
blues, by an impertinent question about "what is the matter?" 
when a man can't tell himself. I remember a few months ago 
the old gentleman came home in quite a squall ; kicked poor 
Caesar, the mastiff, out of his way, as he came through the 
hall ; threw his hat on the table with most violent emphasis, 
and pulling out his box, took three huge pinches of snuff, and 
threw a fourth into the cat's eyes as he sat purring his aston- 
ishment by the fire-side. This was enough to set the body 
politic going; Mrs. Cockloft began "my dearing" it as fast 
as tongue could move; the young ladies took each a stand 



74 SALMAGUNDI. 

at aii elbow of his chair; — Jeremy marshalled in rear; — the 
servants came tumbling in ; the mastiff put up an inquiring 
nose ; — and even grimalkin, after he had cleaned his whiskers 
and finished sneezing, discovered indubitable signs of sym- 
pathy. After the most affectionate inquiries on all sides, it 
turned out that my cousin, in crossing the street, had got his 
silk stockings bespattered wdth mud by a coach, which it seems 
belonged to a dashing gentleman who had formerly suppHed 
the family with hot rolls and muffins 1 Mrs. Cockloft there- 
upon timied up her eyes, and the young ladies their noses; 
and it would have edified a whole congregation to hear the 
conversation which took place concerning the insolence of up- 
starts, and the vulgarity of would-be gentlemen and ladies, 
who strive to emerge from low life by dashing about in car- 
riages to pay a visit two doors of ; giving parties to people who 
laugh at them, and cutting all their old friends. 



THEATRICS. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre accompanied by 
my friend Snivers, the cockney, who is a man deeply read in 
the history of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, 
and all those recondite works so necessary to enable a man to 
understand the modern drama. Snivers is one of those in- 
tolerable feUows who will never be pleased with any thing 
until he has turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it cor- 
responds with his notions of congruity ; and as he is none of 
the quickest in his ratiocinations, he will sometimes come out 
with his approbation, when every body else has forgotten the 
cause which excited it. Snivers is, moreover, a great critic, 
for he finds fault with every thing; this being what I under- 
stand by modem criticism. He, however, is pleased to ac- 
knowledge that our theatre is not so despicable, all things con- 
sidered ; and really thinks Cooper one of our best actors. The 
play was Othello, and to speak my mind freely, I think I 
have seen it performed much worse in my time. The actors, I 
firmly believe, did their best ; and whenever this is the case 
uo man has a right to find fault with them, in my opinion. 



SALMAGUNDI. ^^ 

Little Rutherford, the Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, 
looked as big as possible ; and what he wanted in size he made 
up in frowning. I like frowning in tragedy : and if a man bin 
keeps his forehead in proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long 
strides on the stage, I always set him down as a gi-eat trage- 
dian ; and so does my friend Snivei-s. 

Before the first act was over, Snivers began to flourish his 
critical wooden sword like a harlequin. He first found fault 
with Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro ; 
"for," said he, "that Othello was an arrant black, appears 
from several expressions of the play ; as, for instance, ' thick 
Ups,' ' sooty bosom,' and a variety of others. I am inclined to 
think," continued he, "that Othello was an Egyptian by birth, 
from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother 
by a native of that country ; and, if so, he certainly was as 
black as my hat : for Herodotus has told us, that the Egyptians 
had flat noses and frizzled haii*; a clear proof that they were 
all negroes." He did not confine his strictures to this single 
error of the actor, but went on to run him down in toto. In 
this he was seconded by a red hot Philadelphian, who proved, 
by a string of most eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was un- 
questionably in every respect a better actor than Cooper. I 
knew it was vain to contend with them, since I recollected a 
most obstinate trial of skill these two great Roscii had last 
spring in Phfladelphia. Cooper brandished his blood-stained 
dagger at the theatre— Fennel flourished his snuff-box and 
shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Philadel- 
"ohians were a long time at a loss to decide which deserved the 
palm. The literati were inclined to give it to Cooper, because 
his name was the most fruitful in puns, but then, on the other 
side, it was contended that Fennel was the best Greek scholar. 
Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hub-bub 
about the courteous stranger's nose ; and it was well that the 
doctors of the university did not get into the dispute, else it 
might have become a battle of folios. At length, after much 
excellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse 
was had to Cocker's arithmetic and a carpenter's rule; the 
rival candidates were both measured by one of their most 
steady-handed critics, and by the most exact measurement it 
was proved that Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by three 
inches and a quarter. Since this demonstration of his inferior- 
ity, Cooper has never been able to hold up his head in Phila 
delphia. 



76 SALMAGUNDI. 

In order to change a conversation in which my favourite 
suffered so much, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian, 
concerning the two heroes of his theatre, Wood and Cain ; but 
I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack ! he threvv^ 
a whole handful of puns in my face; 'twas hke a bowl of cold 
watei'. I turned on my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, 
and said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more, 
if I can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Phila- 
delphian. Would that they coidd leave off punning ! for I love 
every soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their 
own generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality. 

Durmg the performance, I kept an eye on the countenance 
of my friend, the cockney ; because having come all the way 
from England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which 
he made from rhe button manufactory to Lunnun, I thought 
his phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my 
manifestations of applause or disapprobation. I might as well 
have looked at the back -side of his head ; for I could not, with 
all my peering, perceive by his featui^es that he was pleased 
with any thing -except himself. His hat was twitched a little 
on one side, as much as to say, " demme, I'm your sorts!" He 
was sucking the end of a little stick ; he was a ' ' gemman" from 
head to foot ; but as to his face, there was no more expression 
in it than in the face of a Chinese lady on a teacup. On 
Cooper's giving one of his gunpowder explosions of passion, I 
exclaimed, "fine, very fine!" "Pardon me," said my friend 
Snivers, "this is damnable !— the gesture, my dear sir, only 
look at the gesture ! how horrible ! do you not observe that the 
actor slaps his forehead, whereas, the passion not having ar- 
rived at the proper height, he should only have slapped his— 
pocket-flap? — this figure of rhetoric is a most important stage 
trick, and the proper management of it is what peculiarly dis- 
tinguishes the great actor from the mere plodding mechanical 
buffoon. Different degrees of passion require different slaps, 
which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, improving 
upon the principle adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding 
that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine ; as thus — the 
actor, for a minor burst of passion merely slaps his pocket-hole ; 
good I— for a major burst, he slaps his breast ; — very good !— 
but for a burst maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, like 
a brave fellow ; — this is excellent !— nothing can be finer than an 
exit slapping the forehead from one end of the stage to the 
other." " Except," replied I, "one of those slaps on the breast, 



SALMAGUNDI. 77 

which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat heroes and 
heroines, which make their whole body shake and quiver Hke 
a pyramid of jelly." 

The Philadelphian had listened to this conversation with pro- 
found attention, and appeared delighted with Snivers' mechan- 
ical strictures; 'twas natural- enough in a man who chose an 
actor as he would a grenadier. He took the opportunity of a 
pause, to enter into a long conversation with my friend ; and 
was receiving a prodirious fund of information concerning the 
true mode of emphasising conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuff- 
ing candles, and making thunder and lightnmg, better tlian you 
can get every day from the sky, as practised at the royal thea- 
tres ; when, as ill luck would have it, they happened to run 
their heads full butt against a new reading. Now this was "a 
stumper," as our friend Paddle would say; for the Philadel- 
phians are as iuveterate new-reading hunters as the cockneys ; 
and, for aught I know, as well skilled in finding them out. The 
PhUadelphian thereupon met the cockney on his own ground ; 
and at it they went, like two inveterate curs at a bone. Snivers 
quoted Theobald, Hanmer, and a host of learned commenta- 
tors, who have pinned themselves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's 
immortality, and made the old bard, like General Washington, 
in General Washington's life, a most diminutive figure in his 
own book ;— his opponent chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, 
and thundered him forward like an elephant to bear down the 
ranks of the enemy. I was not long in discovering that these two 
precious judges had got hold of that unlucky passage of Shaks- 
peare which, like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and con- 
founded many a somniferous buzzard of past and present time. 
It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that heaven had 
made her such a man as Othello.— Snivers insisted, that " the 
gentle Desdemona" merely wished for such a man for a hus- 
band, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, and 
very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a 
predilection for fiat noses; like a certain philosophical great 
man of our day. The Philadelphian contended with all the ve- 
hemence of a member of congress, moving the house to have 
*' whereas," or " also," or "nevertheless," struck out of a bill, 
that the young lady wished heaven had made her a man in- 
stead of a woman, in order that she might have an opportunity 
of seeing the "anthropophagi, and the men whose heads do 
grow beneath their shoulders;" which was a very natural 
wish, considering the curiosity of the sex. On being referred 



78 BALMAOUNbl 

to, I incontinently decided in favour of the honourable member 
who spoke last ; inasmuch as I think it was a very foolish, and 
therefore very natural, wish for a young lady to make before 
a man she wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication 
of the violent inclination she felt to wear the breeches, which 
was afterwards, in all probability, gratified, if we may judge 
from the title of ' ' our captain's captain, " given her by Cassio, 
a phrase which, in my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at 
that time, most ignominiously hen-pecked. I believe my argu- 
ment staggered Snivers himself, for he looked confoundedly 
queer, and said not another word on the subject. 

A little while after, at it he went again on another tack ; 
and began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dyin^r;. " it 
was not natural," he said, for it had lately been demonstrated, 
by a learned doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally 
stabbed, he ought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and 
drop down "dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's basket."— 
Whenever a man, in the predicament above mentioned, de- 
parted from this fundamental rule, by falling flat down, like a 
log, and rolling about for two or three minutes, making 
speeches all the time, the said learned doctor maintained that 
it was owing to the waywardness of the human mind, which 
delighted in flying in the face of nature, and dying in defiance 
of all her established rules.— T replied, "for my part, I held 
that every man had a right of dying in whatever position he 
pleased ; and that the mode of doing it depended altogether on 
the peculiar character of the person going to die. A Persian 
could not die in peace unless he had his face turned to the east ; 
— a Mahometan would always choose to have his towards 
Mecca; a Frenchman might prefer this mode of throwing a 
somerset; but Mynheer Van Brumblebottom, the Roscius of 
Rotterdam, always chose to thunder down on his seat of 
honour whenever he received a mortal wound. — Being a man 
of ponderous dimensions, this had a most electrifying effect, 
for the whole theatre "shook like Olympus at the nod of 
Jove." The Philadelphian was immediately inspired with a 
pun, and swore that Mynheer must be great in a dying scene, 
since he knew how to make the most of his latter end. 

It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an actor does 
not perform the character naturally, if, by chance, he happens 
not to die exactly as they would have him. I think the exhi- 
bition of a play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I wish, 
with all my heart, they would go there and see one : nature is 



SALMAGUNDI. 



79 



there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in every tri- 
fling particular. Here an unhappy lady or gentleman, who 
happens unluckily to be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the 
stage to writhe and groan, and make faces at the audience, 
until the poet pleases they should die; while the honest folks 
of the dramatis personce, bless their hearts ! all crowd round 
and yield most potent assistance, by crying and lamenting 
most vociferously ! the audience, tender souls, pull out their 
white pocket handkerchiefs, wipe their eyes, blow their noses, 
and swear it is natural as hfe, while the poor actor is left to 
die without common Clnistian comfort. In China, on the con- 
trary, the first thing they do is to run for the doctor and 
tchodUd, or notary. The audience are entertained throughout 
the fifth act with a learned consultation of physicians, and if 
the patient must die, he does it secundum artem, and always is 
aUowed time to make his will. The celebrated Chow-Chow 
was the completest hand I ever saw at kilhng himself; he al- 
ways carried under his robe a bladder of bull's blood, which, 
when he gave the mortal stab, spirted out, to the infinite de- 
hght of the audience. Not that the ladies of China are more 
fond of the sight of blood than those of our own country ; on 
the contrary, they are remarkably sensitive in this particular; 
and we are told by the great Linkum Fidelius, that the beauti- 
ful Ninny Consequa, one of the ladies of the emperor's serag- 
lio, once fainted away on seeing a favourite slave's nose bleed ; 
since which time refinement has been carried to such a pitch,' 
that a buskined hero is not allowed to run himself through the 
body in the face of the audience. —The immortal Chow-Chow, 
in conformity to this absurd prejudice, whenever he plays the 
part of Othello, which is reckoned his master-piece, always 
keeps a bold front, stabs himself slily behind, and is dead 
before any body suspects that he has given the mortal blow. 

P.S. Just as this was going to press, I was informed by 
Evergreen that Othello had not been performed here the Lord 
knows when; no matter, I am not the first that has criticised 
a play without seeing it, and this critique wiU answer for the 
last performance, if that was a dozen years ago. 



80 SALMAGUNDI, 



NO. VII.-SATUKDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KAHN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would fur- 
nish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the govern- 
ment by which I ana held in durance. — Though my inquiries 
for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly 
satisfied with their results; for thou mayest easily imagine 
that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of 
illusion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must 
be limited indeed. I find that the people of this country are 
strangely at a loss to determine the nature and proper char- 
acter of their government. Even their dervises are extremely 
in the dark as to this particular, and are continually indulging 
in the most preposterous disquisitions on the subject: some 
have insisted that it savours of an aristocracy ; others main- 
tain that it is a pure democracy ; and a third set of theorists 
declare absolutely that it is nothing more nor less than a 
mobocracy. The latter, I must confess, though still wide in 
error, have come nearest to the truth. You of course must 
understand the meaning of these different words, as they 
are derived from the ancient Greek language, and bespeak 
loudly the verbal poverty of these poor infidels, who cannot 
utter a learned phrase without laying the dead languages 
under contribution. A man, my dear Asem, who talks good 
sense in his native tongue, is held in tolerable estimation in this 
country ; but a fool who clothes his feeble ideas in a foreign or 
antique garb, is bowed down to as a literary prodigy. While 
I conversed with these people in plain English, I was but little 
attended to ; but the moment I prosed away in Greek, every 
one looked up to me with veneration as an oracle. 



SALMAGUNDI. 81 

Although the dervises differ widely in the particidars above 
mentioned, yet they all agree in terming their government one 
of the most pacific in the known world. I cannot help pitying 
their ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what ridicu- 
lous errors those nations will wander who are unenlightened 
by the precepts of Mahomet, our divine prophet, and unin- 
structed by the five hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom 
of the immortal Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call tliis nation 
pacific ! most preposterous ! it reminds me of the title assumed 
by the sheik of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that deso- 
late the valleys of Belsaden, who styles hunself star of cour- 
tesy—beam OF THE mercy-seat! 

The simple truth of the matter is, that these people are 
totally ignorant of their own true character ; for, according to 
the best of my observation, they are the most warlike, and, I 
must say, the most savage nation that I have as yet discovered 
among all the barbarians. They are not only at war, in their 
own way, with almost every nation on earth, but they are at 
the same time engaged in the most complicated knot of civil 
wars that ever infested any poor unhappy country on which 
Allah has denounced his malediction ! 

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these 
people themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated 
LOGOCRACY, Or government of words. The whole nation does 
every thing viva voce, or by word of mouth; and in this 
manner is one of the most military nations in existence. Every 
man who has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a 
plentiful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright ; and is 
forever in a militant state. The country is entirely defended 
vi et lingua; that is to say, by force of tongues. The account 
which I lately wrote to our friend, the snorer, respecting the 
immense army of six hundred men, makes nothing against 
this observation; that formidable body being kept up, as I 
have already observed, only to amuse their fair country- 
women by their splendid appearance and nodding plumes ; and 
are by way of distinction, denominated the "defenders of the 
fair." 

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion 
for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offen- 
sive or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and 
paper war ; he who has the longest ton^ ,ue or readiest quill, is 
sure to gain the victory,— will carry horror, abuse, and ink- 
shed into the very trenches of the enemy ; and, without mercy 



02 6ALMAGUXDL 

or remorse, put men, women, and childi-en to the point of the — 

pen! 

There is still preseiTed in this comitry some remains of that 
gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which so much annoyed the 
faithful in the middle ages of the hegu-a. As, notwithstanding 
then' mai'tial disposition, they are a people much given to 
commerce and agricultm-e, and must, necessai'ily, at certain 
seasons be engaged in these employments, they have accommo- 
dated themselves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, 
incessant brawlers, similar to those who. in former ages, swore 
eternal enmity to the followers of our divuie prophet. — These 
knights, denominated editors or slang-whaxgers, are ap- 
pointed in every town, village, and district, to carry on both 
foreign and internal warfare, and may be said to keep up a 
constant fii'ing "in words." Oh, my friend, could you but 
witness the enormities sometimes committed by these tremen- 
dous slang- whangers. yom^ very turban would rise with horror 
and astonishment. I have seen them extend their ravages even 
into the kitchens of their opponents, and a n ri ih ilate the very 
cook with a blast ; and I do assure thee. I beheld one of these 
warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, and at one stroke of 
his pen lay him open from the waistband of his breeches to his 
chin I 

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence 
for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy among the 
higher classes, to dethrone his highness the present bashaw, 
and place another in his stead. I was mistaken when I for- 
merly asserted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his 
wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held 
that colour in great detestation, in consequence of a dispute 
they had some twenty yeai^ since with the barbarians of the 
British islands. The coloiu-. however, is again rising into 
favour, as the ladies have transferred it to their heads from the 

bashaw's body. The true reason, I am told, is, that the 

bashaw absolutely refuses to beUeve in the deluge, and in the 
story of Balaam's ass :— maintaining that this animal was never 
yet permitted to talk except in a genuine logocracy: where, 
it is true, his voice may often be heard, and is hstened to with 
reverence, as ' ' the voice of the sovereign people. '' Nay, so far 
did he carry his obstinacy, that he absolutely invited a pro- 
fessed antediluvian from the Galhc empire, who Illu min ated 

the whole country with his principles and his nose. This 

was enough to set the nation in a blaze ; — every slang- whangei 



SALMAGUNDI 83 

resorted to his tongue or his pen ; and for seven years have 
they carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of 
words have been expended, oceans of ink have been shed; 
nor has any mercy been shown to age. sex, or condition. Every 
day have these slang- whangers made furious attacks on each 
other, and upon their respective adherents : discharging their 
^eavy artillery, consisting of large sheets loaded with scound 
x-el ! villain \ har ! rascal I numbskull : nincompoop : dimderhead ! 
wiseacre I blockhead ! jackass 1 and I do swear, by my beard, 
though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me. that in some of 
these skirmislies the grand bashaw himself has been wofully 
pelted! yea, most ignominiously pelted !— and yet have these 
talking desperadoes escaped without the bastinado I 

Every now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer 
head, or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his 
piece and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelleti at the 
head of the emperor of France, the king of England, or. wouldst 
thou beheve it, oh! Asem. even at his sublime hig-hness the 
bashaw of TripoU ! these long pieces are loaded with single ball 
or language, as tyrant! usurper! robber! tiger! monster! and 
thou ma vest well suppose they occasion great distress and dis- 
may in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoy- 
ing to the crowned heads at which they are directed. Tlie slang- 
whanger. though perhaps the mere champion of a village, having 
fired off his shot, strtits about with great seli-congratidation, 
chuckling at the prodigious bustle he must have occasioned, 
and seems to ask of every stranger, "well. sir. what do they 
think of me in Europe?"* This is sufficient to show you the 
manner in which these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight : 
it is the only mode allowable in a logocracy or government of 



NOTE. BY WILLIAM WIZARD. ESQ. 

* The sage Mustapha. when he wrote the above paragraph, had probably in his 
eye the following anecdote; related either by Linkum Fidelius. or Josephus Miller- 
ius. vulgarly called Joe stiller, of facetious memory. 

The captain of a slave- vessel, on his first landing on the coast of Guinea, observed, 
under a palm-tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically on a stump: while two 
■women, with wooden spoons, were administering his favourite pottage of boiled 
rice; which, as his imperial majesty was a little greedy, would part of it escape the 
place of destination and run d^wn hi^ chin. The watchful attendants were partic- 
ularly careful to intercept these scapegrace particles, and return them to their 
proper port of entry. As the captain approached, in order to admire this curious 
exhibition of royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his 
visitor with the following pompous question, " well, sir! what do th«y say of me in 
England?" 



84 SALMAGUJVDl 

words. I would also observe that their civil wars have a 
thousand ramifications. 

While the fury of the battle rages in the metropolis, every 
little town and village has a distinct broil, growing hke excres- 
cences out of the grand national altercation, or rather agitating 
within it, like those complicated pieces of mechanism where 
there is a " wheel within a wheel." 

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government 
more evident than in its grand national divan, or congress, 
where the laws are framed; this is a blustering, windy 
assembly, where everything is carried by noise, tumult and 
debate ; for thou must know, that the members of this assem 
bly do not meet together to find wisdom in the multitude of 
counsellors, but to wrangle, call each other hard names, and 
hear themselves talk. When the congress opens, the bashaw 
first sends them a long message, i.e., a huge mass of words — 
vox et pi^eterea nihil, all meaning nothing ; because it only tells 
them what they perfectly know already. Then the whole 
assembly are thrown into a ferment, and have a long talk 
about the quantity of words that are to be returned in answer 
to this message ; and here arises many disputes about the cor- 
rection of "if so he's," and "how so ever's." A month, per- 
haps, is spent in thus determining the precise number of words 
the answer shall contain ; and then another, most probably, in 
concluding whether it shall be carried to the bashaw on foot, 
on horseback, or in coaches. Having settled this weighty 
matter, they next fall to work upon the message itself, and 
hold as much chattering over it as so many magpies over an 
addled q^^. This done they divide the message into small 
portions, and deliver them into the hands of little juntoes of 
talkers, called committees: these juntoes have each a world cl 
talking about their respective paragraphs, and return the 
results to the grand divan, which forthwith falls to and retalks 
the matter over more earnestly than ever. Now, after all, it is 
an even chance that the subject of this prodigious arguing, 
quarrelling, and talking, is an affair of no importance, and 
ends entirely in smoke. May it not then be said, the whole 
nation have been talking to no purpose? The people, in fact, 
seem to be somewhat oonscious of this propensity to talk, by 
which they are characterized, and have a favourite proverb on 
the subject, viz. : "all talk and no cider;" this is particularly 
applied when their congress, or assembly of all the sage 



salMaoundi. gg 

chatterers of the nation, have chattered through a whole 
session, in a time of great peril and momentous event, and 
have done nothing but exhibit the length of their tongues and 
the emptiness of their heads. This has been the case more 
than once, my friend; and to let thee into a secret, I have 
been told in confidence, that there have been absolutely several 
old women smuggled into congress from different parts of the 
empire ; who, having once got on the breeches, as thou mayest 
well imagine, have taken the lead in debate, and overwhelmed 
the whole assembly with their garrulity; for my part, as 
times go, I do not see why old women should not be as eligible 
to public councils as old men who possess their dispositions ;— 
they certainly are eminently possessed of the qualifications 
requisite to govern in a logocracy. 

Nothing, as I have rex^eatedly insisted, can be done in this 
country without talking ; but they take so long to talk over a 
measure, that by the tune they have determined upon adopt- 
ing it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carry- 
it into effect. Unhappy nation! — thus torn to pieces by in- 
testine talks ! never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquillity 
and silence. Words are but breath ; breath is but air ; and air 
put into motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire, there- 
fore, may be compared to nothing more or less than a mighty 
windmill, and the orators, and the chatterers, and the slang- 
whangers, are the breezes that put it in motion ; unluckily, 
however, th.Qj are apt to blow different ways, and their blasts 
counteracting each other— the mill is perplexed, the wheels 
stand still, the grist is unground, and the miller and his family 
starved. 

Every thing partakes of the windy nature of the govern- 
ment. In case of any domestic grievance, or an insult from a 
foreign foe, the people are all in a buzz ; — town-meetings are 
immediately held where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each 
hke an atlas, with the cares of the whole nation upon his 
shoulders, each resolutely bent upon saving his country, and 
each swelling and strutting like a turkey-cock ; puffed up with 
words, and wind, and nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, 
and bawling for some time ; and after each man has shown 
himself to be indubitably the greatest personage in the meeting, 
they pass a string of resolutions, i.e. words, which were pre- 
viously prepared for the purpose ; these resolutions, are whim- 
sically denominated the sense of the meeting, and ai-e sent off 



86 SALMAGUNDI. 

for the instruction of the reigning bashaw, who receives them 
graciously, puts them into his red breeches pocket, forgets to 
read them — and so the matter ends. 

As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is at the very- 
top of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better quahfied for 
his station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and com- 
parable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of 
vanquishing all opposition by the force of reason and philo- 
sophy ; throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and 
defies them to meet him— on the field of argument!— is the na- 
tional dignity insulted, a case in which his highness of Tripoli 

would immediately call forth his forces; the bashaw of 

America— utters a speech. Does a foreign invader molest the 
commerce in the very mouth of the harbours ; an insult which 
would induce his highness of Tripoli to order out his fleets ;— 
his highness of America — utters a speech. Are the free citizens 
of America dragged from on board the vessels of their country, 

and forcibly detained in the war ships of another power his 

highness — utters a speech. Is a peaceable citizen killed by the 
marauders of a foreign power, on the very shores of his coun- 
try his highness utters a speech. — Does an alarming in- 
surrection break out in a distant part of the empire his 

highness utters a speech ! — nay, more, for here he shows his 
" energies ;"— he most intrepidly despatches a courier on horse- 
back and orders him to ride one hundred and twenty miles a 
day, with a most formidable army of proclamations, i.e. a 
coUection of words, packed up in his saddle bags. He is in- 
structed to show no favour nor affection ; but to charge the 
thickest ranks of the enemy; and to specify and batter by 
words the conspiracy and the conspirators out of existence. 
Heavens, my friends, what a deal of blustering is here ! it re- 
minds me of a dunghill cock in a farm-yard, who, have accident- 
ally in his scratchmgs found a worm, immediately begins a 
most vociferous cackling; — calls around him his hen-hearted 
companions, who run chattering from all quarters to gobble up 
the poor little worm that happened to turn under his eye. Oh, 
Asem ! Asem ! on what a prodigious great scale is every thing 
in this country ! 

Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations 
have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may 
be distinguished from each other ;— the Spaniards, for instance* 
may be said to sleep upon every affair of importance;— the 
Italians to fiddle upon every thing;— the French to dance upon 



SALMAGUNDI. g^ 

every thing;— the Germans to smoke upon every thing;— the 
British islanders to eat upon every thing;— and the windy sub 
jects of the American logocracy to talk upon every thing. 

For ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How oft in musing mood my heart recalls, 
From grey-beard father Time's obhvious halls, 
The modes and maxims of my early day. 
Long in those dark recesses stow'd away : 
Drags once more to the cheerful realms of hght 
Those buckram fashions, long since lost in night, 
And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise 
My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! 

Shades of my fathers ! in your pasteboard skirts, 
Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts, 
Your formal bag- wigs— wide-extended cuffs, 
Your five-inch chitterlings and nine-inch ruffs ! 
Gods ! how ye strut, at times, in all your state, 
Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate ! 
I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er. 
The modest foot scarce rising from the floor; 
No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance, 
No pigeon-wing disturb your contre-danse. 
But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, 
Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! 

Still in my mental eye each dame appears — 
Each modest beauty of departed years ; 
Close by mamma I see her stately march 
Or sit, in all the majesty of starch ;— 
When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand, 
I see her doubting, hesitating, stand ; 
Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace, 
And sigh for her intended in his place ! 

Ah ! golden days ! when every gentle fair 
On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care 
Her holy Bible, or her prayer-book o'er. 
Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore; 
Travell'd with him the Pilgrim's Progress through. 
And storm'd the famous town of Man-soul too : 



88 SALMAGUNDI. 

Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar, 
And fought triumphant through the Holy War; 
Or if, perchance, to hghter works inchned, 
They sought with novels to relax the mind, 
'Twas Grandison's politely formal page 
Or Clelia or Pamela were the rage. 

No plays were then — theatrics were unknown— 
A learned pig —a dancing monkey shown — 
The feats of Punch — a cunning juggler's slight, 
Were sure to fill each bosom with dehght. 
An honest, simple, humdrum race we were, 
Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare 
Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile. 
We knew not then the modern monster style: 
Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, 
Puffs boys to manhood, little girls to belles. 

Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair 
Are yielded to the dancing-master's care ; 
And e'er the head one mite of sense can gain, 
Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. 
A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms, 
Our fair surrender to their very arms. 
And in the insidious waltz * will swim and twine 
And whirl and languish tenderly divine ! 



NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

* [Waltz\. As many of the retired matrons of this city, unskilled in " gestic 
lore," are doubtless ignorant of the movements and figures of this modest exhibi- 
tion, I will endeavour to give some account of it, in order that they may learn what 
odd capers their daughters sometimes cut when from under their guardian wings. 

On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the lady round her 
waist; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, very politely takes the gentle- 
man roimd the neck, with one arm resting against his shoulder to prevent en- 
croachments. Away then they go, about, and about, and about " about what, 

gir?" about the room, Madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this dance 

consists in turning round and round the room in a certain measured step: and it is 
truly astonishing that this continued revolution does not set all their heads swimming 
like a top; but I have been positively assured that it only occasions a gentle sensa- 
tion which is marvellously agreeable. In the course of this circumnavigation, the 
dancers, in order to give the charm of variety, are continually changing their rela- 
tive situations; now the gentleman, meaning no harm in the world. I assure you 

Madam, carelessly flings his arm about the lady's neck, with an air of celestial im 
pudence; and anon, the lady, meaning as little harm as the gentleman, takes him 
round the waist with most ingenious modest languishment, to the great delight of 
numerous spectators and amateurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do 
about a pair of amazons pulling caps, or a couple of fighting mastiffs. 

After continuing this divine interchange of hands, arms, et cetera, for half an 



SALMAGUNDI. 89 

Oh, how I hate this loving, hugging, dance ; 

This imp of Germany — brought up in France : 

Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, 

But all the honest blood glows lq my face. 

" Sad, sad refinement this," I often say, 

' ' 'Tis modesty indeed refined away ! 

" Let France its whim, its sparkhng wit supply, 

" The easy grace that captivates the eye; 

" But curse their waltz — their loose lascivious arts, 

" That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts!" 

Where now those books, from which in days of yore 

Our mothers gain'd their literary store? 

Alas ! stiff-skirted Grandison gives place 

To novels of a new and rakish race ; 

And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, 

To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore, 

And, last of all, behold the numic stage, 
Its morals lend to polish off the age, 



Lour or so, the lady begins to tire, and with " eyes upraised," in most bewitching 
languor petitions her partner for a little more support. This is always given with- 
out hesitation. The lady leans gently on his shoulder, their arms entwine in a 

thousand seducing, mischievous curves don't be alarmed, Madam closer and 

closer they approach each other, and in conclusion, the parties being overcome 
with ecstatic fatigue, the lady seems almost sinking into the gentleman's arms, and 

then "Well, Sir, and what then?" lord. Madam, how should I know! 

* My friend Pindar, and. in fact, our whole junto, has been accused of an un- 
reasonable hostility to rhe French nation : and I am informed by a Parisian corres- 
pondent, that our first number played the very devil in the court of St. Cloud. His 
imperial majesty got into a most outrageous passion, and being withal a waspish 
little gentleman, had nearly kicked his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of the cabinet, 
in the paroxysms of his w rath. He insisted upon it that the nation was assailed in 
its most vital part; being, like Achilles, extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the 
hev"l. When my correspondent sent off his despatches, it was still in doubt what 
measures would be adopted; but it was strongly suspected that vehement repre- 
sentations w^ould be made to our government. Willing, therefore, to save our exe- 
cutive from any embarrassment on the subject, and above all from the disagreeable 
alternative of sending an apology by the Hornet, we do assure Mr. Jefferson, that 
there is nothing further from our thoughts than the subversion of the Gallic empire, 
or any attack on the interests, tranquillit.y, or reputation of the nation at large, 
which we seriously declare possesses the highest rank in our estimation. Nothing 
less than the national welfare could have induced us to trouble ourselves with this 
explanation; and in the name of the junto, I once more declare, that when we toast 
a Frenchman, we merely mean one of these inconnus, who swarmed to this country, 
from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bordeaux, and Marseilles; played 
game of leap-frog at all our balls and assemblies;— set this unhappy town hopping 
mad;— and passed themselves off on our tender-hearted damsels for unfortunate 
noblemen— ruined in the revolution ! such only can wince at the lash, and accuse us 
of severity; and we should be mortified in the extreme if they did not feel our well- 
intended castigation. 



90 SALMAGUNDI. 

With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, 
Garnish'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald. 
With puns most puny, and a plenteous store 
Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. 
Or see, more fatal, graced with every art 
To charm and captivate the female heart, 
The false, " the gallant, gay Lothario," smiles,* 
And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles ; — 
In glowing colours paints Calista's wrongs. 
And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs, 
When Cooper lends his fascinating powers, 
Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers, 
Pleased with his manly grace, his youthful fire, 
Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; 
While humbler virtue, hke a stalking horse. 
Struts clumsily and croaks in honest Morse. 

Ah, hapless days ! when trials thus combined, 
In pleasing garb assail the female mind ; 
When every smooth insidious snare is spread 
To sap the morals and delude the head ! 
Not Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, 
To prove their faith and virtue here below. 
Could more an angel's helping hand require 
To guide their steps uninjured through the fire, 
Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied. 
The holy trio in the proof had died. 
If, then, their manly vigour sought supphes 
From the bright stranger in celestial guise, 
Alas ! can we from feebler nature's claim, 
To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame ; 
To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore. 
Though ANGEL MISSIONS blcss the earth no more ! 

* {Fair Penitent]. The story of this play, if told in its native language, would 
exhibit a scene of guilt and shame, which no modest ear could listen to without 
shrinking with disgust; but, arrayed as it is in all the splendour of harmonious, 
rich, and polished verse, it steals into the heart like some gay, luxurious, smooth- 
faced villain, and betrays it insensibly to immorality and vice; our very sympathy 
is enlisted on the side of guilt; and the piety of Altamont, and the gentleness of 
Lavinia, are lost in the splendid debaucheries of the "gallant, gay Lothario," and 
the blustering, hollow repentance of the fair Calisto, whose sorrow reminds us 
of that of Pope's Heloise— "I mourn the lover, not lament the fault." Nothing is 
more easy than to banish such plays from the stage. Were our ladies, instead of 
crowding to see them again and again repeated, to discourage their exhibition by 
absence, the stage would soon be indeed the school of morality, and the number of 
" Fair Penitents," in all probability, diminished. 



SALMAGUNDI 91 



NO. VIII.-SATURDAY, APRIL 18 1807. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

" In all thy humours, whether p^rave or mellow, 
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow; 
Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, 
There is no living with thee — nor without thee." 

"Never, in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, has there 
been known a more backward spring. " This is the universal 
remark among the almanac quidnuncs and weather-wisacres 
of the day ; and I have heard it at least fifty-five times from 
old Mrs. Cockloft, who, poor woman, is one of those walking 
almanacs that foretell every snow, rain, or frost, by the shoot- 
ing of corns, a pain in the bones, or an "ugly stitch in the 
side. " I do not recollect, in the whole course of my life, to 
have seen the month of March indulge in such untoward capers, 
caprices, and coquetries, as it has done this year : I might have 
forgiven these vagaries, had they not completely knocked up 
tny friend Langstaff , whose f eehngs are ever at the mercy of a 
weathercock, whose spirits sink and rise with the mercury of 
a barometer, and to whom an east wind is as obnoxious as a 
Sicilian sirocco. He was tempted some time since, by the fine- 
ness of the weather, to dress himself with more than ordinary 
care and take his morning stroll ; but before he had half fin- 
ished his peregrination, he was utterly discomfited, and driven 
home by a tremendous squall of wind, hail, rain, and snow ; 
or, as he testily termed it, "a most villainous congregation of 
vapors. " 

This was too much for the patience of friend Launcelot ; he 
declared he would honour the weather no longer in its whim- 
whams; and, according to his immemorial custom on these 
occasions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow-chair to lie in 
of the spleen and rail at nature for being so fantastical : — "con- 
found the jade," he frequently exclaims, " what a pity nature 



02 SALMAGUNDI. 

had not been of the masculine instead of the feminine gender; 
the almanac makers might then have calculated with some de- 
gree of certainty." 

When Langstaff invests himself with the spleen, and gives 
audience to the blue devils from his elbow-chair, I would not 
advise any of his friends to come within gunshot of his citadel 
with the benevolent purpose of administering consolation or 
amusement : for he is then as crusty and crabbed as that famous 
coiner of false money, Diogenes himself. Indeed, his room is 
at such times inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the only soul 
that can gain admission, or ask a question with impunity ; the 
truth is, that on these occasions, there is not a straw's differ- 
ence between them, for Pompey is as grum and grim and cyni- 
cal as his master. 

Launcelot has now been above three weeks in this desolate 
situation, and has therefore had but little to do in our last 
number. As he could not be prevailed on to give any account 
of himself in our introduction, I will take the opportunity of 
his confinement, while his back is turned, to give a slight 
sketch of his character;— fertile in whim- whams and bachelor- 
isms, but rich in many of the sterling qualities of our nature. 
Annexed to this article, our readers will perceive a striking 
likeness of my friend, which was taken by that cunning rogue 
Will Wizard, who peeped through the key-hole and sketched 
it off as honest Laimcelot sat by the fire, wrapped up in his 
flannel robe de chambre, and indulging in a mortal fit of the 
hyp. Now take my word for it, gentle reader, this is the most 
auspicious moment in which to touch off the phiz of a genuine 
humorist. 

Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can say but little ; 
except that I have no doubt it is equal to that of most lamilies 
who have the privilege of making their own pedigree, Avithout 
the impertinent interposition of a college of heralds. My 
friend Launcelot is not a man to blazon any tl ' ng ; but I have 
heard him talk with great complacency of 1 is ancestor, Sir 
Rowland, who was a dashing buck in the days of Hardiknute, 
and broke the head of a gigantic Dane, at a game of quarter- 
staff, in presence of the whole court. In memory of this gal- 
lant exploit, Sir Rowland was permitted to take the name of 
Langstoff e, and to assume, as a crest to his arms, a hand grasp- 
ing a cudgel. It is, however, a foible so ridiculously common 
in this country for people to claim consanguinity with aU the 
great personages of their own name in Europe, that I should 



SALMAGUNDI. 93 

put but little faith in this family boast of friend Langstaff, did 
I not know him to be a man of most unquestionable veracity. 

The whole world knows already that my friend is a bache- 
lor ; for he is, or pretends to be, exceedingly proud of his per- 
sonal independence, and takes care to make it known in all 
companies where strangers are present. He is forever vaunt- 
ing the precious state of "single blessedness;" and was not 
long ago considerably startled at a proposition of one of his 
great favourites, Miss Sophy Sparkle, "that old bachelors 
should be taxed as luxuries." Launcelot immediately hied 
him home, and wrote a tremendous long representation in 
their behalf, which I am resolved to publish if it is ever at- 
tempted to carry the measure into operation. Whether he is 
sincere in these professions, or whether his present situation 
is owing to choice or disappointment, he only can tell ; but if 
he ever does tell, I will suffer myself to be shot by the first 
lady's eye that can twang an arrow. In his youth he was 
for ever in love; but.it was his misfortune to be continually 
crossed and rivalled by his bosom friend and contemporary 
beau, Pindar Cockloft, Esq., for as Langstaff never made a 
confidant on these occasions, his friend never kncAv which way 
his affections pointed; and so, between them both, the lady 
generally slipped through their fingers. 

It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot that he could 
not for the soul of him restrain a good thing; and this fatality 
has drawn upon him the ill will of many whom he would 
not have offended for the world. With the kindest heart 
under heaven, and the most benevolent disposition toward 
every being around him, he has been continually betrayed by 
the mischievous vivacity of his fancy, and the good-hunioured 
waggery of his feelings, into satirical sallies which have been 
treasured up by the invidious, and retailed out with the bitter 
sneer of malevolence, instead of the playful hilarity of counte- 
nance which originally sweetened and tempered and disarmed 
them of their sting.— These misrepresentations have gained 
him many reproaches and lost him many a friend. 

This unlucky characteristic played the mischief with him in 
one of his love affairs. He was, as I have before observed, 
often opposed in his gaUantries by that formidable rival, Pin- 
dar Cockloft, Esq., and a most formidable rival he was; for he 
had Apollo, the nine muses, together with all the joint tenants 
of Olympus to back him; and every body knows what im- 
portant confederates they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot 



94 SALMAGUNDI. 

stood no chance ; — the lady was cooped up in the poet's corner 
of every weekly paper; and at length Pindar attacked her 
with a sonnet that took up a whole column, in which he enu- 
merated at least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with innu- 
merable others of inferior consideration. Launcelot saw his 
case was desperate, and that unless he sat down forthwith, be- 
churibimed and be-angeled her to the skies, and put every vir= 
tue under the sun in requisition, he might as well go hang 
himself and so make an end of the business. At it, therefore, 
he went, and was going on very swimmingly, for, in the space 
of a dozen lines he had enlisted under her command at least 
three score and ten substantial housekeeping virtues, when, 
unluckily for Launcelot's reputation as a poet and the lady's as 
a saint, one of those confounded good thoughts struck his 
laughter-loving brain ; — it was irresistible ; away he went full 
sweep before the wind, cutting and slashing and tickled to 
death with his own fun; the consequence was, that by the 
time he had finished, never was poor lady so most ludicrously 
lampooned since lampooning came into fashion. But this was 
not half ;— so hugely was Launcelot pleased with this frolic of 
his wits, that nothing would do but he must show it to the 
lady, who, as well she might, was mortally offended, and for- 
bid him her presence. My friend was in despair ; but through 
the interference of his generous rival, was permitted to make 
his apology, which, however, most unluckily happened to be 
rather worse than the original offence ; for though he had 
studied an eloquent comphment, yet, as ill-luck would have it, 
a most preposterous whim- wham knocked at his pericranium, 
and inspired him to say some consummate good things, which 
all put together amounted to a downright hoax, and provoked 
the lady's wrath to such a degree that sentence of eternal 
banishment was awarded against him. 

Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined, in the true 
style of novel heroics, to make the tour of Europe, and endea- 
vour to lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst the 
gayeties of France and the classic charms of Italy ; he accord- 
ingly took passage in a vessel and pursued his voyage prosper- 
ously as far as Sandy Hook, where he was seized with a violent 
fit of sea- sickness; at which he was so affronted that he put 
his portmanteau into the first pilot-boat and returned to town 
completely cured of his love and his rage for travelhng. ' 

I pass over the subsequent amours of my friend Langstaff, 
being but little acquainted with them; for, as I have already 



BALMAGUNBl. 95 

inentioned, he never was known to make a confidant of any 
body. He always affirmed a man must be a fool to fall in love, 
but an idiot to boast of it ; — ever denominated it the villainous 
passion ; — lamented that it could not be cudgelled out of the hu- 
man heart ;— and yet could no more live without being in love 
with somebody or other than he could without whim- whams. 

My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive irritability of 
nerve, and I am acquainted with no one so susceptible of the 
petty "miseries of human life;" yet its keener evils and mis- 
fortunes he bears without shrinking, and however they may 
prey in secret on his happiness, he never complains. This was 
strikingly evinced in an affair where his heart was deeply and 
irrevocably concerned, and in which his success was ruined by 
one for whom he had long cherished a warm friendship. The 
circumstance cut poor Langstaff to the very soul ; he was not 
seen in company for months afterwards, and for a long time 
he seemed to retire within himself, and battle with the poig- 
nancy of his feelings ; but not a murmur or a reproach was 
heard to fall from his lips, though, at the mention of his 
friend's name, a shade of melancholy might be observed steal- 
ing across his face, and his voice assumed a touching tone, 
that seemed to say, he remembered his treachery "more in 
sorrow than in anger." — This affair has given a slight tinge of 
sadness to his disposition, which, however, does not prevent 
his entering into the amusements of the world; the only 
effect it occasions, is, that you may occasionally observe him, 
at the end of a lively conversation, sink for a few minutes into 
an apparent forgetfulness of surrounding objects, during 
which time he seems to be indulging in some melancholy 
retrospection. 

Langstaff inherited from his father a love of literature, a dis- 
position for, castle-building, a mortal enmity to noise, a sove- 
reign antipathy to cold weather and brooms, and a plentiful 
stock of whim- whams. From the delicacy of his nerves he is 
peculiarly sensible to discordant sounds; the rattling of a 
wheelbarrow is " horrible;" the noise of children " drives him 
distracted ;" and he once left excellent lodgings merely because 
the lady of the house wore high- heeled shoes, in which she 
clattered up and down stairs, till, to use his own emphatic ex- 
pression, "they made life loathsome" to him. He suffers 
annual martyrdom from the razor-edged zephyrs of our 
"balmy spring," and solemnly declares that the boasted 
month of May has become a perfect "vagabond." As some 



9^ SALMAGUNDI 

people have a great antipathy to cats, and can tell when one is 
locked up in a closet, so Launcelot declares his feelings always 
announce to him the neighbourhood of a broom ; a household 
implement which he abominates above all others. Nor is there 
any living animal in the world that he holds in more utter 
abhorrence than what is usually termed a notable house-wife ; 
a pestilent being, who, he protests, is the bane of good-fellow- 
ship, and has a heavy charge to answer for the many offences 
committed against the ease, comfort, and social enjoyments of 
sovereign man. He told me not long ago, " that he had rather 
see one of the weird sisters flourish through his key-hole on a 
broomstick, than one of the servant maids enteif the door with 
a besom." 

My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in his attachments, 
which are confined to a chosen few, in whose society he loves 
to give free scope to his whimsical imagination ; he, however, 
mingles freely with the world, though more as a spectator than 
an actor ; and without an anxiety or hardly a care to please, 
is generally received with welcome and listened to with com- 
placency. When he extends his hand it is in a free, open, lib- 
eral style ; and when you shake it, you feel his honest heart 
throb in its pulsations. Though rather fiond of gay exhibitions, 
he does not appear so frequently at balls and assemblies since 
the introduction of the drum, trumpet, and tamborine : all of 
which he abhors on account of the rude attacks they make on 
his organs of hearing: — in short, such is his antipathy to noise, 
that though exceedingly patriotic, yet he retreats every fourth 
of July to Cockloft Hall, in order to get out of the way of the 
hub-bub and confusion which make so considerable a pai't of 
the pleasure of that splendid anniversary. 

I intend this article as a mere sketch of Langstaff's multifa- 
rious character ; his innumerable whim-M^hams will be exhibit- 
ed by himself, in the course of this woi'k, in all their strange 
varieties ; and the machinery of his mind, more intricate than 
the most subtle piece of clock-work, be fully explained. And 
trust me, gentlefolk, his are the whim-whams of a courteous 
gentleman full of most excellent qualities ; honourable in his 
disposition, independent in his sentiments, and of unbounded 
good nature, as may be seen through all his works. 



HALMAGUNDI. 97 

ON STYLE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Style, a manner of writing ; title ; pin of a dial ; the pistil of 
plants. —Johnson. 

Style, is ... . style.— Lmi^vm Fidelius. 

Now I would not give a straw for either of the above defini- 
tions, though I think the latter is by far the most satisfactory : 
and I do wish sincerely every modern numskull, who takes 
hold of a subject he knows nothing about, would adopt honest 
Linkum's mode of explanation. Blair's Lectures on this article 
have not thrown a whit more light on the subject of my in- 
quiries ; they puzzled me just as much as did the learned and 
laborious expositions and illustrations of the worthy professor 
of our college, in the middle of which I generally had the ill 
luck to fall asleep. 

This same word style, though but a diminutive word, as- 
sumes to itself more contradictions, and significations, and 
eccentricities, than any monosyllable in the language is legiti- 
mately entitled to. It is an arrant little humorist of a word^ 
and full of whim- whams, which occasions me to like it hugely ; 
but it puzzled me most wickedly on my first return from a long 
residence abroad, having crept into fashionable use during my 
absence ; and had it not been for friend Evergreen, and that 
thrifty sprig of knowledge, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, I 
should have remained to this daj^ ignorant of its meaning. 

Though it would seem that the people of all countries are 
equally vehement in the pursuit of this phantom, style, yet in 
almost all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion as to 
what constitutes its essence; and every different class, like 
the pagan nations, adore it under a different form. In Eng- 
land, for instance, an honest cit packs up himself, his family, 
and his style, in a buggy or tim- whisky, and rattles away on 
Sunday with his fair partner blooming beside him, like an east- 
em bride, and two chubby children, squatting like Chinese 
images at his feet. A Baronet requires a chariot and pair ; — a 
Lord must needs have a barouche and four ; — but a Duke — oh ! 
a Duke cannot possibly lumber his style along under a coach 
and six, and half a score of footmen into the bargain. In China 



93 SALMAGUNDI 

a puissant Mandarin loads at least three elephants with style*, 
and an overgrown sheep at the Cape of Good-Hope, trails along 
his tail and his style on a wheelbarrow. In Egypt, or at Con- 
stantinople, style consists in the quantity of fur and fine clothes 
a lady can put on without danger of suffocation; here it is 
otherwise, and consists in the quantity she can put off without 
the risk of freezing. A Chinese lady is thought prodigal of her 
charms if she expose the tip of her nose, or the ends of her fin- 
gers, to the ardent gaze of bystanders : and I recollect that aU 
Canton was in a buzz in consequence of the great belle, Miss 
Nangf ous, peeping out of the window with her face uncovered I 
Here the style is to show not only the faoe, but the neck, 
shoulders, &c. ; and a lady never presumes to hide them except 
when she is not at home, and not sufficiently undressed to see 
company. 

This style has ruined the peace and harmony of many a 
worthy household ; for no sooner do they set up for style, but 
instantly all the honest old comfortable sans ceremonie furni- 
ture is discarded ; and you stalk, cautiously about, amongst the 
uncomfortable splendour of Grecian chairs, Egyptian tables, 
Turkey carpets, and Etruscan vases. — This vast improvement 
in furniture demands an increase in the domestic establish- 
ment ; and a family that once required two or three servants 
for convenience, now employs half a dozen for style. 

Bell-brazen, late favourite of my unfortunate friend Des- 
salines, was one of these patterns of style ; and whatever freak 
she was seized with, however preposterous, was implicitly fol- 
lowed by all who would be considered as admitted in the styl- 
ish arcana. She was once seized with a whim- wham that tick- 
led the whole court. She could not lay down to take an 
afternoon's loll, but she must have one servant to scratch her 
head, two to tickle her feet, and a fourth to fan her delectable 
person while she slumbered. The thing took ; — it became the 
rage, and not a sable belle in all Hayti but what insisted upon 
being fanned, and scratched, and tickled in the true imperial 
style. Sneer not at this picture, my most excellent towns- 
women, for who among you but are daily following fashions 
equally absurd ! 

Style, according to Evergreen's account, consists in certain 
fashions, or certain eccentricities, or certain manners of cer- 
tain people, in certain situations, and possessed of a certain 
share of fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, on 
the shoulders of an old market-woman is regarded with con- 



SALMAGUNDI. 99 

tempt ; it is vulgar, it is odious : — fling, however, its usurping 
rival, a red shawl, over the fine figure of a fashionable belle, 
and let her flame away with it in Broadway, or in a ball-room, 
and it is uxmiediately declared to be the style. 

The modes of attaining this certain situation, which entitle 
its holder to style, are various and opposite ; the most osten- 
sible is the attainment of wealth; the possession of which 
changes, at once, the pert airs of vulgar ignorance into fashion- 
able ease and elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing to ob- 
serve the gradation of a family aspiring to style, and the 
devious Avindings they pursue in order to attain it. Wliile 
beating up against wind and tide they are the most com- 
plaisant beings in the world; — they keep "booing and booing," 
as M'Sycophant says, until you would suppose them incapable 
of standing upright ; they kiss their hands to every body who 
has the least claim to style; their familiarity is intolerable, 
and they absolutely overwhelm you with their friendship and 
loving-kindness. But having once gained the envied pre- 
eminence, never were beings in the world more changed. 
They assume the most intolerable caprices; at one time, ad- 
dress you with importunate sociabihty ; at another, pass you 
by with silent indifference ; sometimes sit up in their chairs in 
all the majesty of dignified silence; and at another time bounce 
about with all the obstreperous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden 
just broke loose from a boarding-school. 

,\nother feature which distinguishes these new-made fashion- 
ables, is the inveteracy with which they look down upon the 
honest people who are struggling to climb up to the same envied 
height. They never fail to salute them with the most sarcastic 
reflections; and like so many worthy hodmen, clambering a 
ladder, each one looks down upon his next neighbour below 
and makes no scruple of shaking the dust off his shoes into his 
eyes. Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they come to be 
considered as established denizens of the great world; as in 
some barbarous nations an oyster-shell is of sterling value, 
and a copper-washed counter will pass current for genuine 
gold. 

In no instance have I seen this grasping after style more 
whimsically exhibited, than in the family of my old acquaint- 
ance, Timothy Giblet.— I recollect old Giblet when I was a 
boy, and he was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. He 
was a perfect scare-crow to the small-fry of the day, and in- 
herited the hatred of all these unlucky little shavers ; for novel 



100 SALMAGUNDI. 

could we assemble about his door of an evening to play, and 
make a little hub-bub, but out he sallied from his nest like a 
spider, flourishing his formidable horse-whip, and dispersed the 
whole crew in the twinkling of a lamp. I perfectly remember 
a bill he sent in to my father for a pane of glass I had accident- 
ally broken, which came well-nigh getting me a sound flogging-, 
and I remember, as perfectly, that the next night I revenged 
myself by breaking half a dozen. Giblet was as arrant a grub 
worm as ever crawled ; and the only rules of right and wrong 
he cared a button for, were the rules of multiplication and 
addition ; which he practiced much more successfully than he 
did any of the rules of religion or morality. He used to de- 
clare they were the true golden rules ; and he took special care 
to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands of his children, before 
they had read ten pages in the Bible or the prayer-book. The 
practice of these favourite maxims was at length crowned 
with the harvest of success ; and after a hf e of incessant self- 
denial, and starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, 
shillings, and pence miseries of a miser, he had the satisfaction 
of seeing himself worth a plum and of dying just as he had 
determined to enjoy the remainder of his days in contemplat- 
ing his great wealth and accumulating mortgages. 

His children inherited his money ; but they buried the dis- 
position, and every other memorial of their father, in his 
grave. Fired with a noble thirst for style, they instantly 
emerged from the retired lane in which themselves and their 
accomplishments had hitherto been buried ; and they blazed, 
and they whizzed, and they cracked about town, like a nest of 
squibs and devils in a firework. I can liken their sudden eclat 
to nothing but that of the locust, which is hatched in the dust, 
where it increases and swells up to maturity, and after feeling 
for a moment the vivifying rays of the sun, bursts forth a 
mighty insect, and flutters, and rattles, and buzzes from every 
tree. The little warblers who have long cheered the wood- 
lands with their dulcet notes, are stunned by the discordant 
racket of these upstart intruders, and contemplate, in con- 
temptuous silence, their tinsel and their noise. 

Having once started, the Giblets were determined that noth- 
ing should stop them in their career, until they had run their 
full course and arrived at the very tip-top of style. Every 
tailor, every shoe-maker, every coach-maker, every milliner, 
every mantua-maker, every paper-hanger, every piano teacher, 
and every dancing master in the city, were enlisted in their 



SALMAGUNDI. 101 

service; and the willing wights most courteously answered 
their call ; and fell to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, 
as they had done that of many an aspiring family before them. 
In a httle time the young ladies could dance the waltz, 
thunder Ijodoiska, murder French, kill time, and commit vio- 
lence on the face of nature in a landscape in water colours, 
equal to the best lady in the land ; and the young gentlemen 
were seen lounging at corners of streets, and driving tandem ; 
heard talking loud at the theatre, and laughing in church; 
with as much ease, and grace, and modesty, as if they had 
been gentlemen all the days of their lives. 

And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet, and in fine 
linen, and seated themselves in high places ; but nobody noticed 
them except to honor them with a httle contempt. The Gib- 
lets made a prodigious splash in their own opinion; but no- 
body extolled them except the tailors, and the milliners, who 
had been employed in manufacturing their paraphernalia. The 
Giblets thereupon being, like Caleb Quotem, determined to 
have " a place at the review," fell to work more fiercely than 
ever;— they gave dinners, and they gave balls, they hired 
cooks, they hired fiddlers, they hired confectioners ; and they 
would have kept a newspaper in pay, had they not been all 
bought up at that time for the election. They invited the 
dancing-men and the dancing-women, and the gormandizers, 
and the epicures of the city, to come and make merry at their 
expense; and the dancing-men, and the dancing- women, and 
the epicures, and the gormandizers, did come; and they did 
make merry at their expense ; and they eat, and they drank, 
and they capered, and they danced, and they— laughed at their 
entertainers. 

Then commenced the hurry and the bustle and the mighty 
nothingness of fasliionable life; — such rattling in coaches! 
such flaunting in the streets! such slamming of box doors at 
the theatre! such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning noise 
wherever they appeared ! the Giblets were seen here and there 
and everywhere ;— they visited every body they knew, and 
every body they did not know ; and there was no getting along 
for the Giblets.— Their plan at length succeeded. By dint of 
dinners, of feeding and frolicking the town, the Giblet family 
worked themselves into notice, and enjoyed the ineffable pleas- 
ure of being for ever pestered by visitors, who cared nothing 
about them ; of being squeezed, and smothered, and parboiled 
at nightly balls, and evening tea-parties;— they were allowed 



102 SALMA O UNDL 

the privilege of forgetting the very few old friends they once 
possessed ;— they turned their noses up in the wind at every 
thing that was not genteel; and there superb manners and 
sublime affectation at length left it no longer a matter of doubt 
that the G-iblets were perfectly in style. 



" Being, as it were, a small contentmente in a never contenting subjecte; a 

bitter pleasaunte taste of sweete seasoned sower; and, all in all, a more than ordin- 
arie rejoycing, in an extraordinarie sorrow of delyghts." 

Link. Fidelius. 

We have been considerably edified of late by several letters 
of advice from a number of sage correspondents, who really 
seem to know more about our work than we do ourselves. 
One warns us against saying any thing more about Snivers, 
who is a very particular friend of the writer, and who has a 
singular disinclination to be laughed at. — This correspondent 
in particular inveighs against personalities, and accuses us of 
ill nature in bringing forward old Fungus and Billy Dimple, as 
figures of fun to amuse the pubHc. Another gentleman, who 
states that he is a near relation of the Cocklofts, proses away 
most soporifically on the impropriety of ridiculing a respectable 
old family ; and declares that if we make them and their whim- 
whams the subject of any more essays, he shall be under the 
necessity of applying to our theatrical champions for satisfac- 
tion. A third, who by the crabbedness of the hand-writing, 
and a few careless inaccuracies in the spelling, appears to be a 
lady, assures us that the Miss Cocklofts, and Miss Diana Wear- 
well, and Miss Dashaway, and Mrs. , Will Wizard's quon- 
dam fiame, are so much obliged to us for our notice, that they 
intend in future to take no notice of us at all, but leave us out 
of all their tea-parties ; for which we make them one of our 
best bows, and say, " thank you, ladies." 

We wish to heaven these good people would attend to their 
own affairs, if they have any to attend to, and let us alone. It 
is one of the most provoking tilings in the world that we can- 
not tickle the public a little, merely for our own private 
amusement, but Ave must be crossed and jostled by these med- 
dling incendiaries, and, in fact, have the whole town about our 
ears. We are much in the same situation with an unlucky 
blade of a cockney ; who, having mounted his bit of blood tq 



SALMAOXTNm. 103 

enjoy a little innocent recreation, and display his horseman- 
ship along Broadway, is worried by all those Mttle yelping curs 
that infest our city ; and who never fail to sally out and growl, 
and bark, and snarl, to the great annoyance of the Birmingham 
equestrian. 

Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fidehus, "howbeit, 
moreover, nevertheless, this thrice wicked towne is charged up 
to the muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and uncharitable- 
nesses, and is, moreover, exceedinglie naughte." This passage 
of the erudite Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, of 
which he was once Lord Mayor, as appears by his picture hung 
up in the hall of that ancient city ;— but his observation fits 
this best of all possible cities " to a hair." It is a melancholy 
truth that this same New- York, although the most charming, 
pleasant, polished, and praise- worthy city under the sun, and, 
in a word, the bonne bouche of the universe, is most shockingly 
ill-natured and sarcastic, and wickedly given to all manner of 
backslidings ; — for which we are very sorry indeed. In truth, 
for it must come out like murder one time or another, the in- 
habitants are not only ill-natured, but manifestly unjust : no 
sooner do they get one of our random sketches in their hands, 
but instantly they apply it most unjustifiably to some " dear 
friend," and then accuse us vociferously of the personality 
which originated in their own officious friendship ! Truly it is 
an ill-natured town, and most earnestly do we hope it may not 
meet with the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah of old. 

As, however, it may be thought incumbent upon us to make 
some apology for these mistakes of the town ; and as our good- 
nature is truly exemplary, we would certainly answer this 
expectation were it not that we have an invincible antipathy 
to making apologies; We have a most profound contempt for 
any man who cannot give three good reasons for an unreason- 
able thing; and will therefore condescend, as usual, to give 
the public three special reasons for never apologizing:— first, 
an apology implies that we are accountable to some body or 
another for our conduct ; — now as we do not care a fiddle-stick, 
as authors, for either public opinion or private ill-will, it would 
be implying a falsehood to apologize :— second, an apology 
would indicate that we had been doing what we ought not to 
have done. Now, as we never did nor ever intend to do any 
thing wrong it would be ridiculous to make an apology .-—third, 
we labour under the same incapacity in the art of apologizing 
that lost Langstaff his mistress; we never yet undertook to 



104 SALMAGUNDI. 

make apology without committing a new offence, and making 
matters ten times worse than they were before ; and we are, 
therefore, determined to avoid such predicaments in future. 

But though we have resolved never to apologize, yet we have 
no particular objection to explain; and if this is all that's 

wanted, we will go about it directly : allons, gentleman ! 

before, however, we enter upon this serious affair, we take 
this opportunity to express our surprise and indignation at the 
incredulity of some people.— Have we not, over and over, 
assured the town that we are three of the best-natured fellows 
living? And is it not astonishing, that having already given 
seven convincing proofs of the truth of this assurance, they 
should still have any doubts on the subject? but as it is one of 
the impossible things to make a knave believe in honesty, so 
perhaps it may be another to make this most sarcastic, satiri- 
cal, and tea-drinking city believe in the existence of good- 
nature. But to our explanation. Gentle reader ! for we are 

convinced that none but gentle or genteel readers can relish 
our excellent productions, if thou art in expectation of being 
perfectly satisfied with what we are about to say, thou mayest 
as well ' ' whistle lillebullero" and skip quite over what follows ; 
for never wight was more disappointed than thou wilt be most 
assuredly. — But to the explanation: We care just as much 
about the public and its wise conjectures, as we do about the 
man in the moon and his whim- whams, or the criticisms of the 
lady who sits majestically in her elbow-chair in the lobster ; 
and who, belying her sex, as we are credibly informed, never 
says any thing worth listening to. We have launched our 
bark, and we will steer to our destined port with undeviating 
perseverance, fearless of being shipwrecked by the way. Good- 
nature is our steersman, reason our ballast, whim the breeze 
that wafts us along, and morality our leading star. 



SALMAGUNDI. 105 



NO. IX -SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

It in some measure jumps with my humour to be "melan 
choly and gentleman-hke" this stormy night, and I see no 
reason why I should not indulge myself for once. — Away, 
then, with joke, with fun, and laughter, for a while; let my 
soul look back in mournful retrospect, and sadden with the 
memory of my good aunt Charity — who died of a French- 
man! 

Stare not, oh, most dubious reader, at the mention of a 
complaint so uncommon; grievously hath is afflicted the 
ancient family of the Cocklofts, who carry their absurd 
antipathy to the French so far, that they will not suffer a 
clove of garlic in the house : and my good old friend Chris- 
topher was once on the point of abandoning his paternal 
country mansion of Cockloft-hall, merely because a colony 
of frogs had settled in a neighbouring swamp. I verily 
believe he would have carried his whim-wham into effect, 
had not a fortunate drought obliged the enemy to strike 
their tents, and, like a troop of wandering Arabs, to march 
off towards a moister part of the country. 

My aunt Charity departed this life in the fifty-ninth year of 
her age, though she never grew older after twenty-five. In 
her teens she was, according to her own account, a celebrated 
beauty, — though I never could meet with any body that re- 
membered when she was handsome; on the contrary, Ever- 
green's father, who used to gaUant her in his youth, says she 
was as knotty a little piece of hmnanity as he ever saw ; and 
that, if she had been possessed of the least sensibility, she 
would, hke poor old Acco, have most certainly run mad at her 
own figure and face the first time she contemplated herself in 
a looking-glass. In the good old times that saw my aunt in 



106 SALMAGUNDI. 

the hey-day of youth, a fine lady was a most formidable 
animal, and required to be approached with the same awe 
and devotion that a Tartar feels in the presence of his Grand 
Lama. If a gentleman offered to take her hand, except to 
help her into a carriage, or lead her into a drawing-room, such 
frowns ! such a rusthng of brocade and taffeta ! her very paste 
shoe-buckles sparkled with indignation, and for a moment 
assumed the brilliancy of diamonds : in those days the person 
of a belle was sacred ; it was unprof aned by the sacrilegious 

grasp of a stranger : simple souls ! — they had not the waltz 

among them yet ! 

My good aunt prided herself on keeping up this buckran 
dehcacy ; and if she happened to be playing at the old-fash- 
ioned game of forfeits, and was fined a kiss, it was always 
more trouble to get it than it was worth ; for she made a most 
gallant defence, and never surrendered until she saw her 
adversary incUned to give over his attack. Evergreen's 
father says he remembers once to have been on a sleighing 
party with her, and when they came to Kissing-bridge, it fell 
to his lot to levy contributions on Miss Charity Cockloft ; who, 
after squaUing at 2, hideous rate, at length jumped out of the 
sleigh plump into a snow-bank ; where she stuck fast like an 
icicle, until he came to her rescue. This latonian feat cost her 
a rheumatism, from which she never thoroughly recovered. 

It is rather singular that my aunt, though a gi-eat beauty, 
and an heiress withal, never got married. The reason she 
alleged was, that she never met with a lover who resembled 
Sir Charles Grandison, the hero of her nightly dreams and 
waking fancy ; but I am privately of opinion that it was owing 
to her never having had an offer. This much is certain, that 
for many years previous to her decease, she declined all 
attentions from the gentlemen, and contented herself with 
watching over the welfare of her fellow-creatures. She was, 
indeed, observed to take a considerable lean towards Method- 
ism, was frequent in her attendance at love feasts, read 
Whitefield and Wesley, and even went so far as once to travel 
the distance of five and twenty miles to be present at a camp- 
meeting. This gave great offence to my cousin Christopher 
and his good lady, who, as I have already mentioned, are 
rigidly orthodox; and had not my aunt Charity been of a 
most pacific disposition, her religious whim-wham would have 
occasioned many a family altercation. She was, indeed, as 
good a soul as the Cockloft family ever boasted; a lady of 



SALMAGUNDI 



107 



unbounded loving-kindness, which extended to man, woman, 
and child ; many of whom she almost killed with good-nature! 
Was any acquaintance sick ? in vain did the wind whistle and 
the storm beat; my aunt would waddle through mud and 
mire, over the whole town, but what she would visit them. 
She would sit by them for hours together with the most per- 
severing patience ; and tell a thousand melancholy stories of 
human misery, to keep up their spirits. The whole catalogue 
of yerh teas was at her fingers' ends, from formidable worm- 
wood down to gentle balm; and she would descant by the 
hour on the healing qualities of hoar-hound, catnip, and 
penny-royal.— Wo be to the patient that came under the 
benevolent hand of my aunt Charity; he was sure, willy 
nilly, to be drenched with a deluge of decoctions; and full 
many a time has my cousin Christopher borne a twinge of 
pain in silence through fear of being condemned to suffer the 
martyrdom of her materia-medica. My good aunt had, more- 
over, considerable skill in astronomy, for she could tell when 
the sun rose and set every day in the year; and no woman in 
the whole world was able to pronounce, with more certainty, 
at what precise minute the moon changed. She held the story 
of the moon's being made of green cheese, as an abominable 
slander on her favourite planet; and she had made several 
valuable discoveries in solar eclipses, by means of a bit of 
burnt glass, which entitled her at least to an honorary admis- 
sion in the American-philosophical-society. Hutchings im- 
proved was her favourite book; and I shrewdly suspect that it 
was from this valuable work she drew most of her sovereign 
remedies for colds, coughs, corns, and consumptions. 

But the truth must be told ; with all her good quahties my 
aunt Charity was afflicted with one fault, extremely rare 
among her gentle sex;— it was curiosity. How she came by 
it, I am at a loss to imagine, but it played the very vengeance 
with her and destroyed the comfort of her life. Having an in- 
vincible desire to know every body's character, business, and 
mode of living, she was for ever prying into the affairs of her 
neighbours ; and got a great deal of ill will from people towards 
whom she had the kindest disposition possible.— If any family 
on the opposite side of the street gave a dinner; my aunt 
would mount her spectacles, and sit at the window until the 
company were all housed; merely that she might know who 
they were. If she heard a story about any of her acquain- 
tance, she would, forthwith, set off full sail and never rest 



108 sAlmagunM 

until, to use her usual expression, she had got "to the bottom 
of it ;" which meant nothing more than telling it to every body 
she knew. 

I remember one night my aunt Charity happened to hear a 
a most precious story about one of her good friends, but un- 
fortunately too late to give it immediate circulation. It made 
her absolutely miserable; and she hardly slept a wink all 
night, for fear her bosom friend, Mrs. Sipkins, should get the 
start of her in the morning and blow the whole affair. You 
must know there was always a contest between these two 
ladies, who should first give currency to the good-natured 
things said about every body ; and this unfortunate rivalship 
at length proved fatal to their long and ardent friendship. My 
aunt got up full two hours that morning before her usual time ; 
put on her pompadour tafeta gown, and sallied forth to lament 

the misfortune of her dear friend. Would you beheve it! 

where\^er she went Mrs. Sipkins had anticipated her; and, 
instead of being listened to with uplifted hands and open- 
mouthed wonder, my unhappy aunt was obliged to sit down 
quietly and listen to the whole affair, with numerous addi- 
tions, alterations, and amendments !— now this was too bad; 
it would almost have provoked Patience Grizzle or a saint ;— it 
was too much for my aunt, who kept her bed for three days 
afterwards, with a cold, as she pretended ; but I have no doubt 
it was owing to this affair of Mrs. Sipkins, to whom she never 
would be reconciled. 

But I pass over the rest of my aunt Charity's life, checquered 
with the various calamities and misfortunes and mortifications 
incident to those worthy old gentlewomen who have the do- 
mestic cares of the whole community upon their minds ; and 
I hasten to relate the melancholy incident that hurried her out 
of existence in the full bloom of antiquated virginity. 

In their frolicksome malice the fates had ordered that a 
French boarding-house, or Pension Francaise, as it was caUed, 
should be estabhshed directly opposite my aunt's residence. 
Cruel event ! unhappy aunt Charity !— it threw her into that 
alarming disorder denominated the fidgets; she did nothing 
but watch at the window- day after day, but without becoming 
one whit the wiser at the end of a fortnight than she was at 
the beginning; she thought that neighbour Pension had a mon- 
strous large family, and somehow or other they were all men! 
she could not imagine what business neighbour Pension fol- 
lowed to support so numerous a household; and wonderecj 



SALMAGUNDI. Xq9 

why there was always such a scraping of fiddles in the par- 
lour, and such a smell of onions from neighbour Pension's 
kitchen ; in short, neighbour Pension was continually upper- 
most in her thoughts, and incessantly on the outer edge of her 
tongue. This was, I believe, the very first time she had ever 
failed "to get at the bottom of a thing;" and the disappoint- 
ment cost her many a sleepless night I warrant you. I have 
little doubt, however, that my aunt would have ferretted 
neighbour Pension out, could she have spoken or understood 
French ; but in those times people in general could make them- 
selves understood in plain English ; and it was always a stand- 
ing rule in the Cockloft family, which exists to this day, that 
not one of the females should learn French. 

My aunt Charity had lived, at her window, for some time 
in vain ; when one day, as she was keeping her usual look-out, 
and suffering all the pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she beheld 
a little, meagre, weazel-faced Frenchman, of the most forlorn, 
diminutive, and pitiful proportions, arrive at neighbour Pen- 
sion's door. He was dressed in white, with a little pinched-up 
cocked hat ; he seemed to shake in the wind, and every blast 
that went over him whistled through his bones and threatened 
instant annihilation. This embodied spirit-of-famine was fol- 
lowed by three carts, lumbered with crazy trunks, chests, 
band-boxes, bidets, medicine - chests, parrots, and monkeys; 
and at his heels ran a yelping pack of little black-nosed pug 
dogs. This was the one thing wanting to fill up the measure 
of my aunt Charity's afiiictions ; she could not conceive, for 
the soul of her, who this mysterious little apparition could be 
that made so great a display ; what he could possibly do with 
so much baggage, and particularly with his parrots and mon- 
keys ; or how so small a carcass could have occasion for so 
many trunks of clothes. Honest soul ! she had never had a 
peep into a Frenchman's wardrobe ; that depot of old coats, 
hats, and breeches, of the growth of every fashion he has fol- 
lowed in his life. 

From the time of this fatal arrival, my poor aunt was in a 
quandary ;— all her inquiries were fruitless ; no one could ex^ 
pound the history of this mysterious stranger: she never held 
up her head afterwards, — drooped daily, took to her bed in a 
fortnight, and in ' ' one little month" I saw her quietly depos- 
ited in the family vault : — being the seventh Cockloft that has 
died of a whim-wham ! 

Take warning, my fair country-women ! and you, oh, ye ex- 



110 SALMAGUNDt. 

cellent ladiee, whether married or single, who pry into other 
people's affairs and neglect those of your own household; — 
who are so husily employed in observing the faults of others 
that you have no time to correct your own;— remember the 
fate of my dear aunt Charity, and eschew the evil spirit of 
curiosity. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I FIND, by perusal of our last number' that Will Wizard 
and Evergreen, taking advantage of my confinement, have 
been playing some of their gambols. I suspected these rogues 
of some mal-practices, in consequence of their queer looks and 
knowing winks whenever I came down to dinner ; and of their 
not showing their faces at old Cockloft's for several days after 
the appearance of their precious effusions. Whenever these 
two waggish fellows lay their heads together, there is always 
sure to be hatched some notable piece of mischief ; which, if it 
tickles nobody else, is sure to make its authors merry. The 
public will take notice that, for the purpose of teaching these 
my associates better manners, and punishing them for their 
high misdemeanors, I have, by virtue of my authority, sus- 
pended them from all interference in Salmagundi, until they 
fc^how a proper degree of repentance ; or I get tired of support- 
i ng the burthen of the work myself. I am sorry for Will, who 
\s already sufficiently mortified in not daring to come to- the 
old house and tell his long stories and smoke liis segar ; but 
Evergreen, being an old beau, may solace himself in his dis- 
grace by trimming up all his old fiixcry and making love to 
the little girls. 

At present my right-hand man is cousin Pindar, whom I 
have taken into high favour. He came home the other night 
all in a blaze like a sky-rocket — whisked up to his room in a 
paroxysm of poetic inspiration, nor did we see any thing of 
him until late the next morning, when he bounced upon us at 
breakfast, 

" Fire in each eye — and paper in each hand." 

This is just the way with Pindar, he is like a volcano ; will 
remain for a long time silent without emitting a single spark, 
and then, all at once, burst out in a tremendous exj)losion of 
rh;jTne and rhapsody. 



f 

« SALMAGUNDI. HI 

As the letters of my friend Mustapha seem to excite consid- 
erable curiosity, I have subjoined another. I do not vouch 
for the justice of his remarks, or the correctness of his con- 
clusions; they are full of the blunders and errors in which 
strangers continually indulge, who pretend to give an account 
of this country before they well know the geography of the 
street in which they hve. The copies of my friend's papers 
being confused and without date, I cannot pretend to give 
them in systematic order ; — in fact, they seem now and then 
to treat of matters which have occurred since his departure ; 
whether these are sly interpolations of that meddlesome wight 
"Will Wizard, or whether honest Mustapha was gifted with 
the spirit of prophecy or second sight, I neither know — nor, in 
fact, do I care. The following seems to have been written 
when the Tripolitan prisoners were so much annoj' ed by the 
ragged state of their wardrobe. Mustapha feelingly depicts 
the embarrassments of his situation, traveller-hke ; makes an 
easy transition from his breeches to the seat of government, 
and incontinently abuses the whole administration; like a 
sapient traveller I once knew, who damned the French nation 
in toto — because they eat sugar with green peas. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN. 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Sweet, oh, Asem ! is the memory of distant friends ! like the 
mellow ray of a departing sun it falls tenderly yet sadly on the 
heart. Every hour of absence from my native land rolls 
heavily by, like the sandy wave of the desert; and the fair 
shores of my country rise blooming to my imagination, clothed 
in the soft, illusive charms of distance. I sigh, yet no one lis- 
tens to the sigh of the captive ; I shed the bitter tear of recol- 
lection, but no one sympathizes in the tear of the turbaned 
stranger ! Think not, however, thou brother of my soul, that 
I complain of the horrors of my situation ;— think not that my 
captivity is attended with the labours, the chains, the scourges, 
the insults, tha^ render slavery, with us, more dreadful than 
the pangs of hesitating, lingering death. Light, indeed, are 



112 SALMAGUNDI. 

the restraints on the personal freedom of thy kinsman ; but 
who can enter into the afflictions of the mind? — who can de- 
scribe the agonies of the heart? they are mutable as the clouds 
of the air — they are countless as the waves that divide me 
from my native country. 

I have, of late, my dear Asem, laboured under an inconve- 
nience singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma 
most ridiculously embarrassing. Why should I hide it from 
the companion of my thoughts, the partner of my sorrows and 
T5iy joys? Alas! Asem, thy friend Mustapha, the invincible 
captain of a ketch, is sadly in want of a pair of breeches ! Thou 
wilt doubtless smile, oh, most grave Mussulman, to hear me 
indulge in such ardent lamentations about a circumstance so 
trivial, and a want apparently so easy to be satisfied ; but little 
canst thou know of ths mortifications attending my necessities, 
and the astonishing difficulty of supplying them. Honoured 
by the smiles and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this city, 
who have fallen in love with my whiskers and my turban ; 
courted by the bashaws and the great men, who dehght to 
have me at their feasts ; the honour of my company eagerly 
solicited by every fiddler who gives a concert ; think of my 
chagrin at being obliged to decline the host of invitations that 
daily overwhelm me, merely for want of a pair of breeches ! 
Oh, Allah ! Allah ! that thy disciples could come into the world 
all be-feathered like a bantam, or with a pair of leather breeches 
like the wild deer of the forest ! Surely, my friend, it is the 
destiny of man to be for ever subjected to petty evils ; which, 
however trifling in appearance, prey in silence on his little 
pittance of enjoyment, and poison those moments of sunshine 
which might otherwise be consecrated to happiness. 

The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied ; and 
thou mayest suppose need only be mentioned, to be remedied 
at once by any tailor of the land : little canst thou conceive the 
impediments which stand in the way of my comfort ; and still 
less art thou acquainted with the prodigious great scale on 
which every thing is transacted in this country. The nation 
moves most majestically slow and clumsy in the most trivial 
affairs, like the unwieldy elephant which makes a formidable 
difficulty of picking up a straw ! When I hinted my necessities 
to the officer who has charge of myself and my companions, I 
expected to have them forthwith relieved; but he made an 
amazing long face, told me that we were prisoners of state, 
that we must, therefore, be clothed at the expense of govern- 



SALMAGUNDI. 113 

ment ; that as no provision had been made by congress for an 
emergency of the kind, it was impossible to furnish me with a 
pair of breeches, until all the sages of the nation had been con- 
vened to talk over the matter and debate upon the expediency 
of granting my request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, 
thought I, but this is great ! — this is truly subhme ! All the 
sages of an immense logocracy assembled together to talk 
about my breeches! Vain mortal that I am! — I cannot but 
own I was somewhat reconciled to the delay, which must nec- 
essarily attend this method of clothing me, by the considera- 
tion that if they made the affair a national act, my "name 
must, of course, be embodied in history," and myself and my 
breeches flourish to immortality in the annals of this mighty 
empire ! 

" But, pray," said I, "how does it happen that a matter so 
insignificant should be erected into an object of such impor- 
tance as to employ the representative wisdom of the nation ; 
and what is the cause of their talking so much about a trifle?" 
— "Oh," replied the officer, who acts as our slave-driver, "it 
all proceeds from economy. If the government did not spend 
ten times as much money in debating whether it was proper to 
supply you with breeches, as the breeches themselves would 
cost, the people who govern the bashaw and his divan would 
straightway begin to complain of their hberties being infringed ; 
the national finances squandered ! not a hostile slang- whanger 
throughout the logocracy, but would burst forth like a barrel 
of combustion, and ten chances to one but the bashaw and the 
sages of his divan would all be turned out of office together. 
My good Mussulman," continued he, " the administration have 
the good of the people too much at heart to trifle with their 
pockets ; and they would sooner assemble and talk away ten 
thousand dollars, than expend fifty silently out of the treasury ; 
such is the wonderful spirit of economy that pervades every 
branch of this government." "But," said I, "how is it possi- 
ble they can spend money in talking; surely words cannot be 
the current coin of this country?" " Truly," cried he, smiling, 
"your question is pertinent enough, for words indeed often 
supply the place of cash among us, and many an honest debt 
is paid in promises : but the fact is, the grand bashaw and the 
members of congress, or grand-talkers-of-the-nation, either 
receive a yearly salary or are paid by the day." " By the nine 
hundred tongues of the great beast in Mahomet's vision, but 
the murder is out;— it is no wonder these honest men talk so 



114 SALMAGUNDI. 

much about nothing, when they are paid for talking, like day- 
labourers." " You are mistaken," said my driver, " it is noth- 
ing but economy !" 

I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexpHcable 
word economy always discomfits me ; and when I flatter my- 
self I have grasped it, it slips through my fingers Hke a jack- 
o'-lantern. I have not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, suffi- 
cient of the philosophic policy of this government to draw a 
proper distinction between an individual and a nation. If a 
man was to throw away a pound in order to save a beggarly 
penny, and boast, at the same time, of his economy, I should 
think him on a par with the fool in the fable of Alfanji, who, 
in skinning a flint worth a farthing, spoiled a knife worth fifty 
times the sum, and thought he had acted wisely. The shrewd 
fellow would doubtless have valued himself much more highly 
on his economy, could he have known that his example would 
one day be followed by the bashaw of America, and the sages 
of his divan. 

This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much fight- 
ing of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the tongue in 
this talking assembly.— Wouldst thou beheve it? they were 
actually employed for a whole week in a most strenuous and 
eloquent debate about patching up a hole in the wall of the 
room appropriated to their meetings! A vast profusion of 
nervous argument and pompous declamation was expended on 
the occasion. Some of the orators, I am told, being rather wag- 
gishly inclined, were most stupidly jocular on the occasion ; but 
their waggery gave great offence ; and was highly reprobated 
by the more weighty part of the assembly, who hold all wit 
and humour in abomination, and thought the business in hand 
much too solemn and serious to be treated lightly. It is sup- 
posed by some that this affair would have occupied a, whole 
winter, as it was a subject upon ..hich several gentlemen 
spoke who had never been known to open their lips in that 
place except to say yes and no. These silent members are by 
way of distinction denominated orator mums, and are highly 
valued in this country on account of their great talent for 
silence;— a qualification extremely rare in a logocracy. 

Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of 
the debate, when two rampant Virginians, brim-full of logic 
and philosophy, were measuring tongues, and syllogistically 
cudgelling each other out of their unreasonable notions, the 
president of the divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night 



BALMAGUNDi. llg 

slyly sent a mason with a hod of mortar, who, in the course of 
a few minutes, closed up the hole and put a final end to the ar- 
gument. Thus did thiswise old gentleman, by hitting on a 
most simple expedient, in all probability save his country as 
much money as would build a gun-boat, or pay a hireling 
slang- whanger for a whole volume of words. As it happened, 
only a few thousand dollars were expended in paying these 
men, who are denominated, I suppose in derision, legislators. 

Another instance of their economy I relate with pleasure, for 
I really begin to feel a regard for these poor barbarians. They 
talked away the best part of a whole winter before tliey 
could determine not to expend a few dollars in purchasing a 
sword to bestow on an illustrious warrior: yes, Asem, on that 
very hero who frightened all oui* poor old women and young 
children at Derne, and fully proved himself a greater man 
than the mother that bore him. Thus, my friend, is the whole 
collective wisdom of this mighty logocracy employed in somni- 
ferous debates about the most trivial affairs ; like I have some- 
times seen a herculean mountebank exerting all his energies in 
balancing a straw upon his nose. Their sages behold the minu- 
test object with the microscopic eyes of a pismire ; mole- hills 
swell into mountains, and a grain of mustard-seed will set the 
whole ant-hill in a hub-bub. Whether this indicates a capa- 
cious vision, or a diminutive mind, I leave thee to decide; for 
my part, I consider it as another proof of the great scale on 
which every thing is transacted in this country. 

I have before told thee that nothing can be done without con- 
sulting the sages of the nation, who compose the assembly 
caUed the congress. This prolific body may not improperly be 
termed the "mother of inventions;" and a most fruitful 
mother it is, let me tell thee, though its children are generally 
abortions. It has lately laboured with what was deemed the 
conception of a mighty navy.— All the old women and the 
good wives that assist the bashaw in his emergencies hurried 
to head-quarters to be busy, like midwives, at the dehvery. — 
Ail was anxiety, fidgeting, and consultation ; when, after a deal 
of groaning and struggling, instead of formidable first rates 
and gallant frigates, out crept a litter of sorry httle gun- 
boats ! These are most pitiful little vessels, partaking vastly 
of the character of the grand bashaw, who has the credit of 
begetting them ; being flat, sliallow vessels that can only sail 
before the wind: — must always keep in with the land; — are 
continually foundering or running ashore; and, in short, are 



116 SALMAOtTNDI. 

only fit for smooth water. Though intended for the defence 
of the maritime cities, yet the cities are obhged to defend 
them ; and they require as much nursing as so many ricketty 
little bantlings. They are, however, the darling pets of the 
grand bashaw, being the children of his dotage, and, perhaps 
from their diminutive size and palpable weakness, are called 
the "infant navy of America." The act that brought them 
into existence was almost deified by the majority of the peo- 
ple as a grand stroke of economy. — By the beard of Mahomet, 
but this word is truly inexplicable ! 

To this economic body, therefore, was I advised to address 
my petition, and humbly to pray that the august assembly 
of sages would, in the plenitude of their wisdom and the mag- 
nitude of their powers, munificently bestow on an unfortu- 
nate captive, a pair of cotton breeches ! ' ' Head of the immor- 
tal Amrou," cried I, "but this would be presumptuous to a de- 
gree ; what ! after these worthies have thought proper to leave 
their country naked and defenceless, and exposed to all the po- 
litical storms that rattle without, can I expect that they will 
lend a helping hand to comfort the extremities of a solitary 
captive?" My exclamation was only answered by a smile, and 
I was consoled by the assurance that, so far from being neg- 
lected, it was every way probable my breeches might occupy 
a whole session of the divan, and set several of the longest 
heads together by the ears. Flattering as was the idea of a 
whole nation being agitated about my breeches, yet I own I 
was somewhat dismayed at the idea of remaining in querpo, 
until all the national gray -beards should have made a speech 
on the occasion, and given their consent to the measure. The 
embarrassment and distress of mind which I experienced was 
visible in my countenance, and my guard, who is a man of in- 
finite good-nature, immediately suggested, as a more expedi- 
tious plan of supplying my wants— a benefit at the theatre. 
Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, I agreed to his 
proposition, the result of which I shall disclose to thee in 
another letter. 

Fare thee well, dear Asem; in thy pious prayers to our 
great prophet, never forget to solicit thy friend's return ; and 
when thou numberest up the many blessings bestowed on thee 
by all-bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude that he has 
cast thy nativity in a land where there is no assembly of 
legislative chatterers : — no great bashaw, who bestrides a gun- 
boat for a hobby-horse: — where the word economy is un* 



8ALMA0tJNt)l, ' 117 

known ; — and where an unfortunate captive is not obliged to 
call upon the whole nation, to cut him out a pair of breeches. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ, 

Though enter'd on that sober age, 
When men withdraw from fashion's stage, 
And leave the follies of the day. 
To shape their course a graver way ; 
StiU those gay scenes I loiter round, 
In which my youth sweet transport found: 
And though I feel their joys decay. 
And languish every hour away,— 
Yet like an exile doom'd to part. 
From the dear countrj'^ of his heart. 
From the fair spot in which he sprung, 
Where his first notes of love were sung, 
Will often turn to wave the hand, 
And sigh his blessings on the land ; 
Just so my lingering watch I keep. 
Thus oft I take my farewell peep. 

And, like that pilgrim who retreats. 
Thus lagging from his parent seats, 
When the sad thought pervades his mind. 
That the fair land he leaves behind 
Is ravaged by a foreign foe, 
Its cities waste, its temples low. 
And ruined all those haunts of joy 
That gave him rapture when a boy ; 
Turns from it with averted eye, 
And while he heaves the anguish 'd sigh, 
Scarce feels regret that the loved shore 
Shall beam upon his sight no more ;— 
Just so it grieves my soul to view, 
While breathing forth a fond adieu, 
The innovations pride has made. 
The fustian, frippery, and parade. 
That now usurp with mawkish grace 
Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place I 



lis ' SALMAGUNDI 

'Twas joy we look'd for in my prime. 
That idol of the olden time ; 
"When all our pastimes had the art 
To please, and not mislead, the heart. 
Style curs'd us not,— that modern flash, 
That love of racket and of trash ; 
Which scares at once all feeling joys, 
And drowns delight in empty noise ; 
Which barters friendship, mirth, and truth, 
The artless air, the bloom of youth, 
And all those gentle sweets that swarm 
Round nature in her simplest form, 
For cold display, for hollow state. 
The trappings of the would-be great. 

Oh ! once again those days recall, 
When heart met heart in fashion's hall ; 
When every honest guest would flock 
To add his pleasure to the stock, 
More fond his transports to express, 
Than show the tinsel of his dress ! 
These were the times that clasp'd the soul 
In gentle friendship's soft control, 
Our fair ones, unprofan'd by art. 
Content to gain one honest heart. 
No train of sighing swains desired. 
Sought to be loved and not admired. 
But now 'tis form, not love, unites ; 
'Tis show, not pleasure, that invites. 
Each seeks the ball to play the queen, 
To flirt, to conquer, to be seen ; 
Each grasps at universal sway, 
And reigns the idol of the day; 
Exults amid a thousand sighs, 
And triumphs when a lover dies. 
Each belle a rival belle surveys, 
like deadly foe with hostile gaze ; 
Nor can her " dearest friend" caress, 
Till she has slyly scann'd her dress ; 
Ten conquests in one year will make, 
And six eternal friendships break ! 

How oft I breathe the inward sigh, 
And feel the dew-drop in my eye, 



SALMAGUNDI. 119 

When I behold some beauteous frame, 
Divine in every thing but name. 
Just venturing, in the tender age, 
On fashion's late new-fangled stage ! 
Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease 
To beat in artlessness and peace ; 
Where all the flowers of gay delight 
With which youth decks its prospects bright, 
Shall wither 'mid the cares, the strife, 
The cold realities of life ! 

Thus lately, in my careless mood. 
As I the world of fashion view'd 
While celebrating great and small 
That grand solemnity, a ball. 
My roving vision chanced to light 
On two sweet forms, divinely bright ; 
Two sister nymphs, ahke in face. 
In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; 
Twin rose-buds, bursting into bloom, 
In aU their brilliance and perfume : 
Like those fair forms that often beam 
Upon the Eastern poet's dream ! 
For Eden had each lovely maid 
In native innocence arrayed, — 
And heaven itself had almost shed 
Its sacred halo round each head ! 

They seem'd, just entering hand in hand, 
To cautious tread this fairy land ; 
To take a timid, hasty view. 
Enchanted with a scene so new. 
The modest blush, untaught by art. 
Bespoke their purity of heart ; 
And every timorous act unf url'd 
Two souls unspotted by the world. 

Oh, how these strangers joy'd my sight, 
And thrill'd my bosom with delight ! 
They brought the visions of my youth 
Back to my soul in all their truth ; 
Recall'd fair spirits into day. 
That time's rough hand had swept away ! 
Thus the bright natives from above. 
Who come on messages of love. 



120 SALMA G UNDI. 

Will bless, at rare and distant whiles, 
Our sinful dwelling by their smiles ! 

Oh ! my romance of youth is past, 
Dear airy dreams too bright to last ! 
Yet when such forms as these appear, 
I feel your soft remembrance here ; 
For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, 
On which fond love once play'd its part, 
Still feels the soft pulsations beat. 
As loth to quit their former seat. 
Just like the harp's melodious wire. 
Swept by a bard with heavenly fire, 
Though ceased the loudly swelling strain 
Yet sweet vibrations long remain. 

Full soon I found the lovely pair 
Had sprung beneath a mother's care, 
Hard by a neighbouring streamlet's side, 
At once its ornament and pride. 
The beauteous parent's tender heart 
Had well f ulfill'd its pious part ; 
And, like the holy man of old. 
As we're by sacred writings told, 
Who, when he from his pupil sped, 
Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head.- 
So this fond mother had imprest 
Her early virtues in each breast, 
A.nd as she found her stock enlarge, 
Had stampt new graces on her charge. 

The fair resign'd the calm retreat. 
Where first their souls in concert beat, 
And flew on expectation's wing. 
To sip the joys of hfe's gay spring; 
To sport in fashion's splendid maze, 
Where friendship fades and love decaya 
So two sweet wild flowers, near the side 
Of some fair river's silver tide, 
Pure as the gentle stream that laves 
The green banks with its lucid waves, 
Bloom beauteous in their native ground 
Diffusing heavenly fragrance round ; 
But should a venturous hand transfer 
These blossoms to the gay parterre, 



SALMAOUNDt 1*21 

Where, spite of artificial aid, 
The fairest plants of nature fade. 
Though they may shine supreme awhile 
'Mid pale ones of the stranger soil, 
The tender beauties soon decay, 
And their sweet fragrance dies away. 
Blest spirits ! who, enthroned in aii% 
Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, 
And with angelic ken survey 
Their windings through life's chequer'd way ; 
Who hover round them as they glide 
Down fashion's smooth, deceitful tide. 
And guard them o'er that stormy deep 
Where dissipation's tempests sweep : 
Oh, make this inexperienced pair 
The objects of your tenderest care. 
Pi-eserve them from the languid eye. 
The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh ; 
And let it be your constant aim 
To keep the fair ones still the same : 
Two sister hearts, unsulhed, bright 
As the first beam of lucid light 
That sparkled from the youthful sun. 
When first his jocund race begun. 
So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, 
To wing their flight to realms divine. 
They may to radiant mansions rise 
Pure as when first they left the skies. 



122 BALMAOUNDl 



NO. X.-SATUKDAY, MAY 16, 1807- 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The long interval which has elapsed since the pubHcation of 
our last number, like many other remarkable events, has 
given rise to much conjecture and excited considerable solici- 
tude. It is but a day or two since I heard a knowing young 
gentleman observe, that he suspected Salmagundi would be a 
nine days' wonder, and had even prophesied that the ninth 
would be our last effort. But the age of prophecy, as well as 
that of chivalry, is past ; and no reasonable man should now 
venture to foretell aught but what he is^determined to bring 
about himself : — he may then, if he please, monopolize predic- 
tion, and be honoured as a prophet even in his own country. 

Though I hold whether we write, or not write, to be none of 
the public's business, yet as I have just heard of the loss of 
three thousand votes at least to the Clintonians, I feel in a 
remarkably dulcet humour thereupon, and will give some 
account of the reasons which induced us to resume our useful 
labours : — or rather our amusement ; for, if writing cost either 
of us a moment's labour, there is not a man but what would 
hang up his pen, to the great detriment of the world at large, 
and of our publisher in particular ; who has actually bought 
himself a pair of trunk breeches, with the profits of our 
writings ! ! 

He informs me that several persons having called last 
Saturday for No. X., took the disappointment so much to 
heart, that he really apprehended some terrible catastrophe; 
and one good-looking man, in particular, declared his inten- 
tion of quitting the country if the work was not continued. 
Add to this, the town has grown quite melancholy in the last 
fortnight; and several young ladies have declared, in my 
hearing, that if another number did not make its appearance 



8 ALMA G UNDI. 123 

soon, they would be obliged to amuse themselves with teasing 
their beaux and making them miserable. Now I assure my 
readers there was no flattery in this, for they no more sus- 
pected me of being Launcelot Langstaff, than they suspected me 
of being the emperor of China, or the man in the moon. 

I have also received several letters complaining of our indo- 
lent procrastination; and one of my correspondents assures 
me, that a number of young gentlemen, who had not read a 
book through since they left school, but who have taken a 
wonderful liking to our paper, will certainly relapse into their 
old habits unless we go on. 

For the sake, therefore, of all these good people, and most 
especially for the satisfaction of the ladies, every one of whom 
we would love, if we possibly could, I have again wielded my 
pen with a most hearty determination to set the whole world 
to rights ; to make cherubims and seraphs of all the fair ones 
of this enchanting town, and raise the spirits of the poor 
federalists, who, in truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ever 
since the American-Ticket met with the accident of being so 
unhappily thrown out. 



•ro LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Sir:— I felt myself hurt and offended by Mr. Evergreen's 
terrible phihppic against modem music, in No. II. of your 
work, and was under serious apprehension that his strictures 
might bring the art, which I have the honour to profess, into 
contempt. The opinion of yourself and fraternity appears 
indeed to have a wonderful effect upon the town.— I am told 
the ladies are all employed in reading Bunyan and Pamela, 
and the waltz has been entirely forsaken ever since the winter 
balls have closed. Under these apprehensions I should have 
addressed you before, had I not been sedulously employed, 
while the theatre continued open, in supporting the astonish- 
ing variety of the orchestra, and in composing a new chime or 
Bob-Major for Trinity Church, to be rung during the summer, 
beginning with ding-dong di-do, instead of di-do ding-dong. 
The citizens, especially those who live in the neighbourhood of 
that harmonious quarter, will, no doubt, be infinitely de- 
lighted with this novelty. 



124 SALMAGUNDI. 

But to the object of this conununication. So far, sir, from 
agreeing with Mr. Evergreen in thinking that all modem 
music is but the mere dregs and drainings of the ancient, I 
trust, before this letter is concluded, I shall convince you and 
him that some of the late professors of this enchanting art 
have completely distanced the paltry efforts of the ancients; 
and that I, in particular, have at length brought it almost to 
absolute perfection. 

The Greeks, simple souls ! were astonished at the powers of 
Orpheus, who made the woods and rocks dance to his lyre; 
— of Amphion, who converted crotchets into bricks, and qua- 
vers into mortar ; — and of Arion, who won upon the compas' 
sion of the fishes. In the fervency of admiration, their poets 
fabled that Apollo had lent them his lyre, and inspired them 
with his own spirit of harmony. What then would they have 
said had they witnessed the wonderful effects of my skill ? had 
they heard me in the compass of a single piece, describe in 
glowing notes one of the most sublime operations of nature ; 
and not only make inanimate objects dance, but even speak ; 
and not only speak, but speak in strains of exquisite harmony ? 

Let me not, however, be understood to say that I am the sole 
author of this extraordinary improvement in the art, for 1 
confess I took the hint of many of my discoveries from some 
of those meritorious productions that have lately come abroad 
and made so much noise under the title of overtures. From 
some of these, as, for instance, Lodoiska, and the battle of 
Marengo, a gentleman, or a captain in the city miUtia, or an 
amazonian young lady, may indeed acquire a tolerable idea of 
military tactics, and become very well experienced in the firing 
of musketry, the roariiig of cannon, the rattling of drums, the 
whistling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of the dying, 
and trampling of cavalry, without ever going to the wars ; but 
it is more especially in the art of imitating inimitable things, 
and giving the language of every passion and sentiment of 
the human mind, so as entirely to do away the necessity of 
speech, that I particularly excel the most celebrated musicians 
of ancient and modern times. 

I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not a sound in the 
whole compass of nature which I cannot imitate, and even 
improve upon ;— nay, what I consider the perfection of my art, 
I have discovered a method of expressing, in the most striking 
manner, that undefinable, indescribable silence which accom' 
panics the falling of snow, 



SALAfAOU^^BI. 



125 



In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate to myself 
what I am unable to perform, I will detail to you the different 
movements of a grand piece which I pride myself upon ex- 
ceedingly, called the "Breaking up of the ice in the North 
River." 

The piece opens with a gentle andante affetuosso, which ush- 
ers you into the assembly-room in the state-house in Albany, 
where the speaker addresses his farewell speech, informing the 
members that the ice is about breaking up, and thanking them 
for their great services and good behaviour in a manner so pa- 
thetic as to bring tears into their eyes.— Flourish of Jacks-a- 
donkies.— Ice cracks; Albany in a hub-bub :— air, " Three chil- 
dren sliding on the ice, all on a summer's day ."— Citizens 

quarrelling in Dutch; chorus of a tin trumpet, a cracked 

fiddle, and a hand-saw ! allegro moderato.—B.Sivd frost :— this, 

if given with proper spirit, has a charming efifect, and sets 
every body's teeth chattering.— Symptoms of snow— consulta- 
tion of old women who complain of pains in the bones and 

rheumatics; air, "There was an old woman tossed up in a 

blanket," &c. allegro staccato ; wagon breaks into the ice; 

—people all run to see what is the matter ; air, siciliano— 

"Can you row the boat ashore, Billy boy, Billy boy;"— an- 

c?a?i^e;— frost fish froze up in the ice; air,—" Ho, why dost 

thou shiver and shake, Gaffer Gray, and why does thy nose 

look so blue ?" Flourish of two-penny trumpets and rattlers ; 

—consultation of the North-river society ;— determine to set the 
North-river on fire, as soon as it will burn;-air, "O, what a 
fine kettle of fish." 

Part II.— Great Thaw. -This consists of the most melting 
strams, flowing so smoothly as to occasion a great overflowing 
of scientific rapture ; air—" One misty moisty morning " The 
house of assembly breaks up-air— "The owls came out and 
flew about." Assembly-men embark on their way to New- 
York air- " The ducks and the geese they all swam over, 

fal, de ral," &c. Vessel sets sail— chorus of mariners— 

"Steer her up, and let her gang." After this a rapid move- 
ment conducts you to New York ;-the North-river society hold 
a meeting at the corner of Wall-street, and determine to delay 
burning till all the assembly-men are safe home, for fear of 
consuming some of their own members who belong to that re- 
spectable body. Return again to the capital.— Ice floats down 
the river; lamentation of skaters; air, a^efifo.sso- "I sigh and 
lament me in vain," &c.— Albanians cutting up sturgeon ;— air, 



126 SALMAGUNDI. 

"O the roast beef of Albany." — Ice runs against, Polopoy'sJ 
island, with a terrible crash. — This is represented by a fierce 
fellow travelling with his fiddle-stick over a huge bass viol, at 
the rate^of one hundred and fifty bars a minute, and tearing the 
music to rags; — this being what is called execution. — The great 
body of ice passes West-point, and is saluted by three or four 
dismounted cannon, from Fort Putnam. — "Jefferson's march" 
by a full band;— air, "Yankee doodle," with seventy-six varia- 
tions, never before attempted, except by the celebrated eagle, 
which flutters his wings over the copper-bottomed angel at 
Messrs. Paff's in Broadway. Ice passes New- York : conch-shell 
sounds at a distance— ferrymen calls o-v-e-r ; — people run down 

Courtlandt-street— ferry-boat sets sail air — accompanied by 

the conch-shell— " We'll all go over the ferry."— Eondeau— 
giving a particular account of Brom the Powles-hook admiral, 
who is supposed to be closely connected with the North-river 
society.— The society make a grand attempt to fire the stream, 
but are utterly defeated by a remarkable high tide, which 
brings the plot to light ; drowns upwards of a thousand rats, 
and occasions twenty robins to break their necks. *— Society 
not being discouraged, apply to " Common Sense," for his lan- 
tern; Air— "Nose, nose, jolly red nose." Flock of wild 

geese fly over the city ;— old wives chatter in the fog — cocks 
crow at Communipaw — drums beat on Governor's island. — 
The whole to conclude with the blowing up of Sand's powder- 
house. 

Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers of expression 
have been hitherto locked up in this enchanting art:— a whole 
history is here told witbout the aid of speech, or writing; and 
provided the hearer is in the least acquainted with music, he 
cannot mistake a single note. As to the blowing up of the 
powder-house, I look upon it as a chef d'ouvre, which I am 
confident will delight all modern amateurs, who very properly 
estimate music in proportion to the noise it makes, and dehght 
in thundering cannon and earthquakes. 

I must confess, however, it is a difficult part to manage, and 
I have already broken six pianos in giving it the proper force 
and effect. But I do not despair, and am quite certain that by 
the time I have broken eight or ten more, I shall have brought 
it to such perfection, as to be able to teach any young lady of 
tolerable ear, to thunder it away to the infinite dehght of papa 



* Vide— Solomon Lan^. 



SALMAGnNDt Igt 

and mamma, and the great annoyance of those Vandals, who 
are so barbarous as to prefer the simple melody of a Scots air, 
to the sublime effusions of modern musical doctors. 

In my warm anticipations of future improvement, I have 
sometimes almost convinced myself that music will, in time, 
be brought to such a climax of perfection, as to supersede the 
necessity of speech and writing; and every kind of social 
intercourse be conducted by the flute and fiddle. — The immense 
benefits that will result from this improvement must be plain 
to every man of the least consideration. In the present un- 
happy situation of mortals, a man has but one way of making 
himself perfectly understood ; if he loses his speech, he must 
inevitably be dumb all the rest of his life; but having once 
learned this new musical language, the loss of speech will be a 
mere trifle not worth a moment's uneasiness. Not only this, 
Mr. L. , but it will add much to the harmony of domestic inter- 
course ; for it is certainly much more agreeable to hear a lady 
give lectures on the piano than, viva voce, in the usual discord, 
ant measure. This manner of discoursing may also, I think, 
be introduced with great effect into our national assembhes, 
where every man, instead of wagging his tongue, should be 
obliged to flourish a fiddle-stick, by which means, if he said 
nothing to the purpose, he would, at all events, "discourse 
most eloquent music, " which is more than can be said of most 
of them at present. They might also sound their own trumpets 
without being obhged to a hireling scribbler, for an immortahty 
of nine days, or subjected to the censure of egotism. 

But the most important result of this discovery is that it 
may be applied to the establishment of that great desideratum, 
in the learned world, a universal language. Wherever this 
science of music is cultivated, nothing more will be necessary 
than a knowledge of its alphabet; which being almost the 
same everywhere, will amount to a universal medium of com- 
munication. A man may thus, with his violin under his arm, 
a piece of rosin, and a few bundles of catgut, fiddle his way 
through the world, and never be at a loss to make himself 
understood. 

I am, etc. 

Demy Semiquaver. 



[end of vol. one.] 



SALMAGUNDI. 



VOLUME TWO. 



NOTE BY THE PUBLISHER. 

Without the knowledge or permission of the authors, and which, if he dared, he 
would have placed near where their remarks are made on the great difference of 
manners which exists between the sexes now, from what it did in the days of our 
grandames. The danger of that cheek-by- jowl familiarity of the present day, must 
be obvious to many ; and I think the following a strong example of one of its evils. 

EXTRACTED FROM "THE MIRROR OP THE GRACES." 

"I REMEMBER the Count M , one of the most accompHshed 

and handsomest young men in Vienna ; when I was there he 
was passionately in love with a girl of almost peerless beauty. 
She was the daughter of a man of great rank, and great influ- 
ence at court ; and on these considei'ations, as well as in regard 
to her charms, she was followed by a multitude of suitors. 
She was lively and amiable, and treated them all with an affa- 
bility which still kept them in her train, although it was gener- 
ally known she had avowed a partiality for Count M ; and 

that preparations were making for their nuptials. The Count 
was of a refined mind, and a delicate sensibility ; he loved her 
for herself alone : for the virtues which he believed dwelt in 
her beautiful form ; and, like a lover of such perfections, he 
never approached her without timidity ; and when he touched 
her, a fire shot through his veins, that warned him not to 
invade the vermillion sanctuary of her lips. Such were his 
feelings when, one evening, at his intended father-in-law's, a 
party of young people were met to celebrate a certain festival ; 
several of the young lady's rejected suitors were present. For- 
feits were one of the pastimes, and all went on with the great- 
est merriment, till the Count was commanded, by some witty 



130 



SALMAGUNDI 



marn'seUe, to redeem his glove by saluting the cheek of his 
intended bride. The Count blushed, trembled, advanced, 
retreated; again advanced to his mistress;— and,— at last, — 
with a tremor that shook his whole soul, and every fibre of his 
frame, with a modest and diflSdent grace, he took the soft 
ringlet which played upon her cheek, pressed it to his hps, and 
retired to demand his redeemed pledge in the most evident 
confusion. His mistress gaily smiled, and the game went on. 

"One of her rejected suitors who was of a merry, unthink- 
ing disposition, was adjudged by the same indiscreet crier of 
the forfeits as "his last treat before he hanged himself" to 
snatch a kiss from the object of his recent vows. A lively con- 
test ensued between the gentleman and lady, which lasted for 
more than a minute ; but the lady yielded, though in the midst 
of a convulsive laugh. 

"The Count had the mortification — the agony — to see the 
lips, which his passionate and delicate love would not permit 
him to touch, kissed with roughness, and repetition, by 
another man :— even by one whom he really despised. Mourn- 
fully and silently, without a word, he rose from his chair— left 
the room and the house. By that good-natured kiss the fair 
boast of Vienna lost her lover— lost her husband. The Count 

NEVER SAW HER MORE." 



SALMAOUJWL 131 



NO. XL-TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 1807. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUBA-DUB EELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

The deep shadows of midnight gather around me ; — the foot- 
steps of the passengers have ceased in the streets, and nothing 
disturbs the holy silence of the hour save the sound of distant 
drums, mingled with the shouts, the bawlings, and the discord- 
ant revelry of his majesty, the sovereign mob. Let the hour 
be sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, oh, thou 
brother of my inmost soul ! 

Oh, Asem ! I almost shrink at the recollection of the scenes 
of confusion, of licentious disorganization, which I have wit- 
nessed diu-ing the last three days. I have beheld this whole 
city, nay, this whole state, given up to the tongue, and the 
pen ; to the puffers, the bawlers, the babblers, and the slang- 
whangers. I have beheld the community convulsed with a 
civil war, or civil talk ; individuals verbally massacred, fami- 
lies annihilated by whole sheets full, and slang- whangers coolly 
bathing their pens in ink and rioting in the slaughter of their 
thousands. I have seen, in short, that awful despot, the peo- 
ple, in the moment of unlimited power, wielding newspapers 
in one hand, and with the other scattering mud and filth 
about, Mke some desperate lunatic reheved from the restraints 
of his straight waistcoat. I have seen beggars on horseback, 
ragamuffins riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of 
honour ; I have seen liberty ; I have seen equality ; I have seen 

fraternity! — I have seen that great political puppet-show 

AN election. 

A few days ago the friend, whom I have mentioned in some 
of my former letters, called upon me to accompany him to 



1^2 SALMAGUNDI. 

witness this grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied out to 
the polls, as he called them. Though for several weeks before 
this splendid exhibition, nothing else had been talked of, yet I 
do assure thee I was entirely ignorant of its nature ; and when, 
on coming up to a church, my companion informed me we 
were at the poll, I supposed that an election was some great 
religious ceremony like the fast of Eamazan, or the great fes- 
tival of Haraphat, so celebrated in the east. 

My friend, however, undeceived me at once, and entered 
into a long dissertation on the nature and object of an elec- 
tion, the substance of which was nearly to this effect : ' ' You 
know, " said he, ' ' that this country is engaged in a violent in- 
ternal warfare, and suffers a variety of evils from civil dissen- 
sions. An election is a grand trial of strength, the decisive 
battle, when the belligerents draw out their forces in martial 
array ; when every leader, burning with warlike ardour, and 
encouraged by the shouts and acclamations of tatterdemalions, 
buffoons, dependents, parasites, toad eaters, scrubs, vagrants, 
mumpers, ragamuffins, bravoes, and beggars, in his rear; and 
puffed up by his bellows-blowing slang- whangers, waves gal- 
lantly the banners of faction, and presses forward to office 

AND IMMORTALITY ! 

' ' For a month or two previous to the critical period which is 
to decide this important affair, the whole community is in a 
ferment. Every man, of whatever rank or degree, such is the 
wonderful patriotism of the people, disinterestedly neglects his 
business, to devote himself to his country ; — and not an insig- 
nificant fellow, but feels himself inspired, on this occasion, 
with as much warmth in favour of the cause he has espoused, 
as if all the comfort of his life, or even his life itself, was de- 
pendent on the issue. Grand councils of war are, in the first 
place, called by the different powers, which are dubbed gen- 
eral meetings, where all the head workmen of the party col- 
lect, and arrange the order of battle; — appoint the different 
commanders, and their subordinate instruments, and furnish 
the funds indispensable for supplying the expenses of the war. 
Inferior councils are next called in the different classes or 
wards; consisting of young cadets, who are candidates for 
offices ; idlers who come there for mere curiosity ; and orators 
who appear for the purpose of detailing all the crimes, thv 
faults, or the weaknesses of their opponents, and speaking the 
sense of the meeting, as it is called ; for as the meeting gen- 
erally consists of men whose quota of sense, taken individually 



SALMAGUNDI. I33 

would make but a poor figure, these orators a.re appointed to 
collect it all in a lump; when I assure you it makes a very 
formidable appearance, and furnishes sufficient matter to spin 
an oration of two or three hours. 

"The orators who declaim at these meetings are, with a 
few exceptions, men of most profound and perplexed elo- 
quence ; who are the oracles of barbers' shops, market-places, 
and porter-houses ; and who you may see every day at the 
corners of the streets, taking honest men prisoners by the but- 
ton, and talking their ribs quite bare without mercy and with- 
out end. These orators, in addressing an audience, generally 
mount a chair, a table, or an empty beer barrel, wliich last is 
supposed to afford considerable inspiration, and thunder away 
their combustible sentunents at the heads of the audience, 
who are generally so busily employed in smoking, drinking, 
and hearing themselves talk, that they seldom hear a word of 
the matter. Tliis, however, is of little moment; for as they 
come there to agree at all events to a certain set of resolutions, 
or articles of war, it is not at all necessary to hear the speech ; 
more especially as few would understand it if they did. Do 
not suppose, however, that the minor persons of the meeting 
are entirely idle. — Besides smoking and drinking, which are 
generally practised, there are few who do not come with as 
great a desire to tallc as the orator himself ; each has his httle 
circle of listeners, in the midst of whom he sets his hat on one 
side of his head, and deals out matter-of-fact information ; and 
dra^'^ self-evident conclusions, with the pertinacity of a ped- 
ant, and to the great edification of his gaping auditors. Nay, 
the very urchins from the nursery, who are scarcely eman- 
cipated from the dominion of birch, on these occasions strut 
pigmy great men ;— bellow for the instruction of gray-bearded 
ignorance, and, like the frog in the fable, endeavour to puff 
themselves up to the size of the great object of their emulation 
— the principal orator. " 

"But is it not preposterous to a degree," cried I, "for those 
puny whipsters to attempt to lecture age and experience? 
They should be sent to school to learn better." "Not at all," 
replied my friend; "for as an election is nothing more than a 
war of words, the man that can wag his tongue with the 
greatest elasticity, whether he speaks to the purpose or not, 
is entitled to lecture at ward meetings and polls, and instruct 
all who are inclined to listen to him : you may have remarked 
^ ward meeting of politic dogs, where although the great dog 



134 SALMAGUNDI. 

is, ostensibly, the leader, and makes the most noise, yet every 
httle scoundrel of a cur has something to say ; and in propor- 
tion to his insignificance, fidgets, and worries, and puffs about 
mightily, in order to obtain the notice and approbation of his 
betters. Thus it is with these little, beardless, bread-and-but- 
ter politicians who, on this occasion, escape from the jurisdic- 
tion of their mammas to attend to the affairs of the nation. 
You will see them engaged in dreadful wordy contest with old 
cartmen, cobblers, and tailors, and plume themselves not a lit- 
tle if they should chance to gain a victory. — Aspiring spirits! 
how interesting are the first dawnings of political greatness ! 
an election, my friend, is a nursery or hot-bed of genius in a 
logocracy; and I look with enthusiasm on a troop of these 
Lilliputian partisans, as so many chatterers, and orators, and 
puffers, and slang- whangers in embryo, who will one day take 
an important part in the quarrels, and wordy wars of their 
country. 

' ' As the time for fighting the decisive battle approaches, ap- 
pearances become more and more alarixdng; committees are 
appointed, who hold little encampments from whence they 
send out small detachments of tattlers, to reconnoitre, harass, 
and skirmish with the enemy, and if possible, ascertain their 
numbers ; every body seems big with the mighty event that is 
impending ; the orators they gradually swell up beyond their 
usual size; the little orators they grow greater and greater; 
the secretaries of the ward comnuttees strut about looking like 
wooden oracles ; the puffers put on the airs of mighty conse- 
quence; the slang- whangers deal out direful innuendoes, and 
threats of doughty import ; and all is buzz, murmur, suspense, 
and sublimity ! 

"At length the day arrives. The storm that has been so 
long gathering, and threatening in distant thunders, bursts 
forth in terrible explosion : all business is at an end ; the whole 
city is in a tumult ; the people are running helter-skelter, they 
know not whither, and they know not why; the hackney 
coaches rattle through the streets with thundering vehe- 
mence, loaded with recruiting Serjeants who have been prowl- 
ing in cellars and caves, to unearth some miserable minion of 
poverty and ignorance, who will barter his vote for a glass of 
beer, or a ride in a coach with such fine gentlemen I — the buz- 
zards of the party scamper from poll to poU, on foot or on 
horseback ; and they worry from committee to committee, and 
buzz, and fume, and talk big, and — do nothing : like the vaga- 



SALMA G UNDL I35 

bond drone, who wastes his time in the laborious idleness of 
see-saw-song, and busy nothingness." 

I know not how long my friend would have continued his 
detail, had he not been interrupted by a squabble which took 
placej between two old continentals^ as they were called. It 
seems they had entered into an argument on the respective 
merits of their cause, and not being able to make each other 
clearly understood, resorted to what is called knock-down ar- 
guments, which form the superlative degree of argumentum 
ad hominem ; but are, in my opinion, extremely inconsistent 
with the true spirit of a genuine logocracy. After they had 
beaten each other soundly, and set the whole mob together by 
the ears, they came to a full explanation ; when it was discov- 
ered that they were both of the same way of thinking; — where- 
upon they shook each other heartily by the hand, and laughed 
with great glee at their humorous misunderstanding. 

I could not help being struck with the exceeding great num- 
ber of ragged, dirty-looking persons that swaggered about the 
place and seemed to think themselves the bashaws of the land. 
I inquired of my friend, if these people were employed to drive 
away the hogs, dogs, and other intruders that might thrust 
themselves in and interrupt the ceremony? "By no means," 
replied he ; " these are the representatives- of the sovereign 
people, who come here to make governors, senators, and mem- 
bers of assembly, and are the source of all power and authority 
in this nation." "Preposterous!" said I, "how is it possible 
that such men can be capable of distinguishing between an 
honest man and a knave; or even if they were, will it not 
always happen that they are led by the nose by some intrig- 
uing demagogue, and made the mere tools of ambitious political 
jugglers? Surely it would be better to trust to providence, or 
even to chance, for governors, than resort to the discriminat- 
ing powers of an ignorant mob. — I plainly perceive the con- 
sequence. A man who possesses superior talents, and that 
honest pride which ever accompanies this possession, will al- 
ways be sacrificed to some creeping insect who will prostitute 
himself to familiarity with the lowest of mankind ; and, like 
the idolatrous Egyptian, worship the wallowing tenants of 
filth and mire. " 

" All this is true enough," replied my friend, "but after all, 
you cannot say but that this is a free country, and that the 
people can get drunk cheaper here, particularly at elections, 
than in the despotic countries of the east." I could not, with 



136 SALMAGUNDI. 

any degree of propriety or truth, deny this last assertion ; f oi* 
just at that moment a patriotic brewer arrived with a load of 
beer, which, for a moment, occasioned a cessation of argu- 
ment. The great crowd of buzzards, puffers, and "old con- 
tinentals " of all parties, who throng to the polls, to persuade, 
to cheat, or to force the freeholders into the right way, and to 
maintain the freedom of suffrage, seemed for a moment to for- 
get their antipathies and joined, heartily, in a copious libation 
of this patriotic and argumentative beverage. 

These beer-barrels indeed seem to be most able logicians, 
well stored with that kind of sound argument best suited to 
the comprehension, and most relished by the mob, or sovereign 
people ; who are never so tractable as when operated upon by 
this convincing liquor, which, in fact, seems to be imbued 
with the very spirit of a logocracy. No sooner does it begin 
its operation, than the tongue waxes exceeding valorous, and 
becomes impatient for some mighty conflict. The puffer puts 
himself at the head of his body-guard of buzzards, and his 
legion of ragamuffins, and wo then to every unhappy adver- 
sary who is uninspired by the deity of the beer-barrel — he is 
sure to be talked and argued into complete insignificance. 

While I was making these observations, I was surprised to 
observe a bashaw; high in office, shaking a fellow by the hand, 
that looked rather more ragged than a scare-crow, and inquir- 
ing with apparent solicitude concerning the health of his 
family; after which he slipped a little folded paper into his 
hand, and turned away. I could not help applauding his 
humility in shaking the fellow's hand, and his benevolence in 
relieving his distresses, for I imagined the paper contained 
something for the poor man's necessities ; and truly he seemed 
verging towards the last stage of starvation. My friend, how- 
ever, soon undeceived me by saying that this was an elector, 
and that the bashaw had merely given him the list of candi- 
dates for whom he was to vote. "Ho! ho!" said I, "then he 
is a particular friend of the bashaw?" " By no means," replied 
my friend, "the bashaw will pass him without notice the day 
after the election, except, perhaps, just to drive over him with 
his coach." 

My friend then proceeded to inform me that for some time 
before, and during the continuance of an election, there was a 
most delectable courtship, or intrigue, carried on between the 
great bashaws and the mother mob. That mother mob gener- 
ally preferred the attentions of the rabble, or of fellows of hei 



SALMAGUNDI. 137 

own stamp ; but would sometimes condescend to be treated to a 
feasting, or any thing of that kind, at the bashaw's expense ; 
nay, sometimes when she was in good humour, she would con- 
descend to toy with them in her rough way : — but wo be to the 
bashaw who attempted to be familiar with her, for she was the 
most pestilent, cross, crabbed, scolding, thieving, scratching, 
toping, wrong-headed, rebellious, and abominable termagant 
that ever was let loose in the world, to the confusion of honest 
gentlemen bashaws. 

Just then a fellow came round and distributed among the 
crowd a number of hand-bills, written by the ghost of Wash- 
ington, the fame of whose illustrious actions, and still more 
illustrious virtues, has reached even the remotest regions of 
the east, and who is venerated by this people as the Father of 
his country. On reading this paltry paper, I could not re- 
strain my indignation. "Insulted hero," cried I, "is it thus 
thy name is profaned, thy memory disgraced, thy spirit drawn 
down from heaven to administer to the brutal violence of 
party rage ! — It is thus the necromancers of the east, by their 
infernal incantations, sometimes call up the shades of the just, 
to give their sanction to frauds, to lies, and to every species of 
enormity." My friend smiled at my warmth, and observed, 
that raising ghosts, and not only raising them, but making them 
speak, was one of the miracles of elections. ' ' And believe 
me," continued he, "there is good reason for the ashes of 
departed heroes being disturbed on these occasions, for such 
is the sandy foundation of our government, that there never 
happens an election of an alderman, or a collector, or even a 
constable, but we are in imminent danger of losing our liber- 
ties, and becoming a province of France, or tributary to the 
British islands." "By the hump of Mahomet's camel," said I, 
"but this is only another striking example of the prodigious 
great scale on which every thing is transacted in this country !" 

By this time, I had become tired of the scene; my head 
ached with the uproar of voices, mingling in all the discordant 
tones of triumphant exclamation, nonsensical argument, in- 
temperate reproach, and drunken absurdity.— The confusion 
was such as no language can adequately describe, and it seemed 
as if all the restraints of decency, and all the bands of law, 
had been broken, and given place to the wide ravages of licen- 
tious brutality. These, thought I, are the orgies of liberty! 
these are the manifestations of the spirit of independence! 
these are the symbols of man's sovereignty ! Head of Maho- 



;^38 SALMAGUNDI. 

met! with what a fatal and inexorable despotism do empty 
names and ideal phantoms exercise their dominion over the 
human mind ! The experience of ages has demonstrated, that 
in all nations, barbarous or enlightened, the mass of the people, 
the mob, must be slaves, or they will be tyrants; but their 
tyranny will not be long:— some ambitious leader, having at 
first condescended to be their slave, will at length become their 
master ; and in proportion to the vileness of his former servi- 
tude, will be the severity of his subsequent tyranny.— Yet, 
with innumerable examples staring them in the face, the 
people still bawl out liberty ; by which they mean nothing but 
freedom from every species of legal restraint, and a warrant 
for all kinds of licentiousness : and the bashaws and leaders, 
in courting the mob, convince them of their power; and by 
administering to their passions, for the purposes of ambition, 
at length learn, by fatal experience, that he who worships the 
beast that carries him on his back, will sooner or later be 
thrown into the dust and trampled under foot by the animal 
who has learnt the secret of its power by this very adoration. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

MINE UNCLE JOHN. 

To those whose habits of abstraction may have led them 
into some of the secrets of their own minds, and whose free- 
dom from daily toil has left them at leisure to analyze their 
feelings, it will be nothing new to say that the present is pecu- 
liarly the season of remembrance. The flowers, the zephyrs, 
and the warblers of spring, returning after their tedious ab- 
sence, bring naturally to our recollection past times and buried 
feeUngs; and the whispers of the full-foliaged grove, fall on 
the ear of contemplation, like the sweet tones of far distant 
friends whom the rude j ostlers of the world have severed from 
us and cast far beyond our reach. It is at such times, that 
casting backward many a lingering look we recall, with a 
kind of sweet-souled melancholy, the days of our youth, and 
the jocund companions who started with us the race of life, 
but parted midway in the journey to pursue some winding 



MLMAOUltDI. 139 

path that allured them with a prospect more seducing— and 
never returned to us again. It is then, too, if we have been 
afflicted with any heavy sorrow, if we have even lost— and 
who has not! — an old friend, or chosen companion, that his 
shade will ^hover around us; the memory of his virtues press 
on the heart ; and a thousand endearing recollections, forgotten 
amidst the cold pleasures and midnight dissipations of winter, 
arise to our remembrance. 

These speculations bring to my mind my uncle john, the 
history of whose loves, and disappointments, I have promised 
to the world. Though I must own myself much addicted to 
forgetting my promises, yet, as I have been so happily re- 
minded of this, I believe I must pay it at once, "and there is 
an end." Lest my readers — good-natured souls that they are! 
—should, in the ardour of peeping into millstones, take my 
uncle for an old acquaintance, I here inform them, that the 
old gentleman died a great many years ago, and it is impossi- 
ble they should ever have known him : — I pity them — for they 
would have known a good-natured, benevolent man, whose 
example might have been of service. 

The last time I saw my uncle John was fifteen years ago, 
when I paid him a visit at his old mansion. I found him read- 
ing a newspaper— for it was election time, and he was always 
a warm federahst, and had made several converts to the true 
political faith in his time ; — particularly one old tenant, who 
always, just before the election, became a violent anti; — in 
order that he might be convinced of his errors by my uncle, 
who never failed to reward his conviction by some substantial 
benefit. 

After we had settled the affairs of the nation, and I had paid 
my respects to the old family chronicles in the kitchen,— an 
indispensable ceremony,— the old gentleman exclaimed, with 
heart-felt glee, "Well, I suppose you are for a trout -fishing ;— 
I have got every thing prepared ;— but first you must take a 
walk with me to see my improvements." I was obliged to 
consent; though I knew my uncle would lead me a most 
villainous dance, and in all probability treat me to a quagmire, 
or a tumble into a ditch. If my readers choose to accompany 
me in this expedition, they are welcome ; if not, let them stay 
at home like lazy fellows— and sleep— or be hanged. 

Though I had been absent several years, yet there was very 
little alteration in the scenery, and every object retained the 
/same features it bore when I was a school-boy: for it was in 



i40 BALMAOtJNDl 

this spot that I grew up in the fear of ghosts, and in the "breaTi- 
ing of many of the ten commandments. The brook, or river 
as they would call it in Europe, still murmured with its wonted 
sweetness through the meadow ; and its banks were still tufted 
with dwarf willows, that bent down to the surface. The same 
echo inhabited the. valley, and the same tender air of repose 
pervaded the whole scene. Even my good imcle was but little 
altered, except that his hair was grown a Httle grayer, and his 
forehead had lost some of its former smoothness. He had, 
however, lost nothing of his former activity, and laughed 
heartily at the difficulty I found in keeping up with him as he 
stumped through bushes, and briers, and hedges; talking all 
the time about his improvements, and telling what he would 
do with such a spot of ground and such a tree. At length, 
after showing me his stone fences, liis famous two-year-old 
bull, his new invented cart, which was to go before the horse, 
and his Eclipse colt, he was pleased to return home to dinner. 

After dinner and returning thanks, — which with him was 
not a ceremony merely, but an offering from the heart, — my 
imcle opened his trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, with- 
out saying a word, sallied forth with some of those truly 
alarming steps which Daddy Neptune once took when he was 
in a great hurry to attend to the affair of the siege of Troy. 
Trout-fishing was my uncle's favourite sport ; and, though I 
always caught two fish to his one, he never would acknowl- 
edge my superiority ; but puzzled himself often and often to 
account for such a singular phenomenon. 

Following the current of the brook for a mile or two, we re- 
traced many of our old haunts, and told a hundred adventures 
which had befallen us at different times. It was like snatch- 
ing the hour-glass of time, inverting it, and roUing back again 
the sands that had marked the lapse of years. At length the 
shadows 'began to lengthen, the south-wind gradually settled 
into a perfect calm, the sun threw his rays through the trees 
on the hill-tops in golden lustre, and a kind of Sabbath still- 
ness pervaded the whole valley, indicating that the hour was 
fast approaching which was to relieve for a while the farmer 
from his rural labour, the ox from his toil, the school-urchin 
from his primer, and bring the loving ploughman home to the 
feet of his blooming dairymaid. 

As we were watching in silence the last rays of the sun, 
beaming their farewell radiance on the high hills at a distance, 
my uncle exclaimed, in a kind of half -desponding tone, while 



SALMAGUNDI. 141 

he rested his arm over an old tree that had fallen— ''I know 
not how it is, my dear Launce, but such an evening, and such 
a still quiet scene as this, always make me a little sad ; and it 
is, at such a time, I am most apt to look forward with regret 
to the period when this farm, on which " I have been young, 
but now am old," and every object around me that is endeared 
by long acquaintance, — when all these and I must shake hands 
and part. I have no fear of death, for my life has afforded 
but httle temptation to wickedness ; and when I die, I hope to 
leave behind me more substantial proofs of virtue than will 
be found in my epitaph, and more lasting memorials than 
churches built or hospitals endowed ; with wealth wrung from 
the hard hand of poverty by an unfeeling landlord or unprin- 
cipled knave ; — but still, when I pass such a day as this and 
contemplate such a scene, I cannot help feeling a latent wish 
to linger yet a little longer in this peaceful asylum ; to enjoy a 
little more sunshine in this world, and to have a few more 
fishing-matches with my boy." As he ended he raised his 
hand a little from the fallen tree, and dropping it languidly by 
his side, turned himself towards home. The sentiment, the 
look, the action, all seemed to be prophetic. And so they 
were, for when I shook him by the hand and bade him fare- 
well the next morning— it was for the last time ! 

He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty-three, though he had 
been all his life trying to get married; and always thought 
himself on the point of accomplishing his wishes. His dis- 
appointments were not owing either to the deformity of his 
mind or person ; for in his youth he was reckoned handsome, 
and I myself can witness for him that he had as kind a heart 
as ever was fashioned by heaven ; neither were they owing to 
his poverty,— which sometimes stands in an honest man's 
way; — for he was born to the inheritance of a small estate 
which was sufficient to establish his claim to the title of ' ' one 
well-to-do in the world. " The truth is, my uncle had a prodig- 
ious antipathy to doing things in a hurry.— "A man should 
consider," said he to me once—" that he can always get a wife, 
but cannot always get rid of her. For my part," continued 
he, ''I am a young fellow, with the world before me,"— he was 
but about forty!— ''and am resolved to look sharp, weigh 
matters well, and know what's what, before I marry: — in 
short, Launce, I don't intend to do the thing in a hurry., depend 
upon it. ^^ On this whim- wham, he proceeded: he began with 
young .edrls, and ended with widows. The girls he courted 
until they <^^^^^ old maids, or married out of pure apprehen* 



142 SALMAGtiNDi. 

sion of incurring certain penalties hereafter; and the widows 
not having quite as much patience, generally, at the end of a 
year, while the good man thought himself in the high road to 
success, married some harum-scarum young fellow, who had 
not such an antipathy to doing things in a hurry. 

My uncle would have inevitably sunk under these repeated 
disappointments — for he did not want sensibility— had he not 
hit upon a discovery which set all to rights at once. He con- 
soled his vanity,— for he was a Httle vain, and soothed his 
pride, which was his master-passion, — by telling his friends 
very significantly, while his eye would flash triumph, " that he 
might have had her^ — Those who know how much of the bitter- 
ness of disappointed affection arises from wounded vanity and 
exasperated pride, will give my uncle credit for this discovery. 

My uncle had been told by a prodigious number of married 
men, and had read in an innumerable quantity of books, that 
a man could not possibly be happy except in the married state ; 
so he determined at an early age to marry, that he might not 
lose his only chance for happiness. He accordingly forthwith 
paid his addresses to the daughter of a neighbouring gentleman 
farmer, who was reckoned the beauty of the whole world ; a 
phrase by which the honest country people mean nothing more 
than the circle of their acquaintance, or that territory of land 
which is within sight of the smoke of their own hamlet. 

This young lady, in addition to her beauty, was highly ac- 
compHshed, for she had spent five or six months at a boarding- 
school in town ; where she learned to work pictures in satin, 
and paint sheep that might be mistaken for wolves ; to hold up 
her head, sit straight in her chair, and to think every species 
of useful acquirement beneath her attention. When she re- 
turned home, so completely had she forgotten every thing she 
knew before, that on seeing one of the maids milking a cow, 
she asked her father, with an air of most enchanting ignorance, 
"what that odd-looking thing was doing to that queer animal?" 
The old man shook his head at this ; but the mother was de- 
lighted at these symptoms of gentihty, and so enamoured of 
her daughter's accomplishments that she actually got framed a 
picture worked in satin by the young lady. It represented 
the Tomb Scene in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was dressed in 
an orange-coloured cloak, fastened round his neck with a large 
golden clasp; a white satin tamboured waistcoat, leather 
breeches, blue silk stockings, and white topt boots. The ami- 
able Juliet shone in a flame-coloured gown, most gorgeously 
bespangled with silver stars, a high-crowned muslin cap that 



SALMAGUNDI. I43 

reached to the top of the tomb ;— on her feet she wore a pair of 
short-quartered, high-heeled shoes, and her waist was the exact 
fac-simile of an inverted sugar-loaf. The head of the "noble 
county Paris" looked like a chimney-sweeper's brush that had 
lost its handle ; and the cloak of the good Friar hung about him 
as gracefully as the armour of a rhinoceros. The good lady 
considered this picture as a splendid proof of her daughter's 
accomplishments, and hung it up in the best parlour, as an 
honest tradesman does his certificate of admission mto that en 
lightened body yclept the Mechanic Society. 

With this accomplished young lady then did my uncle John 
become aeeply enamoured, and as it was his first love, he de- 
termined to bestir himself in an extraordinary manner. Once 
at least in a fortnight, and generally on a Sunday evening, he 
would put on his leather breeches, for he was a great beau, 
mount his gray horse Pepper, and ride over to see Miss Pamela, 
though she lived upwards of a mile off, and he was obliged to 
pass close by a church-yard, which at least a hundred credita- 
ble persons would swear was haunted ! — Miss Pamela could not 
be insensible to such proofs of attachment, and accordingly 
received him with considerable kindness ; her mother always 
left the room when he came, and my uncle had as good as 
made a declaration, by saying one evening, very signifi- 
cantly, " that he beheved that he should soon change his con- 
dition ;" when, some how or other, he began to think he was 
doing things in too great a hurry ^ and that it was high time to 
consider ; so he considered near a month about it, and there is 
no saying how much longer he might have spun the thread of 
his doubts had he not been roused from this state of indecision 
by the news that his mistress had married an attorney's ap- 
prentice whom she had seen the Sunday before at church ; where 
he had excited the applause of the whole congregation by the 
invincible gravity with which he listened to a Dutch sermon. 
The young people in the neighbourhood laughed a good deal at 
my uncle on the occasion, but he only shrugged his shoulders, 
looked mysterious, and replied, " Tut^ hoys! I might have had 
her.^'' 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Our publisher, who is busily engaged in printing a celebrated work, which is per- 
haps more generally read in tnis city than any other book, not excepting the Bible; 
—I mean the New York Directory— has begged so hard that we will not overwhelm 
him with too much of a good thing, that we have, with Langstaff's approbation, 
cut short the residue of uncle John's amours. In all probability it will be given in 
a future number, whenever Launcelot is in the hixmour for it— he is such an odd— 
but. mum— for fear of another suspension. 



144 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XII -SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. 



FROM IVIY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Some men delight in the study of plants, in the dissection of 
a leaf , or the contour and complexion of a tuhp;— others are 
charmed with the beauties of the feathered race, or the varied 
hues of the insect tribe. A naturalist will spend hours in the 
fatiguing pursuit of a butterfly, and a man of the ton will 
waste whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I feel a respect 
for their avocations, for my own are somewhat similar. I love 
to open the great volume of human character : — to me the ex- 
amination of a beau is more interesting than that of a Daffodil 
or Narcissus; and I feel a thousand times more pleasure in 
catching a new view of human nature, than in kidnapping the 
most gorgeous butterfly, — even an Emperor of Morocco himself ! 

In my present situation I have ample room for the indul- 
gence of this taste ; for, perhaps, there is not a house in this 
city more fertile in subjects for the anatomist of human char- 
acter, than my cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I 
have before mentioned, is one of those hearty old cavahers 
who pride themselves upon keeping up the good, honest, un- 
ceremonious hospitality of old times. — He is never so happy as 
when he has drawn about him a knot of sterling-hearted asso- 
ciates, and sits at the head of his table dispensing a warm, 
cheering welcome to all. His countenance expands at every 
glass and beams forth emanations of hilarity, benevolence, and 
good-fellowship, that inspire and gladden every guest around 
him. It is no wonder, therefore, that such excellent social 
qualities should attract a host of friends and guests ; in fact, 
my cousin is almost overwhelmed with them ; and they all, 
uniformly, pronounce old Cockloft to be one of the finest old 
fellows in the world. His wine also always comes in for a good 
share of their approbation ; nor do they forget to do honour to 



SALMAGUNDI. 145 

Mrs. Cockloft's cookery, pronouncing it to be modelled after 
the most approved recipes of Heliogabulus and Mrs. Glasse. 
The variety of company thus attracted is particularly pleasing 
to me ; for, being considered a privileged person in the family, 
I can sit in a corner, indulge in my favourite amusement of 
observation, and retreat to my elbow-chair, like a bee to his 
hive, whenever I have collected sufficient food for meditation. 

Will Wizard is particularly effi^:ient in adding to the stock 
of originals which frequent our house : for he is one of the most 
inveterate hunters of oddities I evsr knew ; and his first care, 
on making a new acquaintance, in to gallant him to old Cock- 
loft's, where he never fails to receive the freedom of the house 
in a pinch from his gold box. Will has, without exception, 
the queerest, most eccentric, and mdescribable set of intimates 
that ever man possessed ; how he became acquainted with them 
I cannot conceive, except by supposing there is a secret attrac- 
tion or unintelligible sympathy that unconsciously draws to- 
gether oddities of every soil. 

Will's great cronj^ for some time was Tom Straddle, to whom 
he really took a great liking. Straddle had just arrived in an 
importation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, 
or rather, as the most learned English would call it, Brumma- 
gem, so famous for its manufactones of gimblets, pen-knives, 
and pepper-boxes ; and where they make buttons and beaux 
enough to inundate our whole country. He was a young man 
of considerable standing in the manufactory at Birmingham, 
sometimes had the honour to hand his master's daughter into 
a tim- whiskey, was the oracle of the tavern he frequented on 
Sundays, and could beat all his associates, if you would take 
his word for it, in boxing, beer- drinking, jumping over chairs, 
and imitating cats in a gutter and opera singers. Straddle 
was, moreover, a member of a Catch-club, and was a great 
hand at ringing bob-majors ; he was, of course, a complete con- 
noisseur of music, and entitled to assume that character at all 
performances in the art. He was likewise a member of a 
Spouting-club, had seen a company of strolling actors perform 
in a barn,- and had even, like Abel Drugger, " enacted" the part 
of Major Sturgeon with considerable applause ; he was conse- 
quently a profound critic, and fully authorized to turn up his 
nose at any American performances. — He had twice partaken 
of annual dinners, given to the head manufacturers of Birming- 
ham, where he had the good fortune to get a taste of turtle 
and turbot ; and a smack of Champaign and Burgundy ; and he 



146 SALMAGUNDI. 

had heard a vast deal of the roast beef of Old England ; he was 

therefore epicure sufficient to d n every dish, and every 

glass of wine, he tasted in America ; though at the same time 
he was as voracious an animal as ever crossed the Atlantic. 
Straddle had been splashed half a dozen times by the carriages 
of nobihty, and had once the superlative felicity of being 
kicked out of doors by the footman of a noble Duke ; he could, 
therefore, talk of nobihty and despise the untitled plebeians of 
America. In short, Straddle was one of those dapper, bustling, 
florid, round, self-important ' ' gemmen''' who bounce upon us 
half beau, half button-maker; undertake to give us the true 
polish of the bon-ton, and endeavour to inspire us with a pro- 
per and dignified contempt of our native country. 

Straddle was quite in raptures when his employers deter- 
mined to send him to America as an agent. He considered 
himself as going among a nation of barbarians, where he would 
be i-eceived as a prodigy ; he anticipated, with a proud satisfac- 
tion, the bustle and confusion his arrival would occasion ; the 
crowd that would throng to gaze at him as he passed through 
the streets ; and had little doubt but that he should occasion as 
much curiosity as an Indian-chief or a Turk in the streets of 
Birmingham. He had heard of the beauty of our women, and 
chuckled at the thought of how completely he should echpse 
their unpolished beaux, and the number of despairing lovers 
that would moiurn the hour of his arrival. I am even informed 
by Will Wizard that he put good store of beads, spike-nails, 
and looking-glasses in his trunk to win the affections of the 
fair ones as they paddled about in their bark canoes ; — the rea- 
son Will gave for this error of Straddle's, respecting our ladies, 
was, that he had read in Guthrie's Geography that the abo- 
rigines of America were all savages, and not exactly under- 
standing the word aborigines, he applied to one of his fellow 
apprentices, who assured him that it was the Latin word for 
inhabitants. 

Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Straddle, which 
always put him in a passion ; Will swore that the captain of 
the ship told him, that when Straddle heard they were off the 
banks of Newfoundland, he insisted upon going on shore there 
to gather some good cabbages, of which he was excessively 
fond ; Straddle, however, denied all this, and declared it to be 
a mischievous quiz of Will Wizard ; who indeed often made 
himself merry at his expense. However this may be, certain 
it is, he kept his tailor and shoemaker constantly employed for 



Mlma G UNbL 147 

a month before his departure ; equipped himself with a smart 
crooked stick about eighteen inches long, a pair of breeches of 
most unheard-of length, a httle short pair of Hoby's white- 
topped boots, that seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his 
breeches, and his hat had the true trans-atlantic dechnation 
towards his right ear. The fact was, nor did he make any se 
cret of it— he was determined to " asto7iish the natives afewP^ 
Straddle was not a little disappointed on his arrival, to find 
the Americans were rather more civihzed than he had imag- 
ined ;— he was suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a 
crowd, and even unnoticed by a single individual ;— no love- 
letters came pouring in upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to 
assassinate him ; his very dress excited no attention, for there 
were many fools dressed equally ridiculously with himself. 
This was mortifying indeed to an aspiring youth, who had 
come out with the idea of astonishing and captivating. 
He was equally unfortunate in his pretensions to the char- 
acter of critic, connoisseur, and boxer; he condemned our 
whole dramatic corps, and everything appertaining to the 
theatre; but his critical abihties were ridiculed -he found fault 
with old Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing his wine, and was 
never invited to the house afterwards; -he scoured the streets 
at night, and wascudgeUed by a sturdy watchman ;— he hoaxed 
an honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. Thus disap- 
pointed in all his attempts at notoriety. Straddle hit on the ex- 
pedient which was resorted to by the Giblets— he determined 
to take the town by storm.— He accordingly bought horses and 
equipages, and forthwith made a furious dash at style in a gig 
and tandem. 

As Straddle's finances were but limited, it may easily be sup- 
posed that his fashionable career infringed a Mttle upon his con- 
signment, which was indeed the case, for, to use a true cockney 
phrase, Brummagem suffered. But this was a circumstance 
that made little impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad 
of spirit, and lads of spirit always despise the sordid cares of 
keeping another man's money. Suspecting this circumstance, 
I never could witness any of his exhibitions of style, without 
some whimsical association of ideas. Did he give an entertain- 
roent to a host of guzzling friends, I immediately fancied them 
gormandizing heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, 
and swallowing a consignment of hand-saws and razors. Did 
I behold him dashing through Broadway in his gig, I saw him, 
J' in my mind's eye," driving tandem on a nest of tea-boards'; 



148 SALMAGUNDI 

nor could I ever contemplate his cockney exhibitions of horse^ 
inanship, but my mischievous imagination would picture him 
spurring a cask of hardware like rosy Bacchus bestriding a 
beer barrel, or the little gentleman who bestraddles the world 
in the front of Hutching's almanac. 

Straddle was equally successful with the Giblets, as may 
well be supposed ; for though pedestrian merit may strive in 
vain to become fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in an 
equipage is always recognized, and Hke Philip's ass, laden 
7\ath gold, will gain admittance every where. Mounted in his 
curricle or his gig, the candidate is like a statue deviated on, a 
high pedestal ; his merits are discernible from afar, and strike 
the dullest optics. Oh! Gotham, Gotham! most enhghtened 
of cities ! — how does my heart swell with delight when I be- 
hold your sapient inhabitants lavishing their attention with 
such wonderful discernment ! 

Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and was caressed, 
and courted, and invited to dinners and balls. Whatever was 
absurd and ridiculous in him before, was now declared to be 
the style. He criticised our theatre, and was hstened to with 
reverence. He pronounced our musical entertainments bar- 
barous ; and the judgment of Apollo himself would not have 
been more decisive. He abused our dinners ; and the god of 
eating, if there be any such deity, seemed to speak through his 
organs. He became at once a man of taste, for he put his 
malediction on every thing; and his arguments were conclus- 
ve, for he supported every assertion with a bet. He was like- 
wise pronounced, by the learned in the fashionable world, a 
young man of great research and deep observation ; for he had 
sent home, as natural curiosities, an ear of Indian corn, a pair 
of moccasons, a belt of wampum, and a four-leaved clover. He 
had taken gi^eat pains to enrich this curious collection with an 
Indian, and a cataract, but without success. In fine, the peo- 
ple talked of Straddle and his equipage, and Straddle talked of 
his horses, until it was impossible for the most critical observer 
to pronounce, whether Straddle or his horses wer^ most ad- 
mired, or whether Straddle admired himself or his horses most. 

Straddle was noAv in the zenith of his glory. He swaggered 
about parlours and drawing-rooms Avith the same unceremoni- 
ous confidence he used to display in the taverns at Birming- 
ham. He accosted a lady as he w^ould a bar-maid, and this 
was pronounced a certain proof that he had been used to bet- 
ter company in Birmingham. He became the great man of aU 



SALMAGUNDI. I49 

the taverns between New- York and Harlem, and no one stood 
a chance of bemg accommodated, until Straddle and his horses 

were perfectly satisfied. He d d the landlords and waiters, 

with the best air in the world, and accosted them with the 
true gentlemanly familiarity. He staggered from the dinner 
table to the play, entered the box hke a tempest, and staid 
long enough to be bored to death, and to bore all those who had 
the misfortune to be near him. From thence he dashed off to a 
ball, time enough to flounder through a cotillion, tear half a 
dozen gowns, commit a number of other depredations, and 
make the whole company sensible of his infinite condescension 
in coming amongst them. The people of Gotham thought him 
a prodigious fine fellow; the young bucks cultivated his 
acquaintance with the most persevering assiduity, and his 
retainers were sometimes complimented with a seat in his cur- 
ricle, or a ride on one of his fine horses. The belles were 
delighted with the attentions of such a fashionable gentleman, 
and struck with astonishment at his learned distinctions be- 
tween wrought scissors and those of cast-steel ; together with 
his profound dissertations on buttons and horse-flesh. The 
rich merchants courted his acquaintance because he was an 
Enghslmian, and their wives treated him with great deference, 
because he had come from beyond seas. I cannot help here 
observing, that your salt water is a marvellous great sharpener 
of men's wits, and I intend to recommend it to some of my 
acquaintances in a particular essay. 

Straddle continued his brilliant career for only a short time. 
His prosperous journey over the turnpike of fashion was 
checked by some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspir- 
ing youth, called creditors— or duns ;— a race of people, who, 
as a celebrated writer observes, "are hated by gods and men." 
Consignments slackened, whispers of distant suspicion floated 
in the dark, and those pests of society, the tailors and shoe- 
makers, rose in rebellion against Straddle. In vain were all 
his remonstrances, in vain did he prove to them that though 
he had given them no money, yet he "had given them more 
custom, and as many promises, as any youn^ man in the city. 
They were inflexible, and the signal of danger being given, 
a host of other prosecutors pounced upon his back. Straddle 
saw there was but one way for it ; he determined to do the 
thing genteelly, to go to smash hke a hero, and dashed into the 
limits in high style, being the fifteenth gentleman I have 
known to drive tandem to the— ne plus ultra— t\iQ d 1. 



150 8ALMAGUNM. 

Unfortunate Straddle ! may thy fate be a warning to all 
young gentlemen who come out from Birmingham to aston- 
ish the natives! — I should never have taken the trouble to 
dilineate his character had he not been a genuine cockney, 
and worthy to be the representative of his numerous tribe. 
Perhaps my simple countrymen may hereafter be able to 
distinguish between the real English gentleman, and indi- 
viduals of the cast I have heretofore spoken of, as mere mon- 
grels, springing at one bound from contemptible obscurity at 
home, to day-hght and splendour in this good-natured land. 
The true-born and true-bred English gentleman is a character 
I hold in great respect ; and I love to look back to the period 
when our forefathers flourished in the same generous soil, and 
hailed each other as brothers. But the cockney ! — when I con- 
template him as springing too from the same source, I feel 
ashamed of the relationship, and am tempted to deny my ori- 
gin. In the character of Straddle is traced the complete out- 
line of a true cockney, of English growth, and a descendant of 
that individual facetious character mentioned by Shakspeare, 
^'"who in pure kindness to his horse, buttered his hay.'''' 



THE STRANGER AT HOME; or, A TOUR IN BROAD- 
WAY. 

by jeremy cockloft, the younger. 

Preface. 

Your learned traveller begins his travels at the commence- 
ment of his journey; others begin theirs at the end; and a 
third class begin any how and any where, which I think is the 
true way. A late facetious writer begins what he calls ' ' a Pic- 
ture of New York," with a particular description of Glen's 
Falls, from whence with admirable dexterity he makes a 
digression to the celebrated Mill Rock, on Long-Island ! Now 
this is what I like ; and I intend, in my present tour, to digress 
as often and as long as I please. If, therefore, I choose to 
make a hop, skip, and jump, to China, or New-Holland, or 
Terra Incognita, or Communipaw, I can produce a host of 



SALMAGUNDI. ^^\ 

examples to justify me, even in books that have been praised 
by the EngHsh reviewers, whose ^a^ being all that is necessary 
to give books a currency in this country, I am determined, as 
soon as I finish my edition of travels in seventy-five volumes, 
to transmit it forthwith to them for judgment. If these trans- 
atlantic censors praise it, I have no fear of its success in this 
country, where their approbation gives, hke the tower stamp, 
a fictitious value, and makes tinsel and wampum pass current 
for classic gold. 

Chapter I. 

Battery — flag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee— Keaffee main- 
tains two spy-glasses by subscriptions— merchants pa.y two 
shillings a-year to look through them at the signal poles on 
Staten-Island— a very pleasant prospect ; but not so pleasant 
as that from the hill of Howth— quere, ever been there? — 
Young seniors go down to the flag-staff to buy peanuts and 
beer, after the fatigue of their morning studies, and sometimes 
to play at ball, or some other innocent amusement— digression 
to the Olympic, and Isthmian games, with a description of the 
Isthmus of Corinth, and that of Darien : to conclude with a dis- 
sertation on the Indian custom of offering a whiff of tobacco 
smoke to their great spirit, Areskou.— Return to the battery — 
delightful place to indulge in the luxury of sentiment— How 
various are the mutations of this world ! but a few days, a few 
hours — at least not above two hundred years ago, and this 
spot was inhabited by a race of aborigines, who dwelt in bark 
huts, lived upon oysters and Indian corn, danced buffalo 
dances, and were lords "of the fowl and the brute" — but the 
spirit of time and the spirit of brandy have swept them from 
their ancient inheritance ; and as the white wave of the ocean, 
by its ever toiling assiduity, gains on the brown land, so the 
white man, by slow and sure degrees, has gained on the brown 
savage, and dispossessed him of the land of his forefathers.— 
Conjectures on the first peopUng of America— different opm- 
ions on that subject, to the amount of near one hundred- 
opinion of Augustine Torniel— that they are the descendants 
of Shem and Japheth, who came by the way of Japan to 
America— Juffridius Petri says they came from Friezeland, 
mem. cold journey. —Mons. Charron says they are descended 
from the Gauls— bitter enough.— A. Mihus, from the Celtge— 
Kircher, from the Egyptians— L'Compte, from the Phenicians 



152 SALMAGUNDI. 

— Lescarbot. from the Canaanites, alias the Anthropophagi— 
Brerewood from the Tartars — Grotius, from the Norwegians— 
and Linkmn Fidehus has written two folio volumes to prove 
that America was first of all peopled either by the Antipodeans 
or the Cornish miners, who, he maintains, might easily have 
made a subterraneous passage to this country, particularly the 
antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get along under ground as 
fast as moles— quere, which of these is in the right, or are they 
all wrong?— For my part, I don't see why America had not as 
good a right to be peopled at first, as any httle contemptible 
country in Europe, or Asia, and I am determined to write a 
book at my first leisure, to prove that Noah was born here— 
and that so far is America from being indebted to any other 
country for inhabitants, that they were every one of them 
peopled by colonies from her !— mem. battery a very pleasant 
place to walk on a Sunday evening— not quite genteel though 
Everybody walks there, and a pleasure, however genuine, is 
spoiled by general participation — the fashionable ladies of New- 
York turn up their noses if you ask them to walk on the bat- 
tery on Sunday— quere, have they scruples of conscience, or 
scruples of delicacy? -neither— they have only scruples of gen« 
tiUty, which are quite different things. 



Chapter II. 

Custom-house — origin of duties on merchandise — this place 
much frequented by merchants— and why?— different classes 
of merchants— importers — a kind of nobihty— wholesale mer- 
chants—have the priATlege of going to the city assembly!— 
Retail traders cannot go to the assembly.— Some curious 
speculations on the vast distinction betwixt selhng tape by the 
piece or by the yard. — Wholesale merchants look down upon 
the retailers, who in return look down upon the green-grocers, 
who look down upon the market women, who don't care a 
straw about any of them.— Origin of the distinctions of rank 
—Dr. Johnson once horribly puzzled to settle the point of pre- 
cedence between a louse and a flea— good hint enough to 
humble, purse-proud arrogance.— Custom-house partly used as 
a lodging house for the pictures belonging to the academy of 
arts— couldn't afford the statues house-room, most of them 
in the cellar of the City-hall— poor place for the gods and 
godesses — after Olympus. — Pensive reflections on the uns and 



SALMAGUNJbL 153 

downs of life— Apollo, and the rest of the set, used to cut a 
great figure in days of yore.— Mem. every dog has his day — 
sorry for Venus, though, poor wench, to be cooped up in a 
cellar with not a single grace to wait on her!— Eulogy on 
the gentlemen of the academy of arts, for the great spirit 
with which they began the undertaking, and the perseverance 
with which they have piu-sued it. — It is a pity, however, they 
began at the wrong end — maxim— If you want a bird and a 
cage, always buy the cage first — hem! a word to the wise? 



Chapter III. 

Bowling-Green — fine place for pasturing cows— a perqui- 
site of the late corporation — formerly ornamented with a 
statue of George the 3d— people pulled it down in the war to 
make bullets — great pity, as it might have been given to the 
academy — it would have become a cellar as well as any other. 
— Broadway — great difference in the gentility of streets — a man 
who resides in Pearl-street or Chatham-row, derives no kind of 
dignity from his domicil ; but place him in a certain part of 
Broadw^ay, any where between the battery and WaU-street, and 
he straightway becomes entitled to figure in the beau monde, 
and strut as a person of prodigious consequence! — Quere, 
whether there is a degree of purity in the air of that quarter 
which changes the gross particles of vulgarity into gems of re- 
finement and polish? — A question to be asked, but not to be 
answered — Wall-street — City-hall, famous place for catch- 
poles, deputy-sheriffs, and young lawyers ; which last attend 
the courts, not because they have business there but because 
they have no business any where else. My blood always cur- 
dles when I see a catch-pole, they being a species of vermin, 
who feed and fatten on the common wretchedness of mankind, 
who trade in misery, and in becoming the executioners of the 
law, by their oppression and villainy, almost counterbalance 
all the benefits which are derived from its salutary regulations 
—Story of Quevedo about a catch-pole possessed by a devil, 
who, on being interrogated, declared that he did not come 
there voluntarily, but by compulsion; and that a decent devil 
would never, of his own free will enter into the body of a 
catch-pole: instead, therefore, of doing him the injustice to 
say that here was a catch-pole be-deviled, they should say, it 
was a devil be-catch-poled ; that being in reality the truth— 



154 SALMAGUNDI 

Wonder what has hecome of the old crier of the court, who 
used to make more noise in preserving silence than the audi- 
ence did in breaking it — if a man happened to drop his cane, 
the old hero would sing out ' ' silence !" in a voice that emulated 
the " wide-mouthed thunder" — On inquiring, found he had re- 
tired from business to enjoy otium cum dignitate, as many a 
great man had done before — Strange that wise men, as they 
are thought, should toil through a whole existence merely to 
enjoy a few moments of leisure at last! — why don't they begin 
to be easy at first, and not purchase a moment's pleasure with 
an age of pain?— mem. posed some of the jockeys — eh! 

Chapter IV. 

Barber's pole; three different orders of shavers in New 
York — those who shave pigs; N. B. — freslnnen and sophomores, 
— those who cut beards, and those who shave notes of hand; the 
last are the most respectable, because, in the course of a year, 
they make more money, and that honestly, than the whole 
corps of other shavers can do in half a century; besides, it 
would puzzle a common barber to ruin any man, except by 
cutting his throat ; whereas your higher order of shavers, your 
true blood-suckers of the community, seated snugly behind the 
curtain, in watch .for prey, live on the vitals of the unfortu- 
nate, and grow rich on the ruins of thousands. — Yet this last 
class of barbers are held in high respect in the world; they 
never offend against the decencies of life, go often to church, 
look down on honest poverty walking on foot, and call them- 
selves gentlemen; yea, men of honour! — Lottery oflBlces — 
another set of capital shavers! — licensed gambling houses! — 
good things enough though, as they enable a few honest, in 
diistrious gentlemen to humbug the people -according to law; 
—besides, if the people will be such fools, whose fault is it but 
their own if they get bitf — Messrs. Paff — beg pardon for putting 
them in bad company, because they are a couple of fine fellows 
—mem. to recommend Michael's antique snuff box to all ama- 
teurs in the art. — Eagle singing Yankee-doodle — N. B. — Buff on, 
Penant, and the rest of the naturalists, all naturals not to 
know the eagle was a singing bird; Linkum Fidelius knew 
better, and gives a long description of a bald eagle that sere- 
naded him once in Canada ; — digression ; particular account of 
the Canadian Indians ; — story about Arcskou learning to make 
fishing nets of a spider — don't believe it though, becausek, 



SALMA G UNDI. I55 

according to Linkum, and many other learned authorities, 
Areskou is the same as Mars, being derived from his Greek 
names of Ares; and if so, he knew well enough what a net was 
without consulting a spider ; — story of Arachne being changed 
into a spider as a reward for having hanged herself; — deri- 
vation of the word spinster from spider ;— Colophon, now Al- 
tobosco, the birthplace of Arachne, remarkable for a famous 
breed of spiders to this day ;— mem. — nothing like a little schol- 
arship—make the ignoramus, viz., the majority of my readers, 
stare like wild pigeons; — return to New- York a short cut — 
meet a dashing belle, in a little thick white veil — tried to get a 
peep at her face— saw she squinted a little — thought so at first ; 
—never saw a face covered with a veil that was worth looking 
at ; — saw some ladies holding a conversation across the street 
about going to church next Sunday— talked so loud they 
frightened a cartman's horse, who ran away, and overset a 
basket of gingerbread with a httle boy under it;— mem.— I 
don't much see the use of speaking-trumpets now-a-days. 

Chapter V. 

Bought a pair of gloves ; dry -good stores the genuine schools 
of politeness — true Parisian manners there -got a pair of 
gloves and a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar— dog cheap ! 
— Courtlandt-street corner — famous place to see the belles go by 
— quere, ever been shopping with a lady ?— some account of it- 
ladies go into all the shops in the city to buy a pair of gloves- 
good way of spending time, if they have nothing else to do.— 
Oswego-market— looks very much like a triiunphal arch— some 
account of the manner of erecting them in ancient times ;— di- 
gression to the arch-diukQ Charles, and some account of the 
ancient Germans.— N. B.— quote Tacitus on this subject.— Par- 
ticular description of market-baskets, butcher's blocks, and 
wheelbarrows;— mem. queer things run upon one wheel!— Saw 
a cart-man driving full-tilt through Broadway— ran over a 
child— good enough for it— what business had it to be in the 
way?— Hint concerning the laws against pigs, goats, dogs, and 
cartmen— grand apostrophe to the sublime science of jurispru- 
dence ;— comparison between legislators and tinkers; quere, 
whether it requires greater ability to mend a law than to mend 
a kettle?— -LQquiry into the utility of making laws that are 
broken a hundred times a day with impunity ;— my lord Coke's 
opinion on the subject;— my lord a very great man— so was 



156 8ALMA0UNDL 

lord Bacon : good story about a criminal named Hog claiming 
relationship with him. — Hogg's porter-house; — great haunt of 
Will Wizard ; Will put down there one night by a sea-captain, 
in an argument concerning the era of the Chinese empire 
Whangpo ; — Hogg's capital place for hearing the same stories, 
the same jokes, and the same songs every night in the year— 
mem. except Sunday nights ; fine school for young politicians 
too — some of the longest and thickest heads in the city come 
there to settle the nation. — Scheme of Ichabod Fungus to 
restore the balance of Europe ;— digression ; — some account of 
the balance of Europe ; comparison between it and a pair of 
scales, with the Emperor Alexander in one and the Emperor 
Napoleon in the other : fine fellows — both of a weight, can't tell 
which will kick the beam: — mem. don't care much either— 
nothing to me : — Ichabod very unhappy about it — thinks Na- 
poleon has an eye on this country — capital place to pasture his 
horses, and provide for the rest of his family: — Dey-street — 
apcient Dutch name of it, signifying murderers' valley, for- 
merly the site of a great peach orchard; my grandmother's 
history of the famous Peach tvar- arose from an Indian steal- 
ing peaches out of this orchard ; good cause as need be for a 
war ; just as good as the balance of power. Anecdote of a war 
between two Italian states about a bucket; introduce some 
capital new truisms about the folly of mankind, the ambition 
of kings, potentates, and princes; particularly Alexander, 
Caesar, Charles the Xllth, Napoleon, little King Pepin, and the 
great Charlemagne. — Conclude with an exhortation to the 
present race of sovereigns to keep the king's peace and abstain 
from all those deadly quarrels which produce battle, murder, 
and sudden death : mem. ran my nose against a lamp-post— 
conclude in great dudgeon. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Our cousin Pindar, after having been confined for some 
time past with a fit of the gout, which is a kind of keepsake in 
our family, has again set his mill going, as my readers wiU 
perceive. On reading his piece I could not help smiling at the 
high compliments which, contrary to his usual style, he has 
lavished on the dear sex. The old gentleman, unfortunately 



SALMA O UNDI. 157 

observing my merriment, stumped out of the room with great 
vociferation of crutch, and has not exchanged three words 
with me since. I expect every hour to hear that he has 
packed up his movables, and, as usual in all cases of disgust, 
retreated to his old country house. 

Pindar, hke most of the old Cockloft heroes, is wonderfully 
susceptible to the genial influence of warm weather. In 
winter he is one of the most crusty old bachelors under 
heaven, and is wickedly addicted to sarcastic reflections of 
every kind ; particularly on the little enchanting foibles and 
whim- whams of women. But when the spring comes on, and 
the mild influence of the sun releases nature from her icy 
fetters, the ice of his bosom dissolves into a gentle current 
which.reflects the bewitching quahties of the tafr ; as in some 
mild clear evening, when nature reposes in silence, the stream 
bears in its pure bosom all the starry magnificence of heaven. 
It is under the control of this influence he has written his 
piece ; and I beg the ladies, in the plenitude of their harmless 
conceit, not to flatter themselves that because the good Pindar 
has suffered them to escape liis censures he had nothing more 
to censure. It is but sunshine and zephyrs which have 
wrought this wonderful change ; and I am much mistaken if 
the first north-easter don't convert aU his good nature into 
most exquisite spleen. 



FEOM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How often I cast my reflections behind. 
And call up the days of past youth to my mind, 
When folly assails in habiliments new, 
When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim- wham to view ; 
When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, 
Bewilder my feehngs— my senses benight; 
I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day, 
To commune with the world that has moulder'd away; 
To converse with the shades of those friends of my love, 
Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. 

In my rambles through life should I meet with annoy, 
From the bold beardless stripling — the turbid pert boy, 
One rear'd in the mode lately reckon'd genteel, 
Which neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel; 



158 SALMAGUNDI. 

Which completes the sweet f ophng while jet in his teens, 
And fits him for fashion's light changeable scenes ; 
Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, 
Can he dance a cotilhon or smoke a segar ; 
And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be, 
To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — 
Oh, I think on the beaux that existed of yore, 
On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! 

I recall with dehght how each yonker at first 
In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed : 
— How the graces of person and graces of mind. 
The poHsh of learning and fashion combined, 
Till softened in manners and strengthened in head, 
By the classical lore of the hving and dead, 
Matured in his person till manly in size, 
He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! 

My nieces of late have made frequent complaint 
That they suffer vexation and painful constraint 
By having their circles too often distrest 
By some three or four goslings just fiedged from the nest, 
Who, propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain, 
Alike tender in years and in person and brain, 
But plenteously stock'd with that substitute, brass, 
For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. 
They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, 
So common to all the coxcombical gang. 
Who the fair with their shallow experience vex, 
By thrumming for ever their weakness of sex ; 
And who boast of themselves, when they talk with proud air 
Of Man's mental ascendancy over the fair. 

'Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest, 
Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had prest, 
Pretended to boast of his royal descent, 
And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. 
Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray. 
The cheering delights and the brilliance of day ; 
To forsake the fair regions of aether and light, 
For dull moping caverns of darkness and night : 
Still talk'd of that eagle-like strength of the eye. 
Which approaches unwinking the pride of the sky, 
Of that wing which unwearied can hover and play 
In the noon-t?de effulgence and torrent of day. 



i 



BALMAGUNDi. IS^ 

Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain, 
Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain, 
'Tis the commonplace jest of the nursery scape-goat, 
'Tis the commonplace ballad that croaks from his throat ; 
He knows not that nature— that pohsh decrees. 
That women should always endeavour to please. 
That the law of their system has early imprest 
The importance of fitting themselves to each guest ; 
And, of course, that full oft when ye trifle and play, 
'Tis to gratify triflers who strut in your way. 
The child might as well of its mother complain. 
As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain : 
Because that, at times, while it hangs on her breast, 
She with ' ' luUa-by-baby" beguiles it to rest. 
'Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain, 
For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. 

'Tis true at odd times, when in frolicsome fit. 
In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit 
May start some fight foible that clings to the fair 
Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare, — 
In the play of his fancy will sportively say 
Some deficate censure that pops in his way. 
He may smile at your fashions, and franldy express 
His dislike of a dance, or a flaming red dress ; 
Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, 
Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse. 
He delights in the language of nature ye speak, 
Though not so refined as true classical Greek. 
He remembers that Providence never design'd 
Our females like suns to bewilder and blind ; 
But hke the nuld orb of pale ev'ning serene. 
Whose radiance illumines, yet softens the scene. 
To light us with cheering and welcoming ray, 
Along the rude path when the sun is away. 

I own in my scribblings I lately have nam'd 
Some faiflts of our fair which I gently have blam'd, 
But be it for ever by all understood 
My censures were only pronounc'd for their good. 
I delight in the sex, 'tis the pride of my mind 
To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; 
As our solace below in the journey of life, 
To smooth its rough passes;— to soften its strife; 



;JgQ ijALMAGUl\J)A. 

As objects intended our joys to supply, 
And to lead us in love to the temples on high. 
How oft have l fel^, when two lucid blue eyes, 
As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies, 
Have beam'd their soft radiance into my soul, 
Impress'd with an awe Uke an angel's control ! 

Yes, fair ones, by this is for ever defin'd 
The fop from the man of refinement and mind ; 
The latter beUeves ye in bounty were given 
As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven: 
And if ye are weak, and are frail, in his view, 
'Tis to call forth fresh warmth and his fondness renew, 
'Tis his joy to support these defects of your frame. 
And his love at your weakness redoubles its flame : 
He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair, 
And is proud that it claims his protection and care. 



SALMAGUNDI. 16] 



NO. XIII.-FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I WAS not a little perplexed, a short time since, by the eccen- 
tric conduct of my knowing coadjutor, Will Wizard. For 
two or three days, he was completely in a quandary. He 
would come into old Cockloft's parlour ten times a day, swing- 
ing his ponderous legs along with his usual vast strides, clap 
his hands into his sides, contemplate the Mttle shepherdesses 
on the mantel-piece for a few minutes, whistling all the while, 
and then sally out full sweep, without uttering a word. To be 
sure, a pish or a pshaw occasionally escaped him ; and he was 
observed once to pull out his enormous tobacco-box, drum f^r 
a moment upon its lid with his knuckles, and then return it 
into his pocket without taking a quid:— 'twas evident Will 
was full of some mighty idea :— not that his restlessness was 
any way uncommon ; for I have often seen Will throw himself 
almost into a fever of heat and fatigue— doing nothing. But 
his inflexible taciturnity set the whole family, as usual a won- 
dering: as Will seldom enters the house without giving one of 
his "one thousand and one" stories. For my part, I began to 
think that the late fracas at Canton had alarmed Will for the 
safety of his friends Kinglun, Chinqua, and Consequa; or, 
that something had gone wrong in the alterations of the thea- 
tre — or that some new outrage at Norfolk had put him in a 
orry ; in short, I did not know what to think ; for WiU i s 
such an universal busy-body, and meddles so much in every 
thing going forward, that you might as well attempt to con- 
jecture what is going on in the north star, as in his precious 
pericranium. Even Mrs. Cockloft, who, like a worthy woman 
as she is, seldom troubles herself about any thing in this world 
—saving the affairs of her household, and the correct deport- 
ment of her female friends — was struck with the mystery of 



162 SALMAGUNDI. 

Will's behaviour. She happened, when he came in and went 
out the tenth time, to be busy darning the bottom of one of 
the old red damask chairs ; and notwithstanding this is to her 
an affair of vast importance, yet she could not help turning 
round and exclaiming, "I wonder what can be the matter with 
Mr. Wizard ?" " Nothing," replied old Christopher, " only we 
shall have an eruption soon." The old lady did not under 
stand a word of this, neither did she care ; she had expressed 
her wonder ; and that, with her, is always sufficient. 

I am so well acquainted with Will's peculiarities that I can 
tell, even by his whistle, when he is about an essay for our 
paper as certainly as a weather wiseacre knows that it is going 
to rain when he sees a pig run squeaking about with his nose 
in the wind. I, therefore, laid my account with receiving a 
communication from him before long^ and sure enough, the 
evening before last I distinguished his free-mason knock at 
my door. I have seen many wise men in my time, philoso- 
phers, mathematicians, astronomers, politicians, editors and 
almanac makers ; but never did I see a man look half so wise 
as did my friend Wizard on entering the room. Had Lavater 
beheld him at that moment he would have set him down, to a 
certainty, as a fellow who had just discovered the longitude or 
the philosopher's stone. 

Without saying a word, he handed me a roll of paper ; after 
which he lighted his segar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded 
his arms, and elevating his nose to an angle of about forty-five 
degrees, began to smoke like a steam engine ; — Will delights in 
the picturesque. On opening his budget, and perceiving the 
motto, it struck me that Will had brought me one of his con- 
founded Chinese manuscripts, and I was forthwith going to 
dismiss it with indignation ; but accidentally seeing the name 
of our oracle, the sage Linkum, of whose inestimable foHos we 
pride ourselves upon being the sole possessors, I began to think 
the better of it, and looked round to Will to express my appro- 
bation. I shall never forget the figure he cut at that moment ! 
He had watched my countenance, on opening his manuscript, 
with the argus eyes of an author : and perceiving some tokens 
of disapprobation, began, according to custom, to puff away 
at his segar with such vigour that in a few minutes he had en- 
tirely involved himself in smoke : except his nose and one foot, 
which were just visible, the latter wagging with great velocity. 
I believe I have hinted before— at least I ought to have done 
go—that Will's nose is a very goodly nose ; to which it may be 



SALMAGUNDI. 



163 



as well to add, that in his voyages under the tropics, it has ac- 
quired a copper complexion, which renders it very brilliant 
and luminous. You may imagine what a sumptuous appear- 
ance it made, projecting boldly, like the celebrated promonto- 
rium nasidium at Samos with a hght-house upon it, and sur- 
rounded on all sides with smoke and vapour. Had my gravity 
been like the Chinese philosopher's "within one degree of ab- 
solute frigidity," here would have been a trial for it.— I could 
not stand it, but burst into such a laugh as I do not indulge in 
above once in a hundred years ;— this was too much for Will ; 
he emerged from his cloud, threw his segar into the fire-place,' 
and strode out of the room, pulling up liis breeches, muttering 
something which, I verily beheve, was nothing more than a 
horrible long Chinese malediction. 

He, however, left his manuscript behind him, which I now 
give to the world. Whether he is serious on the occasion, or 
only bantering, no one, I beheve, can tell: for, whether in 
speaking or writing, there is such an invincible gravity in his 
demeanour and style, that even I, who have studied him as 
closely as an antiquarian studies an old manuscript or inscrip- 
tion, am frequently at a loss to know what the rogue would be 
at. I have seen him indulge in his favourite amusement of 
quizzing for hours together, without any one having the least 
suspicion of the matter, until he would suddenly twist his phiz 
into an expression that baffles all description, thrust his tongue 
in his cheek and blow up in a laugh almost as loud as the shout 
of the Romans on a certain occasion ; which honest Plutarch 
avers frightened several crows to such a degree that they fell 
down stone dead into the Campus Martins. Jeremy Cockloft 
the younger, who like a true modern philosopher delights in 
experiments that are of no kind of use, took the trouble to 
measure one of Will's risible explosions, and declared to me 
that, according to accurate measurement, it contained thirty 
feet square of soUd laughter:— what will the professors say to 
this? 



164 SALMAGUNDI. 



PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR HARBOUR. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Long-fong teko buzz torpedo, 

Fudge — Confucius. 

We'll blow the villains all sky high; 

But do it with econo my. — Link. Fid, 

Surely never was a town more subject to mid-summer fail' 
cies and dog-day whim-whams, than this most excellent of 
cities; — our notions, like our diseases, seem all epidemic; and 
no sooner does a new disorder or a new freak seize one individ- 
ual but it is sure to run through all the community. This is 
particularly the case when the summer is at the hottest, and 
every body's head is in a vertigo and his brain in a ferment ; 
'tis absolutely necessary then the poor souls should have some 
bubble to amuse themselves with, or they would certainly run 
mad. Last year the poplar worm made its appearance most 
fortunately for our citizens ; and every body was so much in 
horror of being poisoned, and devoured ; and so busied in mak- 
ing humane experiments on cats and dogs, that we got through 
the summer quite comfortably ; — the cats had the worst of it ; 
— every mouser of them was shaved, and there was not a 
whisker to be seen in the whole sisterhood. This summer 
every body has had full employment in planning fortifications 
for our harbour. Not a cobbler or tailor in the qHj but has 
left his awl and his thimble, become an engineer outright, and 
aspired most magnanimously to the building of forts and de- 
struction of navies ! — ^heavens ! as my friend Mustapha would 
say, on what a great scale is every thing in this country ! 

Among the various plans that have been offered, the most 
conspicuous is one devised and exhibited, as I am informed, by 
that notable confederacy, the North River Society. 

Anxious to redeem their reputation from the foul suspicions 
that have for a long time overclouded it, these aquatic incendi- 
aries have come forward, at the present alarming juncture, 
and announced a most potent discovery which is to guarantee 
our port from the visits of any foreign marauders. The society 
have, it seems, invented a cunning machine, shrewdly yclep'd 
a Torpedo; by which the stoutest hre of battle ship, even a 



SALMAGUNDI. 165 

Santissima Trinidada, may be caught napping and decomposed 
in a twinkling; a kind of sub-marine powder-magazine to 
swim under water, like an aquatic mole, or water rat, and de- 
stroy the enemy in the moments of unsuspicious security. 

This straw tickled the noses of all our dignitaries wonder- 
fully ; for to do our government justice, it has no objection to 
injuring and exterminating its enemies in any manner— pro- 
vided the thing can be done economically. 

It was determined the experiment should be tried, and an 
old brig was purchased, for not more than twice its value, and 
delivered over into the hands of its tormentors, the North 
Eiver Society, to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, 
secundum artem. A day was appointed for the occasion, when 
all the good citizens of the wonder-loving city of Gotham were 
invited to the blowing up ; like the fat inn-keeper in Rabelais, 
who requested all his customers to come on a certain day and 
see him burst. 

As I have almost as great a veneration as the good Mr. Wal- 
ter Shandy for all kinds of experunents that are ingeniously 
ridiculous, I made very particular mention of the one in ques- 
tion, at the table of my friend Christopher Cockloft ; but it put 
the honest old gentleman in a violent passion. He condemned it 
in to to, as an attempt to introduce a dastardly and exterminating 
mode of warfare. " Already have we proceeded far enough," 
said he, "in the science of destruction ; war is already invested 
with sufficient horrors and calamities, let us not increase the 
catalogue ; let us not by these deadly artifices provoke a sys- 
tem of insidious and indiscriminate hostility, that shall termin- 
ate in laying our cities desolate, and exposing our women, our 
children, and our infirm to the sword of pitiless recrimination." 
Honest old cavalier !— it was evident he did not reason as a true 
politician,— but he felt as a Christian and philanthropist; and 
that was, perhaps, just as well. 

It may be readily supposed, that our citizens did not refuse 
the invitation of the society to the blow-up ; it was the first 
naval action ever exhibited in our port, and the good people all 
crowded to see the British navy blown up in effigy. The young 
ladies were delighted with the novelty of the show, and de- 
clared that if war could be conducted in this manner, it would 
become a fashionable amusement; and the destruction of a 
fleet be as pleasant as a ball or a tea-party. The old folk were 
equally pleased with the spectacle,— because it cost them noth- 
ing. Dear souls, how hard was it they should be disappointed I 



j66 SALMAGUNDI. 

the brig most obstinately refused to be decomposed ; the din- 
ners grew cold, and the puddings were over-boiled, throughout 
the renowned city of Gotham : and its sapient inhabitants, like 
the honest Strasburghers, from whom most of them are doubt- 
less descended, who went out to see the courteous stranger and 
his nose, all returned home after having threatened to pull 
down the flag-staff by way of taking satisfaction for their dis- 
appointment. By the way, their is not an animal in the world 
more discriminating in its vengeance than a free-born mob. 

In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's to smoke a socia- 
ble segar, but had scarcely entered the room when I was taken 
prisoner by my friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus ; who, I soon saw 
was at his usual trade of prying into mill-stones. The old gen- 
tleman informed me, that the brig had actually blown up, 
after a world of manoeuvring, and had nearly blown up the 
society with it ; he seemed to entertain strong doubts as to the 
objects of the society in the invention of these infernal ma- 
chines ;— hinted a suspicion of their wishing to set the river on 
fire, and that he should not be surprised on waking one of 
these mornings to find the Hudson in a blaze. "Not that I 
disapprove of the plan," said he, "provided it has the end in 
view which they profess ; no, no, an excellent plan of defence ; 
— no need of batteries, forts, frigates, and gun-boats ; observe, 
sir, all that's necessary is that the ships must come to anchor 
in a convenient place; — watch must be asleep, or so compla- 
cent as not to disturb any boats paddling about them— fair 
wind and tide— no moonlight — machines well-directed— musn't 
flash in the plan— bang's the word, and the vessel's blown up 
in a moment !" " Good," said I, "you remind me of a lubberly 
Chinese who was flogged by an honest captain of my acquaint- 
ance, and who, on being advised to retaliate, exclaimed — ' Hi 
yah ! s'pose two men hold fast him captain, den very mush me 
bamboo he !' " 

The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and insisted that I 
did not understand him ;— all that was requisite to render the 
effect certain was, that the enemy should enter into the pro- 
ject; or, in other words, be agreeable to the measure; so that 
if the machine did not come to the ship, the ship should go to 
the machine ; by which means he thought the success of the 
machine would be inevitable — provided it struck fire. "But 
do not you think," said I, doubtingly, "that it would be rather 
difficult to persuade the enemy into such an agreement?— Some 
people have an inyincible antipathy to being blown up. " " Not 



SALMAGUNDI. 167 

at all, not at all," replied he, triumphantly; "got an excellent 
notion for that;— do with them as we have done with the brig.: 
buy all the vessels we mean to destroy, and blow 'em up as 
best suits our convenience. I have thought deeply on that 
subject and have calculated to a certainty, that if our funds 
hold out we may in this way destroy the whole British navy^ 
by contract." 

By this time all the quidnuncs of the room had gathered 
around us, each pregnant with some mighty scheme for the sal- 
vation of his country. — One pathetically lamented that we had 
no such men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and Grossi- 
tout; who, when the celebrated captain Tranchemont made 
war against the city of Kalacahabalaba, utterly discomfited 
the great king Bigstaff, and blew up his whole army by sneez- 
ing. — ^Another miparted a sage idea, which seems to have oc- 
cupied more heads than one ; that is, that the best way of 
fortifying the harbour was to ruin it at once ; choke the chan- 
nel with rocks and blocks ; strew it with chevaux-de-frises and 
torpedoes ; and make it like a nursery-garden, full of men-traps 
and spring-guns. No vessel would then have the temerity to 
enter our harbour ; we should not even dare to navigate it our- 
selves. Or if no cheaper way could be devised, let Governor's 
Island be raised by levers and pulleys — floated with empty 
casks, &c., towed down to the Narrows, and dropped plump 
in the very mouth of the harbour! — "But," said I, "would 
not the prosecution of these whim-whams be rather expensive 
and dilatory?" " Pshaw !" cried the other— "what's a mil- 
lion of money to an experiment ; the true spirit of our economy 
requires that we should spare no expense in discovering the 
cheapest mode of defending ourselves; and then if all these 
modes should fail, why, you know the worst we have to do is 
to return to the old-fashioned hum-drum mode of forts and 
batteries." "By which time," cried I, "the arrival of the 
enemy may have rendered their erection superfluous." 

A shrewd old gentleman, who stood listening by, with a mis- 
chievously equivocal look, observed that the most effectual 
mode of repulsing a fleet from our ports would be to admin- 
ister them a proclamation from time to time, till it operated. 

Unwilling to leave the company without demonstrating my 
patriotism and ingenuity, I communicated a plan of defence; 
which, in truth, was suggested long since by that infallible 
oracle Mustapha, who had as clear a head for cobweb- weaving 
as ever dignified the shoulders of a projector. He thought the 



163 SALMAQTiNDl 

most effectual mode would be to assemble all the slang-whang- 
ers, great and small, from all parts of the sljate, and marshal 
them at the battery; where they should be exposed, point 
blank, to the enemy, and form a tremendous bodj^ of scolding 
infantry; similar to the poissards or doughty champions of 
Billingsgate. They should be exhorted to fire away, without 
pity or remorse, in sheets, half -sheets, columns, hand-bills, or 
squibs ; great canon, little canon, pica, german-text, stereotype, 
and to run their enemies through and through with sharp- 
pointed italics. They should have orders to -show no quarter- 
to blaze away in their loadest epithets ' miscreantsP'' " miir- 

derersP^ '^harhariansP^ '^piratesr 'WohhersP^ "Blackguards!" 
and to do away all fear of consequences, they should be guar- 
anteed from all dangers of pillory, kicking, cuffing, nose-pull- 
ing, whipping-post, or prosecution for libels. If, continued 
Mustapha, you wish men to fight well and valiantly, they 
must be allowed those weapons they have been used to handle. 
Your countrymen are notoriously adroit in the management of 
the tongue and the pen, and conduct all their battles by 
speeches or newspapers. Adopt, therefore, the plan I have 
pointed out ; and rely upon it that let any fleet, however large, 
be but once assailed by this battery of slang- whangers, and if 
they have not entirely lost the sense of hearing, or a regard 
for their own characters and feelings, they will, at t he very 
first fire, slip their cables and retreat with as much precipita- 
tion as if they had unwarily entered into the atmosphere of 
the Bohan upas. In this manner may your wars be conducted 
with proper economy ; and it will cost no more to drive off a 
fleet than to write up a party, or write down a bashaw with 
three tails. 

The sly old gentleman, I have before mentioned, was highly 
delighted with this plan; and proposed, as an improvement, 
that mortars should be placed on the battery, which, instead 
of throwing shells and such trifles, might be charged with 
newspapers, Tammany addresses, etc., by way of red-hot shot, 
which would undoubtedly be very potent in blowing up any 
powder-magazine they might chance to come in contact with. 
He concluded by informing the company, that in the course of 
a few evenings he would have the honour to present them with 
a scheme for loading certain vessels with newspapers, resolu- 
tions of "numerous and respectable meetings," and other com- 
bustibles, which vessels were to be blown directly in the midst 
of the enemy by the bellows of the slang- whangers ; &nd he 



SALMAGUNDI. jgg 

was much mistaken if they would not be more fatal than fire- 
ships, bomb-ketches, gun-boats, or even torpedoes. 

These are but two or three specimens of the nature and effi- 
cacy of the innumerable plans with which this city abounds. 
Every body seems charged to the muzzle with gunpowder — 
every eye flashes fireworks and torpedoes, and every corner is 
occupied by knots of inflammatory projectors; not one of 
whom but has some preposterous mode of destruction which 
he has proved to be infallible by a previous experiment in a 
tub of water ! 

Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, to the great 
annoyance of the inhabitants of Cockloft-hall, whither he re- 
tired to make his experunents undisturbed. At one time aU 
the mirrors in the house were unhung, —their collected rays 
thrown into the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of burning 
glasses ; and the honest old gardener was almost knocked down 
by what he mistook for a stroke of the sun, but which turned 
out to be nothing more than a sudden attack of one of these 
tremendous jack-o'-lanterns. It became dangerous to walk 
through the court-yard for fear of an explosion ; and the whole 
family was thrown into absolute distress and consternation by 
a letter from the old housekeeper to Mrs. Cockloft ; informing 
her of his having blown up a favourite Chinese gander, which 
I had brought from Canton, as he was majestically sailing in 
the duck-pond. 

"In the multitude of counsellors there is safety;"— if so, the 
defenceless city of Gotham has nothing to apprehend ;— but 
much do I fear that so many excellent and infallible projects 
will be presented, that we shall be at a loss which to adopt ; and 
the peaceable inhabitants fare like a famous projector of my 
acquaintance, whose house was unfortunately plundered while 
he was contriving a patent lock to secure his door. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

A RETROSPECT; or, "WHAT YOU WILL." 

Lolling in my elbow-chair this fine summer noon, I feel 
myself insensibly yielding to that genial feeling of indolence 
the season is so well fitted to inspire. Every one who is blessed 



170 SALMA O UNDL 

with a little of the delicious languor of disposition that delights 
in repose, must often have sported among the fairy scenes, the 
golden visions, the voluptuous reveries, that swim before the 
imagination at such moments, and which so much resemble 
those blissful sensations a Mussulman enjoys after his favourite 
indulgence of opium, which Will Wizard declares can be com- 
pared to nothing but "swimming in an ocean of peacocks' 
feathers. In such a mood, every body must be insensible it 
would be idle and unprofitable for a man to send his wits a-gad • 
ding on a voyage of discovery into futurity ; or even to trouble 
himself with a laborious investigation of what is actually pass- 
ing under his eye. We are at such times more disposed to re- 
sort to the pleasures of memory than to those of the imagina- 
tion ; and, like the wayfaring traveller, reclining for a moment 
on his staff, had rather contemplate the ground we have 
travelled, than the region which is yet before us. 

I could here amuse myself and stultify my readers with a 
most elaborate and ingenious parallel between authors and 
travellers ; but in this balmy season which makes men stupid 
and dogs mad, and when doubtless many of our most strenuous 
admirers have great difficulty in keeping awake through the 
day, it would be cruel to saddle them mth the formidable diffi- 
culty of putting two ideas together and drawing a conclusion ; 
or in the learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Baroco : — a 
terrible undertaking for the dog days ! to say the truth, my 
observations were only intended to prove that this, of all 
others, is the most auspicious moment, and my present, the 
most favourable mood for indulging in a restrospect. Whether, 
like certain great personages of the day, in attempting to 
prove one thing, I have exposed another ; or whether, hke cer- 
tain other great personages, in attempting to prove a great 
deal, I have proved nothing at all, I leave to my readers to 
decide ; provided they have the power and inclination so to do ; 
but a RETROSPECT will I take notwithstanding. 

I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shaU lay myself 
open to the charge of imitation, than which a man might be 
better accused of downright house-breaking; for it has been a 
standing rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, occa- 
sionally, and particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to look 
over their shoulder and chuckle at the miracles they had 
achieved. But as I before professed, I am determined to hold 
myself entirely independent of all manner of opinions and 
criticisms as the only method of getting on in this world in any 



balmagundl l7i 

thing like a straight line. True it is, I may sometimes seem to 
angle a httle for the good opinion of mankind by giving them 
some excellent reasons for doing unreasonable things ; but this 
is merely to show them, that although I may occasionally go 
wrong, it is not for want of knowing how to go right ; and here 
I will lay down a maxim, which will for ever entitle me to the 
gratitude of my inexperienced readers, namely, that a man 
always gets more credit in the eyes of this naughty world for 
sinning wilfully, than for sinning through sheer ignorance. 

It will doubtless be insisted by many ingenious cavillers, 
who will be meddling with what does not at all concern them, 
that this retrospect should have been taken at the commence- 
ment of our second volume ; it is usual, I know : moreover, it is 
natural. So soon as a writer has once accomplished a volume, 
he forthwith becomes wonderfully increased in altitude ! he steps 
upon his book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in proportion 
to its magnitude. A duodecimo makes him one inch taller ; an 
octavo, three inches, a quarto, six : — but he who has made out 
to swell a folio, looks down upon his fellow-creatures from such 
a fearful height that, ten to one, the poor man's head is turned 
for ever afterwards. From such a lofty situation, therefore, it 
is natural an author should cast his eyes behind ; and having 
reached the first landing place on the stairs of immortahty, 
may reasonably be allowed to plead his privilege to look back 
over the height he has ascended. I have deviated a little from 
this venerable custom, merely that our retrospect might fall 
in the dog days— of all days in the year most congenial to the 
indulgence of a little self-sufficiency ; inasmuch as people have 
then little to do but to retire within the sphere of self, and make 
the most of what they find there. 

Let it not be supposed, however, that we think ourselves a 
whit the wiser or better since we have finished our volume 
than we were before ; on the contrary, we seriously assure our 
readers that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom and 
morality it contains at the moment we commenced writing. 
It is the world which has grown wiser, — not us ; we have thrown 
our mite into the common stock of knowledge, we have shared 
our morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from ele- 
vating ourselves above the world, our sole endeavor has been 
to raise the world to our own level, and make it as wise as we, 
its disinterested benefactors. 

To a moral writer like myself, who, next to his own comfort 
and entertainment, has the good of his feUow-citizens at heart. 



172 salmaounDx. 

a retrospect is but a sorry amusement. Like the industriouis 
husbandman, he often contemplates in silent disappointment 
his labours wasted on a barren soil, or the seeds he has carefully- 
sown, choked by a redundancy of worthless weeds. I expected 
long ere this to have seen a complete reformation in manner 
and morals, achieved by our united efforts. My fancy echoed to 
the applauding voices of a retrieved generation ; I anticipated, 
with proud satisfaction, the period, not far distant, when our 
work would be introduced into the academies with which every 
lane and alley of our cities aboimds ; when our precepts would 
be gently inducted into every unlucky urchin by force of 
birch, and my iron-bound physiogomy, as taken by Will Wiz- 
ard, be as notorious as that of Noah Webster, junr. Esq., or 
his no less renowned predecessor, the illustrious Dilworth, of 
spelling-book immortahty. But, well-a-day ! to let my readers 
into a profound secret — the expectations of man are like the 
varied hues that tinge the distant prospect ; never to be realized, 
never to be enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless Launcelot, 
that the humblest of the many air castles thou hast erected 
should prove a " baseless fabric !" Much does it grieve me to 
confess, that after all our lectures, and excellent admonitions, 
the people of New- York are nearly as much given to back 
sliding and ill-nature as ever; they are just as much abandoned 
to dancing, and tea-drinking ; and as to scandal, Will Wizard 
informs me that, by a rough computation, since the last cargo 
of gunpowder-tea from Canton, no less than eighteen characters 
have been blown up, besides a number of others that have been 
wofuUy shattered. 

The ladies still labour under the same scarcity of mushns, 
and delight in flesh-coloured silk stoc^kings ; it is evident, how- 
ever, that our advice has had very considerable effect on them, 
as they endeavour to act as opposite to it as possible; this 
being what Evergreen calls female independence. As to the 
Straddles, they abound as much as ever in Broadway, partic- 
ularly on Sundays; and Wizzard roundly asserts that he 
supped in company with a knot of them a few evenings since, 
when they liquidated a whole Birmingham consignment, in a 
batch of imperial champaign. I have, furthermore, in the 
course of a month past, detected no less than three Giblet 
families making their first onset towards style and gentility in 
the very manner we have heretofore reprobated. Nor have 
our utmost efforts been able to check the progress of that 
alarming epidemic, the rags for punning, which, though 



8ALMA0UND1. 173 

doubtless originally intended merely to ornament and enliven 
conversation by little sports of fancy, threatens to overrun and 
poison the whole, like the baneful ivy which destroys the use- 
ful plant it first embellished. Now I look upon an habitual 
punster as a depredator upon conversation; and I have 
remarked sometimes one of these offenders, sitting silent on 
the watch for an hour together until some luckless wight, un- 
fortunately for the ease and quiet of the company, dropped a 

phrase susceptible of a double meaning; — when pop, our 

punster would dart out like a veteran mouser from her covert, 
seize the unlucky word, and after worrying and mumbling at 
it until it was capable of no further marring, relapse again 
into silent watchfulness, and he in wait for another opportu- 
nity. — Even this might be borne with, by the aid of a little 
philosophy ; but the worst of it is, they are not content to 
manufacture puns and laugh heartily at them themselves ; but 
they expect we should laugh with them ; — which I consider as 
an intolerable hardship, and a flagrant imposition on good-na- 
ture. Let those gentlemen fritter aw^ay conversation with un- 
punity, and deal out their wits in sixpenny bits if they please ; 
but I beg I may have the choice of refusing currency to their 
small change. I am seriously afraid, however, that our junto 
is not quite f lee from the infection ; nay, that it has even ap- 
proached so near as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow- 
chair : for. Will Wizzard, as we were in caucus the other night, 
absolutely electrified Pindar and myself with a most palpable 
and perplexing pun ; had it been a torpedo, it could not have 
more discomposed the fraternity. Sentence of banishment 
was unanimously decreed; but on his confessing that, like 
many celebrated wits, he was merely retailing other men's 
wares on commission, he was for that once forgiven on condi- 
tion of refraining from such diabolical practices in future. 
Pindar is particularly outrageous against punsters ; and quite 
astonished and put me to a nonplus a day or two since, by ask- 
ing abruptly ' ' whether I thought a punster could be a good 
Christain?" He followed up his question triumphantly by 
offering to prove, by sound logic and historical fact, that the 
Roman empire owed its decline and fall to a pun ; and that 
nothing tended so much to demoralize the French nation, as 
their abominable rage for jeux de mots. 

But what, above every thing else, has caused me much vex- 
ation of spirit, and displeased me most with this stiff-necked 
nation, is, that in spite of all the serious and profound censures 



174 SA LMA UNDI. 

of the sage Mustapha, in his various letters — ^t-hey will talk /— 
they will still wag their tongues, and chatter hke very slang- 
whangersl this is a degree of obstinacy incomprehensible in 
the extreme ; and is another proof how alarming is the force of 
habit, and how difficult it is to redvice beings, accustomed to 
talk, to that state of silence which is the very acme of human 
wisdom. 

We can only account for these disappointments in our mod- 
erate and reasonable expectations, by supposing the world so 
deeply sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not even Her- 
cules, were he to put his shoulder to the axletree, would be 
able to extricate it. We comfort ourselves, however, by the 
reflection that there are at least three good men left in this de- 
generate age to benefit the world by example should precept 
ultimately fail. And borrowing, for once, an example from 
certain sleepy writers, who, after the first emotions of surprise 
in finding their invaluable effusions neglected or despised, con- 
sole themselves with the idea that 'tis a stupid age, and look 
forward to posterity for redress; — we bequeath our volume 
to future generations,— and much good may it do them. 
Heaven grant they may be able to read it ! for, if our fasliion- 
able mode of education continues to improve, as of late, I am 
under serious apprehensions that the period is not far distant 
when the discipline of the dancing master will supersede that 
of the grammarian ; crotchets and quavers supplant the alpha- 
bet ; and the heels, by an antipodean manoeuvre, obtain entire 
pre-eminence over the head. How does my heart yearn for 
poor dear posterity, when this work shall become as unintelli- 
gible to our grandchildren as it seems to be to their grand- 
fathers and grandmothers. 

In fact, for I love to be candid, we begin to suspect that 
many people read our numbers merely for their amusement, 
without paying any attention to the serious truths conveyed in 
every page. Unpardonable want of penetration ! not that we 
wish to restrict our readers in the article of laughing, which 
we consider as one of the dearest prerogatives of man, and the 
distinguishing characteristic which raises him above all other 
animals: let them laugh, therefore, if they will, provided 
they profit at the same time, and do not mistake our object. 
It is one of our indisputable facts that it is easier to laugh ten 
follies out of countenance than to coax, reason or flog a man 
out of one. In this odd, singular, and indescribable age, which 
is neither the age of gold, silver, iron, brass, chivalry, or pills, 



SALMAOUNDl 175 

as Sir John Carr asserts, a grave writer who attempts to 
attack folly with the heavy artillery of moral reasoning, will 
fare like Smollet's honest pedant, who clearly demonstrated by 
angles, &c. , after the manner of Euchd, that it was wrong to 
do evil ;— and was laughed at for his pains. Take my word for 
it, a little well-applied ridicule, like Hannibal's application of 
vinegar to rocks, will do more with certain hard heads and ob- 
durate hearts, than all the logic or demonstrations in Longinus 
or Euclid. But the people of Gotham, wise souls, are so much 
accustomed to see morality approach them clothed in formida- 
ble wigs and sable garbs, ' ' with leaden eye that loves the 
ground," that they can never recognize her when, drest in 
gay attire, she comes tripping towards them with smiles and 
sunsliine in her countenance. — Well, let the rogues remain in 
happy ignorance, for " ignorance is bliss," as the poets say; — 
and I put as imphcit faith in poetry as I do in the almanac or 
in the newspaper ; — we will improve them, without their being 
the wiser for it, and they shall become better in spite of their 
teeth, and without their having the least suspicion of the re- 
formation working within them. 

Araong all our manifold grievances, however, still some 
small but vivid rays of sunshine oc( asionally brighten along 
our path; cheering our steps, and in^ 'n^ us to persevere. 

The public have paid some little i ard to a few articles of 
our advice; — they have purchased our numbers freely; — so 
much the better for our publisher ; — they have read them at- 
tentively; — so much the better for themselves. The melan- 
choly fate of my dear aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect ; 
and I have now before me a letter from a gentleman who lives 
opposite to a couple of old ladies, remarkable for the interest 
they took in his affairs ; — his apartments were absolutely in a 
state of blockade, and he was on the point of changing his 
lodgings, or capitulating, until the appearance of our ninth 
number, which he immediately sent over with his compli- 
ments ; — the good ladies took the hint, and have scarcely ap- 
peared at their window since. As to the wooden gentlemen, 
our friend Miss Sparkle assures me, they are wonderfully im- 
proved by our criticisms, and sometimes venture to make a 
remark, or attempt a pun in company, to the great edification 
of all who happen to understand them. As to red shawls, they 
are entirely discarded from the fair shoulders of our ladies— 
ever since the last importation of finery ; — nor has any lady, 
since the cold weather, ventured to expose her elbows to the 



176 SALMAGUNDI. 

admiring gaze of scrutinizing passengers. But there is one 
victory we have achieved which has given us more pleasure 
than to have written down the whole administration : I am as- 
sured, from unquestionable authority, that our young ladies, 
doubtless in consequence of our weighty admonition, have not 
once indulged in that intoxicating, inflammatory, and whirh- 
gig dance, the waltz — ever since hot weather commenced. 
True it is, I understand, an attempt was made to exhibit it 
by some of the sable fair ones at the last African ball, but 
it was highly disapproved of by all the respectable elderly 
ladies present. 

These are sweet sources of comfort to atone for the many 
wrongs and misrepresentations heaped upon us by the world ; 
— for even we have experienced its ill-nature. How often 
have we heard ourselves reproached for the insidious apphca- 
tions of the uncharitable ! — how often have we been accused 
of emotions which never found an entrance into oiu* bosoms ! — 
how often have our sportive effusions been wrested to serve 
the purposes of particular enmity and bitterness! — Meddle- 
some spirits! little do they know our disposition; we "lack 
gall" to wound the feelings of a single umocent individual; we 
can even forgive them from the very bottom of our souls ; may 
they meet as ready a forgiveness from their own consciences ! 
like true and independent bachelors, having no domestic cares 
to interfere with our general benevolence, we consider it in- 
cumbent upon us to watch over the welfare of society ; and 
although we are indebted to the world for little else than left- 
handed favours, yet we feel a proud satisfaction in requiting 
evil with good, and the sneer of illiberality with the unfeigned 
smile of good humour. With these mingled motives of selfish- 
ness and philantliropy we commenced our work, and if we 
cannot solace ourselves with the consciousness of having done 
much good! yet there is still one pleasing consolation left, 
which the world can neither give nor take away. There 
are moments, — lingering moments of hstless indifference and 
heavy-hearted despondency, — when our best hopes and affec- 
tions shpping, as they sometimes will, from their hold on those 
objects to which they usually cling for support, seem aban- 
doned, on the wide waste of cheerless existence, without a 
place to cast anchor; without a shore in view to excite a 
single wish, or to give a momentary interest to contempla- 
tion. We look back with dehght upon many of these mo- 
ments of mental gloom, whiled away by the cheerful exercise 



^ALMAOUNDL 177 

of our pen, and consider every such triumph over the spleen as 
retarding the furrowing hand of time in its insidious encroach- 
ments on our brows. If, in addition to our own amusements, 
we have, as we jogged carelessly laughing along, brushed 
away one tear of dejection and called forth a smile in its place 
^if we have brightened the pale countenance of a single child 
of sorrow — we shaU feel almost as much joy and rejoicing as 
a slang-whanger does when he bathes his pen in the heart's 
blood of a patron and benefactor ; or sacrifices one more illus- 
trious victim on the altar of party animosity. 



TO READEES AND CORRESPONDENTS. 

It is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, in our pere- 
grinations about this blessed city, by certain critical gad-flies ; 
who buzz around and merely attack the skin, without ever 
being able to penetrate the body. The reputation of our prom- 
ising protege Jeremy Cockloft the younger, has been assailed 
by these skin-deep critics ; they have questioned his claims to 
originality, and even hinted that the ideas for his New-Jersey 
Tour were borrowed from a late work entitled " My Pocket- 
book." As there is no literary offence more despicable in the 
eyes of the trio than borrowing, we immediately called Jeremy 
to an account : when he proved, by the dedication of the work 
in question, that it was first published in London in March, 
1807 — and that his "Stranger in New- Jersey" had made its ap- 
pearance on the 24th of the preceding February. 

We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy with honour on 
the ground that it was impossible, knowing as he is, to bor- 
row from a foreign work one month before it was in existence ; 
when Will Wizard suddenly took up the cudgels for the crit- 
ics, and insisted that nothing was more probable; for he recol- 
lected reading of an ingenious Dutch author who plainly con- 
victed the ancients of steahng from his labours ! So much 

for criticism. 



We have received a host of friendly and admonitory letters 
from different quarters, and among the rest a very loving 
epistle from Georgetown, Columbia, signed |Teddy M'Gundy., 



X78 SALMAGUNDI. 

who addresses us by the name of Saul M'Gundy, and insists 
that we are descended from the same Irish progenitors, and 
nearly related. As friend Teddy seems to be an honest, merry 
rogue, we are sorry that we cannot admit his claims to kin- 
dred; we thank him, however, for his good-will, and should 
he ever be inclined to favour us with another epistle, we will 
hint to him, and, at the same time, to our other numerous cor- 
respondents, that their communications will be infinitely more 
acceptable, if they will just recollect Tom Shuffleton's advice^ 
*'pay the post-boy, Muggins." 



! 



SALMAGUNDI. 179 



NO. XIV.-SATURDAY, SEPT. 16, 1807. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUBA-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OP TRIPOLI. 

Health and joy to the friend of my heart ! — May the angel 
of peace ever watch over thy dwelhng, and the star of pros- 
perity shed its benignant lustre on all thy undertakings. Far 
other is the lot of thy captive friend;— his brightest hopes 
extend but to a lengthened period of weary captivity, and 
memory only adds to the measure of his griefs, by holding up 
a mirror which reflects with redoubled charms the hours of 
past felicity. In midnight slumbers my soul holds sweet con- 
verse with the tender objects of its affections;— it is then the 
exile is restored to his country ; — it is then the wide waste of 
waters that rolls between us disappears, and I clasp to my 
bosom the companion of my youth ; I awake and find it is but 
a vision of the night. The sigh will rise, — the tear of dejection 
wiU steal down my cheek : — I fly to my pen, and strive to for- 
get myself, and my sorrows, in conversing with my friend. 

In such a situation, my good Asem, it cannot be expected 
that I should be able so whoUy to abstract myself from my 
own feelings, as to give thee a full and systematic account of 
the singular people among whom my disastrous lot has been 
cast. I can only find leisure, from my own individual sor- 
rows, to entertain thee occasionally with some of the most 
prominent features of their character; and now and then a 
solitary picture of their most preposterous eccentricities. 

I have before observed, that among the distinguishing char- 
acteristics of the people of this logocracy, is their invincible 
love of talking ; and, that I could compare the nation to noth- 
ing but a mighty wind-mill. Thou art doubtless at a loss to 



180 SALMAGUNDI. 

conceive how this mill is supplied with grist; or, in othei 
words, how it is possible to furnish subjects to supply the per- 
petual motion of so many tongues. 

The genius of the nation appears in its highest lustre in this 
particular in the discovery, or rather the application, of a sub- 
ject which seems to supply an inexhaustible mine of words. 
It is nothing more, my friend, than politics; a word which, I 
declare to thee, has perplexed me almost as much as the re- 
doubtable one of economy. On consulting a dictionary of this 
language, I found it denoted the science of government ; and 
the relations, situations, and dispositions of states and empires. 
— Good, thought I, Cor a people who boast of governing them- 
selves there could not be a more important subject of investi- 
gation. I therefore listened attentively, expecting to hear 
from "the most enlightened people under the sun," for so they 
modestly term themselves, sublime disputations on the science 
of legislation and precepts of political wisdom that would not 
have disgraced our great prophet and legislator himself! — 
but, alas, Asem ! how continually are my expectations disap- 
pointed ! how dignified a meaning does this word bear in the 
dictionary ; — how despicable its common apphcation ; I find it 
extending to every contemptible discussion of local animosity, 
and every petty altercation of insignificant individuals. It 
embraces, alike, all manner of concerns ; from the organization 
of a divan, the election of a bashaw, or the levying of an army, 
to the appointment of a constable, the personal disputes of two 
miserable slang-whangers, the cleaning of the streets, or the 
economy of a dirt-cart. A couple of politicians wiU quarrel, 
with the most vociferous pertinacity, about the character of a 
bum-bailiff whom nobody cares for; or the deportment of a 
little great man whom nobody knows ; - and this is called talk- 
ing pontics ; nay ! it is but a few days since that I was annoyed 
by a debate between two of my fellow-lodgers, who were mag- 
nanimously employed in condemning a luckless wight to in- 
famy, because he chose to wear a red coat, and to entertain 
certain erroneous opinions some thirty years ago. Shocked at 
their iUiberal and vindictive spirit, I rebuked them for thus 
indulging in slander and uncharitableness, about the colour of 
a coat ; which had doubtless for many years been worn out ; 
or the behef in errors, which, in all probability, had been long 
since atoned for and abandoned ; but they justified themselves 
by alleging that they were only engaged in politics, and exert- 
ing that liberty of speech, and freedom of discussion, which 



SALMAGUNDI. \^\ 

was the glory and safeguard of their national independence. 
"Oh, Mahomet!" thought I, "what a country must that he, 
which builds its political safety on ruined characters and the 
persecution of individuals !" 

Into what transports of surprise and incredulity am I con- 
tinually betrayed, as the character of this eccentric people 
gradually developes itself to my observations. Every new re- 
search increases the perplexities in which I am involved, and I 
am more than ever at a loss where to place them in the scale 
of my estimation. It is thus the philosopher, in pursuing 
truth through the labyrinth of doubt, error, and misrepresenta- 
tion, frequently finds himself bewildered in the mazes of con- 
tradictory experience; and almost wishes he could quietly 
retrace his wandering steps, steal back into the path of honest 
ignorance, and jog on once more in contented indifference. 

How fertile in these contradictions is this extensive logoc- 
racy ! Men of different nations, manners, and languages live 
in this country in the most perfect harmony ; and nothing is 
more common than to see individuals, whose respective gov- 
ernments are at variance, taking each other by the hand and 
exchanging the offices of friendship. Nay, even on the subject 
of religion, which, as it affects our dearest interests, our earliest 
opinions and prejudices, some warmth and heart-burnings 
might be excused, which, even in our enlightened country, is 
so fruitful in difference between man and man !.— even religion 
occasions no dissension among these people ; and it has even 
been discovered by one of their sages that believing in one God 
or twenty Gods "neither breaks a man's leg nor picks his 
pocket." The idolatrous Persian may here bow down before 
his everlasting fire, and prostrate himself towards the glowing 
east. The Chinese may adore his Fo, or his Josh; the Egyp- 
tian his stork; and the Mussulman practise, unmolested, the 
divine precepts of our immortal prophet. Nay, even the for- 
lorn, abandoned Atheist, who lies down at night without com- 
mitting himself to the protection of heaven, and rises in the 
morning without returning thanks for his safety ;— wijo hath 
no deity but his own will;— whose soul, like the sandy desert, 
is barren of every flower of hope to throw a solitary bloom 
over the deal level of sterility and soften the wide extent of 
desolation ; — whose darkened views extend not beyond the hori- 
zon that bounds his cheerless existence;— to whom no blissful 
perspective opens beyond the grave;— even he is suffered to 
indulge in his desperate opinions, without exciting one other 



182 BALMAOXTNDt. 

emotion than pity or contempt. But this mild and tolerating 
spirit reaches not beyond the pale of religion : — once differ in 
politics, in mere theories, visions, and chimeras, the growth of 
interest, of folly, or madness, and deadly warfare ensues ; 
every eye flashes fire, every tongue is loaded with reproach, 
and every heart is filled with gall and bitterness. 

At this period several unjustifiable and serious injuries on 
the part of the barbarians of the British island, have given a 
new impulse to the tongue and the pen, and occasioned a 
terrible wordy fever.— Do not suppose, my friend, that I mean 
to condemn any proper and dignified expression of resentment 
for injuries. On the contrary, I love to see a word before a 
blow: for "in the fulness of the heart the tongue moveth." 
But my long experience has convinced me that people who 
talk the most about taking satisfaction for affronts, generally 
content themselves with talking instead of revenging the in- 
sult : like the street women of this country, who, after a pro- 
digious scolding, quietly sit down and fan themselves cool as 
fast as possible. But to return : — the rage for talking has now, 
in consequence of the aggressions I alluded to, increased to a 
degree far beyond what I have observed heretofore. In the 
gardens of his highness of Tripoli are fifteen thousand bee- 
hives, three hundred peacocks, and a prodigious number of 
parrots and baboons;— and yet I declare to thee, Asem, that 
their buzzing, and squaUing, and chattering is nothing com- 
pared to the wild uproar and war of words now raging within 
the bosom of this mighty and distracted logocracy. Politics 
pervade every city, every village, every temple, every porter- 
house ;— the universal question is, "what is the news?"— This 
is a kind of challenge to poHtical debate ; and as no two men 
think exactly alike, 'tis ten to one but before they finish all the 
polite phrases in the language are exhausted by way of giving 
fire and energy to argument. What renders this talking fever 
more alarming, is that the people appear to be in the unliappy 
state of a patient whose palate nauseates the medicine best cal- 
culated for the cure of his disease, and seem anxious to con- 
tinue in the full enjoyment of their chattering epidemic. They 
alarm each other by direful reports and fearful apprehensions: 
like I have seen a knot of old wives in this country entertain 
themselves with stories of ghosts and gobhns until their im- 
aginations were in a most agonizing panic. Every day begets 
some new tale, big with agitation; and the busy goddess, 
rumour, to speak in the poetic language of the Christians, is 



SALMAGUNDI. IS^ 

constantly in motion. She mounts her rattling stage-wagon 
and gallops about the country, freighted with a load of 
" hints," " informations," " extracts of lelters from respectable 
gentlemen," "observations of respectable correspondents, " and 
"unquestionable authorities;" — which her high-priests, the 
slang-whangers, retail to their sapient followers with all the 
solemnity — and all the authenticity of oracles. True it is, the 
unfortunate slang-whangers are sometimes at a loss for food to 
supply this insatiable appetite for intelligence; and are, not 
unf requently, reduced to the necessity of manufacturing dishes 
suited to the taste of the times : to be served up as morning 
and evening repasts to their disciples. 

When the hungry politician is thus full charged with im- 
portant information, he sallies forth to give due exercise to his 
tongue ; and tells all he knows to everybody he meets. Now 
it is a thousand to one that every person he meets is just as 
wise as himself, charged with the same articles of information, 
and possessed of the same violent inclination to give it vent ; 
for in this country every man adopts some particular slang- 
whanger as the standard of his judgment, and reads every 
thing he writes, if he reads nothing else ; which is doubtless 
the reason why the people of this logocracy are so marveloiisly 
enlightened. So away they tilt at each other with their bor- 
rowed lances, advancing to the combat with the opinions and 
speculations of their respective slang-whangers, which in all 
probability are diametricaUy opposite: — here, then, arises as 
fair an opportunity for a battle of words as heart could wish : 
and thou mayest rely upon it, Asem, they do not let it pass un^ 
improved. They sometimes begin with argument ; but in pro- 
cess of time, as the tongue begins to wax wanton, other auxil- 
iaries become necessary ; recrimination commences ; reproach 
follows close at its heels ; — from political abuse they proceed tc 
personal; and thus often is a friendship of years trampled 
down by this contemptible enemy, this gigantic dwarf of poli- 
tics, the mongrel issue of grovelling ambition and aspiring 
ignorance ! 

There would be but little harm indeed in all this, if it ended 
merely in a broken head ; for this might soon be healed, and 
the scar, if any remained, might serve as a wa^iiing ever after 

against the indulgence of poHtical intemperance; at the 

worst, the loss of such heads as these would be a gain to the 
nation. But the evil extends far deeper ; it threatens to impair 
all social intercourse, and even to sever the sacred union of 



184 SALMAGUNm. 

family and kindred. The convivial table is disturbed; the 
cheerful fireside is invaded; the smile of social hilarity is 
chased away ; — the bond of social love is broken by the ever- 
lasting intrusion of this fiend of contention, who lurks in the 
sparkling bowl, crouches by the fireside, "growls in the friendly 
circle, infests every avenue to pleasure ; and, like the scowling 
incubus, sits on the bosom of society, pressing down and 
smothering every throb and pulsation of liberal philanthropy. 

But thou wilt perhaps ask, ' ' What can these people dispute 
about? one would suppose that being all free and equal, they 
would harmonize as brothers; children of the same parent, 
and equal heirs of the same inheritance. " This theory is most 
exquisite, my good friend, but in practice it turns out the very 
dream of a madman. Equality, Asem, is one of the most con- 
summate scoundrels that ever crept from the brain of a politi- 
cal juggler — a feUow who thrusts his hand into the pocket of 
honest industry, or enterprising talent, and sqanders their 
hard-earned profits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. 
There will always be an inequality among mankind so long as 
a portion of it is enlightened and industrious, and the rest idle 
and ignorant. The one will acquire a larger share of wealth, 
and its attendant comforts, refinements, and luxuries of life; 
and the influence, and power, which those will always possess 
who have the greatest ability of administering to the neces- 
sities of their fellow-creatures. These advantages will inevi 
tably excite envy; and envy as inevitably begets ill-will:^ 
hence arises that eternal warfare, which the lower orders of 
society are waging against those who have raised themselves 
by their own merits, or have been raised by the merits of their 
ancestors, above the common level. Iti a nation possessed of 
quick feelings and impetuous passions, the hostility might en- 
gender deadly broils and bloody commotions; but here it 
merely vents itself in high-sounding words, which lead to con- 
tinual breaches of decorum ; or in the insidious assassination o 
character, and a restless "propensity among the base to blacken 
every reputation which is fairer than their own. 

I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solicitude with 
which the people of America, so called from the country hav- 
ing been first discovered by Christopher Columbus, battle 
about them when any election takes place ; as if they had the 
least concern in the matter, or were to be benefited by an 
exchange of bashaws; — they really seem ignorant th£.t none 
but the bashaws and their dependants are at all interested in 



8ALMAQUNDL 185 

the event ; and that the people at large will not find their situ- 
ation altered in the least. I formerly gave thee an account of 
an election which took place under my eye. — The result has 
been that the people, as some of the slang- w hangers say, have 
obtained a glorious triumph ; which, however, is flatly denied 
by the opposite slang- whangers, who insist that their party is 
composed of the true sovereign people; and that the others 
are all jacobins. Frenchmen, and Irish rebels. I ought to 
apprise thee that the last is a term of great reproach here; 
which, perhaps, thou wouldst not otherwise imagine, consider- 
ing that it is not many years since this very people were 
engaged in a revolution ; the failure of which would have sub- 
jected them to the same ignominious epithet, and a participa- 
tion in which is now the highest recommendation to public 
confidence. By Mahomet, but it cannot be denied, that the 
consistency of this people, like every thing else appertaining to 
them, is on a prodigious great scale ! To return, however, to 
the event of the election.— The people triumphed, and much 
good has it done them. I, for my part, expected to see won- 
derful changes, and most magical metamorphoses. I expected 
to see the people all rich, that they would be all gentlemen 
bashaws, riding in their coaches, and faring siunptuously every 
day; emancipated from toil, and revelling in luxurious ease. 
Wilt thou credit me, Asem, when I declare to thee that every 
thing remains exactly in the same state it was before the last 
wordy campaign?— except a few noisy retainers, who have 
crept int(^ office, and a few noisy patriots, on the other side, 
who have been kicked out, there is not the least difference. 
The labourer toils for his daily support ; the beggar still lives 
on the charity of those who have any charity to bestow ; and 
the only solid satisfaction the multitude have reaped is, that 
they have got a new governor, or bashaw, whom they will 
praise, idolize, and exalt for a while ; and afterwards, notwith- 
standing the sterling merits he really possesses, in compliance 
with immemorial custom, they will abuse, calumniate, and 
Uample him under foot. 

Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which the wise people of 
"the most enlightened country under the sun" are amused 
with straws and puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a certain 
fish I have seen here, which, having his belly tickled for a short 
time, will swell and puff himself up to twice his usual size, and 
become a mere bladder of wind and vanity. 

The blessing of a true Mussulman light on thee, good Asem : 



186 SALMAGUNDI. 

ever while thou livest be true to thy prophet ; and rejoice, that, 
though the boasting poHtical chatterers of this logocracy cast 
upon thy countrymen the ignominious epithet of slaves, thou 
livest in a country where the people, instead of being at the 
mercy of a tyrant with a million of heads, have nothing to do 
but submit to the will of a bashaw of only three tails. 

Ever thine, Mustapha. 



COCKLOFT HALL. 

BY LATJNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Those who pass their time immured in the smoky circumfer- 
ence of the city, amid the rattling of carts, the brawling of the 
multitude, and the variety of unmeaning and discordant 
sounds that prey insensibly upon the nerves and beget a weari- 
ness of the spirits, can alone understand and feel that expan- 
sion of the heart, that physical renovation which a citizen 
experiences when he steals forth from his dusty prison to 
breathe the free air of heaven and enjoy the clear face of 
nature. Who that has rambled by the side of one of our ma- 
jestic rivers at the hour of sunset, when the wildly romantic 
scenery around is softened and tinted by the voluptuous mist 
of evening ; when the bold and swelling outlines of the distant 
mountain seem melting into the glowing horizon and a rich 
mantle of refulgence is thrown over the whole Expanse of the 
heavens, but must have felt how abundant is nature in 
sources of pure enjoyment; how luxuriant in all that can 
enliven the senses or delight the imagination. The jocund 
zephyr, full freighted with native fragrance, sues sweetly to 
the senses; the chirping of the thousand varieties of insects 
with which our woodlands abound, forms a concert of simple 
melody ; even the barking of the farm dog, the lowing of the 
cattle, the tinkling of their bells, and the strokes of the wood- 
man's axe from the opposite shore, seem to partake of ftie soft- 
ness of the scene and fall tunefully upon the ear; while the 
voice of the villager, chanting some rustic ballad, swells from a 
distance in the semblance of the very music of harmonious love. 

At such time I feel a sensation of sweet tranquillity; a 
hallowed calm is diffused over my senses; I cast my eyes 



SALMAGUNDI. 



187 



around, and every object is serene, simple, and beautiful ; no 
warring passion, no discordant string there vibrates to the 
touch of ambition, self-interest, hatred, or revenge ; — I am at 
peace with the whole world, and hail all mankind as friends 
and brothers.— Blissful moments! ye recall the careless days of 
my boyhood, when mere existence was happiness, when hope 
was certainty, this world a paradise, and every woman a min- 
istering angel !— surely man was designed for a tenant of the 
universe, instead of being pent up in these dismal cages, these 
dens of strife, disease, and discord. We were created to range 
the fields, to sport among the groves, to build castles in the air, 
and have every one of them realized ! 

A whole legion of reflections like these insinuated themselves 
into my mind, and stole me from the influence of the cold reah- 
ties before me, as I took my accustomed walk, a few weeks 
since, on the battery. Here watching the splendid mutations 
of one of our summer skies, which emulated the boasted glories 
of an Italian sun-set, I all at once discovered that it was but to 
pack up my portmanteau, bid adieu for awhile to my elbow- 
chair, and in a little time I should be transported from the re- 
gion of smoke, and noise, and dust, to the enjoyment of a far 
sweeter prospect and a brighter sky. The next morning I was 
off full tilt to Cockloft-Hall, leaving my man Pompej^ to follow 
at his leisure with my baggage. I love to indulge in rapid 
transitions, which are prompted by the quick impulse of the 
moment;— 'tis the only mode of guarding against that intrud- 
ing and deadlj^ foe to all parties of pleasure,— anticipation. 

Having now made good my retreat, until the black frosts 
commence, it is but a piece of civility due to my readers, who I 
trust are, ere this, my friends, to give them a proper introduc- 
tion to my present residence. I do this as much to gratify 
them as myself: well knowing a reader is always anxious to 
learn how his author is lodged, whether in a garret, a cellar, a 
hovel, or a palace ; at least an author is generally vain enough 
to think so ; and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be 
gratified; poor vagabond ! it is often the only gratification he 
ever tastes in this world ! 

Cockloft-hall is the country residence of the family, or 
rather the paternal mansion ; which, like the mother country, 
sends forth whole colonies to populate the face of the earth! 
Pindar whimsically denominates it the family hive ! and there 
is at least as much truth as humour in my cousin's epithet ;— 
for many a redundant swarna has it produced, I don't recollect 



l^Q SALMAGUNDI. 

whether I have at any time mentioned to my readers, for I 
seldom look back on what I have written, that the fertility of 
the Cocklofts is proverbial. The female members of the family 
are most incredibly fruitful ; and to use a favourite phrase of 
old Cockloft, who is excessively addicted to backgammon, 
they seldom fail "to throw doublets every time." I myself 
have known three or four very industrious young men reduced 
to great extremities, with some of these capital breeders; 
heaven smiled upon their union, and enriched them with a 
numerous and hopeful offspring — who eat them out of doors. 

But to return to the hall. — It is pleasantly situated on the 
bank of a sweet pastoral stream : not so near town as to invite 
an inundation of unmeaning, idle acquaintance, who come to 
lounge away an afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an 
absolute deed of charity or friendship to perform the journey. 
It is one of the oldest habitations in the country, and was 
built by my cousin Christopher's grandfather, who was also 
mine by the mother's side, in his latter days, to form, as the old 
gentleman expressed himself, "a snug retreat, where he mean.] 
to sit himself down in his old days and be comfortable for the 
rest of his life." He was at this time a few years over four 
score : but this was a common saying of his, with which he 
usually closed his airy speculations. One would have thought, 
from the long vista of years through which he contemplated 
many of his projects, that the good man had forgot the age of 
the patriarchs had long since gone by, and calculated upon 
living a century longer at least. He was for a considerable 
tim© in doubt on the question of roofing his house with shingles 
or slate :— shingles would not last above thirty years ! but then 
they were much cheaper than slates. He settled the matter by 
a kind of compromise, and determined to build with shingles 
first; "and when they are worn out," said the old gentleman, 
triumphantly, "'twill be time enough to replace them with 
more durable materials !" But his contemplated improvements 
surpassed everything; and scarcely had he a roof over liis 
head, when he discovered a thousand things to be arranged 
before he could "sit down comfortably." In the first place, 
every tree and bush on the place was cut down or grubbed up 
by the roots, because they were not placed to his mind ; and a 
vast quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and elms, set out in clumps 
and rows, and labyrinths, which he observed in about five-and- 
twenty or thirty years at most, would yield a very tolerable 
shade, and^ moreover, shut out all th© surrounding country; 



SALMAGUNDI. 189 

for he was determined, he said, to have all his views on his 
own land, and be beholden to no man for a prospect. This, 
my learned readers will perceive, was something very Hke the 
idea of Lorenzo de Medici, who gave as a reason for preferring 
one of his seats above all the others, "that all the ground 
within view of it was his own:" now, whether my grandfather 
ever heard of the Medici, is more than I can say; I rather 
think, however, from the characteristic originality of the 
Cocklofts, that it was a whim-wham of his own begetting. 
Another odd notion of the old gentleman was to blow up a 
large bed of rocks, for the purpose of having a fish-pond, 
although the river ran at about one hundred yards distance 
from the house, and was well stored with fish ; — but there was 
nothing, he said, like having things to one's-self. So at it he 
went with all the ardour of a projector who has just hit upon 
some splendid and useless whim-wham. As he proceeded, his 
views enlarged; he would have a summer-house built on the 
margin of the fish-pond ; he would have it surrounded with 
elms and willows ; and he would have a cellar dug under it, 
for some incomprehensible purpose, which remains a secret to 
this day. "In a few years," he observed, "it would be a de- 
lightful piece of wood and water, where he might ramble on a 
summer's noon, smoke his pipe, and enjoy liimself in his old 
days:"— thrice honest old soul! — he died of an apoplexy in 
his ninetieth year, just as he had begun to blow up the fish- 
pond. 

Let no one ridicule the whim- whams of my grandfather. ■ 

If — ^and of this there is no doubt, for wise men have said it — if 
life is but a dream, happy is he who can make the most of the 
illusion. 

Since my grandfather's death, the hall has passed through 
the hands of a succession of true old cavaliers, hke himself, 
who gloried in observing the golden rules of hospitality; 
which, according to the Cockloft principle, consist in giving a 
guest the freedom of the house, cramming him with beef and 
pudding, and, if possible, laying him under the table with 
prime port, claret, or London particular. The mansion ap- 
pears to have been consecrated to the jolly god, and teems 
with monuments sacred to conviviality. Every chest of draw- 
ers, clothes-press, and cabinet, is decorated with enormous 
China punch-bowls, which Mrs. Cockloft has paraded with 
much ostentation, particularly in her favourite red damask 
bed-chamber, and in which a projector might, with great sati^ 



190 SALMAGUNDI. 

faction, practise his experiments on fleets, diving-bells, and 
sub-marine boats. 

I have before mentioned cousin Christopher's profound ven- 
eration for antique furniture ; in consequence of which the old 
hall is furnished in much the same style with the house in 
town. Old-fashioned bedsteads, with high testers; massy 
clothes-presses, standing most majestically on eagles' claws, 
and ornamented with a profusion of shining brass handles, 
clasps, and hinges ; and around the grand parlour are solemnly 
arranged a set of high-backed, leather-bottomed, massy, ma- 
hogany chairs, that always remind me of the formal long- 
waisted belles, who flourished in stays and buckram, about the 
time they were in fashion. 

If I may judge from their height, it was not the fashion for 
gentlemen in those days to loll over the back of a lady's chair, 
and whisper in her ear what — might be as well spoken aloud ; — 
at least, they must have been Patagonians to have effected it. 
Will Wizard declares that he saw a httle fat German gallant 
attempt once to whisper Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner, 
but being unluckily caught by the chin, he dangled and kicked 
about for half a minute, before he could find terra firma ;— but 
Will is much addicted to hyperbole, by reason of his having 
been a great traveller. 

But what the Cocklofts most especially pride themselves 
upon, is the possession of several family portraits, which ex- 
hibit as honest a square set of portly, well-fed looking gentle- 
men, and gentlewomen, as ever grew and flourished under the 
pencil of a Dutch painter. Old Christopher, who is a complete 
genealogist, has a story to tell of each; and dilates with co- 
pious eloquence on the great services of the general in large 
sleeves, during the old French war ; and on the piety of the lady 
in blue velvet, who so attentively peruses her book, and was 
once so celebrated for a beautiful arm : but much as I rever- 
ence my illustrious ancestors, 1 find little to admire in their 
Diography, except my cousin's excellent memory; which is 
most provokingly retentive of every uninteresting particular. 

My allotted chamber in the hall is the same that was occupied 
in days of yore by my honoured uncle John. The room exhib- 
its many memorials which recall to my remembrance the solid 
excellence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old lad. 
Over the mantel-piece hangs the portrait of a young lady 
dressed in a flaring, long-waisted, blue-silk gown ; be-flowered, 
and be-furbelowed, and be-cuffed, in a most abundant manner 



SALMAGUNDI. 191 

slie holds in one hand a book, which she very complaisantly 
neglects to turn and smile on the spectator; in the other a 
flower, which I hope, for the honour of dame nature, was the 
sole production of the painter's imagination ; and a little behind 
her is something tied to a blue riband, but whether a little dog, 
a monkey, or a pigeon, must be left to the judgment of future 
commentators. The little damsel, tradition says, was my 
uncle John's third flame; and he would infalhbly have run 
away with her, could he have persuaded her into the measure ; 
but at that time ladies were not quite so easily run away with 
as Columbine ; and my uncle, failing in the point, took a lucky 
thought; and with great gallantry ran off with her picture, 
which he conveyed in triumph to Cockloft-hall, and hung up 
in his bed-chamber as a monument of his enterprising spirit. 
The old gentleman prided himseK mightily on this chivalric 
manoeuvre ; always chuckled, and pulled up his stock when he 
contemplated the picture, and never related the exploit without 
winding up with — "I might, indeed, have carried off the origi- 
nal, had I chose to dangle a httle longer after her chariot- 
wheels; — for, to do the girl justice, I believe she had a liking 
for me ; but I always scorned to coax, my boy,— always, — 'twas 
my way." My uncle John was of a happy temperament; — I 
would give half I am worth for his talent at self -consolation. 

The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited attempts to 
introduce modern furniture into the hall; Dut with very indif- 
ferent success. Modern style has always been an object of 
great annoyance to honest Christopher ; and is ever treated by 
him with sovereign contempt, as an upstart intruder. — It is a 
common observation of his, that your old-fashioned substantial 
furniture bespeaks the respectabihty of one's ancestors, and in- 
dicates that the family has been used to hold up its head for 
more than the present generation ; whereas the fragile appen- 
dages of modern style seemed to be emblems of mushroom 
gentility ; and, to his mind, predicted that the family dignity 
would moulder away and vanish with the finery thus put on 
of a sudden. — The same whim- wham makes him averse to hav 
ing his house surrounded with poplars ; which he stigmatizes 
as mere upstarts ; just fit to ornament the shingle palaces of 
modern gentry, and characteristic of the establishments they 
decorate. Indeed, so far does he carry his veneration for all 
the antique tinimpery, that he can scarcely see the venerable 
dust brushed from its resting place on the old-fashioned testers ; 
or a gray -bearded spider dislodged from his ancient inheritance 



192 SALMAOUNDl 

without groaning ; and I once saw him in a transport of passion 
on Jeremy's knocking down a mouldering martin-coop with his 
tennis-ball, which had been set up in the latter days of my 
grandfather. Another object of his peculiar affection is an old 
English cherry tree, which leans against a corner of the hall ; 
and whether the house supports it, or it supports the house, 
would be, I believe, a question of some difficulty to decide. It 
is held sacred by friend Christopher because he planted and 
reared it himself, and had once well-nigh broke his neck by a 
fall from one of its branches. This is one of his favourite 
stories : — and there is reason to believe, that if the tree was 
out of the way, the old gentleman would forget the whole af- 
fair ;— which would be a great pity. — The old tree has long since 
ceased bearing, and is exceedingly infirm ;— every tempest robs 
it of a limb ; and one would suppose from the lamentations of 
my old friend, on such occasions, that he had lost one of his 
own. He often contemplates it in a half -melancholy, half- 
moralizing humour — "together, "he says, "have we flourished, 
and together shall we wither away : — a few years, and both our 
heads will be laid low; and, perhaps, my mouldering bones 
may, one day or other, mingle with the dust of the tree I have 
planted." He often fancies, he^ays, that it rejoices to see him 
when he revisits the hall ; and that its leaves assume a brighter 
verdure, as if to welcome his arrival. How whimsically are 
our tenderest feelings assailed ! At one time the old tree had 
obtinided a withered branch before Miss Barbara's window, and 
she desired her father to order the gardener to saw it off. I 
shall never forget tlie old man's answer, and the look that ac- 
companied it. "What," cried he, "lop off the limbs of my 
cherry tree in its old age ? — why do you not cut off the gray 
locks of your poor old father ?" 

Do my readers yawn at this long family detail ? They are 
welcome to throw down our work, and never resume it again. 
I have no care for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw 
away a thought on one of them ;— full often have I contributed 
to their amusement, and have I not a right, for once, to consult 
my own ? Who is there that does not fondly turn, at times, to 
linger round those scenes which were once the haunt of his boy- 
hood, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed gray ;— and 
to dwell with fond affection on the friends who have twined 

themselves round his heart, mingled in all his enjoyments, 

contributed to all his felicities ? If there be any who can- 
not relish these enjoyments, let them despair;— for they ha^e 



SALMAGtlNm. 193 

been so soiled in their intercourse with the world, as to be in- 
capable of tasting some of the purest pleasures that survive the 
happy period of youth. 

To such as have not yet lost the rural feeling, I address this 
simple family picture ; and in the honest sincerity of a warm 
heart, I invite them to turn aside from bustle, care, and toil, 
to tarry with me for a season, in the hospitable mansion of the 
Cocklofts. 



I WAS really apprehensive, on reading the following effusion 
of Will Wizard, that he still retained that pestilent hankering 
after puns of which we lately convicted him. He, however, 
aeclares, that he is fully authorized by the example of the most 
popular critics and wits of the present age, whose manner and 
matter he has closely, and he flatters himself successfully, 
copied in the subsequent essay. 



THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

The uncommon healthiness of the season, occasioned, as 
several learned physicians assure me, by the universal preva- 
lence of the influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our dra- 
matic corps to marshal his forces, and to commence the cam- 
paign at a much earlier day than usual. He has been induced 
to take the field thus suddenly, I am told, by the invasion of 
certain foreign marauders, who pitched their tents at Vauxhall- 
Garden during the warm months ; and taking advantage of his 
army being disbanded and dispersed in summer quarters, com- 
mitted sad depredations upon the borders of his territories :— 
carrying off a considerable portion of his winter harvest, and 
murdering some of his most distinguished characters. 

It is true, these hardy invaders have been reduced to great 
extremity by the late heavy rains, which injured and de- 
stroyed much of their camp-equipage ; besides spoiling the best 
part of their wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a 
new moon for Cinderella, together with the barber's boy who 
was employed every night to powder and make it shine white, 



194 ' SALMAGUNDI 

have been entirely washed away, and the sea has become very 
wet and mouldy; insomuch that great apprehensions are 
entertained that it will never be dry enough for use. Add to 
this the noble county Paris had the misfortune to tear his cor- 
duroy breeches, in the scuffie v/ith Eomeo, by reason of the 
tomb being very wet, which occasioned him to shp ; and he 
and his noble rival possessing but one poor pair of satin ones 
between them, were reduced to considerable shifts to keep up 
the dignity of their respective houses. In spite of these disad- 
vantages, and the untoward circumstances, they continued to 
enact most intrepidly ; performing with much ease and confi- 
dence, inasmuch as they were seldom pestered with an audi- 
ence to criticise and put them out of countenance. It is 
rumoured that the last heavy shower absolutely dissolved the 
company, and that our manager has nothing further to appre- 
hend from that quarter. 

The theatre opened on Wednesday last, with great eclat, as 
we critics say, and almost vied in brilliancy with that of my 
superb friend Consequa in Canton ; where the castles were all 
ivory, the sea mother-of-pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, 
and the outside of the boxes inlaid with scallop shell-work. 
Those who want a better description of the theatre, may as 
well go and see it ; and then they can judge for themselves. 
For the gratification of a highly respectable class of readers, 
who love to see every thing on paper, I had indeed prepared a 
circumstantial and truly incomprehensible account of it, such 
as your traveller always fills his book with, and which I defy 
the most intelligent architect, even the great Sir Christopher 
Wren, to understand. I had jumbled cornices, and pilasters, 
and pillars, and capitals, and trigliphs, and modules, and 
plinths, and volutes, and perspectives, and foreshortenings, 
helter-skelter; and had set all the orders of architecture, Doric, 
Ionic, Corinthian, etc. , together by the ears, in order to work 
out a satisfactory description ; but the manager having sent 
me a polite note, requesting that I would not take off the sharp 
edge, as he whimsically expresses it, of public curiosity, thereby 
diminishing the receipts of his house, I have willingly con- 
sented to oblige him, and have left my description at the store 
of our publisher, where any person may see it — provided he 
applies at a proper hour. 

I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the satisfaction 
I received from the excellent performances of the different 
actors one and aU; and particularly the gentlemen who shifted 



SALMAGUNDI. 195 

the scenes, who acquitted themselves throughout with great 
celerity, dignity, pathos and effect. Nor must I pass over the 
peculiar merits of my friend John, who gallanted off the 
chairs and tables in the most dignified and circumspect man- 
ner. Indeed, I have had frequent occasion to applaud the cor- 
rectness with which this gentleman fulfils the parts allotted 
him, and consider him as one of the best general performers in 
the company. My friend, the cockney, found considerable 
fault with the manner in which John shoved a huge rock from 
behind the scenes ; maintaining that he should have put his left 
foot forward, and pushed it with his right hand, that being the 
method practised by his contemporaries of the royal theatres, 
and universally approved by their best critics. He also took 
exception to John's coat, which he pronounced too short by a 
foot at least; particularly when he turned his back to the com- 
pany. But I look upon these objections in the same light as 
new readings, and insist that John shall be allowed to 
manoeuvre his chairs and tables, shove his rocks, and wear his 
skirts in that style which his genius best effects. My hopes in 
the rising merit of this favourite actor daily increase ; and I 
would hint to the manager the propriety of giving him a 
benefit, advertising in the usual style of play- bills, as a 
"springe to catch woodcocks," that, between the play and 
farce, John will make a bow— for that night only ! 

1 am told that no pains have been spared to make the exhibi- 
tions of this season as splendid as possible. Several expert cat- 
catchers have been sent into different parts of the country to 
catch white mice for the grand pantomime of Cinderella. A 
nest full of httle squab Cupids have been taken in the neigh- 
bourhood of Communipaw ; they are as yet but half fledged, 
of the true Holland breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly 
about by the middle of October ; otherwise they will be sus- 
pended about the stage by the waistband, like little alligators 
in an apothecary's shop, as the pantomime must positively be 
performed by that time. Great pains and expense have been 
incurred in the importation of one of the raost portly pump- 
kins in New-England ; and the public may be assured there is 
now one on board a vessel from New-Haven, which will con- 
tain Cinderella's coach and six with perfect ease, were the 
white mice even ten times as large. 

Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, and gunpowder, 
are in store for melo-dramas; of which a number are to be 
played off this winter. It is furthermore whispered me that 



196 SALMAGUNDI. 

the great thunder-drum has heen new braced, and an expert 
performer on that instrument engaged, who will thunder in 
plain English, so as to be understood by the most illiterate 
hearer. This will be infinitely preferable to the miserable 
Italian thunderer employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who 
performed in such an unnatural and outlandish tongue that 
none but the scholars of signor Da Ponte could understand 
him. It will be a further gratification to the patriotic audi- 
ence to know, that the present thunderer is a fellow-country- 
man, bom at Dunderbarrack, among the echoes of the High- 
lands ; — and that he thunders with pecuhar emphasis and pom 
pous enunciation, in the true style of a fourth of July orator. 

In addition to all these additions, the manager has provided 
an entire new snow-storm; the very sight of which will be 
quite sufficient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom in the 
theatre; the snow is perfectly fresh, having been manufac- 
tured last August. 

N. B. The outside of the theatre has been ornamented with a 
new chimney I ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 197 



NO. XV.- -THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. 



SKETCHES FROM NATURE. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The brisk north-westers, which prevailed not long since, had 
a powerful effect in arresting the progress of belles, beaux, and 
wild pigeons in their fashionable northern tour, and turning 
them back to the more balmy region of the South. Among 
the rest, I was encountered, full butt, by a blast which set my 
teeth chattering, just as I doubled one of the frowning bluffs 
of the Mohawk mountains, in my route to Niagara ; and facing 
about incontinently, I forthwith scud before the wind, and a 
few days since arrived at my old quarters in New-York. My 
first care, on returning from so long an absence, was to visit 
the worthy family of the Cocklofts, whom I found safe, bur- 
rowed in their country mansion. On inquiring for my highly 
respected coadjutor, Langstaff, I learned with great concern 
that he had relapsed into one of his eccentric fits of the spleen, 
ever since the era of a turtle dinner given by old Cockloft to 
some of the neighbouring squires ; wherein the old gentleman 
had achieved a glorious victory, in laying honest Launcelot 
fairly under the table. Langstaff, although fond of the social 
board, and cheerful glass, yet abominates any excess ; and has 
an invincible aversion to getting mellow, considering it a wil- 
ful outrage on the sanctity of imperial mind, a senseless abuse 
of the body, and an unpardonable, because a voluntary, pros- 
tration of both mental and personal dignity. I have heard 
him moralize on the subject, in a style that would have done 
honour to Michael Cassia himself; but I believe, if the truth 
were known, this antipathy rather arises from his having, as 
the phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves so extremely sensi- 
tive, that he is sure to suffer severely from a froUc ; and w!U 



198 SALMAGUNDI. 

groan and make resolutions against it for a week afterwards. 
He therefore took this waggish exploit of old Christopher's, and 
the consequent quizzing which he underwent, in high dudgeon, 
had kept aloof from company for a fortnight, and appeared to 
be meditating some deep plan of retahation upon his mis- 
chievous old crony. He had, however, for the last day or two, 
shown some symptoms of convalescence : had listened, without 
more than half a dozen twitches of impatience, to one of Chris- 
topher's unconscionable long stories; and even was seen to 
smile, for the one hundred and thirtieth time, at a venerable 
joke originally borrowed from Joe Miller: but which, by dint 
of long occupancy, and frequent repetition, the old gentleman 
now firmly beheves happened to himself somewhere in New- 
England. 

As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's haunts, I soon 
found him out. He was lolling on his favourite bench, rudely 
constructed at the foot of an old tree, which is full of fantasti- 
cal twists, and with its spreading branches forms a canopy of 
luxuriant foliage. This tree is a kind of chronicle of the short 
reigns of his uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely 
wounded with carvings of true lovers' knots, hearts, darts, 
names, and inscriptions!— frail memorials of the variety of the 
fair dames who captivated the wandering fancy of that old 
cavalier in the days of his youthful romance. Launcelot holds 
this tree in particular regard, as he does every thing else con- 
nected with the memory of his good uncle John. He was re- 
clining, in one of his usual brown studies, against its trunk, 
and gazing pensively upon the river that glided just by, wash- 
ing the drooping branches of the dwarf willows that fringed its 
bank.. My appearance roused him;— he grasped my hand with 
his usual warmth, and with a tremulous but close pressure, 
wliich spoke that his heart entered into the salutation. After 
a number of affectionate inquiries and felicitations, such as 
friendship, not form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his 
former flow of thought, and to resume the chain of ideas my 
appearance had broken for a moment. 

"I was reflecting," said he, "my dear Anthony, upon some 
observations I made in our last number; and considering 
Avhether the sight of objects once dear to the affections, or of 
scenes where we have passed different happy periods of early 
life, really occasions most enjoyment or most regret. Renew- 
ing our acquaintance with well-known but long-separated ob- 
jects, revives, it is true, the recollection of former pleasures, 



SALMAOUNDL I99 

and touches the tenderest feelings of the heart ; like the flavour 
of a delicious beverage will remain upon the palate long after 
the cup has parted from the lips. But on the other hand, my 
friend, these same objects are too apt to awaken us to a keener 
recollection of what we were, when they erst delighted us ; to 
provoke a mortifying and melancholy contrast with what we 
are at present. They act, in a manner, as milestones of exist- 
ence, showing us how far we have travelled in the journey of 
life ;— how much of our weary but fascinating pilgrimage is 
accomphshed. I look round me, and my eye fondly recognizes 
the fields I once sported over, the river in which I once swam, 
and the orchard I intrepidly robbed in the halcyon days of 
boyhood. The fields are still green, the river still rolls un- 
altered and undiminished, and the orchard is still flourishing 
and fruitful ; — it is I only am changed. The thoughtless flow 
of mad-cap spirits that nothing could depress;— the elasticity 
of nerve that enabled me to bound over the field, to stem the 
stream, and climb the tree ;— the ' sunshine of the breast ' that 
beamed an illusive charm over every object, and created a 
paradise around me! — where are they? — the thievish lapse of 
years has stolen them away, and left in return nothing but 
gray hairs, and a repining spirit." My friend Launcelot con- 
cluded his harangiie with a sigh, and as I saw he was still 
under the influence of a whole legion of the blues, and just on 
the point of sinking into one of his whimsical and unreason- 
able fits of melancholy abstraction, I proposed a walk ;— he con- 
sented, and slipping his left arm in mine, and waving in the 
other a gold-heaoed thorn cane, bequeathed him by his uncle 
John, we slowly rambled along the margin of the river. 

Langstaff , though possessing great vivacity of temper, is 
most wofuUy subject to these "thick coming fancies:" and I 
do not know a man whose animal spirits do insult him with 
more jiltings, and coquetries, and slippery tricks. In these 
moods he is often visited by a whim- wham which he indulges 
in common with the Cocklofts. It is that of looking back with 
regret, conjuring up the phantoms of good old times, and deck- 
ing them out in imaginary finery, with the spoils of his fancy ; 
Hke a good lady widow, regretting the loss of the " poor dear 
man ;" for whom, while living, she cared not a rush. I have 
seen him and Pindar, and old Cockloft, amuse themselves over 
a bottle with their youthful days ; until by the time they had 
become what is termed merry, they were the most miserable 
beings in existence. In a similar humour was Launcelot at 



200 SALMAGUNDI. 

present, and 1 knew the only way was to let him moralize 
himself out of it. 

Our ramble was soon interrupted by the appearance of a 
personage of no httle inaportance at Cockloft-hall; — for, to let 
my readers into a family secret, friend Christopher is notori- 
ously hen pecked by an old negro, who has whitened on the 
place; and is his master, almanac, and counsellor. My read- 
ers, if haply they have sojourned in the country, and become 
conversant in rural manners, must have observed, that there is 
scarce a little hamlet but has one of these old weather-beaten 
wiseacres of negroes, who ranks among the great characters of 
the place. He is always resorted to as an oracle to resolve any 
question about the weather, fishing, shooting, farming, and 
horse-doctoring : and on such occasions will slouch his remnant 
of a hat on one side, fold his arms, roll his white eyes, and 
examine the sky, with a look as knowing as Peter Pindar's 
magpie when peeping into a marrow-bone. Such a sage 
curmudgeon is Old Csesar, who acts as friend Cockloft's prime 
minister or grand vizier ; assumes, when abroad, his master's 
style and title ; to wit, squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, abso- 
lute lord and ruler of the soil. 

As he passed us he pulled off his hat with an air of some- 
thing more than respect ;— it partook, I thought, of affection. 
"There, now, is another memento of the kind I have been 
noticing," said Launcelot; "Csesar was a bosom friend and 
chosen playmate of cousin Pindar and myself, when we were 
boys. Never were we so happy as when, stealing away on a 
holiday to the hall, we ranged about the fields with hones^ 
Csesar. He was particularly adroit in making our quail-traps 
and fishing-rods; was always the ring-leader in all the schemes 
of frolicksome mischief perpetrated by the urchins of the 
neighbourhood ; considered himself on an equality with the 
best of us; and many a hard battle have I had with him, 
about a division of the spoils of an orchard, or the title to a 
bird's nest. Many a summer evening do I remember when 
huddled together on the steps of the hall door, Ceesar, with his 
stories of ghosts, goblins, and witches, would put us all in a 
panic, and people every lane, and church-yard, and sohtary 
wood, with imaginary beings. In process of time, he became 
the constant attendant and Man Friday of cousin Pindar, 
whenever he went a sparking among the rosy country girls 
of the neighbouring farms; and brought up his rear at every 
rustic dance, when he would mingle in the sable group that 



SALMAGUNDI. 201 

always thronged the door of nierriment ; and it was enough to 
put to the rout a host of splenetic imps to see his mouth grad- 
ually dilate from ear to ear, with pride and exultation, at see- 
ing how neatly master Pindar footed it over the floor. Caesar 
was likewise the chosen confidant and special agent of Pindar 
in all his love affairs, until, as his evil stars would have it, on 
being entrusted with the dehvery of a poetic billetdoux to one 
of his patron's sweethearts, he took an unlucky notion to send 
it to his own sable dulcinea; who, not being able to read it, 
took it to her mistress ; — and so the whole affair was blown. 
Pindar was universally roasted, and Ceesar discharged for 
ever from his confidence. 

' ' Poor Csesar ! — he has now grown old, like his young 
masters, but he still remembers old times ; and will, now and 
then, remind me of them as he lights me to my room, and 

lingers a little while to bid me a good-night : believe me, my 

dear Evergreen, the honest, simple old creature has a warm 
corner in my heart; — I don't see, for my part, why a body 
may not like a negro as well as a white man !" 

By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we had 
reached the stable, into which we involuntarily strolled, and 
found Caesar busily employed in rubbing down the horses ; an 
office he would not entrust to any body else; having con- 
tracted an affection for every beast in the stable, from their 
being descendants of the old race of animals, his youthful con- 
temporaries. Caesar was very particular in giving us their 
pedigrees, together with a panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, 
blood, and spirit of their sires. From these he digressed into a 
variety of anecdotes, in wliich Launcelot bore a conspicuous 
part, and on which the old negro dwelt with all the garrulity 
of age. Honest Langstaff stood leaning with his arm over the 
back of his favourite steed, old Killdeer ; and I could perceive 
he listened to Caesar's simple details with that fond attention 
with which a feeling mind will hang over narratives of boyish 
days. His eyes sparkled with animation, a glow of youthful 
fire stole across his pale visage ; he nodded with smiling appro- 
bation at every sentence ; — chuckled at every exploit ; laughed 
heartily at the story of his once having smoked out a country 
singing-school with brimstone and assaf oetida ; — and slipping a 
piece of money into old Caesar's hand to buy himself a new 
tobacco-box, he seized me by the arm and hurried out of the 
stable brimfuU of good-nature. " 'Tis a pestilent old rogue for 
talking, my dear fellow," cried he, "but you must not find 



302 8ALMA0UNDL 

fault with him, — ^the creature means well." I knew at the 
very moment that he made this apology, honest Caesar could 
not have given him half the satisfaction had he talked like a 
Cicero or a Solomon. 

Launcelot returned to the house with me in the best possible 
humour: — the whole famUy, who, in truth, love and honour 
him from their very souls, were delighted to see the sunbeams 
once more play in his countenance. Every one seemed to vie 
who should talk the most, tell the. longest stories, and be most 
agreeable ; and Will Wizard, who had accompanied me in my 
visit, declared, as he hghted his segar, which had gone out 
forty times in the course of one of his oriental tales, — that he 
had not passed so pleasant an evening since the birth-night 
ball of the beauteous empress of Hayti. 



[The following essay was written by my friend Langstaff , in 
one of the paroxysms of his splenetic complaint; and, for 
aught I know, may have been effectual in restoring him to 
good humour. — A mental discharge of the kind has a remark- 
able tendency toward sweetening the temper,— and Launcelot 
is, at this moment, one of the best-natured men in existence. 

A. Evergreen.] 



ON GREATNESS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

We have more than once, in the course of our work, been 
most jocosely f amihar with great personages ; and, in truth, 
treated them with as little ceremony, respect, and considera 
tion, as if they had been our most particular friends. Now, 
we would not suffer the mortification of having our readers 
even suspect us of an intimacy of the kind; assuring them 
we are extremely choice in our intimates, and uncommonly 
circumspect in avoiding connections with all doubtful char- 
acters; particularly pimps, bailiffs, lottery-brokers, chevaliers 
of industry, and great men. The world, in general, is pretty 
weU aware of what is to be understood by the former classes 



BALMAGUNDI. 20B 

of delinquents; but as the latter has never, I believe, been 
specifically defined; and as we are determined to instruct 
our readers to the extent of our abilities, and their limited 
comprehension, it may not be amiss here to let them know 
what we understand by a great man. 

First, therefore, let us— editors and kings are always plural 
— premise, that there are two kinds of greatness, — one con- 
ferred by heaven — the exalted nobihty of the soul ; — the other, 
a spurious distinction, engendered by the mob and lavished 
upon its favourites. The former of these distinctions we have 
always contemplated with reverence ; the latter, we will take 
this opportunity to strip naked before our unenlightened read- 
ers ; so that if by chance any of them are held in ignominious 
thraldrom by this base circulation of false coin, they may 
forthwith emancipate themselves from such inglorious delu- 
sion. 

It is a fictitious value given to individuals by public caprice, 
as bankers give an impression to a worthless shp of paper ; 
thereby gaining it a currency for infinitely more than its 
intrinsic value. Every nation has its peculiar coin, and 
peculiar great men ; neither of which will, for the most part, 
pass current out of the country where they ase stamped. 
Your true mob-created great man, is like a note of one of the 
little New-England banks, and his value depreciates in propor- 
tion to the distance from home. In England a great man is he 
who has most ribands and gew-gaws on his coat, most horses 
to his carriage, most slaves in his retinue, or most toad-eaters 
at his table ; in France, he who can most dexterously flourish 

his heels above his head Duport is most incontestably the 

greatest man in France! — when the emperor is absent. The 
greatest man in China is he who can trace his ancestry up to 
tlie moon ; and in this country, our great men may generally 
hunt down their pedigree untU it burrows in the dirt like a 
rabbit. To be concise ; our great men are those who are most 
expert at crawling on all fours, and have the happiest facility 
in dragging and winding themselves along in the dirt Uke very 
reptUes. This may seem a paradox to many of my readers, 
who, with great good-nature be it hinted, are too stupid to 
look beyond the mere surface of our invaluable writings; 
and often pass over the knomng allusion, and poignant mean- 
ing, that is slily couching beneath. It is for the benefit of 
such helpless ignorants, who have no other creed but the 
opinion of the mob, that I shall trace— as far as it is possible 



2o4 MlMaguMl 

to follow him in his progress from insignificance — the ris6, 
progress, and completion of a little great man. 

In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's phrase, it is not 
absolutely necessary to the formation of a great man that he 
should be either wise or valiant, upright or honourable. On 
the contrary, daily experience shows that these qualities 
rather impede his preferment ; inasmuch as they are prone to 
j^ender him too inflexibly erect, and are directly at variance 
with that willowy suppleness which enables a man to wind 
and twist through all the nooks and turns and dark winding 
passages that lead to greatness. The grand requisite for 
climbing the rugged hill of popularity,— the summit of which 
is the seat of power,— is to be useful. And here once more, for 
the sake of our readers, who are, of course, not so wise as our- 
selves, I must explain what we understand by usefulness. 
The horse, in his native state, is wild, swift, impetuous, full of 
majesty, and of a most generous spirit. It is then the animal 
is noble, exalted, and useless.— But entrap him, manacle him, 
cudgel him, break down his lofty spirit, put the curb into his 
mouth, the load upon his back, and reduce him into servile 
obedience to the bridle and the lash, and it is then he becomes 
useful. Your jackass is one of the most useful animals in 
existence. If my readers do not now understand what I mean 
by usefulness, I give them all up for most absolute nincoms. 

To rise in this country, a man must first descend. The 
aspiring politician may be compared to that indefatigable 
insect called the tumbler ; pronounced by a distinguished per- 
sonage to be the only industrious animal in Virginia, which 
buries itself in filth, and works ignobly in the dirt, until it 
forms a little ball, which it rolls laboriously along, like 
Diogenes in his tub ; sometimes head, sometimes tail foremost, 
pilfering from every rut and mud-hole, and increasing its ball 
of greatness by the contributions of the kennel. Just so the 
candidate for greatness ;— he plunges into that mass of ob- 
scenity, the mob; labours in dirt and oblivion, and makes 
unto himself the rudiments of a popular name from the ad- 
miration and praises of rogues, ignoramuses, and blackguards. 
His name once started, onward he goes strugghng, and puffing, 
and pushing it before him; collecting new tributes from the 
dregs and offals of the land, as he proceeds, until having 
gathered together a mighty mass of popularity, he mounts it 
in triumph; is hoisted into office, and becomes a great man, 
^nd a ruler in the land;— all this will be clearly illustrated by 



SALMA O UNDL 205 

a sketch of a worthy of the kind, who sprung up under my 
eye, and was hatched from pollution by the broad rays of 
popularity, which, like the sun, can ' ' breed maggots in a dead 
dog." 

Timothy Dabble was a young man of very promising 
talents ; for he wrote a fair hand, and had thrice won the silver 
medal at a country academy ; — he was also an orator, for he 
talked with emphatic volubility, and could argue a full hour, 
without taking either side, or advancing a single opinion ; — he 
had stni further requisites for eloquence; — for he made very 
handsome gestures, had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, 
and enunciated most harmoniously through his nose. In 
short, nature had certainly marked him out for a great man ; 
for though he was not taU, yet he added at least half an inch 
to his stature by elevating his head, and assumed an amazing 
expression of dignity by turning up his nose and curling his 
nostrils in a style of conscious superiority. Convinced by 
these unequivocal appearances, Babble's friends, in full caucus, 
one and all, declared that he was undoubtedly born to be a 
great man ; and it would be his own fault if he were not one. 
Dabble was tickled with an opinion which coincided so happily 
with his own, —for vanity, in a confidential whisper, had given 
him the like intimation ; — and he reverenced the judgment of 
his friends because they thought so highly of himself ; — accord- 
ingly he set out with a determination to become a great man, 
and to start in the scrub-race for honour and renown. How 
to attain the desired prizes was, however, the question. He 
knew by a kind of instinctive feeling, which seems pecuhar to 
grovelling minds, that honour, and its better part — profit, 
would never seek him out; that they would never knock at 
his door and crave admittance ; but must be courted, and toiled 
after, and earned. He therefore strutted forth into the high- 
ways, the market-places, and the assemblies of the people; 
ranted like a true cockerel orator about virtue, and patriotism, 
and liberty, and equality, and himself. Full many a political 
wind-mill did he battle with ; and full many a time did he talk 
himself out of breath, and his hearers out of their patience. 
But Dabble found, to his vast astonishment, that there was not 
a notorious pohtical pimp at a ward meeting but could out- 
talk him ; and what was still more mortifying, there was not a 
notorious political pimp but was more noticed and caressed 
than himself. The reason was simple enough; while he 
harangued about principles, the others ranted about men,; 



206 SALMAGUNDI 

where he reprobated a poHtical error, they blasted a political 
character ; — they were consequently, the most useful ; for the 
great object of our political disputes is not who shall have the 
honor of emancipating the community from the leading strings 
of delusion, but who shall have the profit of holding the 
strings and leading the comnmnity by the nose. 

Dabble was likewise very loud in his professions of integ- 
rity, incorruptibility, and disinterestedness ; words which, from 
being filtered and refined through newspapers and election 
handbills, have lost their original signification; and in the 
political dictionary are synonymous with empty pockets, 
itching palms, and interested ambition. He, in addition to 
all this, declared that he would support none but honest men ; 
— but unluckily as but few of these off'ered themselves to be 
supported, Babble's services were seldom required. He pledged 
himself never to engage in party schemes, or party pohtics, 
but to stand up solely for the broad interests of his country ; — 
so he stood alone ; and what is the same thing, he stood still ; 
for, in this country, he who does not side with either party, is 
like a body in a vacuum between two planets, and must for ever 
remain motionless. 

Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a man so honest, so 
disinterested, and so sagacious withal, — and one too who had 
the good of his country so much at heart, should thus remain 
unnoticed and unapplauded. A little worldly advice, whis- 
pered in his ear by a shrewd old politician, at once explained 
the whole mystery. " He who would become great," said he, 
' ' must serve an apprenticeship to greatness ; and rise by regular 
gradation, like the master of a vessel, who commences by being 
scrub and cabin-boy. He must fag in the train of great men, 
echo all their sentiments, become their toad-eater and parasite ; 
— laugh at all their jokes, and above all, endeavour to make 
them laugh; if you only now and then make a man laugh, 
your fortune is made. Look but about you, youngster, and 
you will not see a single little great man of the day, but has 
his miserable herd of retainers, who yelp at his heels, come at 
his whistle, worry whoever he points his finger at, and think 
themselves fully rewarded by sometimes snapping up a crumb 
that falls from the great man's table. Talk of patriotism and 
virtue, and incorruptibility !— tut, man! they are the very 
qualities that scare munificence, and keep patronage at a dis- 
tance. You might as well attempt to entice crows with red 
rags and gunpowder. Lay all these scarecrow virtues aside. 



SALMAGUNDI 207 

and let this be your maxim, that a candidate for poUtical 
eminence is Uke a dried herring ; he never becomes luminous 
until he is corrupt." 

Dabble caught with hungry avidity these congenial doc- 
trines, and turned into his pre-destined channel of action with 
the force and rapidity of a stream which has for a while been 
restrained from its natural course. He became what nature 
had fitted him to be ; — his tone softened down from arrogant 
self-sufficiency, to the whine of fawning solicitation. He min- 
gled in the caucuses of the sovereign people ; adapted his dress 
to a simihtude of dirty raggedness ; argued most logically with 
those who were of his own opinion; and slandered, with all the 
malice of impotence, exalted characters whose orbit he de- 
spaired ever to approach: — just as that scoundrel midnight 
thief, the owl, hoots at the blessed light of the sun, whose 
glorious lustre he dares never contemplate. He likewise ap- 
plied himself to discharging, faithfully, the honourable duties 
of a partizan; — he poached about for private slanders and 
ribald anecdotes;— he folded handbills ;— he even wrote one or 
two himself, which he carried about in his pocket and read to 
every body ;— he became a secretary at ward-meetings, set his 
hand to divers resolutions of patriotic import, and even once 
went so far as to make a speech, in wliich he proved that patri- 
otism was a virtue ; — the reigning bashaw a great man ;— that 
this was a free country, and he himself an arrant and incon- 
testable buzzard ! 

Dabble was now very frequent and devout in his visits to 
those temples of pohtics, popularity, and smoke, the ward 
porter-houses ; those true dens of equahty where all ranks, ages, 
and talents are brought down to the dead level of rude famil- 
iarity. 'Twas here his talents expanded, and his genius swelled 
up into its proper size ; hke the loathsome toad, which, shrink- 
ing from balmy airs and jocund sunshine, finds his congenial 
home in caves and dungeons, and there nourishes his venom, 
and bloats his deformity. 'Twas here he revelled with the 
swinish multitude in their debauches on patriotism and porter ; 
and it became an even chance whether Dabble would turn out 
a great man or a great drunkard. But Dabble in all this kept 
steadily in his eye the only deity he ever worshipped— his in- 
terest. Having by this familiarity ingratiated himself with the 
mob, he became wonderfully potent and industrious at elec- 
tions ; knew all the dens and cellars of profligacy and intem- 
perance; breught more negroes to the polls, and knew to a 



208 SALMA G UNDI. 

greater certainty where votes could be bought for beer, than 
any of his contemporaries. His exertions in the cause, his 
persevering industry, his degrading comphance, his unresist- 
ing humility, his steadfast dependence, at length caught the 
attention of one of the leaders of the party ; who was pleased 
to observe that Dabble was a very useful fellow, who would go 
all lengths. From that moment his fortune was made;— he 
was hand and glove with orators and slang- whangers ; basked 
in the sunshine of great men's smiles, and had the honour, sun- 
dry times, of shaking hands with dignitaries, and drinking out 
of the same pot with them at a porter-house ! ! 

I will not fatigue myself with tracing this caterpillar in his 
slimy progress from worm to butterfly : suffice it that Dabble 
bowed and bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked, 
and libelled, until one would ha^'e thought perseverance itself 
would have settled down into despair. There was no knowing 
how long he might have lingered at a distance from his hopes, 
had he not luckily got tarred and feathered for some of his 
electioneering manoeuvres ;— this was the making of him ! — Let 
not my readers stare ;— tarring and feathering here is equal to 
pillory and cropped ears in English ; and either of these kinds 
of martyrdom will ensure a patriot the sympathy and support 
of his faction. His partizans, for even he had his partizans, 
took his case into consideration ; —he had been kicked and 
cuffed, and disgraced, and dishonoured in the cause ;— he had 
licked the dust at the feet of the mob;— he was a faithful 
drudge, slow to anger, of invincible patience, of incessant 
assiduity;— a thorough-going tool, who could be curbed, and 
spurred, and directed at pleasure ;— in short, he had all the im- 
portant qualifications for a Httle great man, and he was ac- 
cordingly ushered into office amid the acclamations of the 
party. The leading men complimented his usefulness, the 
multitude his republican simplicity, and the slang-whangers 
vouched for his patriotism. Since his elevation he has dis- 
covered indubitable signs of having been destined for a great 
man. His nose has acquired an additional elevation of several 
degrees, so that now he appears to have bidden adieu to this 
world and to have set his thoughts altogether on things above ; 
and he has swelled and inflated himself to such a degree, that 
his friends are under apprehensions that he wlQ one day or 
other explode and blow up Hke a torpedo. 



i 



SALMAGUNDI. 209 



NO, XVI -THURSDAY, OCT. 15, 1807. 



STYLE, AT BALLSTON. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Notwithstanding Evergreen has never been abroad, nor had 
his understanding enlightened, or his views enlarged by that 
marvellous sharpener of the wits, a salt-water voyage ; yet he 
is tolerably shrewd, and correct, in the limited sphere of his 
observations; and now and then astounds me with a right 
pithy remark, which would do no discredit even to a man who 
had made the grand tour. 

In several late conversations at Cockloft-Hall, he has amused 
us exceedingly by detailing sundry particulars concerning that 
notorious slaughter-house of time, Ballston Springs ; where he 
spent a considerable part of the last summer. The following 
is a summary of his observations. 

Pleasure has passed through a variety of significations at 
BaUston. It originally meant nothing more than a rehef from 
pain and sickness ; and the patient who had journeyed many 
a weary mile to the Springs, with a heavy heart and emaciated 
form, called it pleasure when he threw by his crutches, and 
danced away from them with renovated spirits and limbs 
jocund with vigour. In process of time pleasure underwent a 
refinement, and appeared in the likeness of a sober, unceremo- 
nious country-dance, to the flute of an amateur or the three- 
stringed fiddle of an itinerant country m^usician. — Still every 
thing bespoke that happy hoHday which the spirits ever enjoy, 
when emancipated from the shackles of formahty, ceremony, 
and modern pohteness : things went on cheerily, and Ballston 
was pronounced a charming, hum-drum, careless place of re- 
sort, where every one was at his ease, and might follow unmo- 
lested the bent of his humour -provided his wif© was not there; 



210 SALMAGUNDI. 

—when, lo ! all on a sudden Style made its baneful appearance 
in the semblance of a gig and tandem, a pair of leather breeches, 
a liveried footman, and a cockney ! — since that fatal era pleas- 
ure has taken an entire new signification, and at present means 
nothing but style. 

The worthy, fashionable, dashing, good-for-nothing people of 
every state, who had rather suffer the martyrdom of a crowd 
than endure the monotony of their own homes and the stupid 
company of their own thoughts, flock to the Springs ; not to enjoy 
the pleasures of society or benefit by the qualities of the waters, 
but to exhibit their equipages and wardrobes, and to excite 
the admiration, or what is much more satisfactory, the envy of 
their fashionable competitors. This, of course, awakens a spirit 
of noble emulation between the eastern, middle, and southern 
states ; and every lady hereupon finding herself charged in a 
manner with the whole weight of her country's dignity and 
style, dresses and dashes and sparkles without mercy at her 
competitors from other parts of the Union. This kind of rival- 
ship naturally requires a vast deal of preparation and pro- 
digious quantities of supplies. A sober citizen's wife will break 
half a dozen milliners' shops, and sometimes starve her family 
a whole season, to enable herself to make the Springs campaign 
in style.— She repairs to the seat of war with a mighty force of 
trunks and bandboxes, hke so many ammunition chests, filled 
with caps, hats, gowns, ribands, shawls, and all the various 
artillery of fashionable warfare. The lady of a southern planter 
will lay out the whole annual produce of a rice plantation in 
silver and gold muslins, lace veils, and new liveries ; carry a 
hogshead of tobacco on her head, and trail a bale of sea-island 
cotton at her heels, while a lady of Boston or Salem will wrap 
herself up in the net proceeds of a cargo of whale-oil, and tie on 
her hat with a quintal of codfish. 

The planters' ladies, however, have generally the advantage 
in this contest ; for, as it is an incontestable fact, that whoever 
come3 from the West or East Indies, or Georgia, or the Caro- 
linas, or, in fact, any warm climate, is immensely rich, it can- 
not be expected that a simple cit of the north can cope with 
them in style. The planter, therefore, who drives four horses 
abroad and a thousand negroes at home, and who flourishes up 
to the Springs, followed by half a score of black-a-moors in 
gorgeous liveries, is unquestionably superior to the northern 
merchant, who plods on in a carriage and pair ; which, being 
nothing more than is quite necessary, has no claim whatever 



SALMAGUNDI gH 

to style. He, however, has his consolation in feeling superior 
to the honest cit who dashes about in a simple gig : — he, in re- 
turn, sneers at the country squire, who jogs along with his 
scrubby, long-eared pony and saddle-bags ; and the squire, by 
way of taking satisfaction, would make no scruple to run over 
the unobtrusive pedestrian, were it not that the last being the 
most independent of the whole, might chance to break his head 
by way of retort. 

The great misfortune is, that this style is supported at such 
an expense as sometimes to encroach on the rights and privi- 
leges of the pocket, and occasion very awkward embarrass- 
ments to the tyro of fashion. Among a number of instances, 
Evergreen mentions the fate of a dashing blade from the south, 
who made his entree with a tandem and two out-riders, by the 
aid of which he attracted the attention of all the ladies, and 
caused a coolness between several young couples, who, it was 
thought, before his arrival, had a considerable kindness for 
each other. In the course of a fortnight his tandem disap- 
peared ! — the class of good folk who seem to have nothing to do 
in this world but pry into other people's affairs, began to stare ! 
— in a little time longer an outrider was missing ! — this increased 
the alarm, and it was consequently whispered that he had eaten 
the horses and drank the negro. — N. B. Southern gentlemen 
are very apt to do this on an emergency. — Serious apprehen- 
sions were entertained about the fate of the remaining servant,, 
which were soon verified by his actually vanishing; and, in 
"one httle month," the dashing Carolinian modestly took his 
departure in the stage-coach! — universally regretted by the 
friends who had generously released him from his cumbrous 
load of style. 

Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave very melancholy 
accounts of an alarming famine which raged with great vio- 
lence at the Springs. Whether this was owing to the incredi- 
ble appetites of the company, or the scarcity which prevailed 
at the inns, he did not seem inclined to say ; but he declares 
that he was for several days in imminent danger of starvation, 
owing to his being a little too dilatory in his attendance at the 
dinner-table. He relates a number of "moving accidents" 
which befell many of the polite company in their zeal to get a 
good seat at dinner; on which occasion a kind of scrub-race 
rilways took place, wherein a vast deal of jockeying and unfair 
play was shown, and a variety of squabbles and unseemly 
altercations occurred. But when arrived at the scene of actioi^ 



21^ SALMAGUNDT. 

it was truly an awfulsight to behold the confusion, and to heai 
the tumultuous uproar of voices crying, some for one thing 
and some for another, to the tuneful accompaniment of knives 
and forks, rattling with all the energy of hungry impatience. 
— The feast of the Centaurs and the Lapithse was nothing 
when compared with a dinner at the great house. At one time 
an old gentleman, whose natural irascibility was a Httle sharp- 
ened by the gout, had scalded his throat by gobbling down a 
bowl of hot soup in a vast hurry, in order to secure the first 
fruits of a roasted partridge before it was snapped up by some 
hungry rival; when, just as he was whetting his knife and 
fork, preparatory for a descent on the promised land, he had 
the mortification to see it transferred bodily to the plate of a 
squeamish little damsel who was taking the waters for debility 
and loss of appetite. This was too much for the patience of 
old crusty ; he lodged his fork into the partridge, whipt it into 
his dish, and cutting off a wing of it, — "There, Miss, there's 
more than you can eat.— Oons ! what should such a little chalky- 
faced puppet as you do with a whole partridge !" — At another 
time a mighty, sweet-disposed old dowager, who loomed most 
magnificently at the table, had a sauce-boat launched upon the 
capacious lap of a silver-sprigged muslin gown by the ma- 
noevring of a little politic Frenchman, who was dexterously at- 
tempting to make a lodgment under the covered way of a 
chicken-pye; — human nature could not bear it! — the lady 
bounced round, and, with one box on the ear, drove the luck- 
less wight to utter annihilation. 

But these little cross accidents are amply compensated by 
the great variety of amusements which abound at this charm- 
ing resort of beauty and fashion. In the morning the com- 
pany, each like a jolly Bacchanalian with glass in hand, salh^ 
forth to the Springs: where the gentlemen, who wish to make 
themselves agreeable, have an opportunity of dipping them- 
selves into the good opinion of the ladies : and it is truly de- 
lectable to see with what grace and adroitness they perform 
this ingratiating feat. Anthony says that it is pecuharly 
amazing to behold the quantity of water the ladies drink on 
this occasion for the purpose of getting an appetite for break- 
fast. He assures me he has been present when a young lady 
of unparalleled delicacy tossed off in the space of a minute or 
two one and twenty tumblers and a wine-glass full. On my 
asking Anthony whether the solicitude of the by-standers was 
not greatly awakened as to what might be the effects of this 



SALMAGUNDI gl^ 

debauch, he replied that the ladies at Ballston had become 
such gi-eat sticklers for the doctrine of evaporation, that no 
gentleman ever ventured to remonstrate against this excessive 
drinking for fear of bringing his philosophy into contempt. 
The most notorious water-drinkers in particular were continu- 
ally holding forth on the surprising aptitude with which the 
Ballston waters evaporated ; and several gentlemen, who had 
the hardihood to question this female philosophy, were held in 
high displeasure. 

After breakfast every one chooses his amusement ;— some 
take a ride into the pine woods and enjoy the varied and ro- 
mantic scenery of burnt trees, post and rail fences, pine flats, 
potato patches, and log huts; — others scramble up the sur- 
rounding sand-hills, that look hke the abodes of a gigantic race 
of ants ;— take a peep at the other sand-hills beyond them ; — 
and then — come down again: others, who are romantic, and 
sundry young ladies insist upon being so whenever they visit 
the Springs, or go any where into the country, stroll along the 
borders of a little swampy brook that drags itself along like 
an Alexandrine ; and that so lazily as not to make a single 
murmur ; — watching the little tadpoles as they frolic, right flip- 
pantly, in the muddy stream ; and listening to the inspiring 
melody of the harmonious frogs that croak upon its borders. 
Some play at billiards, some play at the fiddle, and some — play 
the fool ; — the latter being the most prevalent amusement at 
Ballston. 

These, together with abundance of dancing, and a prodigious 
deal of sleeping of afternoons, make up the variety of pleasures 
at the Springs; — a delicious life of alternate lassitude and 
fatigue ; of laborious dissipation and hstless idleness ; of sleep- 
less nights, and days spent in that dozing insensibility which 
ever succeeds them. Now and then, indeed, the influenza, the 
fever-and-ague, or some svich pale-faced intruder, may happen 
to throw a momentary damp on the general felicity ; but on 
the whole, Evergreen declares that Ballston wants only six 
things, to wit: good air, good wine, good living, good beds, 
good company, and good humour, to be the most enchanting 

place in the world ; excepting Botany -bay, Musquito Cove, 

Dismal Swamp, and the Black-hole at Calcutta. 



214 I^ALMAOUNDI. 

The following letter from the sage Mustapha has cost us 
more trouble to decypher and render into tolerable English 
than any hitherto published. It was full of blots and erasures, 
particularly the latter part, which we have no doubt was 
penned in a moment of great wrath and indignation. Mus- 
tapha has often a rambling mode of writing, and his thoughts 
take such unaccountable turns that it is difficult to tell one 
moment where he will lead you the next. This is particularly 
obvious in the commencement of his letters, which seldom 
bear much analogy to the subsequent parts ; — he sets off with 
a flourish, like a dramatic hero, — assumes an air of great pom- 
posity, and struts up to his subject mounted most loftily on 
stilts. L. Langstaff. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Among the variety of principles by which mankind are 
actuated, there is one, my dear Asem, which I scarcely know 
whether to consider as springing from grandeur and nobility 
of mind, or from a refined species of vanity and egotism. It is 
that singular, although almost universal, desire of hving in the 
memory of posterity ; of occupying a share of the world's at- 
tention when we shall long since have ceased to be susceptible 
either of its praise or censure. Most of the passions of the 
mind are bounded by the gi-ave ; — sometimes, indeed, an anx- 
ious hope or trembling fear will venture beyond the clouds 
and darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, and expatiate 
in boundless futurity ; but it is only this active love of fame 
which steadily contemplates its fruition in the applause or 
gratitude of future ages. Indignant at the narrow limits which 
circumscribe existence, ambition is for ever struggling to soar 
beyond them ; — to triumph over space and time, and to bear a 
name, at least, above the inevitable oblivion in which every 
thing else that concerns us must be involved. It is this, my 
friend, which prompts the patriot to his most heroic achieve- 
ments ; which inspires the sublimest strains of the poet, and 
breathes ethereal fire into the productions of the painter and 
the statuary. 



SALMAGUNDI. 215 

For this the monarch rears the loftj column ; the laurelled 
conqueror claims the triumphal arch ; while the obscure indi- 
vidual, who moved in an humbler sphere, asks but a plain 
and simple stone to mark his grave and bear to the next gen- 
oration this important truth, that he was born, died — and was 
buried. It was this passion which once erected the vast Nu- 
midian piles, whose ruins we have so often regarded with won- 
der, as the shades of evening — fit emblems of oblivion— gradu- 
ally stole over and enveloped them in darkness. — It was this 
which gave being to those sublime monuments of Saracen mag- 
nificence, which nod in mouldering desolation, as the blast 

sweeps over our deserted plains. How futile are all our 

efforts to evade the obliterating hand of time ! As I traversed 
the dreary wastes of Egypt, on my journey to Grand Cairo, 1 
stopped my camel for a while and contemplated, in awful ad- 
miration, the stupendous pyramids.— An appalling silence pre- 
vailed aroiuid; such as reigns in the wilderness when the 
tempest is hushed and the beasts of prey have retired to their 
dens. The myriads that had once been employed in rearing 
these lofty mementoes of human vanity, whose busy hum once 
enlivened the solitude of the desert, —had all been swept from 
the earth by the irresistible arm of death;— all were mingled 
with their native dust ; — all were forgotten ! Even the mighty 
names which these sepulchres were designed to perpetuate had 
long since faded from remembrance; history and tradition 
afforded but vague conjectures, and the pyramids imparted a 

humiliating lesson to the candidate for immortality. Alas! 

alas! said I to myself, how mutable are the foundations on 
which our proudest hopes of future fame are reposed ! He who 
unagines he has secured to himself the meed of deathless re- 
nown, indulges in deluding visions, which only bespeak the 
vanity of the dreamer. The storied obelisk,— the triumphal 
arch, — the swelling dome, shall crumble into dust, and the 
names they would preserve from oblivion shall often pass away 
before their own duration is accomplished. 

Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous in the eye of 
the philosopher, deserves respect and consideration, from hav> 
ing been the source of so many illustrious actions ; and hfence 
it has been the practice in all enlightened governments to per- 
petuate, by monuments, the memory of great men, as a testi- 
mony of respect for the illustrious dead, and to awaken in the 
bosoms of posterity an emulation to merit the same honourable 
distinction. The people of the American logocracy, who pride 



216 SALMAGUNDI. 

themselves upon improving on every precept or example of 
ancient or modern governments, have discovered a new mode 
of exciting this love of glory ; a mode by which they do honour 
to their great men, even in their lifetime ! 

Thou must have observed by this time that they manage 
every thing in a manner peculiar to themselves ; and doubtless 
in the best possible manner, seeing they have denominated 
themselves "the most enlightened people under the sun.'' 
Thou wilt therefore, perhaps, be curious to know how they 
contrive to honour the name of a living patriot, and what un- 
heard-of monument they erect in memory of his achievements. 
— By the fiery beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can 
scarcely preserve the sobriety of a true disciple of Mahomet 
while 1 tell thee ! — wilt thou not smile, O Mussulman of invin- 
cible gravity, to learn that they honour their great men by 
eating, and that the only trophy erected to their exploits is a 
public ainner! But, trust me, Asem, even in this measure, 
whimsical as it may seem, the philosophic and considerate 
spirit of this people is admirably displayed. Wisely conclud- 
ing that when the hero is dead he becomes insensible to the 
voice of tame, the song of adulation, or the splendid trophy, 
they have determined that he shall enjoy his quantum of celeb- 
rity while living, and revel in the full enjoyment of a nine- 
days' immortality. The barbarous nations of antiquity im- 
molated human victims to the memory of their lamented dead, 
but the enlightened Americans offer up whole hecatombs of 
geese and calves, and oceans of wine, in honour of the illustri- 
ous living; and the patriot has the felicity of hearing from 
every quarter the vast exploits in gluttony and revelling that 
have been celebrated to the glory of his name. 

No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a conspicuous 
manner in the service of his country, than all the gormandi- 
zers assemble and discharge the national debt of gratitude — 
by giving him a dinner ;— not that he really receives all the 
luxuries provided on this occasion; — no, my friend, it is ten 
chances to one that the great man does not taste a morsel from 
the table, and is, perhaps, five hundred miles distant ; and, to 
let thee into a melancholy fact, a patriot under this economic 
government, may be often in want of a dinner, while dozens 
are devoured in his praise. Neither are these repasts spread 
out for the hungry and necessitous, who might otherwise be 
filled with food and gladness, and inspired to shout forth the 
illustrious name, which had been the means of their enjoy- 



SALMAGUNDI. ^17 

ment ;— f ar from this, Asem ; it is the rich oi^iy who indulge 
in the banquet ; — those who pay for the dainties are alone 
privileged to enjoy them ; so that, while opening their purses 
in honour of the patriot, they at the same time fulfil a gi-eat 
maxim, which in this country comprehends all the rules of 
prudence, and all the duties a man owes to himself ; — namely, 
?^etting the worth of their money. 

In process of tune this mode of testifying public applause 
has been found so marvellously agreeable, that they extend it 
to events as well as characters, and eat in triumph at the news 
of a treaty, — at the anniversary of any grand national era, or 
at the gaining of that splendid victory of the tongue — an 
election. — Nay, so far do they carry it, that certain days are 
set apart when the guzzlers, the gormandizers, and the wine- 
bibbers meet together to celebrate a grand indigestion, in 
memory of some great event ; and every man in the zeal of 
patriotism gets devoutly drunk — "as the act directs." — Then, 
my friend, mayest thou behold the sublime spectacle of love 
of country, elevating itself from a sentiment into an appetite, 
whetted to the quick with the cheering prospect of tables 
loaded with the fat things of the land. On this occasion every 
man is anxious to fall to work, cram himself in honour of the 
day, and risk a surfeit in the glorious cause. Some, I have 
been told, actually fast for four and twenty hours preceding, 
that they may be enabled to do greater honour to the feast ; 
and certainly, if eating and drinking are patriotic rites, he who 
eats and drinks most, and proves himself the greatest glutton, 
is, undoubtedly, the most distinguished patriot. Such, at any 
rate, seems to be the opinion here, and they act up to it so 
rigidly, that by the time it is dark, every kennel in the neigh- 
bourhood teams with illustrious members of the sovereign 
people, wallowing in their congenial element of mud and mire. 

These patriotic feasts, or rather national monuments, are 
loatronized and promoted by certain inferior cadis, called Al- 
jDermen, who are commonly complimented with their direc= 
tion. Tliese dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally 
appointed on account of their great talents for eating, a quali- 
fication peculiarly necessary in the discharge of their official 
duties. They hold frequent meetings at taverns and hotels, 
where they enter into solemn consultations for the benefit of 
lobsters and turtles ; — establish wholesome regulations for the 
safety and preservation of fish and wild-fowl; — appoint the 
seasons most proper for eating oysters ;—mquire into the 



21S SALMA G UJVBI. 

economy of taverns, the characters of pubUcans, and the 
abihties of their cooks ; and discuss, most learnedly, the merits 
of a bowl of soup, a chicken-pye, or a haunch of venison : in a 
word, the alderman has absolute control in all matters of eat- 
ing, and superintends the whole poUce — of the belly. Having, 
in the prosecution of their important office, signalized them- 
selves at so many public festivals ; having gorged so often on 
patriotism and pudding, and entombed so many great names 
in their extensive maws, thou wilt easily conceive that they 
wax portly apace, that they fatten on the fame of mighty 
men, and that their rotundity, hke the rivers, the lakes, and 
the mountains of their country, must be on a great scale ! Even, 
so, my friend ; and when I sometimes see a portly alderman, 
puffing along, and swelling as if he had the world under his 
waistcoat, I cannot help looking upon him as a walking monu- 
ment, and am often ready to exclaim — " Tell me, thou majes- 
tic mortal, thou breathing catacomb! — to what illustrious 
character, what mighty event, does that capacious carcass of 
thine bear testimony f 

But though the enlightened citizens of this logocracy eat in 
honour of their friends, yet they drink destruction to their 
enemies. — Yea, Asem, wo unto those who are doomed to 
undergo the public vengeance, at a public dinner. No sooner 
are the viands removed, than they prepare for merciless and 
exterminating hostilities. They drink the intoxicating juice 
of the grape, out of little glass cups, and over each draught 
pronounce a short sentence or prayer ; — not such a prayer as 
thy virtuous heart would dictate, thy pious lips give utterance 
to, my good Asem ; — not a tribute of thanks to all bountiful 
Allah, nor a humble supplication for his blessing on the 
draught ;— no, my friend, it is merely a toast, that is to say, a 
fulsome tribute of flattery to their demagogues ; — a laboured 
saJly of affected sentiment or national egotism; or, what is 
more despicable, a malediction on their enemies, an empty 
threat of vengeance, or a petition for their destruction; for 
toasts, thou must know, are another kind of missive weapon 
in a logocracy, and are levelled from afar, like the annoying 
arrows of the Tartars. 

Oh, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one of these patriotic, 
these monumental dinners ; how furiously the flame of patriot- 
ism blazes forth; — how suddenly they vanquish armies, sub- 
jugate whole countries, and exterminate nations in a bumper, 
thou wouldst more than ever admire the force of that omnipo* 



SALMAGUNDI. 21 g 

fcent weapon, the tongue. At these moments every coward 
becomes a hero, every ragamuffin an invincible warrior; and 
the most zealous votaries of peace and quiet, forget, for a 
while, their cherished maxims, and join in the furious attack. 
Toast succeeds toast; — kings, emperors, bashaws, are like chaff 
before the tempest ; the inspired patriot vanquishes fleets with 
a single gun-boat, and swallows down navies at a draught, 
until, overpowered with victory and wine, he sinks upon the 
field of battle — dead drunk in his country's cause. — Sword of 
the puissant Khalid! what a display of valour is here! — the 
sons of Afric are hardy, brave, and enterprising, but they can 
achieve nothing like this. 

Happy would it be if this mania for toasting extended no 
further than to the expression of national resentment. Though 
we might smile at the impotent vapouring and windy hyper- 
bole, by which it is distinguished, yet we would excuse it, as 
the unguarded overflowings of a heart glowing with national 
injuries, and indignant at the insults offered to its country. 
But alas, my friend, private resentment, individual hatred, 
and the illiberal spirit of party, are let loose on these festive 
occasions. Even the names of individuals, of unoffending 
fellow-citizens, are sometimes dragged forth to undergo the 
slanders and execrations of a distempered herd of revellers.*— 
Head of Mahomet ! how vindictive, how insatiably vindictive 
must be that spirit which can drug the mantling bowl with 
gall and bitterness, and indulge an angry passion in the 
moment of rejoicing! — " Wine," says their poet, "is like sun- 
shine to the heart, which under its generous influence expands 
the good- will, and becomes the very temple of philanthropy." 
— Strange, that in a temple consecrated to such a divinity, there 
should remain a secret corner, polluted by the lurkings of 
malice and revenge ; strange, that in the full flow of social en- 
joyment, these votaries of pleasure can turn aside to call down 
curses on the head of a fellow-creature. Despicable souls ! ye 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

* It would seem that in this sentence, the Sagre Mustapha had reference to a 
patriotic dinner, celebrated last fourth of July, by some gentlemen of Baltimore, 
when they righteously drank perdition to an unoffending individual, and really 
thought " they had done the state some service." This amiable custom of " eatmg 
and drinking damnation" to others, is not confined to any party: — for a month or 
two after the fourth of July, the different newspapers file off their coliunns of 
patriotic toasts against each other, and take a pride in showing how brilliantly 
their partizans can blackguard public characters in their cups — " they do but jest- 
poison in jest,'* as Hamlet says. 



220 SALMAGUNDI. 

are unworthy of being citizens of this ''most enlightened 
country under the sun:" — rather herd with the murderous 
savages who prowl the mountains of Tibesti ; who stain their 
midnight orgies with the blood of the innocent wanderer, and 
drink their infernal potations from the skulls of the victims 
they have massacred. 

And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vindictive cowardice 
is not owing to any inherent depravity of soul, for, on other 
occasions, I have had ample proof that this nation is mild and 
merciful, brave and magnanimous ;— neither is it owing to any 
defect in their political or religious precepts. The principles 
inculcated by their rulers, on all occasions, breathe a spirit of 
universal philanthropy ; and as to their religion, much as I am 
devoted to the Koran of our divine prophet, still I cannot but 
acknowledge with admiration the mild forbearance, the amia- 
ble benevolencCi the sublime morahty bequeathed them by the 
founder of their faith. — Thou rememberest the doctrines of the 
mild Nazarine, who preached peace and good-will to all man- 
kind; who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; who 
blessed those who cursed him, and prayed for those who de- 
spitefully used and persecuted him ! What, then, can give rise 
to this uncharitable, this inhuman custom among the disciples 
of a master so gentle and forgiving?— It is that fiend politics, 
Asem — that baneful fiend, which bewildereth every brain, and 
poisons every social feeling; which intrudes itself at the fes- 
tive banquet, and, like the detestable harpy, pollutes the 
very viands of the table; which contaminates the refreshing 
draught while it is inhaled; which prompts the cowardly 
assassin to launch his poisoned arrows from behind the social 
board ; and which renders the bottle, that boasted promoter of 
good fellowship and hilarity, an infernal engine, charged with 
direful combustion. 

Oh, Asem! Asem! how does my heart sicken when I con- 
template these cowardly barbarities? Let me, therefore, if 
possible, T^dthdraw my attention from them for ever. My 
feelings have boi'ne me from my subject ; and from the monu- 
ments of ancient greatness, I have wandered to those of modern 
degradation. My warmest wishes remain with thee, thou 
most illustrious of slave-drivers ; may est thou ever be sensible 
of the mercies of our great prophet, who, in compassion to 
human imbecility, has prohibited his disciples from the use of 
the deluding beverage of the grape ;— that enemy to reason- 
that promoter of defamation— that auxiliary of politics. 

J]ver thine, Mustapha, 



SALMAGUNDI 221 



NO. XVII -WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11, 1807, 



AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

When a man is quietly journeying downwards into the val 
ley of the shadow of departed youth, and begins to contem- 
plate, in a shortened perspective, the end of his pilgrimage, he 
becomes more solicitous than ever that the remainder of his 
wayfaring should be smooth and pleasant ; and the evening of 
his life, hke the evening of a summer's day, fade away in mild 
uninterrupted serenity. If haply his heart has escaped unin- 
jured through the dangers of a seductive world, it may then 
administer to the purest of his felicities, and its chords vibrate 
more musically for the trials they have sustained; — like the 
viol, which yields a melody sweet in proportion to its age. 

To a mind thus temperately harmonized, thus matured and 
mellowed by a long lapse of years, there is something truly 
congenial in the quiet enjoyment of our early autumn, amid 
the tranquillities of the country. There is a sober and chas- 
tened air of gayety diffused over the face of nature, peculiarly 
interesting to an old man ; and when he views the surrounding 
landscape withering under his eye, it seems as if he and nature 
were taking a last farewell of each other, and parting with a 
melancholy smile; like a couple of old friends, who having 
sported away the spring and summer of life together, part at 
the approach of winter with a kind of prophetic fear that they 
are never to meet again. 

It is either my good fortune or mishap to be keenly suscepti- 
ble to the influence of the atmosphere ; and I can feel in the 
morning, before I open my window, whether the wind is east- 
erly. It will not, therefore, I presume, be considered an ex- 
ravagant instance of vain-glory when I assert that there are 



223 SALMAGUNDI. 

few men who can discriminate more accurately in the different 
varieties of damps, fogs, Scotch-mists, and north-east storms, 
than myself. To the great discredit of my philosophy I con- 
fess I seldom fail to anathematize and excommunicate the 
weather, when it sports too rudely with my sensitive system ; 
but then I always endeavour to atone therefor, by eulogizing 
it when deserving of approbation. And as most of my readers 
—simple folks ! make but one distinction, to-wit, rain and sun 
shine ;— living in most honest ignorance of the various nice 
shades which distinguish one fine day from another, I take the 
trouble, from time to time, of letting them into some of the 
secrets of nature ; — so will they be the better enabled to enjoy 
her beauties, with the zest of connoisseurs, and derive at least 
as much information from my pages, as from the weather- 
wise bore of the almanac. 

Much of my recreation since I retreated to the Hall, has 
consisted in making little excursions through the neighbour- 
hood; which abounds in the variety of wild, romantic, and 
luxuriant landscape that generally characterizes the scenery in 
the vicinity of our rivers. There is not an eminence within a 
circuit of many miles but commands an extensive range of 
diversified and enchanting prospect. 

Often have I rambled to the summit of some favourite hill ; 
and thence, with feelings sweetly tranquil as the lucid expanse 
of the heavens that canopied me, have noted the slow and 
almost imperceptible changes that mark the waning year. 
There are many features peculiar to our autumn, and which 
give it an individual character. The ' ' green and yellow mel- 
ancholy" that first steals over the landscape; — the mild and 
steady serenity of the weather, and the transparent purity of 
the atmosphere, speak, not merely to the senses, but the heart ; 
— it is the season of hberal emotions. To this succeeds fantas- 
tic gayety, a motley dress, which the woods assume, where 
green and yellow, orange, purple, crimson, and scarlet, are 
whimsically blended together. A sickly splendour this!— like 
the wild and broken-hearted gayety that sometimes precedes 
dissolution; — or that childish sportiveness of superannuated 
age, proceeding, not from a vigorous flow of animal spirits, 
but from the decay and imbecility of the mind. We might, 
perhaps, be deceived by this gaudy garb of nature, were it not 
for the rustling of the falling leaf, which, breaking on the 
stillness of the scene, seems to announce, in prophetic whis- 
pers, the dreary winter that is approaching. When I have 



SALMAGXINBt 223 

sometimes seen a thrifty young oak changing its hue of sturdy 
vigour for a bright, but transient, glow of red, it has recalled 
to my mind the treacherous bloom that once mantled the 
cheek of a friend who is now no more; and which, while it 
seemed to promise a long life of jocund spirits, was the sure 
precursor of premature decay. In a little while and this 
ostentatious foliage disappears ; the close of autumn leaves but 
one wide expanse of dusky brown ; save where some rivulet 
steals along, bordered with little strips of green grass; — the 
woodland echoes no more to the carols of the feathered tribes 
that sported in the leafy covert, and its solitude and silence is 
uninterrupted, except by the plaintive whistle of the quail, 
the barking of the squirrel, or the still more melancholy win- 
try wind, which, rushing and swelling through the hollows of 
the mountains, sighs through the leafless branches of the 
grove, and seems to mourn the desolation of the year. 

To one who, like myself, is fond of drawing comparisons 
between the different divisions of life, and those of the seasons, 
there will appear a striking analogy which connects the feel- 
ings of the aged with the decline of the year. Often as I con- 
template the mild, uniform, and genial lustre with which the 
sun cheers and invigorates us in the month of October, and 
the almost imperceptible haze which, without obscuring, tem- 
pers all the asperities of the landscape, and gives to every 
object a character of stillness and repose, I cannot help com- 
paring it with that portion of existence, when the spring of 
youthful hope, and the summer of the passions having gone 
by, reason assumes an undisputed sway, and lights us on with 
bright but undazzling lustre adown the hill of life. There is a 
full and mature luxuriance in the fields that fills the bosom 
with generous and disinterested content. It is not the thought- 
less extravagance of spring, prodigal only in blossoms, nor the 
languid voluptuousness of summer, feverish in its enjoyments, 
and teeming only with immature abundance;— it is that cer- 
tain fruition of the labours of the past— that prospect of com- 
fortable realities, which those will be sure to enjoy who have 
improved the bounteous smiles of heaven, nor wasted away 
their spring and summer in empty trifling or criminal indul- 
gence. 

Cousin Pindar, who is my constant companion in these ex- 
peditions, and who still possesses much of the fire and energy ot 
youthful sentiment, and a buxom hilarity of the spirits, often, 
indeed, draws me from these half -melancholy reveries, and 



224 SALMAGUNDI 

makes me feel young again by the enthusiasm with which he 
contemplates, and the animation with which he eulogizes the 
beauties of nature displayed before him. His enthusiastic dis- 
position never allows him to enjoy things by halves, and his 
feelings are continually breaking out in notes of admiration 
and ejaculations that sober reason might perhaps deem ex- 
travagant : — But for my part, when I see a hale, hearty old 
man, who has jostled through the rough path of the world, 
without having worn away the fine edge of his feehngs, or 
blunted his sensibihty to natural and moral beauty, I compare 
him to the ever-green of the forest, whose colours, instead of 
fading at the approach of winter, seem to assume additional 
lustre when contrasted with the surrounding desolation ; — such 
a man is my friend Pindar ; — yet sometimes, and particularly at 
the approach of evening, even he will fall in with my humour ; 
but he soon recovers his natural tone of spirits: and, mount- 
ing on the elasticity of his mind, like Ganymede on the eagle's 
wing, he soars to the ethereal regions of sunshine and fancy. 

One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a high hill in the 
neighbourhood of the Hall, which commands an almost bound- 
less prospect ; and as the shadows began to lengthen around us, 
and the distant mountains to fade into mists, my cousin was 
seized with a moralizing fit. "It seems to me," said he, laying 
his hand lightly on my shoulder, "that there is just at this 
season, and this hour, a sympathy between us and the world 
we are now contemplating. The evening is stealing upon 
nature as well as upon us ; — the shadows of the opening day 
have given place to those of its close ; and the only difference 
is, that in the morning they were before us, now they are be- 
hind; and that the first vanished in the splendours of noon- 
day, the latter will be lost in the obUvion of night ; — our ' May 
of life, ' my dear Launce, has for ever fled ; and our summer is 

over and gone: but," continued he, suddenly recovering 

himself and slapping me gaily on the shoulder, — "but why 
should we repine? — what? though the capricious zephyrs of 
spring, the heats and hurricanes of summer, have given place 
to the sober sunshine of autumn ! — and though the woods begin 
to assume the dappled livery of decay! — yet the prevailing 
colour is still green :~gay, sprightly green. 

"Let us, then, comfort ourselves with this reflection; that 
though the shades of the morning have given place to those of 
the evening, — though the spring is past, the sunmier over, and 
the autumn come, — still you and I go on our way rejoicing;— 



;3Ar.MA G UNDl. 225 

and while, like the lofty mountains of our southern America, 
our heatis are covered with snow, still, like them, we feel 
the genial warmth of spring and summer playing upon our 
bosoms." 



BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

In the description which I gave, some time since, of Cockloft- 
hall, I totally forgot to make honourable mention of the library ; 
which I confess was a most inexcusable oversight ; for in truth 
it would bear a comparison, in point of usefulness and eccen- 
tricity, with the motley collection of the renowned hero of La 
Mancha. 

It was chiefly gathered together by my grandfather; who 
spared neither pains nor expense to procure specimens of the 
oldest, most quaint, and insufferable books in the whole 
compass of English, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a 
tradition in the family that the old gentleman once gave a 
grand entertainment in consequence of having got possession 
of a copy of a phiUppic, by Archbishop Anselm, against the 
unseemly luxury of long toed shoes, as worn by the courtiers 
in the time of William Rufus, which he purchased of an honest 
brickmaker in the neighborhood, for a little less than forty 
times its value. He had undoubtedly a singular reverence for 
old authors, and his highest eulogium on his Ubrary was, that 
it consisted of books not to be met with in any other collection ; 
and, as the phrase is, entirely out of print. The reason of 
which was, I suppose, that they were not worthy of being re- 
printed. 

Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with great care, 
and has added considerably to the collection ; for with the hall 
he has inherited almost all the whim-whams of its former pos- 
sessor. He cherishes a reverential regard for ponderous tomes 
of Greek and Latin; though he knows about as much of these 
languages as a young bachelor of arts does a year or two after 
leaving college. A worm-eaten work in eight or ten volumes 
he compares to an old family, more respectable for its antiquity 
than its splendour ;— a lumbering folio he considers as a duke ;— 
a sturdy quarto, as an earl ; and a row of gilded duodecimos, as 
so many gallant knights of the garter. But as to modern 
works of literature, they are thrust into trunks and drawers. 



226 SALMA G UNDT. 

as intruding upstarts, and regarded with as much contempt as 
mushroom nobihty in England ; who, having risen to grandeur, 
merely by their talents and services, are regarded as utterly 
unworthy to mingle their blood with those noble currents that 
can be traced without a single contamination through a long 
line of, perhaps, useless and profligate ancestors, up to William 
the bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or some one of Rollo's 
freebooters. 

Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most uncommon com- 
plexion, takes great dehght in ransacking the library ; and has 
been, during his late sojournings at the hall, very constant and 
devout in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete learning. He 
seemed particularly tickled with the contents of the great 
mahogany chest of drawers mentioned in the beginning of this 
work. This venerable piece of architecture has frowned, in 
sullen majesty, from a corner of the library, time out of mind ; 
and is filled with musty manuscripts, some in my grandfather's 
handwriting, and others evidently written long before his day. 

It was a sight, worthy of a man's seeing, to behold Will with 
his outlandish phiz poring over old scrawls that would puzzle 
a whole society of antiquarians to expound, and diving into 
receptacles of trumpery, which, for a century past, had been 
undisturbed by mortal hand. He would sit for whole hours, 
with a phlegmatic patience unknown in these degenerate days, 
except, peradventure, among the High Dutch commentators, 
prying into the quaint obscurity of musty parchments, until 
his whole face seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of black- 
letter; and occasionally, when the whimsical meaning of an 
obscure passage flashed on his mind, his countenance would 
curl up into an expression of gothic risibility, not unhke the 
physiognomy of a cabbage leaf wilting before a hot fire. 

At such times there was no getting Will to join in our walks ; 
or take any part in our usual recreations ; he hardly gave us 
an oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so inveterately 
that no one else dared enter the library under pain of suffoca- 
tion. This was more especially the case when he encountered 
any knotty piece of writing ; and he honestly confessed to me 
that one worm-eaten manuscript, written in a pestilent crabbed 
hand, had cost him a box of the best Spanish segars before he 
could make it out ; and after all, it was not worth a tobacco- 
stalk. Such is the turn of my knowing associate;— only let 
him get fairly in the track of any odd out-of-the-way whim- 
wham, and away he goes, whip and cut, until he either runs 



SALMAGUNDI. 227 

down his game, or runs himself out of breath; — I never in my 
life met with a man who rode his hobby-horse more intolerably 
hard than Wizard. 

One of his favourite occupations for some time past, has 
been the hunting of black-letter, which he holds in high re- 
gard ; and he often hints, that learning has been on the de- 
chne ever since the introduction of the Roman alphabet. An 
old book printed three hundred years ago, is a treasure ; and 
a ragged scroll, about one-half unintelligible, fills him with 
rapture. Oh ! with what enthusiasm will he dwell on the dis- 
covery of the Pandects of Justinian, and Li vy's history: and 
when he relates the pious exertions of the Medici, in recover- 
ing the lost treasures of Greek and Roman literature, his eye 
brightens, and his face asBumes all the splendour of an illumi- 
nated manuscript. 

Will had vegetated for a considerable time in perfect tran- 
quillity among dust and cobwebs, when one morning as we 
were gathered on the piazza, listening with exemplary patience 
to one of cousin Christopher's long stories about the revolu- 
tionary war, we were suddenly electrified by an explosion of 
laughter from the library.— My readers, unless peradventure 
they have heard honest Will laugh, can fonn no idea of the 
prodigious uproar he makes. To hear him in a forest, you 
would imagine — that is to say, if you were classical enough— 
that the satyrs and the dryads had just discovered a pair of 
rural lovers in the shade, and were deriding, with bursts of 
obstreperous laughter, the blushes of the nymph and the in- 
dignation of the swain ;— or if it were suddenly, as in the pres- 
ent instance, to break upon the serene and pensive silence of 
an autumnal morning, it would cause a sensation something 
like that which arises from hearing a sudden clap of thunder 
in a summer's day, when not a cloud is to be seen above the 
horizon. In short, I recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign 
remedy for the spleen: and if any of our readers are troubled 
with that villainous complaint, — which can hardly be, if they 
make good use of our works,— I advise them earnestly to get 
introduced to him forthwith. 

This outrageous merriment of Will's, as may be easily sup- 
posed,, threw the whole family into a violent fit of wondering; 
we all, with the exception of Christopher, who took the inter- 
ruption in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the library ; and 
bolting in upon him, were fain at the first glance to join in his 
aspiring roar. His face,— but I despair to give an idea of his 



228 SALMA G UNDL 

appearance ! — and until his portrait, which is now in the handg 
of an eminent artist, is engraved, my readers must be content- 
— I promise them they shall one day or other have a striking 
likeness of Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native come- 
liness. 

Upon my inquiring the occasion of his mirth, he thrust an 
old, rusty, musty, and dusty manuscript into my hand, of 
which I could not decypher one word out of ten, without more 
trouble than it was worth. This task, however, he kindly took 
off my hands ; and, in a little more than eight and forty hours, 
produced a translation into fair Roman letters ; though he as- 
sured me it had lost a vast deal of its humour by being mod- 
ernized and degraded into plain English. In return for the 
great pains he had taken, I could not do less than insert it in 
our work. Will informs me that it is but one sheet of a stu- 
pendous bundle which still remains uninvestigated — who wa? 
the author we have not yet discovered, but a note on the back, 
in my grandfather's handwriting, informs us that it was pre- 
sented to him as a literary curiosity by his particular friend, 
the illustrious Rip Van Dam, formerly lieutenant-governor of 
the colony of New Amsterdam; and whose fame, if it has 
never reached these latter days, it is only because he was too 
modest a man ever to do any thing worthy of being particu- 
larly recorded. 



CHAP. CIX. OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RENOWNED 
AND ANTIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. 

How Gotham city conquered was, 

And how the folk turn'd apes — because.— Linfc. Fid. 

Albeit, much about this time it did fall out that the thrice 
renowned and delectable city of Gotham did suffer great dis- 
comfiture, and was reduced to perilous extremity, by the in- 
vasion and assaults of the Hoppingtots. These are a people in- 
habiting a far distant country, exceedingly pleasaunte and fer- 
tile ; but they being withal egregiously addicted to migrations, 
do thence issue forth in mighty swarms, like the Scythians of 
old, overrunning divers countries, and commonwealths, and 
committing great devastations wheresoever they do go, by 
their horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses. They are 



SALMAGUNDI. 229 

specially noted for being right valorous in all exercises of the 
leg ; and of them it hath been rightly affirmed that no nation 
in all Christendom or elsewhere, can cope with them in the 
adroit, dexterous, and jocund shaking of the heel. 

This engaging excellence doth stand unto them a sovereign 
recommendation, by the which they do insinuate themselves 
into luiiversal favour and good countenance ; and it is a nota- 
ble fact, that, let a Hoppingtot but once introduce a foot into 
company, and it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to flour- 
ish liis whole body in thereafter. The learned Linkum Fide- 
hus, in his famous and unheard-of treatise on man, whom he 
defineth, with exceeding sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, tooth- 
drawing animal, is particularly minute and elaborate in treat- 
ing of the nation of the Hoppingtots, and betrays a little of the 
Pythagorean in his theory, inasmuch as he accounteth for 
their being so wonder ously adroit in pedestrian exercises, by 
supposing that they did originally acquire this unaccountable 
and unparalleled aptitude lor nuge and unmatchable feats of 
the leg, by having heretofore been condemned for their nume- 
rous offences against that harmless race of bipeds —or quadru- 
peds, — for herein the sage Linkum Fidelius appeareth to doubt 
and waver exceedingly — the frogs, to animate their bodies for 
the space of one or two generations. 

He also giveth it as liis opinion, that the name of Hopping- 
tots is manifestly derivative from this transmigration. Be 
this, however, as it may, the matter, albeit it hath been the 
subject of controversy among the learned, is but little perti- 
nent to the subject of this history ; wherefore shall we treat 
and consider it as naughte. 

Now these people being thereto impelled by a superfluity of 
appetite, and a plentiful deficiency of the wherewithal to sat- 
isfy the same, did take thought that the antient and venerable 
city of Gotham, was, peradventure, possessed of mighty treas- 
ures, and did, moreover, abound with all manner of fish and 
flesh, and eatables and drinkables, and such like delightsome 
and wholesome excellencies withal. Whereupon calling a 
council of the most active heeled warriors, they did resolve 
forthwith to put forth a mighty array, make themselves mas- 
ters of the same, and revel in the good things of the land. To 
this were they hotly stirred up, and wickedly incited, by two 
redoubtable and renowned warriors, hight pirouet and riga- 
DOON; ycleped in such sort, by reason that they were two 
mighty, valiant, and invincible little men ; utterly famous for 



230 SALMAGUNDI. 

the victories of the leg which they had, on divers illustrious 
occasions, right gallantly achieved. 

These doughty champions did ambitiously and wickedly in- 
flame the minds of their countrymen, with gorgeous descrip- 
tions, in the which they did cunninglie set forth the marvel- 
lous riches and luxuries of Gotham ; where Hoppingtots might 
have garm^its for their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and 
might riot most merrily every day in the week on beef, pud- 
ding, and such like lusty dainties.— They, Pirouet and Riga- 
doon, did hkewise hold out hopes of an easy conquest ; foras- 
much as the Gothamites were as yet but little versed in the 
mystery and science of handling the legs ; and being, moreover, 
like unto that notable bully of antiquity, Achilles, most vul- 
nerable to all attacks on the heel, would doubtless surrender at 
the very first assault.— Whereupon, on the hearing of this in- 
spiriting counsel, the Hoppingtots did set up a prodigious great 
cry of joy, shook their heels in triumph, and were all impa- 
tience to dance on to Gotham and take it by storm. 

The cunning Pirouet and the arch caitiff Rigadoon, knew full 
well how to profit of this enthusiasm. They forthwith did 
order every man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little 
weapon, called a fiddle ;— to pack up in his knapsack a pair of 
silk breeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat of the form of a 
half-moon, a bundle of catgut— and inasmuch as in marching 
to Gotham, the army might, peradventure, be smitten with 
scarcity of provisions, they did account it proper that each man 
should take especial care to carry with him a bunch of right 
merchantable onions. Having proclaimed these orders by 
sound of fiddle, they, Piroaet and Rigadoon, did accordingly 
put their army behind them, and striking up the right jolly 
and sprightful tune of Ca Ira, away they all capered towards 
the devoted city of Gotham, with a most horrible and appalling 
chattering of voices. 

Of their first appearance before the beleaguered town, and of 
the various difficulties which did encounter them in their 
march, this history saith not ; being that other matters of more 
weighty import require to be written. When that the army of 
the Hoppingtots did peregrinate within sight of Gotham, and 
the people of the city did behold the villainous and hitherto 
unseen capers, and grimaces, which they did make, a most 
horrific panic was stirred up among the citizens ; and the sages 
ol the town fell into great despondency and tribulation, as 
supposing that these invaders were of the race of the Jig-hees, 



SALMAGUNDI. 23| 

who did make men into baboons when they achieved a con- 
quest over them. The sages, therefore, called upon all the 
dancing men, and dancing women, and exhorted them with 
great vehemency of speech, to make heel against the invaders, 
and to put themselves upon such gallant defence, such glorious 
array, and such sturdy evolution, elevation, and transposition 
of the foot as might incontinently impester the legs of the Hop- 
pingtots, and produce their complete discomfiture. But so it 
did happen, by great mischance, that divers light-heeled youth 
of Gotham, more especially those who are descended from 
three wise men,. so renowned of yore for having most venture- 
somely voyaged over sea in a bowl, were, frojn time to time, 
captured and inveigled into the camp of the enemy ; where, 
being foolishly cajoled and treated for a season with outlandish 
disports and pleasantries, they were sent back to their friends, 
entirely changed, degenerated, and turned topsy-turvy; inso- 
much that they thought thenceforth of nothing but their heels, 
always essaying to thrust them into the most manifest point of 
view ; — and, in a word, as might truly be affirmed, did for ever 
after walk upon their heads outright. 

And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and at late hours of 
the night, wax more and more urgent in this their investment 
of the city. At one tune they would, in goodly procession, 
make an open assault by sound of fiddle in a tremendous con- 
tra dance ; — and anon they would advance by little detachments 
and manoeuvres to take the town by figuring in cotillions. 
But truly their most cunning and devilish craft, and subtilty, 
was made manifest in their strenuous endeavours to corrupt 
the garrison, by a most insidious and pestilent dance called the 
Waltz. This, in good truth, was a potent auxihary ; for, by it, 
were the heads of the simple Gothamites most villainously 
turned, their wits sent a wool-gathering, and themselves on 
the point of surrendering at discretion even unto the very arms 
of their invading foemen. 

At length the fortifications of the town began to give mani- 
fest symptoms of decay ; inasmuch as the breastwork of de- 
cency was considerably broken down, and the curtain works 
of propriety blown up. When that the cunning caitiff Pirouet 
beheld the ticklish and jeopardized state of the city — " Now, 
by my leg," quoth he,— he alwaya swore by his leg, being that 
it was an exceeding goodlie leg; — " Now, by my leg," quoth he, 
'' but this is no great matter of recreation; — I will show these 
people a pretty, strange, and new way forsooth, presentlie. 



^32 8 ALMA O UNDL 

and will shake the dust off my pumps upon this most obstinate 
and uncivilized town." Whereupon he ordered, and did com- 
mand his warriors, one and all, that they should put themselves 
in readiness, and prepare to carry the town by a grand ball. 
They, in no wise to be daunted, do forthwith, at the word, 
equip themselves for the assault ; and in good faith, truly, it 
was a gracious and glorious sight, a most triumphant and in- 
comparable spectacle, to behold them gallantly arrayed in 
glossy and shining silk breeches tied with abundance of riband ; 
with silken hose of the gorgeous colour of the salmon ; — right 
goodlie morocco pumps decorated with clasps or buckles of a 
most cunninge and secret contrivance, inasmuch as they did of 
themselves grapple to the shoe without any aid of fluke or 
tongue, marvellously ensembling witchcraft and necromancy. 
They had, withal, exuberant chitterlings ; which puffed out at 
the neck and bosom, after a most jolly fashion, like unto the 
beard of an antient he-turkey ;— and cocked hats, the which 
they did carry not on their heads, after the fashion of the 
Gothamites, but under their arms, as a roasted fowl his gizzard. 
Thus being equipped, and marshalled, they do attack, assault, 
batter and belabour the town with might and main;— most gal- 
lantly displaying the vigour of their legs, and shaking their 
heels at it most emphatically. And the manner of their attack 
was in this sort ; — first, they did thunder and gallop forward 
in a contre-temps; — and anon, displayed column in a Cossack 
dance, a fandango, or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, in 
no wise understanding this unknown system of warfare, mar- 
velled exceedinglie, and did open their mouths incontinently, 
the full distance of a bow-shot, meaning a cross-bow, in sore 
dismay and apprehension. Whereupon, saith Rigadoon, flour- 
ishing his left leg with great expression of valour, and most 
magnific carriage — " my copesmates, for what wait we here; 
are not the townsmen already won to our favour?— do not their 
women and young damsels wave to us from the walls in such 
sort that, albeit there is some show of defence, yet is it mani- 
festly converted into our interests?" so saying, he made no 
more ado, but leaping into the air about a flight-shot, and 
crossing his feet six times, after the manner of the Hoppingtots, 
he gave a short partridge-run, and with mighty vigour and 
swiftness did bolt outright over the walls with a somerset. 
The whole army of Hoppingtots danced in after their valiant 
chieftain, with an enormous squeaking of fiddles, and a horrific 
blasting and brattling of horns; insomuch that the dogs did 



SALMA G UNDL 233 

howl in the streets, so hideously were their ears assailed. The 
Gothamites made some semblance of defence, but their women 
having been all won over into the interest of the enemy, they 
were shortly reduced to make most abject submission; and de- 
livered over to the coercion of certain professors of the Hop- 
pingtots, who did put them under most ignominious durance, 
for the space of a long time, until they had learned to turn out 
theii' toes, and flourish their legs after the true manner of 
their conquerors. And thus, after the manner I have related, 
was the mighty and puissant city of Gotham circumvented, 
and taken by a coup de pied : or as it might by rendered, by 
force of legs. 

The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put all ages, sexes, 
and conditions to the fiddle and the dance ; and, in a word, 
compelled and enforced them to become absolute Hoppingtots. 
" Habit," as the ingenious Linkum Fidelius profoundly affirm- 
eth, "is second nature." And this original and invaluable ob- 
servation hath been most aply proved, and illustrated, by the 
example of the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and un- 
lucky mischance. In process of time, they have waxed to be 
most flagrant, outrageous, and abandoned dancers; they do 
ponder on noughte but how to gallantize it at balls, routs, and 
fandangoes ; insomuch that the like was in no time or place 
ever observed before. They do, moreover, pitifully devote 
their nights to the jollification of the legs, and their days for- 
sooth to the instruction and edification of the heel. And to 
conclude ; their young folk, who whilome did bestow a modi- 
cum of leisure upon the improvement of the head, have of late 
utterly abandoned this hopeless task ; and have quietly, as it 
were, settled themselves down into mere machines, wound up 
fey a tune, and set in motion by a fiddle-stick ! 



234 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XVIII.-TUESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. 



THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

The following story has been handed down by family tradi- 
tion for more than a century. It is one on which my cousin 
Christopher dwells with more than usual prolixity ; and, being 
in some measure connected with a personage often quoted in 
our work, I have thought it worthy of being laid before my 
readers. 

Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cockloft, had quietly 
settled himself at the hall, and just about the time that the 
gossips of the neighbourhood, tired of prying into his affairs, 
were anxious for some new tea-table topic, the busy communi- 
ty of our little village was thrown into a grand turmoil of 
curiosity and conjecture— a situation very common to little 
gossiping villages— by the sudden and unaccountable appear- 
ance of a mysterious individual. 

The object of this solicitude was a little black-looking man, 
of a foreign aspect, who took possession of an old building, 
which having long had the reputation of being haunted, was in 
a state of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all true 
believers in ghosts. He usually wore a high sugarloaf hat with 
a narrow brim; and a little black cloak, wliich, short as he 
was, scarcely reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy 
or acquaintance with any one ; appeared to take no interest in 
the pleasures or the little broils of the village ; nor ever talked ; 
except sometimes to himself in an outlandish tongue. He 
commonly carried a large book, covered with sheepskin, under 
his arm ; appeared always to be lost in meditation ; and was 
often met by the peasantry, sometimes watching the dawning 
of day, sometimes at noon seated under a tree poring over his 



SALMAOtlNDl 335 

volume ; and sometimes at evening gazing AWi a look of sober 
tranquillity at the sun as it gradually sunit below the horizon. 

The good people of the vicinity beheld something prodig- 
iously singular in all this;— a profound mystery seemed to 
hang about the stranger, which, with all their sagacity, they 
could not penetrate ; and in the excess of worldly charity they 
pronounced it a sure sign ' ' that he was no better than he 
should be ;" — a phrase innocent enough in itself : but which, as 
applied in common, signifies nearly every thing that is bad. 
The young people thought him a gloomy misanthrope, because 
he never joined in their sports ;— the old men thought still more 
hardly of him because he followed no trade, nor ever seemed 
ambitious of earning a farthing ; — and as to the old gossips, 
baffled by the inflexible taciturnity of the stranger, they unani- 
mously agreed that a man who could not or would not talk 
was no better than a dumb beast. The httle man in black, 
careless of their opinions, seemed resolved to maintain the lib- 
erty of keeping his own secret ; and the consequence was, that, 
in a little while, the whole village was in an uproar ; — for in 
httle communities of this description, the members have al- 
ways the privilege of being thoroughly versed, and even of 
meddling in all the affairs of each other. 

A confidential conference was held one Sunday morning 
after sermon, at the door of the village church, and the char- 
acter of the unknown fully investigated. The schoolmaster 
gave as his opinion, that he was the wandering Jew ; — the sex- 
ton was certain that he must be a free-mason from his silence ; 
— a third maintained, with great obstinacy, that he was a 
high German doctor; and that the book which he carried about 
with him, contained the secrets of the black art ; but the most 
prevailing opinion seemed to be that he was a witch ; — a race 
of beings at that time abounding in those parts ; and a saga- 
cious old matron, from Connecticut, proposed to ascertain the 
fact by sousing him into a kettle of hot water. 

Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind and tide, and 
soon becomes certainty. Many a stormy night was the little 
man in black, seen by the flashes of lightning, frisking and 
curveting in the air upon a broomstick ; and it was always ob- 
served, that at those times the storm did more mischief than 
at any other. The old lady in particular, who suggested the 
humane ordeal of the boiling kettle, lost on one of these occa- 
sions a fine brindle cow ; which accident was entirely ascribed 
to the vengeance of the little man in black. If ever a mis- 



^36 SALMAGUNDI 

chievous hireling rode his master's favourite horse to a distant 
frohc, and the animal was observed to be lame and jaded in 
the morning,— the httle man in black was sure to be at the 
bottom of the affair ; nor could a high wind howl through the 
village at night but the old women shrugged up their shoul- 
ders, and observed, " the little man in black was in his tan- 
trums.^^ In short, he became the bugbear of every house; and 
was as effectual in frightening httle children into obedience 
and hysterics, as the redoubtable Raw-head-and-bloody-bones 
himself: nor could a housewife of the village sleep in peace, 
except under the guardianship of a horse-shoe nailed to the 
door. 

The object of these direful suspicions remained for some time 
totally ignorant of the wonderful quandary he had occasioned ; 
but he was soon doomed to feel its effects. An individual who 
is once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a village, is in 
a great measure outlawed and proscribed ; and becomes a mark 
for injury and insult ; particularly if he has not the power or 
the disposition to recriminate. The little venomous passions, 
which in the great world are dissipated and weakened by 
being widely diffused, act in the narrow limits of a country 
town with collected vigour, and become rancorous in propor- 
tion as they are confined in their sphere of action. The little 
man in black experienced the truth of tliis ; every mischievous 
urchin returning from school, had full liberty to break his win- 
dows ; and this was considered as a most daring exploit ; for 
in such awe did they stand of him, that the most adventurous 
school boy was never seen to approach his threshold, and at 
night would prefer going round by the cross-roads, where a 
traveller had been murdered by the Indians, rather than pass 
by the door of his forlorn habitation. 

The only living creature that seemed to have any care or 
affection for this deserted being was an old turnspit, — the 
companion of his lonely mansion and his solitary wanderings ; 
— the sharer of his scanty meals, and, sorry am I to say it, the 
sharer of his persecutions. The turnspit, like his master, was 
peaceable and inoffensive ; never known to bark at a horse, to 
growl at a traveller, or to quarrel with the dogs of the neigh- 
bourhood. He followed close at his master's heels when he 
went out, and when he returned stretched himself in the sun- 
beams at the door; demeaning himself in all things like a civil 
and well-disposed turnspit. But notwithstanding his exemplary 
deportment, he fell likewise under the ill report of the village j 



SALMAGUNDI. 237 

as being the familiar of the little man in black, and the evil 
spirit that presided at liis incantations. The old hovel was 
considered as the scene of their unhallowed rites, and its harm- 
less tenants regarded with a detestation which their inoffen- 
sive conduct never merited.— Though pelted and jeered at by 
the brats of the village, and frequently abused by their 
parents, the little man in black never turned to rebuke them ; 
and his faithful dog, when wantonly assaulted, looked up 
wistfully in his master's face, and there learned a lesson of 
patience and forbearance. 

The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the 
subject of speculation at Cockloft-hall, for its inmates were full 
as much given to wondering as their descendants. The pa- 
tience with which he bore his persecutions particularly sur- 
prised them ; for patience is a virtue but Httle known in the 
Cockloft family. My grandmother, who it appears was rather 
superstitious, saw in this humility nothing but the gloomy sul- 
lenness of a wizard, who restrained himself for the present, in 
hopes of midnight vengeance;— the parson of the village, who 
was a man of some reading, pronounced it the stubborn insen- 
sibility of a stoic philosopher;— my grandfather, who, worthy 
soul, seldom wandered abroad in search of conclusions, took a 
data from his own excellent heart, and regarded it as the hum- 
ble forgiveness of a Christian. But however different were 
their opinions as to the character of the stranger, they agreed 
in one particular, namely, in never intruding upon his soli- 
tude ; and my grandmother, who was at that time nursing my 
mother, never left the room without wisely putting the large 
family Bible in the cradle; a sure talisman, in her opinion, 
against witchcraft and necromancy. 

One stormy winter night, when a bleak north-east wind 
moaned about the cottages, and howled around the village 
steeple, my grandfather was returning from club, preceded by 
a servant with a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the des- 
olate abode of the little man in black, he was arrested by the 
piteous howling of a dog, which, heard in the pauses of the 
storm, was exquisitely mournful; and he fancied now and 
then, that he caught the low and broken groans of some one in 
distress. — He stopped for some minutes, hesitating between the 
benevolence of his heart and a sensation of genuine delicacy, 
which, in spite of his eccentricity, he fully possessed, — and 
which forbade him to pry into the concerns of his neighbours. 
Perhaps, too, this hesitation might have been strengthened by 



238 SALMAOUNDL 

a little taint of superstition ; for surely, if the unknown had 
been addicted to witchcraft, this was a most propitious night 
for his vagaries. At length the old gentleman's philanthropy 
predominatea ; he approached the hovel, and pushing open the 
door, — for poverty has no occasion for locks and keys, — be- 
held, by the hght of the lantern, a scene that smote his gen- 
erous heart to the core. 

On a miserable bed, with pallid and emaciated visage, and 
hollow eyes; — in a room destitute of every convenience; — 
without fire to warm, or friend to console him, lay this help- 
less mortal, who had been so long the terror and wonder of the 
village. His dog was crouching on the scanty coverlet, and 
shivering with cold. My grandfather stepped softly and hesi- 
tatingly to the bed-side, and accosted the forlorn sufferer in his 
usual accents of kindness. The Httle man in black seemed re- 
called by the tones of compassion from the lethargy into which 
he had fallen; for, though his heart was almost frozen, there 
was yet one chord that answered to the call of the good old 
man who bent over him ; the tones of sympathy, so novel to 
his ear, called back his wandering senses, and acted like a res- 
torative to his solitary feelings. 

He raised his eyes, but they were vacant and haggard ;— he 
put forth his hand, but it was cold ; he essayed to speak, but 
the sound died away in his throat;— he pointed to his mouth 
with an expression of dreadful meaning, and, sad to relate! 
my grandfather understood that the harmless stranger, de- 
serted by society, was perishing with himger !— with the quick 
impulse of humanity he despatched the servant to the hall for 
refreshment. A little warm nourishment renovated him for a 
short time, but not long:— it was evident his pilgrimage was 
drawing to a close, and he was about entering that peaceful 
asylum where " the wicked cease from troubling." 

His tale of misery was short, and quickly, told : infirmities 
had stolen upon him, heightened by the rigours of the season, 
he had taken to his bed without strength to rise and ask for 
assistance ;— " and if I had," said he in a tone of bitter despon- 
dency, "to whom should I have applied? I have no friend 
that I know of in the world!— the villagers avoid me as some- 
thing loathsome and dangerous; and here, in the midst of 
Christians, should I have perished, without a fellow-being to 
soothe the last moments of existence, and close my dying eyes, 
had not the bowlings of my faithful dog excited your atten 
tion." 



SALMAGUNDI. 239 

He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness of my grand- 
father ; and at one time as he looked up into his old benefac- 
tor's face, a solitary tear was observed to steal adown the 
parched furrows of his cheek— poor outcast ! — it was the last 
tear he shed — but I warrant it was not the first by millions ! 
my grandfather watched by him all night. Towards morning 
he gradually declined ; and as the rising sun gleamed through 
the window, he begged to be raised in his bed that he might 
look at it for the last time. He contemplated it for a moment 
with a kind of religious enthusiasm, and his lips moved as if 
engaged in prayer. The strange conjectures concerning him 
rushed on my grandfather's mind :" he is an idolater !" thought 
he, "and is worshipping the sun!" — He hstened a moment and 
blushed at his own uncharitable suspicion ; he was only en- 
gaged in the pious devotions of a Christian. His simple orison 
being finished, the little man in black withdrew his eyes from 
the east, and taking my grandfather's hand in one of his, and 
making a motion with the other towards the sun; — " I love to 
contemplate it," said he, "'tis an emblem of the universal 
benevolence of a true Christian ; — and it is the most glorious 
work of him who is philanthropy itself!" My grandfather 
blushed still deeper at his ungenerous surmises ; he had pitied 
the stranger at first, but now he revered him :— he turned once 
more to regard him, but his countenance had undergone a 
change ;— the holy enthusiasm that bad lighted up each fea- 
ture, had given place to an expression of mysterious import ;— 
a gleam of grandeur seemed to steal across his Gothic visage, 
and he appeared full of some mighty secret which he hesitated 
to impart. He raised the tattered nightcap that had sunk al- 
most over his eyes, and waving his withered hand with a slow 
and feeble expression of dignity, — "In me," said he, with la- 
conic solemnity, — "in me you behold the last descendant of 
the renowned Linkum Fidelius!" My grandfather gazed at 
him with reverence; for though he had never heard of the 
illustrious personage, thus pompously announced, jet there 
was a certain black-letter dignity in the name that peculiarly 
struck his fancy and commanded his respect. 

"You have been kind to me," continued the little man in 
black, after a momentary pause, "and richly will I requite 
your kindness by making you heir to my treasures ! In yon- 
der large deal box are the volumes ci my illustrious ancestor, 
of which I alone am the fortunate possessor. Inherit them — 
ponder over them, and be wise !" He grew faint with the ex- 



240 SALMAGUNDI. 

ertion he had made, and sunk back almost breathless on his 
pillow. His hand, which, inspired mth the importance of his 
subject, he had raised to my grandfather's arm, slipped from 
its hold and fell over the side of the bed, and his faithful dog 
licked it ; as if anxious to soothe the last moments of his mas 
ter, and testify his gratitude to the hand that had so often 
cherished him. The untaught caresses of the faithful animal 
were not lost upon liis dying master ; — he raised his languid 
eyes,— turned them on the dog, then on my grandfather; and 
having given this silent recommendation, — closed them for 
ever. 

The remains of the little man in black, notwithstanding the 
objections of many pious people, were decently interred in the 
church-yard of the village; and his spirit, harmless as the 
body it once animated, has never been known to molest a 
living being. My grandfather complied, as far as possible, 
with his last request; he conveyed the volumes of Linkmn 
Fidehus to his library ;— he pondered over them frequently ; — 
but whether he grew wiser, the tradition doth not mention. 
This much is certain, that his kindness to the poor descendant 
of Fidehus was amply rewarded by the approbation of his own 
heart and the devoted attachment of the old turnspit, who, 
transferring his affection from his deceased master to his ben- 
efactor, became his constant attendant, and was father to a 
long line of runty curs that still flourish in the family. And 
thus was the Cockloft library first enriched by the invaluable 
folios of the sage Linkum Fidelius. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Though I am often disgusted, my good Asem, with the vices 
and absurdities of the men of this country, yet the women 
afford me *a world of amusement. Their lively prattle is as 
diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed parrot; nor can 
the gi-een-headed monkey of Timandi equal them in whim and 
playfulness. But, notwithstanding these valuable quahfica- 
tions, I am sorry to observe they are not treated with half 



8ALMA G UNDL 241 

the attention bestowed on the before - mentioned animals. 
These infidels put their parrots in cages and chain their mon- 
keys ; but their women, instead of being carefully shut up in 
harems and seraglios, are abandoned to the direction of their 
own reason and suffered to run about in perfect freedom, like 
other domestic animals: — this comes, Asem, of treating their 
women as rational beings and allowing them souls. The conse- 
quence of this piteous neglect may easily be imagined : — they 
have degenerated into all their native wildness, are seldom to 
be caught at home, and, at an early age, take to the streets 
and highways, where they rove about in droves, giving almost 
as much annoyance to the peaceable people as the troops of 
wild dogs that infest our great cities, or the flights of locusts 
that sometimes spread famine and desolation over whole re- 
gions of fertility. 

This propensity to relapse into pristine wildness convinces 
me of the untameable disposition of the sex, who may indeed 
be partially domesticated by a long course of confinement and 
restraint, but the moment they are restored to personal free- 
dom, become wild as the young partridge of this country, 
which, though scarcely half hatched, will take to the fields 
and run about with the shell upon its back. 

Notwithstanding their v/ildness, however, they are remarka- 
bly easy of access, and suffer themselves to be approached at 
certain hours of the day without any symptoms of apprehen- 
sion ; and I have even happily succeeded in detecting them at 
their domestic occupations. One of the most important of 
these consists in thumping vehemently on a kind of musical 
instrument, and producing a confused, hideous, and indefina- 
ble uproar, which they call the description of a battle ; — a jest, 
no doubt, for they are wonderfully facetious at times, and 
make great practice of passing jokes upon strangers. Some- 
times they employ themselves in painting little caricatures of 
landscapes, wherein they display their singular drollery in 
bantering natiire fairly out of countenance ; representing her 
tricked out in all the tawdry finery of copper skies, purple 
rivers, calico rocks, red grass, clouds that look like old clothes 
set adrift by the tempest, and foxy trees whose melancholy 
foliage, drooping and curling most fantastically, reminds me 
of an undressed perriwig that I have now and then seen hung 
on a stick in a barber's window. At other times they employ 
themselves in acquiring a smattering of languages spoken by 
nations on the other side of the globe, as they find their own 



242 SALMAGUNDI. 

language not sufficiently copious to supply their constant de- 
mands and express their multifarious ideas. But their most 
important domestic avocation is to embroider, on satin or mus- 
lin, flowers of a nondescript kind, in which the gi^eat art is to 
make them as unhke nature as possible; — or to fasten little 
bits of silver, gold, tinsel, and glass on long strips of muslin, 
which they drag after them with much dignity whenever they 
go abroad ; — a fine lady, like a bird of paradise, being estimated 
by the length of her tail. 

But do not, my friend, fall into the enormous error of sup- 
posing that the exercise of these arts is attended with any use- 
ful or profitable result— believe me, thou couldst not indulge 
an idea more unjust and injurious ; for it appears to be an estab- 
lished maxim among the women of this country, that a lady 
loses her dignity when she condescends to be useful, and for- 
feits aU rank in society the moment she can be convicted of 
earning a farthing. Their labours, therefore, are directed not 
towards supplying their household, but in decking their per- 
sons, and— generous souls!— they deck their persons, not so 
much to please themselves, as to gratify others, particularly 
strangers. I am confident thou wilt stare at this, my good 
Asem, accustomed as thou art to our eastern females, who 
shrink in blushing timidity even from the glance of a lover, 
and are so chary of their favours, that they even seem fearful 
of lavishing their smiles too profusely on their husbands. Here, 
on the contrary, the stranger has the first place in female re- 
gard, and so far do they carry their hospitality, that I have 
seen a fine lady shght a dozen tried friends and real admirers, 
who lived in her smiles and made her happiness their study, 
merely to allure the vague and wandering glances of a stranger, 
who viewed her person with indifference and treated her ad- 
vances with contempt. By the whiskers of our sublime 

bashaw, but this is highly flattering to a foreigner ! and thou 
mayest judge how particularly pleasing to one who is, like my- 
self, so ardent an admirer of the sex. Far be it from me to 
condemn this extraordinary manifestation of good will— let 
their own countrymen look to that. 

Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, lest I should 
be tempted by these beautiful barbarians to break the faith I 
owe to the three-and-twenty wives from whom my unhappy 
destiny has perhaps severed me for ever:— no, Asem, neither 
time nor the bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues me 
.can shake from my heart the memory of former attachments. 



SALMAGUNDI 243 

I listen with tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling of 
these fair syrens ; their whimsical paintings touch not the ten- 
der chord of my affections ; and I would stiQ defy their fasci- 
nations, though they trailed after them trains as long as the 
gorgeous trappings which are dragged at the heels of the holy 
camel of Mecca : or as the tail of the great beast in our prophet's 
vision, which measured three hundred and forty-nine leagues, 
two miles, three furlongs, and a hand's breadth in longitude. 

The dress of these women is, if possible, more eccentric and 
whimsical than their deportment ; and they take an inordinate 
pride in certain ornaments which are probably derived from 

their savage progenitors. A woman of this country, dressed 

out for an exhibition, is loaded with as many ornaments as a 
Circassian slave when brought out for sale. Their heads are 
tricked out with little bits of horn or shell, cut into fantastic 
shapes, and they seem to emulate each other in the number of 
these singular baubles ; — like the women we have seen in our 
journeys to Aleppo, who cover their heads with the entire shell 
of a tortoise, and, thus equipped, are the envy of all their less 
fortunate acquaintance. They also decorate their necks and 
ears with coral, gold chains, and glass beads, and load their 
fingers with a variety of rings ; though, I must confess, I have 
never perceived that they wear any in their noses — as has been 
affirmed by many travellers. We have heard much of their 
painting themselves most hideously, and making use of bear's 
grease in great profusion ; but this, I solemnly assure thee, is a 
misrepresentation ; civilization, no doubt, having gradually ex- 
tirpated these nauseous practices. It is true, I have seen two 
or three of these females, who had disguised their features with 
paint ; but then it was merely to give a tinge of red to their 
cheeks, and did not look very frightful ; and as to ointment, 
they rarely use any now, except occasionally a little Grecian 
oil for their hair, which gives it a glossy, greasy, and, they 
think, very comely appearance. The last-mentioned class of 
females, I take it for granted, have been but lately caught, 
and stni retain strong traits of their original savage propen- 
sities. 

The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, however, which I 
find in these lovely savages, is the shameless and abandoned 
exposure of their persons. Wilt not thou suspect me of exag- 
geration when I affirm;— wilt thou not blush for them, most 
discreet Mussulman, when I declare to thee, that they are so 
lost to all sense of modesty, as to expose the whole of their 



^244 SALMAGUNDI. 

faces from their forehead to the chin, and they even go abroad 
with their hands uncovered !— Monstrous indehcacy !— 

But what I am going to disclose, will, doubtless, appear to 
thee still more incredible. Though I cannot forbear paying a 
tribute of admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair infi- 
dels, yet I must give it as my firm opinion, that their persons 
are preposterously unseemly. In vain did I look around me, 
on my first landing, for those divine forms of redundant pro- 
portions, which answer to the true standard of eastern beauty •, 
— not a single fat fair one could I behold among the multitudes 
that thronged the streets ; the females that passed in review 
before me, tripping sportively along, resembled a procession 
of shadows, returning to their graves at the crowing of the 
cock. 

This meagreness I first ascribed to their excessive volubility ; 
for I have somewhere seen it advanced by a learned doctor, 
that the sex were endowed with a peculiar activity of tongue, 
in order that they might practise talking as a healthful exer- 
cise, necessary to their confined and sedentary mode of life. 
This exercise, it was natural to suppose, would be carried to 
great excess in a logocracy. — "Too true," thought I, "they 
have converted, what was undoubtedly meant as a beneficent 
gift, into a noxious habit, that steals the flesh from their bones 
and the rose from their cheeks — they absolutely talk themselves 
thin!" Judge then of my surprise when I was assured, not 
long since, that this meagreness was considered the perfection 
of personal beauty, and that many a lady starved herself, with 

all the obstinate perseverance of a pious dervise into a fine 

figure! "Nay, more," said my informer, "they will often 

sacrifice their healths in this eager pursuit of skeleton beauty, 
and drink vinegar, eat pickles, and smoke tobacco, to keep 
themselves within the scanty outlines of the fashions." — Faugh ! 
Allah preserve me from such beauties, who contaminate their 
pure blood with noxious recipes ; who impiously sacrifice the 
best gifts of Heaven, to a preposterous and mistaken vanity. 
Ere long I shall not be surprised to see them scarring their 
faces like the negroes of Congo, flattening their noses in imita- 
tion of the Hottentots, or like the barbarians of Ab-al Timar, 
distorting their lips and ears out of all natural dimensions. 
Since I received this information, I cannot contemplate a fine 
figure, without thinking of a vinegar cruet ; nor look at a dash- 
ing belle, without fancying her a pot of pickled cucumbers! 
What a difference, my friend, between these shades and the 



SALMAGUNDI 245 

plump beauties of Tripoli, — what a contrast between an infidel 
fair one and my favourite wife Fatima, whom I bought by the 
hundred weight, and had trundled home in a wheel-barrow ! 

But enough for the present ; I am promised a faithful ac- 
count of the arcana of a lady's toilette — a complete initiation 
into the arts, mysteries, spells, and potions ; in short, the whole 
chemical process by which she reduces herself down to the 
most fashionable standard of insignificance; together with 
specimens of the strait waistcoats, the lacings, the bandages, 
and the various ingenious instruments with which she puts 
nature to the rack, and tortures herself into a proper figure to 
be admired. 

Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! the echoes that re- 
peat to a lover's ear the song of his mistress, are not more 
soothing than tidings from those we love. Let thy answer to 
my letters be speedy : and never, I pray thee, for a moment, 
cease to watch over the prosperity of my house, and the wel- 
fare of my beloved wives. Let them want for nothing, my 
friend; but feed them plentifully on honey, boiled rice, and 
water gruel; so that when I return to the blessed land of my 
fathers, if that can ever be ! I may find them improved in size 
and loveliness, and sleek as the graceful elephants that range 
the green valley of Abimar. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



246 BALMAOVNDl 



NO. XIX.-THURSDAY, DEC. 31, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Having returned to town, and once more formally taken 
possession of my elbow-chair, it behooves me to discard the 
rural feehngs, and the rural sentiments, in which I have for 
some time past indulged, and devote myself more exclusively 
to the edification of the town. As I feel at this moment a 
chivalric spark of gallantry playing around my heart, and one 
of those dulcet emotions of cordiality, which an old bachelor 
will sometimes entertain towards the divine sex, I am deter- 
mined to gratify the sentiment for once, and devote this num- 
ber exclusively to the ladies. I would not, however, have our 
fair readers imagine that we wish to flatter ourselves into their 
good graces ; devoutly as we adore them ! — and what true cava- 
lier does not, — and heartily as we desire to flourish in the mild 
sunshine of their smiles, yet we scorn to insinuate ourselves 
into their favour ; unless it be as honest friends, sincere well- 
wishers, and disinterested advisers. If in the course of this 
number they find us rather prodigal of our encomiums, they 
will have the modesty to ascribe it to the excess of their own 
merits;— if they find us extremely indulgent to their faults, 
they will impute it rather to the superabundance of our good- 
nature, than to any servile and illiberal fear of giving offence. 

The following letter of Mustapha falls in exactly with the 
current of my purpose. As I have before mentioned that his 
letters are without dates, we are obliged to give them very 
irregularly, without any regard to chronological order. 

The present one appears to have been written not long after 
his arrival, and antecedent to several already published. It is 
more in the familiar and colloquial style than the others. 
Will Wizard declares he has translated it with fidelity, ex- 
cepting that he has omitted several remarks on the waltz. 



SALMAGUNDI. 247 

which the honest Mussulman eulogizes with great enthusiasm ; 
comparing it to certain voluptuous dances of the seraglio. 
Will regretted exceedingly that the indelicacy of several of 
these observations compelled their total exclusion, as he 
wishes to give all possible encouragement to this popular and 
amiable exhibition. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO MULEY HELIM AL RAGGI, SURNAMED THE AGREEABLE RAGA- 
MUFFIN, CHIEF MOUNTEBANK AND BUFF A-D ANGER TO HIS HIGH- 
NESS. 

The numerous letters which I have written to our friend the 
slave-driver, as well as those to thy kinsman the snorer, and 
which, doubtless, were read to thee, honest Muley, have, in all 
probability, awakened thy curiosity to know further partic- 
ulars concerning the manners of the barbarians, who hold me 
in such ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of their 
public ceremonies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedingly 
as to its object ; but as the explanations of a friend have let 
me somewhat into the secret, and as it seems to bear no small 
analogy to thy profession, a description of it may contribute 
to thy amusement, if not to thy instruction. 

A few days since, just as I had finished my coffee, and was 
perfuming my whiskers, preparatory to a morning walk, I was 
waited upon by an inhabitant of this place, a gay young in- 
fidel who has of late cultivated my acquaintance. He pre- 
sented me with a square bit of painted pasteboard, which, he 
informed me, would entitle me to admittance to the city as- 
sembly. Curious to know the meaning of a phrase which was 
entirely new to me, I requested an explanation; when my 
friend informed me that the assembly was a numerous con 
course of young people of both sexes, who, on certain occa- 
sions, gathered together to dance about a large room with 
violent gesticulation, and try to out-dress each other. — "In 
short," said he, "if you wish to see the natives in all their 
glory, there's no place like the City Assembly ; so you must 
go there, and sport your whiskers." Though the matter of 
sporting my whiskers was considerably above my apprehen- 



248 SALMAOUNBL 

sion, yet 1 now began, as I thought, to understand him. I had 
heard of the war dances of the natives, which are a kind of 
rehgious institution, and had Httle doubt but that this must 
be a solemnity of the kind— upon a prodigious great scale. 
Anxious as I am to contemplate these strange people in every 
situation, I willingly acceded to his proposal, and, to be the 
more at ease, I determined to lay aside my Turkish dress, and 
appear in plain garments of the fashion of this country ; as is 
my custom whenever I wish to mingle in a crowd without ex- 
citing the attention of the gaping multitude. 

It was long after the shades of night had fallen, before my 
friend appeared to conduct me to the assembly. "These in- 
fidels," thought I, "shroud themselves in mystery, and seek 
the aid of gloom and darkness, to heighten the solemnity of 
their pious orgies." Resolving to conduct myself with that 
decent respect which every stranger owes to the customs of 
the land in wliich he sojourns, I chastised my features into an 
expression of sober reverence, and stretched my face into a 
degree of longitude suitable to the ceremony I was about to 
witness. Spite of myself, I felt an emotion of awe stealing 
over my senses as I approached the majestic pile. My im- 
agination pictured something similar to a descent into the 
cave of Dom-Daniel, where the necromancers of the East are 
of taught their infernal arts. I entered with the same gravity 
demeanour that I would have approached the holy temple 
at Mecca, and bowed my head three times as I passed the 
threshold. " Head of the mighty Amrou !" thought I, on being 
ushered into a splendid saloon, ' ' what a display is here ! surely 
I am transported to the mansions of the Houris, the elysium of 
the faithful !"— How tame appeared all the descriptions of en- 
chanted palaces in our Arabian poetry! — wherever I turned 
my ej^es, the quick glances of beauty dazzled my vision and 
ravished my heart ; lovely virgins fluttered by me, darting 
imperial looks of conquest, or beaming such smiles of invita- 
tion, as did Gabriel when he beckoned our holy prophet to 
Heaven. Shall I own the weakness of thy friend, good Muley? 
— while thus gazing on the enchanted scene before me, I, for 
a moment, forgot my country; and even the memory of my 
three-and-twenty wives faded from my heart ; my thoughts 
were bewildered and led astray by the charms of these bewitch- 
ing savages, and I sunk, for a while, into that dehcious state of 
mind, where the senses, all enchanted, and all striving for 
mastery, produce an endless variety of tumultuous, yet pleas- 



SALMAGUNDI. ^49 

ing emotions. Oh, Muley, never shall I again wonder that an 
infidel should prove a recreant to the single solitary wife allot- 
ted to him, when, even thy friend, armed with all the precepts 
of Mahomet, can so easily prove faithless to three-and-twenty 1 

"Whither have you led me?" said I, at length, to my com- 
panion, "and to whom do these beautiful creatures belong? 
Certainly this must be the seragho of the grand bashaw of the 
city, and a most happy bashaw must he be, to possess treas- 
ures, which even his highness of Tripoh cannot parallel." 
"Have a care," cried my companion, "how you talk about 
seraglios, or you'll have all these gentle nymphs about your 
ears; for seraglio is a word which, beyond all others, they 
abhor;— most of them," continued he, "have no lord and 
master, but come here to catch one — they're in the market, as 
we term it." "Ah, hah!" said I, exultingly, " then you really 
have a fair, or slave-market, such as we have in the east, 
where the faithful are provided with the choicest virgins of 

Georgia and Circassia? by our glorious sun of Afric, but I 

should like to select some ten or a dozen wives from so lovely 
an assemblage ! Pray, what would you suppose they might be 
bought for?" 

Before I could receive an answer, my attention was attracted 
by two or three good-looking, middle-sized men, who, being 
dressed in black, a colour universally worn in this country by 
the muftis and dervises, I immediately concluded to be high- 
priests, and was confirmed in my original opinion that this was 
a religious ceremony. These reverend personages are entitled 
managers, and enjoy unlimited authority in the assemblies, 
being armed with swords, with which, I am told, they would 
infallibly put any lady to death who infringed the laws of the 
temple. They walked round the room with great solemnity, 
and, with an air of profound importance and mystery, put a 
little piece of folded paper in each fair hand, which I concluded 
were religious talismans. One of them dropped on the floor, 
whereupon I slily put my foot on it, and, watching an oppor- 
tunity, picked it up unobserved, and found it to contain some 
unintelligible words and the mystic number 9. What were its 
virtues I know not ; except that I put it in my pocket, and 
have hitherto been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, 
which I generally have about this season of the year, ever 
since I tumbled into the well of Zim-zim on my pilgrimage to 
Mecca. I enclose it to thee in this letter, presuming it to be 
particularly serviceable against the dangers of thy profession. 



250 JSALMA U UJSDI. 

Shortly after the distribution of these talismans, one of the 
high-priests stalked into the middle of the room with great 
majesty, and clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion 
of music succeeded from a number of black, yellow, and white 
musicians, perched in a kind of cage over the grand entrance. 
The company were thereupon thrown into great confusion and 
apparent consternation. — They hurried to and fro about the 
room, and at length formed themselves into httle groups ot 
eight persons, half male and half female; — the music struck 
into something like harmony, and, in a moment, to my utter 
astonishment and dismay, they were all seized with what I 
concluded to be a paroxysm of religious phrenzy, tossing about 
their heads in a ludicrous style from side to side, and indulging 
in extravagant contortions of figure ; — now throwing their heels 
into the air, and anon whirhng round with the velocity of the 
eastern idolaters, who think they pay a grateful homage to the 
sun by imitating his motions. I expected every moment to 
see them fall down in convulsions, foam at the mouth, and 
shriek with fancied inspiration. As usual the females seemed 
most fervent in their religious exercises, and performed them 
with a melancholy expression of feature that was peculiarly 
touching ; but I was highly gratified by the exemplary conduct 
of several male devotees, who, though their gesticulations 
would intimate a wild merriment of the feelings, maintained 
throughout as inflexible a gravity of countenance as so many 
monkeys of the island of Borneo at their anticks. 

"And pray," said I, "who is the divinity that presides in 

this splendid mosque?" " The divinity !— oh, I understand— 

you mean the helle of the evening; we have a new one every 
season: the one at present in fashion is that lady you see 
yonder, dressed in white, with pink ribands, and a crowd of 
adorers around her." "Truly," cried I, "this is the pleasant- 
est deity I have encountered in the whole course of my travels ; 
— so familiar, so condescending, and so merry withal ; — why, 
her very worshippers take her by the hand, and whisper in her 

ear." "My good Mussulman," replied my friend, with great 

gravity, ' ' I perceive you are completely in an error concern- 
ing the intent of this ceremony. You are now in a place of 
pubhc amusement, not of public worship;— and the pretty- 
looking young men you see making such violent and grotesque 
distortions, are merely indulging in our favourite amusement 
of dancing." "I cry your mercy," exclaimed I, "these, then, 
are the dancing men and women of the town, such as we hav^ 



SALMAGUNDI. 251 

in our principal cities, who hire themselves out for the enter- 
tainment of the wealthy ; — but, pray who pays them for this 

fatiguing exhibition?" My friend regarded me for a moment 

with an air of whimsical perplexity, as if doubtful whether I 

was in jest or earnest. " Sblood, man," cried he, " these are 

some of our greatest people, our fashionables, who are merely 

dancing here for amusement." Dancing for amusement! 

tliink of that, Muley !— thou, whose greatest pleasure is to chew 
opium, smoke tobacco, loll on a couch, and doze thyself into 

the regions of the Houris ! Dancing for amusement ! — shall 

I never cease having occasion to laugh at the absurdities of 
these barbarians, who are laborious in their recreations, and 
indolent only in their hours of business? Dancing for amuse- 
ment ! — the very idea makes my bones ache, and I never think 
of it without being obliged to apply my handkerchief to my 
forehead, and fan myself into some degree of coolness. 

"And pray," said I, when my astonishment had a little 
subsided, ' ' do these musicians also toil for amusement, or are 
they confined to their cage, like birds, to sing for the gratifica- 
tion of others?— I should think the Tormer was the case, from 
the animation with which they flourish their elbows," — "Not 
so," replied my friend, "they are well paid, which is no pi ore 
than just, for I assure you they are the most important per- 
sonages in the room. The fiddler puts the whole assembly in 
motion, and directs their movements, like the master of a pup- 
pet-show, who sets all his pasteboard gentry kicking by a jerk 
of his fingers : — there, now — look at that dapper little gentle- 
man yonder, who appears to be suffering the pangs of disloca- 
tion in every limb : he is the most expert puppet in the room, 
and performs, not so much for his own amusement, as for that 
of the by-standers." — Just then the little gentleman, having 
finished one of his paroxysms of activity, seemed to be looking 
round for applause from the spectators. Feeling myself really 
much obliged to him for his exertions, I made him a low bow 
of thanks, but nobody followed my example, which I thought 
a singular instance of ingratitude. 

Thou ^vilt perceive, friend Muley, that the dancing of these 
barbarians is totally different from the science professed by 
thee in Tripoli ; — the country, in fact, is afflicted by numerous 
epidemical diseases, which travel from house to house, from 
city to city, with the regularity of a caravan. Among these, 
the most formidable is this dancing mania, which prevails 
chiefly throughout the winter. It at first seized on a few peo ■ 



252 SALMAGUNDI. 

pie of fashion, and being indulged in moderation, was a cheerful 
exercise ; but in a little time, by quick advances, it infected all 
classes of the community, and became a raging epidemic. 
The doctors immediately, as is their usual way, instead of 
devising a remedy, fell together by the ears, to decide whether 
it was native or imported, and the sticklers for the latter 
opinion traced it to a cargo of trumpery from France, as they 
had before hunted down the yellow-fever to a bag of coffee 
from the West Indies. What makes this disease the more 
formidable is, that the patients seem infatuated with their 
malady, abandon themselves to its unbounded ravages, and 
expose their persons to wintry storms and midnight airs, more 
fatal, in this capricious climate, than the withering Simoom 
blast of the desert. 

I know not whether it is a sight most whimsical or melan- 
choly, to witness a fit of this dancing malady. The lady hops 
up to the gentleman, who stands at the distance of about three 
paces, and then capers back again to her place ; — the gentle- 
man of course does the same ; then they skip one way, then 
they jump another ;— then they turn their backs to each other ; 
— then they seize each other and shake hands ; then they wliirl 
round, and throw themselves into a thousand grotesque and 
ridiculous attitudes ; — sometimes on one leg, sometimes on the 
other, and sometimes on no leg at all ;— and this they call ex- 
hibiting the graces ! — By the nineteen thousand capers of the 
great mountebank of Damascus, but these graces must be 
something like the crooked-backed dwarf Shabrac, who is 
sometimes permitted to amuse his highness by imitating the 
tricks of a monkey. These fits continue at short intervals 
from four to five hours, till at last the lady is led off, faint, 
languid, exhausted, and panting, to her carriage; — rattles 
home; — passes a night of feverish restlessness, cold perspira- 
tions and troubled sleep;— rises late next morning, if she rises 
at all, is nervous, petulant, or a prey to languid indifference 
all day ; — a mere household spectre, neither giving nor receiv- 
ing enjoyment ; in the evening hurries to another dance ; re- 
ceives an unnatural exhilaration from the lights, the music, 
the crowd, and the unmeaning bustle ;— flutters, sparkles, and 
blooms for a while, until the transient delirium being past, the 
infatuated maid droops and languishes into apathy again ; — is 
again led off to her carriage, and the next morning rises to go 
fchrough exactly the same joyless routine. 

And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Raggi, these are 



SALMAGUNDI. 253 

rational beings : nay more, their countrymen would fain per- 
suade me they have souls ! — Is it not a thousand times to be 
lamented that beings, endowed with charms that might warm 
even the frigid heart of a dervise ; — with social and endearing 
powers, that would render them the joy and pride of the 
harem ; — should surrender themselves to a habit of heartless 
dissipation, which preys unperceptibly on the roses of the 
cheek; — which robs the eye of its lustre, the mouth of its 
dimpled smile, the spirits of their cheerful hilarity, and the 
limbs of their elastic vigour ; — wliich hurries them off in the 
spring-time of existence ; or, if they survive, yields to the arms 
of a youthful bridegroom a frame wrecked in the storms of 
dissipation, and struggling with premature infirmity. Alas, 
Muley ! may I not ascribe to this cause, the number of little 
old women I meet with in this country, from the age of eigh- 
teen to eight-and-twenty? 

In sauntering down the room, my attention was attracted 
by a smoky painting, which, on nearer examination, I found 
consisted of two female figures crowning a bust with a wreath 
of laurel. "This, I suppose," cried I, "was some favourite 
dancer in his time?" — "Oh, no," replied my friend, "he was 
only a general. " — "Good; but then he must have been great 
at a cotillion, or expert at a fiddlestick — or why is his memorial 
here?" — " Quite the contrary," answered my companion, "his- 
tory makes no mention of his ever having flourished a fiddle- 
stick, or figured in a single dance. You have no doubt, heard 
of him; he was the illustrious Washington, the father and 
deliverer of his country ; and, as our nation is remarkable for 
gratitude to great men, it always does honour to their mem- 
^'^Ji t)y placing their monuments over the doors of taverns, or 
in the corners of dancing-rooms." 

From thence my friend and I strolled into a small apart- 
ment adjoining the grand saloon, where I beheld a number of 
grave-looking persons with venerable gray heads, but without 
beards, which I thought very unbecoming, seated around a 
table, studying hieroglyphics ; — I approached them with rever- 
ence as so many magi, or learned men, endeavouring to expound 
the mysteries of Egyptian science: several of them threw 
down money, which I supposed was a reward proposed for 
some great discovery, when presently one of them spread his 
hieroglyphics on the table, exclaimed triumphantly, "two 
bullets and a bragger!" and swept all the money into his 
pocket. He has discovered a key to the hieroglyphics, thought 



254 8ALMAGUND1. 

I ;— happy mortal ! no doubt his name will be immortalized 
Willing, however, to be satisfied, I looked round on my com- 
panion with an inquiring eye— he understood me, and in- 
formed me, that these were a company of friends, who had 
met together to win each other's money, and be agreeable. 
"Is that all?" exclaimed I, "why, then, I pray you, make 
way, and let me escape from this temple of abominations, or 
who knows but these people, who meet together to toil, worry, 
and fatigue themselves to death, and give it the name of pleas- 
ure ; — and who win each other's money by way of being agree- 
able ; — may some one of them take a hking to me, and pick my 
pocket, or break my head in a paroxysm of hearty good- will!" 

Thy friend, Mustapha. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Nunc est bihendum, nunc pede libero 

Pulsanda tellus. — Hor. 

Now is the tyme for wine and myrthf ul sportes, 
For dance, and song, and disportes of syche sortes. 

— Link. Fid. 

The winter campaign has opened. Fashion has summoned 
her numerous legions at the sound of trumpet, tamborine, and 
drum ; and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, to 
hasten from the dull, silent, and insipid glades and groves, 
where they have vegetated during the summer; recovering 
from the ravages of the last winter's campaign. Our fair ones 
have hurried to town, eager to pay their devotions to this tute- 
lary deity, and to make an offering at her shrine of the few 
pale and transient roses they gathered in their healthful re- 
treat. The fiddler rosins his bow, the card-table devotee is 
shuffling her pack ; the young ladies are industriously spang- 
ling muslins; and the tea-party heroes are airing their cha- 
peaux bras, and pease-blossom breeches, to prepare for figur- 
ing in the gay circle of smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now 
the fine lady forgets her country friends in the hurry of 
fashionable engagements, or receives the simple intruder, who 
has foolishly accepted her thousand pressing invitations, with 
such politeness that the poor soul determines never to come 
again ;— now the gay buck, who erst figured at Ballston, and 



SALMA G UNDI. 255 

quaffed the pure spring, exchanges the sparkling water for 
still more sparkling champaign ; and deserts the nymph of the 
fountain, to enlist under the standard of jolly Bacchus. In 
short, now is the important time of the year in which to har- 
angue the bon-ton reader ; and, hke some ancient hero in front 
of the battle, to spirit him up to deeds of noble daring, or still 
more noble suffering, in the ranks of fashionable warfare. 

Such, indeed, has been my intention; but the number of 
cases which have lately come before me, and the variety of 
complaints I have received from a crowd of honest and well- 
meaning correspondents, call for more immediate attention. 
A host of appeals, petitions, and letters of advice are now be- 
fore me ; and I believe the shortest way to satisfy my peti- 
tioners, memorialists, and advisers, will be to publish their 
letters, as I suspect the object of most of them is merely to get 
into print. 



TO ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Sir: — As you appear to have taken to yourself the trouble 
of meddling in the concerns of the beau monde, I take the 
liberty of appealing to you on a subject which, though con- 
sidered merely as a very good joke, has occasioned me great 
vexation and expense. You must know I pride myself on 
being very useful to the ladies : that is, I take boxes for them 
at the theatre, go shopping with them, supply them with 
bouquets, and furnish them with novels from the circulating 
library. In consequence of these attentions, I am become a 
great favourite, and there is seldom a party going on in the 
city without my having an invitation. The grievance I have 
to mention is the exchange of hats which takes place on these 
occasions; for, to speak my mind freely, there are certain 
young gentlemen who seem to consider fashionable parties a^ 
mere places to barter old clothes ; and I am informed that a 
number of them manage, by this great system of exchange, to 
keep their crowns decently covered without their hatter suffer- 
ing in the least by it. 

It was but lately that I went to a private ball with a new 
hat, and on returning, in the latter part of the evening, and 
asking for it, the scoundrel of a servant, with a broad grin, 
informed me that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour 
since, and they were then on the third quality; and I was in 



^5Q SALMAGUNDI. 

the end obliged to borrow a young lady's beaver rather than 
go home with any of the ragged remnants that were left. 

Now I would wish to know if there is no possibility of hav- 
ing these offenders punished by law; and whether it would 
not be advisable for ladies to mention in their cards of invita- 
tion, as a postscript, "stealing of hats and shawls positively 
prohibited." At any rate I would thank you, Mr. Evergreen, 
to discountenance the thing totally, by publishing in your 
paper that stealing a hat is no joke. 

Your humble servant, Walter Withers. 

My correspondent is informed that the police have deter- 
mined to take this matter into consideration, and have set 
apart Saturday mornings for the cognizance of fashionable 
larcenies. 

Mr. Evergreen— >S^ir; — Do you think a married woman may 
lawfully put her husband right in a story, before strangers, 
when she knows him to be in the wrong ; and can any thing 
authorize a wife in the exclamation of— "lord, my dear, how 
can you say so?" Margaret Timson. 

Dear Anthony: — Going down Broadway this morning in a 
great hurry, I ran full against an object which at first put me 
to a prodigious nonplus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's 
hat, a cloth overcoat and spatterdashes, I framed my apology 
accordingly, exclaiming, "my dear sir, I ask ten thousand 
pardons ; — I assure you, sir, it was entirely accidental : — pray 
excuse me, sir," &c. At every one of these excuses the thing 
answered me with a downright laugh ; at which I was not a 
little surprised, until, on resorting to my pocket-glass, I dis- 
covered that it was no other than my old acquaintance, Cla- 
rinda Trollop ; — I never was more chagrined in my life ; for 
being an old bachelor, I like to appear as young as possible, 
and am always boasting of the goodness of my eyes. I beg of 
you, Mr. Evergreen, if you have any feeling for your contem- 
poraries, to discourage this hermaphrodite mode of dress, for 
really, if the fashion take, we poor bachelors will be utterly at 
a loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Pray let me know 
your opinion, sir, whether a lady who wears a man's hat and 
spatterdashes before marriage, may not be apt to usurp some 
other article of his dress afterwards. 

Your humble servant, Roderic Worry. 



SALMA G UNDL 27)1 

Dear Mr. Evergreen :— The other night, at Richard the 
Third, I sat behind three gentlemen, who talked very loud on 
the subject of Richard's wooing Lady Ann directly in the face 
of his crimes against that lady. One of them declared such an 
unnatural scene would be hooted at in China. Pray, sir, Avas 
that Mr. Wizard? Selina Badger. 

P. S. The gentleman I allude to had a pocket-glass, and 
wore his hair fastened behind by a tortoise-shell comb, with 
two teeth wanting. 

Mr. EvERGRiN—>SiV;— Being a little curious in the affairs of 
the toilette, I was much interested by the sage Mustapha's 
remarks, in your last number, concerning the art of manu- 
facturing a modern fine lady. I would have you caution your 
fair readers, however, to be very careful in the management 
of their machinery; as a deplorable accident happened last 
assembly, in consequence of the architecture of a lady's figure 
not being sufficiently strong. In the middle of one of the 
cotillions, the company was suddenly alarmed by a tre- 
mendous crash at the lower end of the room, and, on crowding 
to the place, discovered that it was a fine figure which had 
unfortunately broken down from too great exertion in a 
pigeon wing. By great good luck I secured the corset, which 
I carried home in triumph; and the next morning had it 
publicly dissected, and a lecture read on it at Surgeon's Hall. 
I have since commenced a dissertation on the subject; in 
which I shall treat of the superiority of those figures manu- 
factured by steel, stay-tape, and whale-bone, to those formed 
by dame nature. I shall show clearly that the Venus de 
Medicis has no pretension to beauty of form, as she never 
wore stays, and her waist is in exact proportion to the rest of 
her body. I shall inquire into the mysteries of compression, 
and how tight a figure can be laced without danger of faint- 
ing ; and whether it would not be advisable for a lady, when 
dressing for a ball, to be attended by the family physician, as 
culprits are when tortured on the rack, to know how much 
more nature will endure. I shall prove that ladies have dis- 
covered the secret of that notorious juggler, who offered to 
squeeze himself into a quart bottle; and I shall demonstrate, 
to the satisfaction of every fashionable reader, that there is a 
degree of heroism in purchasing a preposterously slender 
waist at the expense of an old age of decrepitude and rheu- 



258 SALMAGUNDI 

matics. This dissertation shall be published as soon as fin- 
ished, and distributed gratis among boarding-school madams 
and all worthy matrons who are ambitious that their 
daughters should sit strait, move like clock-work, and "do 
credit to their bringing up. " In the mean time, I have hung 
up the skeleton of the corset in the museum, beside a dissected 
weazle and a stuffed aUigator, where it may be inspected by 
all those naturalists who are fond of studying the "humai 
form divine." Yours, &c. Julian Cognous. 

P.S. By accurate calculation I find it is dangerous for a 
fine figure, when full dressed, to pronounce a word of more 
than three syllables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge in 
a gentle sigh ; but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may smile 
with safety, may even venture as far as a giggle, but must 
never risk a loud laugh. Figure must never play the part of 
a confidante; as at a tea-party some fine evenings since, a 
young lady, whose unparalleled impalpability of waist was the 
envy of the drawing-room, burst with an important secret, 
and had three ribs — of her corset ! — fractured on the spot. 



Mr. Evergreen — Sir: — I am one of those industrious gem- 
men who labour hard to obtain currency in thfe fashionable 
world. I have went to great expense in little boots, short 
vests, and long breeches ; — my coat is regularly imported, per 
stage, from Philadelphia, duly insured against all risks, and 
my boots are smuggled from Bond-street. I have lounged in 
Broadway with one of the most crooked walking-sticks I could 
procure, and have sported a pair of salmon-coloured small- 
clothes, and fiame-coloured stockings, at every concert and 
ball to which I could purchase admission. Being affeared 
that I might possibly appear to less advantage as a pedestrian, 
in consequence of my being rather short and a little bandy, 1 
have lately hired a tall horse with cropped ears and a cocked 
tail, on which I have joined the cavalcade of pretty gemmen, 
who exhibit bright stirrups every fine morning in Broadway 
and take a canter of two miles per day, at the rate of three 
hundred dollars per annum. But, sir, all this expense has 
been laid out in vain, for I can scarcely get a partner at an 
assembly, or an invitation to a tea-party. Pray, sir, inform 
me what more I can do to acquire admission into the true 
stylish circles, and whether it would not be advisable to 



SALMAGUNDI. 259 

charter a curricle for a month and have my cypher put on it, 
as is done by certain dashers of my acquaintance. 

Yours to serve, Malvolio Dubster. 



TEA: A POEM. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Ami earnestly recommended to the attention of all Maidens oj 

a certain age. 

Old time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth 
From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth; 
Who, by constant attention and wily deceit, 
For ever is coaxing some grace to retreat ; 
And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach, 
The further indulged, will still further encroach. 
Since this " thief of the world" has made off with your bloom, 
And left you some score of stale years in its room— 
Has depriv'd you of all those gay dreams, that would dance 
In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance ; 
And has forc'd you almost to renounce, in despair, 
The hope of a husband's affection and care — 
Since such is the -case, and a case rather hard I 
Permit one who holds you in special regard, 
To furnish such hints in your loveless estate 
As may shelter your names from distraction and hate. 
Too often our maidens, grown aged, I ween. 
Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen ; 
And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind. 
Work off their resentment — by speaking their mind : 
Assemble together in snuff -taking clan. 
And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. 
A convention of tatthng— a tea party hight. 
Which, like meeting of witches, is brew'd up at night : 
Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of surprise. 
With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; 
Like the broomstick whirl'd hags that appear in Macbeth, 
Each bearing some relic of venom or death, 
" To stir up the toil and to double the trouble. 
That fire may burn, and that cauldron may bubble." 



260 SALMAGUNDI. 

When th© party commences, all starch'd and all glum, 
They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : 
They will tell you of cambric, of ribands, of lace, 
How cheap they were sold— and will name you the place. 
They discourse of their colds, and they hem and they cough 
And complain of their servants to pass the time off ; 
Or list to the tale of some doating mamma 
How her ten weeks' old baby will laugh and say taa ! 

But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — 
More loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl, 
Soon unloosens the tongue and enhvens the mind. 
And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. 

'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount. 
That flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian mount. 
While the steam was inhal'd of the sulphuric spring. 
Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing; — 
By its aid she pronounced the oracular will 
That Apollo commanded his sons to fufill. 
But alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite, 
Appear 'd like a demon— terrific to sight. 

E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, 
And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries, 
But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore. 
We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. 

In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast, 
And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; 
Some gentle faux pas, or some female mistake. 
Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; 
A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust. 
It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first 
With a little affected good-nature, and cry 
" No body regrets the thing deeper than I." 
Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 
As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : 
While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old dame, 
As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. 
And as the feU sisters astonished the Scot, 
In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot. 
Making shadows of kings, amid flashes of Hght, 
To appear in array and to frown in his sight. 
So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue, 
Which, as shades of their neighbours, are passed in review. 



SALMAGUNDI. 261 

The wives of our cits of inferior degree, 
Will soak up repute in a little bohea; 
The potion is VLilgar, and ^allgar the slang 
With which on their neighbours' defects they harangue ; 
But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong ! 
As our matrons are richer and rise to souchong. 
With hyson — a beverage that's still more refin'd, 
Our ladies of fashion enliven their mind, 
And by nods, innuendoes, and hints, and what not, 
Eeputations and tea send together to pot. 
Wliile madam in cambrics and laces array'd, 
With her plate and her liveries in splendid parade, 
Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup. 
Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. 
Ah me ! how I groan when with full swelling sail 
Wafted stately along by the favouring gale, 
A China ship proudly arrives in our bay. 
Displaying her streamers and blazing away. 
Oh ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears. 
Than grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : 
Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town 
To shatter repute and bring character down. 

Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, Chouquas, so free. 
Who discharge on our coast your cursed quantums of tea. 
Oh think, as ye waft the sad weed from your strand. 
Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. 
As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it flies, 
Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may rise, 
So, wherever the leaves of your shrub find their way, 
The social affections soon suffer decay: 
Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart, 
Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. 

Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design'd, 
Tliat ye should be merciful, loving and kind ! 
Did it form you like angels, and send you below 
To prophesy peace— to bid charity flow ! 
And have ye thus left your primeval estate, 
And wandered so widely— so strangely of late? 
Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see— 
These evils have all come upon you through tea ! 
Cursed weed, that can make our fair spirits resign 
The character mild of their mission divine ; 



262 SALMAGUNDI. 

That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness true, 

Which from female to female for ever is due ! 

Oh, how nice is the texture — how fragile the frame 

Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame ! 

'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath 

And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with death. 

How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd ; 

Has beauty been reft of its honour— its pride ; 

Has virtue, though pure as an angel of light, 

Been painted as dark as a demon of night: 

All off er'd up victims, an auto da fe, 

At the gloomy cabals— the dark orgies of tea ! 

If I, in the remnant that's left me of life, 
Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife. 
Let me fall, I implore, in the slang- whanger's claw, 
Where the evil is open, and subject to law. 
Not nibbled, and mumbled, and put to the rack, 
By the sly underminings of tea party clack: 
Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, 
But spare me I oh, spare me, a tea table toasting ! 



NO. XX.-MONDAY JANUARY 25, 1808. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Extremum hunc mihi concede laborem. Virq. 
" Soft you, a word or two before we part." 

In this season of festivity, when the gate of time swings 
open on its hinges, and an honest rosy-faced New- Year comes 
waddling in, Hke a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded with good 
wishes, good humour, and minced pies ;— at this joyous era it 
has been the custom, from time immemorial, in this ancient 
and respectable city, for periodical writers, from reverend, 
grave, and potent essayists like ourselves! down to the 
humble but industrious editors of magazines, reviews, and 
newspapers, to tender their subscribers the compliments of 
the season ; and when they have slily thawed their hearts with 



SALMAGUNDI 263 

a little of the sunshine of flattery, to conclude by delicately 
dunning them for their arrears of subscription money. In 
like manner the carriers of newspapers, who undoubtedly 
belong to the ancient and honourable order of hterati, do regu- 
larly, at the commencement of the year, salute their patrons 
with abundance of excellent- advice, conveyed in exceeding 
good poetry, for which the aforesaid good-natured patrons are 
well pleased to pay them exactly twenty -five cents. In walk- 
ing the streets I am every day saluted with good wishes from 
old gray-headed negroes, whom I never recollect to have seen 
before ; and it was but a few days ago, that I was called to 
receive the compliments of an ugly old woman, who last 
spring was employed by Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room 
and put things in order; a phrase which, if rightly under- 
stood, means little else than huddling everj^ thing into holes 
and corners, so that if I want to find any particular article, 
it is, in the language of an humble but expressive saying, — 
"looking for a needle in a haystack." Not recognizing my 
visitor, I demanded by what authority she wished me a 
" Happy New- Year?" Her claim was one of the weakest she 
could have urged, for I have an innate and mortal antipathy 
to this custom of putting things to rights ;— so giving the old 
witch a pistereen, I desired her forthwith to mount her broom- 
stick, and ride off as fast as possible. 

Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers alone, to 
their immortal honour be it recorded, depart from this prac- 
tice of making a market of congratulations ; and, in addition 
to always allowing thirteen to the dozen, do with great liber- 
ality, instead of drawing on the purses of their customers at 
the New- Year, present them with divers large, fair, spiced 
cakes; which, like the shield of Achilles, or an Egyptian 
obelisk, are adorned with figures of a variety of strange 
animals, that, in their conformation, out-marvel all the wild 
wonders of nature. 

This honest gray-beard custom of setting apart a certain 
portion of this good-for-nothing existence for the purposes of 
cordiality, social merriment, and good cheer, is one of the 
inestimable relics handed down to us from our worthy Dutch 
ancestors. In perusing one of the manuscripts from my 
worthy grandfather's mahogany chest of drawers, I find the 
new year was celebrated with great festivity during that 
golden age of our city, when the reins of government were 
held by the renowned Eip Van Dam, who always did honour 



004 SALMAGUNDI. 

to the season by seeing out the old year ; a ceremony which 
consisted in plying his guests with bumpers, until not one of 
them was capable of seeing. "Truly," observes my grand- 
father, who was generally of these parties — " Truly, he was a 
most stately and magnificent burgomaster! inasmuch as he 
did right lustily carouse it with his friends about New- Year ; 
roasting huge quantities of turkeys; baking innumerable 
minced pies; and smacking the hps of all fair ladies the 
which he did meet, with such sturdy emphasis that the same 
might have been heard the distance of a stone's throw." In 
his days, according to my grandfather, were first invented 
these notal)ie cakes, hight new-year-cookies, which originally 
were unpressed on one side with the honest, burly counte- 
nance of the illustrious Rip ; and on the other with that of the 
noted St. Nicholas, vulgarly called Santaclaus ;- -of all the 
saints in the kalendar the most venerated by true Hollanders, 
and their unsophisticated descendants. These cakes are to this 
time given on the first of January to all visitors, together with 
a glass of cherry-bounce, or raspberry-brandy. It is with 
great regret, however, I observe that the simplicity of this 
venerable usage has been much violated by modern pretend- 
ers to style! and our respectable new-year-cookies, and 
cherry-bounce, elbowed aside by plum-cake and outlandish 
liqueurs, in the same way that our worthy old Dutch families 
are out- dazzled by modern upstarts, and mushroom cockneys. 
In addition to this divine origin of new-year festivity; there 
is something exquisitely grateful, to a good-natured mind, in 
seeing every face dressed in smiles; — in hearing the oft^ 
repeated salutations that flow spontaneously from the heart to 
the lips;— in beholding the poor, for once, enjoying the smiJes 
of plenty, and forgetting the cares which press hard upon 
them, in the jovial revelry of the feelings ;— the young children 
decked out in their Sunday clothes and freed from their only 
cares, the cares of the school, tripping through the streets on 
errands of pleasure ; — and even the very negroes, those hohday- 
loving rogues, gorgeously arrayed in cast-off finery, collected 
in juntos, at corners, displaying their white teeth, and making 
the welkin ring with bursts of laughter,— loud enough to crack 
even the icy cheek of old winter. There is something so pleas- 
ant in all this, that I confess it would give me real pain to 
behold the frigid influence of modern style cheating us of this 
jubilee of the heart ; and converting it, as it does every other 
article of social intercourse, into an idle and unmeaning cere- 



SALMAGUNDI. 265 

mony. 'Tis the annual festival of good-humour ; — it comes in 
the dead of winter, when nature is without a charm, when our 
pleasures are contracted to the fireside, and when every thing 
that unlocks the icy fetters of the heart, and sets the genial 
current flowing, should be cherished, as a stray lamb found in 
the wilderness ; or a flower blooming among thorns and briers. 

Animated by these sentiments, it is with peculiar satisfaction 
I perceived that the last New- Year was kept with more than 
ordinary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good old times had 
rolled back again and brought with them all the honest, uncere- 
monious intercourse of those golden days, when people were 
more open and sincere, more moral, and more hospitable than 
now ; — when every object carried about it a charm which the 
hand of time has stolen away, or turned to a deformity ; when 
the women were more simple, more domestic, more lovely, and 
more true ; and when even the sun, Mke a hearty old blade as 
he is, shone with a genial lustre unknown in these degenerate 
days: — in short, those fairy times, when I was a mad-cap boy, 
crowding every enjoyment into the present moment ; — making 
of the past an oblivion ; — of the future a heaven ; and careless 
of all that was " over the hills and far away." Only one thing 
was wanting to make every part of the celebration accord with 
its ancient simplicity. The ladies, who — I write it with the 
most piercing regret — are generally at the head of all domestic 
innovations, most fastidiously refused that mark of good will, 
that chaste and holy salute which was so fashionable in the 
happy days of governor Rip and the patriarchs. Even the 
Miss Cocklofts, who belong to a family that is the last intrench- 
ment behind which the manners of the good old school have 
retired, made violent opposition ; — and whenever a gentleman 
entered the room, immediately put themselves in a posture of 
defence; — this Will Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, insists 
was only to give the visitor a hint that they expected an 
attack ; and declares, he has uniformly observed, tha,t the re- 
sistance of those ladies who make the greatest noise and bustle, 
is most easily overcome. This sad innovation originated with 
my good aunt Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever wore 
whiskers ; and I am not a little afflicted to find that she has 
found so many followers, even among the young and beautiful. 

In compliance with an ancient and venerable custom, sanc- 
tioned by time and our ancestors, and more especially by my 
own incHnations, I will take this opportunity to salute my 
readers with as many good wishes as I can possibly spare ; for, 



266 SALWAamwT. 

in truth, I have been so prodigal of late, that I have but few 
remaining. I should have offered my congratulations sooner ; 
but, to be candid, having made the last new-year's campaign, 
according to custom, under cousin Christopher, in which I 
have seen some pretty hard service, my head has been some- 
what out of order of late, and my intellects rather cloudy for 
clear writing. Besides, I may allege as another reason, that I 
have deferred my greetings until this day, which is exactly 
one year since we introduced ourselves to the public; and 
surely periodical writers have the same right of dating from 
the commencement of their works that monarchs have from 
the time of their coronation ; or our most puissant republic 
from the declaration of its independence. 

These good wishes are warmed into more than usual benevo- 
lence by the thought that I am now, perhaps, addressing my old 
friends for the last time. That we should thus cut off our work in 
the very vigour of its existence may excite some little matter of 
wonder in this enlightened community. — Now, though we could 
give a variety of good reasons for so doing, yet it would be an 
ill-natured act to deprive the public of such an admirable oppor- 
tunity to indulge in their favourite amusement of conjecture; 
so we generously leave them to flounder in the smooth ocean 
of glorious uncertainty. Besides, we have ever considered it as 
beneath persons of our dignity to account for our movements 
or caprices ;— thank heaven, we are not like the unhappy rulers 
of this enlightened land, accountable to the mob for our actions, 
or dependent on their smiles for support !— this much, how- 
ever, we will say, it is not for want of subjects that we stop our 
career. We are not in the situation of poor Alexander the 
Great, who wept, as well indeed he might, because there were 
no more worlds to conquer ; for, to do justice to this queer, odd, 
rantipole city and this whimsical country, there is matter 
enough in them to keep our risible muscles and our pens going 
until doomsday. 

Most people, in taking a farewell which may, perhaps, be 
for ever, are anxious to part on good terms ; and it is usual, on 
such melancholy occasions, for even enemies to shake hands, 
forget their previous quarrels, and bury all former animosities 
in parting regrets. Now, because most people do this, I am 
determined to act in quite a different way; for, as I have 
lived, so I should wish to die in my own way, without imita- 
ting any person, whatever may be his rank, talents, or reputa- 
tion. Besides, if I know our trio, wo have no enmities to 



* SALMAGUNDI 267 

obliterate, no hatchet to bury, and as to all injuries— those we 
have long since forgiven. At this moment there is not an 
individual in the world, "not even the Pope himself, to whom 
we have any personal hostility. But if, shutting their eyes to 
the many striking proofs of good-nature displayed tln-ough the 
whole course of this work, there should be any persons so 
singularly ridiculous as to take offence at our strictures, we 
heartily forgive their stupidity ; earnestly entreating them to 
desist from all manifestations of ill-humour, lest they should, 
peradventure, be classed under some one of the denominations 
of recreants we have felt it our duty to hold up to public ridi- 
cule. Even at this moment we feel a glow of parting philan- 
throphy stealing upon us; — a sentiment of cordial good- will 
towards the numerous host of readers that have jogged on at 
our heels during the last year; and, in justice to ourselves, 
must seriously protest, that if at any time we have treated 
them a httle ungently, it was purely in that spirit of hearty 
affection with which a schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, 
or a humane muleteer his recreant animal, at the very moment 
when his heart is brim-full of loving-kindness. If this is not 
considered an ample justification, so much the worse ; for in 
that case I fear we shall remain for ever unjustified ; — a most 
desperate extremity, and worthy of every man's commisera- 
tion ! 

One circumstance in particular has tickled us mightily as we 
jogged along, and that is the astonishing secrecy with which 
we have been able to carry on our lucubrations ! Fully aware 
of the profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and their 
wonderful faculty of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is 
with great self-congratulation we find that suspicion has never 
pointed to us as the authors of Salmagundi. Our gray-beard 
speculations have been most bountifully attributed to sundry 
smart young gentlemen, who, for aught we know, have no 
beards at aU; and we have often been highly amused, when 
they were charged with the sin of writing what their harmless 
minds never conceived, to see them affect all the blushing 
modesty and beautiful embarrassment of detected virgin 
authors. The profound and penetrating pubUc, having so 
long been led away from truth and nature by a constant 
perusal of those delectable histories and romances from be- 
yond seas, in which human nature is for the most part 
wickedly mangled and debauched, have never once imagined 
this work was a genuine and most authentic history ; that the 



268 SALMAGUNDI 

Cocklofts were a real family, dwelling in the city; — paying 
scot and lot, entitled to the right of suffrage, and holding 
several respectable offices in the corporation. — As little do they 
suspect that there is a knot of merry old bachelors seated 
snugly in the old-fashioned parlour of an old-fashioned Dutch 
house, with a weathercock on the top that came from Holland, 
who amuse themselves of an evening by laughing at their 
neighbours in an honest way, and who manage to jog on 
through the streets of our ancient and venerable city without 
elbowing or being elbowed by a hving soul. 

When we first adopted the idea of discontinuing this work, 
we determined, in order to give the critics a fair opportunity 
for dissection, to declare ourselves, one and all, absolutely 
defunct ; for, it is one of the rare and invaluable privileges of a 
periodical writer, that by an act of innocent suicide he may 
lawfully consign himself to the grave and cheat the world of 
posthumous renown. But we abandoned this scheme for 
many substantial reasons. In the first place, we care but 
little for tiie opinion of critics, who we consider a kind of free- 
booters in the republic of letters; who, like deer, goats, and 
divers other gi^aminivorous animals, gain subsistence by gorg- 
ing upon the buds and leaves of the young shrubs of the forest, 
thereby robbing them of their verdure and retarding their pro- 
gress to maturity. It also occurred to us, that though an 
author might lawfully in all countries kill himself outright, 
yet this privilege did not extend to the raising himself from 
the dead, if he was ever so anxious ; and all that is left hun in 
such a case is to take the benefit of the metempsychosis act 
and revive under a new nanie and form. 

Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn ourselves to useless 
embarrassments, should we ever be disposed to resume the 
guardianship of this learned city of Gotham, and finish this 
invaluable work, which is yet but half completed. We hereby 
openly and seriously declare, that we are not dead, but intend, 
if it pleases Providence, to live for many years to come ;— to 
enjoy life with the genuine relish of honest souls; careless of 
riches, honours, and every thing but a good name, among 
good fellows ; and with the full expectation of shuffling off the 
remnant of existence, after the excellent fashion of that merry 
Grecian who died laughing. 



SALMAGUNDI. 2^9 



TO THE LADIES. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Kext to our being a knot of independent old bachelors, there 
is nothing on which we pride ourselves more highly than upon 
possessing that true chivalric spirit of gallantry, which dis- 
tinguished the days of king Arthui', and his valiant knights of 
the Eound-table. We cannot, therefore, leave the lists where 
we have so long been tilting at folly, without giving a farewell 
salutation to those noble dames and beauteous damsels who 
have honoured us with their presence at the tourney. Like 
true knights, the only recompense we crave is the smile of 
beauty, and the approbation of those gentle fair ones, whose 
smile and whose approbation far excels all the trophies of 
honour, and all the rewards of successful ambition. True it 
is, that we have suffered infinite perils in standing forth as 
their champions, from the sly attacks of sundry arch caitiffs, 
who, in the overflowings of their malignity, have even accused 
us of entering the lists as defenders of the very foibles and 
faults of the sex. — Would that we could meet with these 
recreants hand to hand ; — they should receive no more quarter 
than giants and enchanters in romance. 

Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, here is a glorious 
occasion to show our skill in refuting these illiberal insinua- 
tions ; — but there is something manly, and ingenuous, in mak- 
ing an honest confession of one's offences when about retiring 
from the world ; — and so, without any more ado, we doff our 
helmets and thus publicly plead guilty to the deadly sin of 
GOOD NATURE; hoping and expecting forgiveness from our 
good-natured readers, — yet careless whether they bestow it 
or not. And in this we do but imitate sundry condemned 
criminals, who, finding themselves convicted of a capital 
crime, with great openness and candour do generally in 
their last dying speech make a confession of all their pre- 
vious offences, which confession is always read with great 
dehght by all true lovers of biography. 

Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious devotion to 
the gentle sex, and our indulgent partiality, we have endea- 



270 SALMAGUlsDt. 

voured, on divers occasions, with all the polite and becoming 
dehcacy of true respect, to reclaim them from many of those 
delusive follies and unseemly peccadilloes in which they are 
unhappily too prone to indulge. We have warned them 
against the sad consequences of encountering our midnight 
damps and withering wintry blasts;— we have endeavoured, 
with pious hand, to snatch them from the wildering mazes of 
the waltz, and thus rescuing them from the arms of strangers, 
to restore them to the bosoms of their friends; to preserve 
them from the nakedness, the famine, the cobweb mushns, the 
vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, the buckram, and all 
the other miseries and racks of a fine figure. But, above all, 
we have endeavoured to lure them from the mazes of a dissi- 
pated world, where they wander about, careless of their value, 
until they lose their original worth ; — and to restore them, be- 
fore it is too late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil most 
congenial to the opening blossom of female loveliness ; where it 
blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering sunshine of 
maternal affection, and where its heavenly sweets are best 
known and appreciated. 

Modern philosophers may determine the proper destination 
of the sex ; — they may assign to them an extensive and brilliant 
orbit, in which to revolve, to the delight of the million and the 
confusion of man's superior intellect; but when on this subject 
we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to the higher tribunal of 
the heart ; — and what heart that had not lost its better feelings, 
would ever seek to repose its happiness on the bosom of one 
whose pleasures all lay without the threshold of home;— who 
snatched enjoyment only in the whirlpool of dissipation, and 
amid the thoughtless and evanescent gayety of a ballroom. 
The fair one who is for ever in the career of amusement, may 
for a while dazzle, astonish, and entertain ; but we are content 
with coldly admiring ; and fondly turn from gUtter and noise, 
to seek the happy fire-side of social Hfe, there to confide our 
dearest and best affections. 

Yet some there are, and we delight to mention them, who 
mingle freely with the world, unsullied by its contaminations ; 
whose brilliant minds, Hke the stars of the firmament, are 
destined to shed their fight abroad and gladden every beholder 
with their radiance ; — to withhold them from the world, would 
be doing it injustice ; — ^they are inestimable gems, which were 
never formed to be shut up in caskets ; but to be the pride and 
ornament of elegant society. 



SALMAGUNDI. 271 

We have endeavoured always to discriminate between a 
female of this superior order, and the thoughtless votary of 
pleasure; who, destitute of intellectual resources, is servilely 
dependent on others for every little pittance of enjoyment; 
who exhibits herself incessantly amid the noise, the giddy f rohc, 
and capricious vanity of fashionable assemblages ; dissipating 
her languid affections on a crowd ; lavishing her ready smiles 
with indiscriminate prodigality on the worthy, or the undeserv- 
ing ; and listening, with equal vacancy of mind, to the con- 
versation of the enlightened, the frivolity of the coxcomb, and 
the flourish of the fiddle-stick. 

There is a certain artificial polish, a commonplace vivacity 
acquired by perpetually mingling in the heau moncle ; which, 
in the commerce of the world, supphes the place of natural 
suavity of good humour ; but is purchased at the expense of all 
original and sterling traits of character. By a kind of fashion- 
able discipline, the eye is taught to brighten, the lip to smile, 
and the whole countenance to ii-radiate with the semblance of 
friendlj^ welcome, while the bosom is unwarmed by a single 
spark of genuine kindness or good- will. — This elegant simula- 
tion may be admired by the connoisseur of human character, 
as a perfection of art ; but the heart is not to be deceived by 
the superficial illusion ; it tui'ns with delight to the timid re- 
tiring fair one, whose smile is the smile of nature; whose 
blush is the soft suffusion of delicate sensibility ; and whose 
affections, unblighted by the chilling effects of dissipation, 
glow with all the tenderness and purity of artless youth. 
Hers is a singleness of mind, a native innocence of manners, 
and a sweet timidity, that steal insensibly upon the heart, and 
lead it a willing captive ; though venturing occasionally among 
the fairy haunts of pleasure, she shrinks from the broad glare 
of notoriety, and seems to seek refuge among her friends, even 
from the admiration of the world. 

These observations bring to mind a little allegory in one of 
the manuscripts of the sage Mustapha ; which, being in some 
measure applicable to the subject of this essay, we transcribe 
for the benefit of our fair readers. 

Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, who people the 
vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, is a small tribe, remarkable for 
their habits of solitude and love of independence. They are of 
a rambling disposition, roving from waste to waste, slaking 
their thirst at such scanty pools as are found in those cheerless 
plains, and glory in the unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youth- 



272 SALMAGUNDI. 

ful Arab of this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length grow- 
ing weary of his precarious and unsettled mode of life, deter- 
mined to set out in search of some permanent abode. ''I will 
seek," said he, "some happy region, some generous clime, 
where the dews of heaven diffuse fertility ; — I will find out 
some unfailing stream; and, forsaking the joyless Ufe of my 
forefathers, settle on its borders, dispose my mind to gentle 
pleasures and tranquil enjoyments, and never wander more." 

Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, he departed 
from the tents of his companions; and having journeyed 
during five days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising in all 
the splendours of the east, he lifted up his eyes and beheld ex- 
tended before him, in smiling luxuriance, the fertile regions of 
Arabia the Happy. Gently swelling hills, tufted with bloom- 
ing groves, swept down into luxuriant vales, enameled with 
flowers of never- withering beauty. The sun, no longer darting 
his rays with torrid fervour, beamed with a genial warmth 
that gladdened and enriched the landscape. A pure and tem- 
perate serenity, an air of voluptuous repose, a smile of con- 
tented abundance, pervaded the face of nature; and every 
zephyr breathed a thousand delicious odours. The soul of the 
youthful wanderer expanded with delight ; — he raised his eyes 
to heaven, and almost mingled with his tribute of gratitude a 
sigh of regret that he had lingered so long amid the sterile 
sohtudes of the desert. 

With fond impatience he hastened to make choice of a 
stream where he might fix his habitation, and taste the pro- 
mised sweets of this land of delight. But here commenced an 
unforeseen perplexity; for, though he beheld innumerable 
streams on every side, yet not one could he find which com- 
pletely answered his high-raised expectations. One abounded 
with wild and picturesque beauty, but it was capricious and 
unsteady in its course ; sometimes dashing its angry billows 
against the rocks, and often raging and overflowing its banks. 
Another flowed smoothly along, without even a ripple or a 
murmur ; but its bottom was soft and muddy, and its current 
dull and sluggish. A third was pure and transparent, but its 
waters were of a chilling coldness, and it had rocks and flints 
in its bosom. A fourth was dulcet in its tinkhngs, and graceful 
in its meanderings ; but it had a cloying sweetness that palled 
upon the taste ; while a fifth possessed a sparkling vivacity, 
and a pungency of flavour, that deterred the wanderer from 
repeating his draught. 



SALMAGUNDI. 273 

The youthful Bedouin began to weary with fruitless trials 
and repeated disappointments, when his attention was sudden- 
ly attracted by a hvely brook, whose dancing waves glittered 
in the sunbeams, and whose prattling current communicated 
an air of bewitching gayety to the surrounding, landscape. 
The heart of the wayworn traveller beat with expectation ; but 
on regarding it attentively in its course, he found that it con. 
stantly avoided the embowering shade; loitering with equal 
fondness, whether gliding through the rich valley, or over the 
barren sand;— that the fragrant flower, the fruitful shrub, and 
worthless bramble were alike fostered by its waves, and that 
its current was often interrupted by unprofitable weeds. With 
idle ambition, it expanded itself beyond its proper bounds, and 
spread into a shallow waste of water, destitute of beauty or 
utility, and babbling along with uninteresting vivacity and 
vapid turbulence. 

The wandering son of the desert turned away with a sigh of 
regret, and pitied a stream which, if content within its natural 
limits, might have been the pride of the valley, and the object 
of all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disappointed, he 
slowly pursued his now almost hopeless pilgrimage, and had 
rambled for some time along the margin of a gentle rivulet, 
before he became sensible of its beauties. It was a simple pas- 
toral stream, which, shunning the noonday glare, pursued its 
unobtrusive course through retired and tranquil vales ; — now 
dimphng among flowery banks and tufted shrubbery; now 
winding among spicy groves, whose aromatic foliage fondly 
bent down to meet the limpid wave. Sometimes, but not 
often, it would venture from its covert to stray through a 
flowery meadow ; but quickly, as if fearful of being seen, stole 
back again into its more congenial shade, and there lingered 
with sweet delay. Wherever it bent its course, the face of 
nature brightened into smiles, and a perennial spring reigned 
upon its borders. — The warblers of the woodland delighted to 
quit their recesses and carol among its bowers : while the tur- 
tle-dove, the timid fawn, the soft-eyed gazelle, and all the 
rural populace, who joy in the sequestered haunts of nature, 
resorted to its vicinity.— Its pure, transparent waters rolled 
over snow-white sands, and heaven itself was reflected in its 
tranquil bosom. 

The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant margin;— he 
tasted the silver tide, and it was like nectar to his lips ; — he 
bounded with transport, for he had found the object of hia 



274 SALMAGUNDI. 

wayfaring. "Here," cried he, "will I pitch my tent :— here 
will I pass my days ; for pure, oh, fair stream, is thy gentle 
current ; beauteous are thy borders ; and the grove must be a 
paradise that is refreshed by thy meanderings !" 



Pendant opera interrupta. — Virg. 
The work's all aback. — Link. Fid. 

"How hard it is," exclaimed the divine Con-futse, better 
known among the ilhterate by the name of Confucius, " for a 
man to bite off his own nose!" At this moment I, Wilham 
Wizard, Esq., feel the full force of this remark, and cannot but 
give vent to my tribulation at being obliged, through the whim 
of friend Langstaff , to stop short in my literary career, when 
at the very point of astonishing my country, and reaping the 
brightest laurels of literature. We daily hear of shipwrecks, 
of failures and bankruptcies ; they are trifling mishaps which, 
from their frequency, excite but little astonishment or sym- 
pathy ; but it is not often that we hear of a man's letting im- 
mortality slip through his fingers; and when he does meet 
with such a misfortune, who would deny him the comfort of 
bewailing his calamity ? 

Next to embargo, laid upon our commerce, the greatest 
public annoyance is the embargo laid upon our work; in 
consequence of which the produce of my wits, like that of my 
country, must remain at home; and my ideas like so many 
merchantmen in port, or redoubtable frigates in the Potomac, 
moulder away in the mud of my own brain. I know of few 
things in thiS world more annoying than to be interrupted in 
the middle of a favourite story, at the most interesting part, 
where one expects to shine ; or to have a conversation broken 
off just when you are about coming out with a score of excel- 
lent jokes, not one of which but was good enough to make 
every fine figure in corsets split her sides with laughter. In 
some such predicament am I placed at present ; and I do pro- 
test to you, my good-looking and well-beloved readers, by the 
chop-sticks of the Immortal Josh, I was on the very brink of 
treating you with a full broadside of the most ingenious and 
instructive essays that your precious noddles were ever both- 
ered with. 



SALMAGUNDI 275 

In the first place, I had, with infinite labour and pains, and 
by consulting the divine Plato, Sanconiathon, Apollonius, 
Rhodius, Sir John Harrington, Noah Webster, Linkum Fidel- 
ius, and others, fiilly refuted all those wild theories respecting 
the first settlement of our venerable country ; and proved, be- 
yond contradiction, that America, so far from being, as the 
writers of upstart Europe denominate it, the new world, is at 
least as old as any country in existence, not excepting Egypt, 
China, or even the land of the Assiniboins; which, according 
to the traditions of that ancient people, has already assisted at 
the funerals of thirteen suns and four hundred and seventy 
thousand moons ! 

I had, likewise written a long dissertation on certain hiero- 
glyphics discovered on these fragments of the moon, which 
have lately fallen, with singular propriety, in a neighbouring 
state; — and have thrown consideraDle light on the state of 
literature and the arts in that planet;— showing that the uni- 
versal language which prevails there is High Dutch ; thereby 
proving it to be the most ancient and original tongue, and cor 
roborating the opinion of a celebrated poet, that it is the lan- 
guage in which the serpent tempted our grandmother Eve. 

To support the theatric department, I had several very 
judicious critiques, ready written, wherein no quarter was 
shown either to authors or actors ; and I was only waiting to 
determine at what plays or performances they should be 
levelled. As to the grand spectacle of Cinderella, wliich is to 
be represented this season, I had given it a most unmerciful 
handling: showing that it was neither tragedy, comedy, nor 
farce; that the incidents were higlily improbable, that the 
prince played hke a perfect harlequin, that the white mice 
were merely powdered for the occasion, and that the new moon 
had a most outrageous copper nose. 

But my most profound and erudite essay in embryo is an 
analytical, hypercritical review of these Salmagundi lucubra- 
tions; which I had written partly in revenge for the many 
waggish jokes played off against me by my confederates, and 
partly for the purpose of saving much invaluable labour to the 
Zoiluses and Dennises of the age, by detecting and exposing all 
the similarities, resemblances, synonymies, analogies, coinci- 
dences, &c., which occur in this work. 

I hold it downright plagiarism for any author to write, or 
even to think, in the same manner with any other writer that 
either did, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of law — 



276 SALMAGUNDI. 

^^ Ignorantia neminem excusaf^—snid the same has been ex- 
tended to literature : so that if an author shall publish an idea 
that has been ever hinted by another, it shall be no exculpation 
for him to plead ignorance of the fact. All, therefore, that I 
liad to do was to take a good pair of spectacles, or a magnify- 
ing glass, and with Salmagundi in hand, and a table full of 
books before me, to muse over them alternately, in a corner 
ol Cockloft library: carefully comparing and contrasting all 
odd ends and fragments of sentences. Little did honest 
Launce suspect, when he sat lounging and scribbhng in his 
elbow-chair, with no other stock to draw upon than his own 
brain, and no other authority to consult than the sage Linkum 
Fidelius ! — little did he think that his careless, unstudied effu- 
sions would receive such scrupulous investigation. 

By laborious researches, and patiently collating words, 
where sentences and ideas did not correspond, I have detected 
sundry sly disguises and metamorphoses of which, I'll be 
bound, Langstaff himself is ignorant. Thus, for instance — 
The little man in black is evidently no less a personage than 
old Goody Blake, or goody something, filched from the Spec- 
tator, who confessedly filched her from Otway 's ^ ' wrinkled 
hag with age grown double. " My friend Launce has taken the 
honest old woman, dressed her up in the cast-off suit worn by 
Twaits, in Lampedo, and endeavoured to palm the imposture 
upon the enlightened inhabitants of Gotham. No further 
proof of the fact need be given, than that Goody Blake was 
taken for a witch ; and the little man in black for a conjuror ; 
and that they both lived in villages, the inhabitants of which 
were distinguished by a most respectful abhorrenee of hobgob- 
lins and broomsticks ;— to be sure the astonishing similarity 
ends here, but surely that is enough to prove that the little 
man in black is no other than Goody Blake x-i the disguise of a 
white witch. 

Thus, also, the sage Mustapha in mistaking a brag party for 
a convention of magi studying hieroglyphics, may pretend to 
originality of idea, and to a familiar acquaintance with the 
black-letter literati of the east ;— but this Tripohtan trick will 
not pass here ;— I refer those who wish to detect this larceny to 
one of those wholesale jumbles or hodge podge collections of 
science, which, hke a tailor's pandemonium, or a giblet-pie, 
are receptacles for scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes.— 
The reader, learned in dictionary studies, will at once perceive 
I mean an encyclopaedia. There, under the title of magi, 



8 ALMA Q UNDI. 211 

Egypt, cards, or hieroglyphics, I forget which, will be dis- 
covered an idea similar to that of Mustapha, as snugly con- 
cealed as truth at the bottom of a well, or the mistletoe amid 
the shady branches of an oak : and it may at any time be 
drawn from its lurking place, by those hewers of wood and 
drawers of water, who labour in • humbler walks of criticism. 
This is acsuredly a most unpardonable error of the sage Mus- 
tapha, who had been the captain of a ketch, and, of course, as 
your nautical men are for the most part very learned, ought to 
have known better. — Bat this is not the only blunder of the 
grave Mussulman, who swears by the head of Amrou, the 
beard of Barbarossa, and the sword of Khalid, as glibly as 
our good Christian soldiers anathematize body and soul, or a 
sailor his eyes and odd limbs. Now I solemnly pledge myself 
to the world, that in all my travels through the east, in Persia, 
Arabia, China, and Egyp^i, I never heard man, woman, or child 
utter any of those preposterous and new-fangled assevera- 
tions; and that, so far from swearing by any man's head, it is 
considered, throughout the east, the greatest insult that can 
be offered to either the living or dead to meddle in any shape 
even with his beard. These are but two or three specimens of 
the exposures I would have made ; but I should have descended 
still lower; nor would have spared the most insignificant; 
and, or but, or nevertheless, provided I could have found a 
ditto in the Spectator or the dictionary/ ; — but all these minutiae 
I bequeath to the Lilliputian literati of this sagacious com- 
munity, who are fond of hunting ' ' such small deer, " and I 
earnestly pray they may find full employment for a twelve- 
month to come. 

But the most outrageous plagiarisms of friend Launcelot are 
those made on sundry living personages. Thus: Tom Strad- 
dle has been evidently stolen from a distinguished Brum- 
magem emigrant, since they both ride on horseback;— Dabble, 
the little great man, has his origin in a certain aspiring coun- 
sellor, who is rising in the world as rapidly as the heaviness of 
his head will permit ; mine uncle John will bear a tolerable 
comparison, particularly as it respects the sterling qualities 
of his heart, with a worthy yeoman of Westchester county ; — 
and to deck out Aunt Charity, and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, 
he has rifled the charms of half the ancient vestals in this city. 
Nay, he has taken unpardonable liberties with my own person I 
— elevating me on the substantial pedestals of a worthy gen- 
tleman from China, and tricking me out with claret coats, 



^78 SALMAGUNDI. 

tight breeches, and silver-sprigged dickeys, in such sort that 1 
can scarcely recognize my own resemblance ; — whereas I abso- 
lutely declare that I am an exceeding good-looking man, 
neither too taU nor too short, too old nor too young, with a per- 
son indifferently robust, a head rather inclining to be large, an 
easy swing in my walk ; and that I wear my own hair, neither 
queued, not* cropped, nor turned up, but in a fair, pendulous 
oscillating club, tied with a yard of nine-penny black riband. 

And now, having said all that occurs to me on the present 
pathetic occasion,— having made my speech, wrote my eulogy, 
and drawn my portrait, I bid my r-eaders an affectionate fare- 
well; exhorting them to Hve honestly and soberly; — paying 
their taxes, and reverencing the state, the church, and the cor- 
poration; — reading diligently the Bible and the almanac, the 
newspaper, and Salmagundi ;— which is all the reading an 
honest citizen has occasion for;— an^ eschewing all spirit of 
faction, discontent, irreligion, and criticism. 
"W^^ch is all at present. 

From their departed friend, 

William Wizard. 



THE END. 




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